this could be goodbye

[goodoldnoname923]

I'm in the tent with CO as we speak and the smell in my nosils and feeling in my head is far from pleasant but I wouldn't call it painful. I'd say its more anxious than anything. I really hope this works but i'm not sure it will tbh its kinda scary but i may finally find peace

I guess i want to apologise to my parents for taking this action,i want to apologise to all the people i hurt over the years with all my mental issues and i want to apologise to myself for not being a better person

I want to thank all the kind and informative people i've found on this on this community and i wish you all the best in finding the peace you all serve or managing to find joy in existence

Either way i will be sure to update you if i somehow survive but if not i bid all thy fairwell

 

[IonicLemon69]

Goodbye & goodluck!!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in your plans, I hope that you find the freedom you search for.

 

[Agon321]

Good luck.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Wishing you peace, and thinking of you.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Good luck! I hope you find peace.

 

[billie]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for

 

[Dliena]

I wish you eternal peace and luck OP. Goodbye dear stranger!

 

[goodoldnoname923]

I'm starting to cough not sure that's normal but i feel myself losing consciousness and slowly passing out

 

[Forveleth]

Catch you on the flip side!

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

I'm in the tent with CO as we speak and the smell in my nosils and feeling in my head is far from pleasant but I wouldn't call it painful. I'd say its more anxious than anything. I really hope this works but i'm not sure it will tbh its kinda scary but i may finally find peace

I guess i want to apologise to my parents for taking this action,i want to apologise to all the people i hurt over the years with all my mental issues and i want to apologise to myself for not being a better person

I want to thank all the kind and informative people i've found on this on this community and i wish you all the best in finding the peace you all serve or managing to find joy in existence

Either way i will be sure to update you if i somehow survive but if not i bid all thy fairwell

Enjoy freedom and eternal peace.

I'm starting to cough not sure that's normal but i feel myself losing consciousness and slowly passing out

I wish I could be so close to release from this world, myself. Have a good journey, friend.

 

[astr4]

i hope your journey is calm and that you find your peace

 

[goodoldnoname923]

So few things i wanted to say

1. Given all of this was hastily put together in one day i got the best tent i could (which wasn't a malwai) so i believe that could've been a possible lead for error

2. Because of this i believe too much air was coming into the tent causing me to daze in and out of drowzeyness which had A sort of relaxing vibe to it when i didn't feel like my lungs were shutting down which purely could've been anxiety. Could be due to my low muscle tone but i also felt a sense of pain in my legs from the low oxygen in the blood but that also could've been me being used to spawling and been afraid to do so given the carlcoal


3. Everyone i'd say is right it is quite painless and not too discomforting minus the FOD but honestly i don't feel a sense of urgency or panic to get out making it a very plausible method given some research and trial and error. I ran out of duct tape as i had a small roll and ended up setting up in 2 separate rooms given the 1st one wasn't optimal in the slightest So had to resort to masking tape for the door that let in way to much air

So next time I'm definitely going to patch that better maybe putting in slightly more carlcoal too? As they do melt down a fair bit? I'm not fully sure what went wrong as there are so many factors to what could have gone wrong so it's difficult to know what to try fixing specifically but just cover as many grounds as possible any advice would be massively appreciated thank you

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

So few things i wanted to say

1. Given all of this was hastily put together in one day i got the best tent i could (which wasn't a malwai) so i believe that could've been a possible lead for error

2. Because of this i believe too much air was coming into the tent causing me to daze in and out of drowzeyness which had A sort of relaxing vibe to it when i didn't feel like my lungs were shutting down which purely could've been anxiety. Could be due to my low muscle tone but i also felt a sense of pain in my legs from the low oxygen in the blood but that also could've been me being used to spawling and been afraid to do so given the carlcoal


3. Everyone i'd say is right it is quite painless and not too discomforting minus the FOD but honestly i don't feel a sense of urgency or panic to get out making it a very plausible method given some research and trial and error. I ran out of duct tape as i had a small roll and ended up setting up in 2 separate rooms given the 1st one wasn't optimal in the slightest So had to resort to masking tape for the door that let in way to much air

So next time I'm definitely going to patch that better maybe putting in slightly more carlcoal too? As they do melt down a fair bit? I'm not fully sure what went wrong as there are so many factors to what could have gone wrong so it's difficult to know what to try fixing specifically but just cover as many grounds as possible any advice would be massively appreciated thank you

Don't feel too bad about failing, you obviously learned some valuable lessons. Tomorrow is another day and who knows what might happen? It's not shameful to delay for any reason. hope you eventually find peace.

 

[Dark Window]

So few things i wanted to say

1. Given all of this was hastily put together in one day i got the best tent i could (which wasn't a malwai) so i believe that could've been a possible lead for error

2. Because of this i believe too much air was coming into the tent causing me to daze in and out of drowzeyness which had A sort of relaxing vibe to it when i didn't feel like my lungs were shutting down which purely could've been anxiety. Could be due to my low muscle tone but i also felt a sense of pain in my legs from the low oxygen in the blood but that also could've been me being used to spawling and been afraid to do so given the carlcoal


3. Everyone i'd say is right it is quite painless and not too discomforting minus the FOD but honestly i don't feel a sense of urgency or panic to get out making it a very plausible method given some research and trial and error. I ran out of duct tape as i had a small roll and ended up setting up in 2 separate rooms given the 1st one wasn't optimal in the slightest So had to resort to masking tape for the door that let in way to much air

So next time I'm definitely going to patch that better maybe putting in slightly more carlcoal too? As they do melt down a fair bit? I'm not fully sure what went wrong as there are so many factors to what could have gone wrong so it's difficult to know what to try fixing specifically but just cover as many grounds as possible any advice would be massively appreciated thank you

Update?

 

[Forveleth]

This is going to sound weird but that's about as good of a failure as you could have. Didn't get caught, no apparent SI, you seem to know what you need to do next time. Bummer that it didn't work but sounds like you are set for success next time.

Hope you can relax and recover and line up another try if/when you're ready.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

This is going to sound weird but that's about as good of a failure as you could have. Didn't get caught, no apparent SI, you seem to know what you need to do next time. Bummer that it didn't work but sounds like you are set for success next time.

Hope you can relax and recover and line up another try if/when you're ready.

Yea it was definitely a learning experience to be sure,i have ideas of what i need to do next time to increase the odds of success.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Ok so attempt 2 should be happening today,unfortunately i could not get the tent I wanted so I'm improvising. I'm going to use a sheet of tarp over the tent to block out any airflow,I've discovered fully were the vents are from the inside so now i can tape those off. I can fully tape the window as i ran out of duct tape before and tape the door properly too

I'm hoping this will be enough to work but unfortunately i still have huge doubts and not sure what else i can do

 

[CS~]

I'm sorry it didn't work out last time, but I hope you find peace. This sounds like it could be a good way to go and I'm now considering it. Thank you for your insights.

 

[J&L383]

Peace to you.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Ok so attempt 2 should be happening today,unfortunately i could not get the tent I wanted so I'm improvising. I'm going to use a sheet of tarp over the tent to block out any airflow,I've discovered fully were the vents are from the inside so now i can tape those off. I can fully tape the window as i ran out of duct tape before and tape the door properly too

I'm hoping this will be enough to work but unfortunately i still have huge doubts and not sure what else i can do

This sounds very thorough and proactive of you. I hope you find the peace you're searching for.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

So i have a better idea of how to burn the carlcoal now which may make it more effective maybe even slightly quicker

I have taped the vents in the 2000 based tent (recommended 3000 or higher but having to improv here) fully sealed the window as i ran out last time and i plan to seal the door

I've also gotten a sheet of tarp and buried the tent in that perhaps this will trap the air in more i'm not fully sure but i will be burning the coal in a matter of hours i will probably get back to you once i get into the tent

 

[PanaxMan]

So i have a better idea of how to burn the carlcoal now which may make it more effective maybe even slightly quicker

I have taped the vents in the 2000 based tent (recommended 3000 or higher but having to improv here) fully sealed the window as i ran out last time and i plan to seal the door

I've also gotten a sheet of tarp and buried the tent in that perhaps this will trap the air in more i'm not fully sure but i will be burning the coal in a matter of hours i will probably get back to you once i get into the tent

Good Luck. Hopefully you pass on.

 

[Forveleth]

So i have a better idea of how to burn the carlcoal now which may make it more effective maybe even slightly quicker

I have taped the vents in the 2000 based tent (recommended 3000 or higher but having to improv here) fully sealed the window as i ran out last time and i plan to seal the door

I've also gotten a sheet of tarp and buried the tent in that perhaps this will trap the air in more i'm not fully sure but i will be burning the coal in a matter of hours i will probably get back to you once i get into the tent

ngl, the red is giving me a cozy vibe. If I lived anywhere near wilderness I'd be tempted to go this way.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I wish I had this level of courage.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Guess i'll leave another update,this is more of a mini vent than anything else

There is multiple reasons i want to go through with this,the inability to make and sustain meaningful relationships,unhappiness within myself past mistakes and regrets the loss of many friends and opportunities to do things i lack of events and hobbies growing up…just general unhappiness within my life and self among my emotional disabilty and the hatred and bad wrap i get because of those issues which I believe to be warranted

But i guess the core reason above all that was losing my favourite person,my best friend,someone i treasured with all my heart,someone i loved deeply,the only person who i felt tried to understand me and be there for me…the only person who made my life worth living for


I recently talked with her now boyfriend which is a new friend she met months ago before leaving myself…long story short had some dodgy engagements with him the way she left felt out of field and i guess i believed he manipulated her some how

No one really believed this and i even started doubting myself despite certain stuff not adding up,recently however i ended up having a conversation with him…he seemed nice and understanding eventually turning cold some what even telling me how much happier blue was that she had gotten away from her toxic father and felt more comfortable within herself

Which made me happy to hear even the fact that they were dating as much as it broke me and i wish i had done for blue what he had in a matter of months it was sweet all the same

But apparently she's scared to death of me for shit i've done to her understandbly yet she supposely doesn't hate me but thinks I'm nothing but a monster that hurts people? And then there is other things that seemingly don't add up based on what i've heard and seen but i really don't want to spiril into it again

If in the small chance i'm right no one will believe me anyway,and if i'm wrong which is most likely it's just not worth it for her sake i'm really hoping its the latter. it's also very possible perhaps he was being dishonest in a way to help me move on or not think he is a danger or whatever idrk worst case scenario i believe she has others she can talk to if shit goes south

I lost my reason to continue to stay in this world and didn't have much to begin with…if she came back to me i really saw myself making a turn for the best doing more with my life and myself continuing therapy even talking out our own issues and past as well as reassing how i go about relationships and how i treat people

But now…i'm ok with this i've got a painless way to die maybe i am fixable maybe i'm not but honestly I'm just happy that my friend blue is happy and i'll be soon out of her hair and my own suffering too

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish you all the best and good luck with your plan! Thanks for documenting the method and updating us here. I hope you find peace & freedom!

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Ultimately though i did alot wrong to her,i hurt her alot there was times were i felt i tried to help but went so in the wrong way. There is times were i felt we were extremely close and got along and I genuinely feel we could've patched things but if the damage has truly been done which it appears it has and if she's really in a better place why try to change that? I believe I've served my time on this earth and not done much with it maybe i've helped a few people or even brought joy but i believe the amount of misery and pain I've inflicted on others and even myself just wasn't worth the journey

Again this is far from my sign off

Just a few thoughts i wanted to share,in a way it's a shame because i do have some really good friends around me now some i met from this forum others elsewhere and even some rekindled old contacts nethertheless i do wish them all well and hope my passing doesn't weigh on them too deeply as much as i feel it hurts i do genuinely feel its for the best

 

[AllMyDreams]

Guess i'll leave another update,this is more of a mini vent than anything else

There is multiple reasons i want to go through with this,the inability to make and sustain meaningful relationships,unhappiness within myself past mistakes and regrets the loss of many friends and opportunities to do things i lack of events and hobbies growing up…just general unhappiness within my life and self among my emotional disabilty and the hatred and bad wrap i get because of those issues which I believe to be warranted

But i guess the core reason above all that was losing my favourite person,my best friend,someone i treasured with all my heart,someone i loved deeply,the only person who i felt tried to understand me and be there for me…the only person who made my life worth living for


I recently talked with her now boyfriend which is a new friend she met months ago before leaving myself…long story short had some dodgy engagements with him the way she left felt out of field and i guess i believed he manipulated her some how

No one really believed this and i even started doubting myself despite certain stuff not adding up,recently however i ended up having a conversation with him…he seemed nice and understanding eventually turning cold some what even telling me how much happier blue was that she had gotten away from her toxic father and felt more comfortable within herself

Which made me happy to hear even the fact that they were dating as much as it broke me and i wish i had done for blue what he had in a matter of months it was sweet all the same

But apparently she's scared to death of me for shit i've done to her understandbly yet she supposely doesn't hate me but thinks I'm nothing but a monster that hurts people? And then there is other things that seemingly don't add up based on what i've heard and seen but i really don't want to spiril into it again

If in the small chance i'm right no one will believe me anyway,and if i'm wrong which is most likely it's just not worth it for her sake i'm really hoping its the latter. it's also very possible perhaps he was being dishonest in a way to help me move on or not think he is a danger or whatever idrk worst case scenario i believe she has others she can talk to if shit goes south

I lost my reason to continue to stay in this world and didn't have much to begin with…if she came back to me i really saw myself making a turn for the best doing more with my life and myself continuing therapy even talking out our own issues and past as well as reassing how i go about relationships and how i treat people

But now…i'm ok with this i've got a painless way to die maybe i am fixable maybe i'm not but honestly I'm just happy that my friend blue is happy and i'll be soon out of her hair and my own suffering too

For what it's worth you don't strike me as a monster at all, you strike me as someone who is considerate about your friend. I don't know what it is you've done but everyone's made mistakes in relationships and we all have to try and forgive ourselves, because it's part of being human.

In any case I hope whatever you end up doing you find peace. If at any point you have second thoughts/regrets don't hesitate to call help (maybe have the number on speed dial).

 

[goodoldnoname923]

For what it's worth you don't strike me as a monster at all, you strike me as someone who is considerate about your friend. I don't know what it is you've done but everyone's made mistakes in relationships and we all have to try and forgive ourselves, because it's part of being human.

In any case I hope whatever you end up doing you find peace. If at any point you have second thoughts/regrets don't hesitate to call help (maybe have the number on speed dial).

As many people say to me but sadly many would disagree some days i believe the good otherdays i believe the bad…I definitely do and have done alot of fucked up shit have alot of personal issues too wether i can be fixed idrk another reason why i wanna go not just from a selfish but selfless angle i dont wanna go through the endless cycle of making friends and losing them and i dont really wanna put any more people through pain than i already have