Venting Hating yourself fucks everything up

[lastappleonearth]

I guess that's pretty obvious, but I really didn't see it for such a long time. I think I've been hating or at least strongly disliking myself for a pretty long time now, but I think that I didn't always fully realise the extent of it and it was more subconsciously if that makes sense. But yeah, even hating yourself subconsciously can fuck a lot up tbh. I ruined basically all my friendships and relationships and I didn't even see what I was doing back then, I just pushed people away, self sabotaged every good thing I had going for me and in the process hurt a bunch of people. I of course deeply regret this now and I don't understand how I didn't see it back then and couldn't stop myself. I just didn't believe I deserved something good to happen to me I guess, so I destroyed everything. It's awful and it leads to loneliness and isolation and a ton of regrets obv, I honestly don't wish it on anyone. I really don't blame anyone for leaving, they tried their best to stay, but sooner or later everyone is going to leave, if you push them away further and further and most will never return. I wish I could at least apologise.
If you ever find yourself behaving in similar fashion, self sabotaging and putting all your most important relationships in jeopardy, pls if u can, try to stop yourself. I guess I didn't try hard enough and then it all was over so quickly and now I'm just alone