Venting Today fucking sucked

[Khaos_Playground]

I had an interview today, I was so so excited. I tried to go to bed early but my flashbacks started acting up really bad thanks to my ptsd, I got about 2 hours of that weird half-sleep where you're still semi-conscious but you're still so tired you're basically asleep before my brain decided to send me spiraling with the thought "if you sleep now, one of your friends will die again and it will be your fault again", something I have severe trauma from due to an incident that happened when I was around 14-16 I believe? Memories blur lol. I shot up panicked and checked my messages only to find my fears confirmed when my friend messaged me saying she was planning a double suicide with one of her friends. I spent hours talking her down, it's selfish I know but the guilt would never have left me had she killed herself and she is only 17 (she's a friend I knew before I became an adult and as far as I am aware she does not use this website thank god). I didn't manage to go back to sleep again after that, not that I particularly wanted to anyways. I spent the rest of the time between 4 and 12 preparing for my interview, it was a 10 minute interview for a job making pizzas but it was my first interview and I am in need of money, so I wanted to make a good first impression. By the time I got to the place I found out the address they gave is not showing up, on the map it shows the correct address but on the street it showed an entirely different address despite me checking several times it was the correct address. The uber dropped me off at the local dollar general and I walked to the interview site right on time only for no one to respond to me knocking (the building they gave for an interview was someone's house which I'm told is kind of normal). I had to wait until 2:15 in the heat for my ride home while waiting at the dollar general, whole time I was trying not to break down because the flashbacks were really fucking bad and I was on the verge of having a panic attack, I don't doubt I looked like some kind of junkie while waiting for my uber home. When I got home I tried desperately to sleep, I took 4 Benadryl and some melatonin to sleep and all I managed was an hour of half sleep.

It is 3 almost 4 Am, any time I get close to sleeping the memories get worse and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I haven't slept beyond that diet sleep in about 3 days now. Every little noise is scaring me out of my skin. I have no food or water in my trailer because I have no money and my friends have all cancelled on me any time I go to donate plasma for money. I want more than anything to die right now, yet I don't have the money to even afford SN or a rope to hang myself with, and I can't walk to the train tracks in this condition even if I wanted to. I hate everything about this life.