Venting I don’t want to wake up anymore

[lastappleonearth]

I really don't want to anymore, I wish I could just fall asleep one night and never wake up again. Every single day, when I wake up, the first thing I feel is this overwhelming dread and sadness and it just doesn't seem to ever go away. I always wake up alone, usually without any messages from anyone, no one reaches out and I get it. Recently I visited my only friend in another country (not far tho) and it was the first irl social interaction outside of my immediate family for over a year. I guess that's progress, but idk, now I'm back home and nothing is better. He'll probably leave too sooner or later, cus that usually happens. I know it's dumb, but sometimes I really wish that I never had any connections to begin with, because then I wouldn't know how it felt to have someone and I guess I couldn't miss it. I just want this to stop, I don't want to do this anymore, like I already have to force myself to eat, I'm never hungry. At this point I'm having a hard time seeing a way out of this. I just don't know what to do, seems like I fucked up

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I don't even know what to say, except for:

+1

Every single word is true for me as well.

 

[lastappleonearth]

I don't even know what to say, except for:

+1

Every single word is true for me as well.

Im sorry, I wish you all the best

 

[ILOSTHER]

I get that immediate sense of anxiety and panic when I wake up it's genuinely so brutal. Like why, just why.

 

[lastappleonearth]

I get that immediate sense of anxiety and panic when I wake up it's genuinely so brutal. Like why, just why.

Yeah it's like the worst way for a day to start. I didn't appreciate it enough, when things weren't like this

 

[callmer]

Fucked up life. And the worst part is it's all meaningless. Just a vicious cycle. Going to bed knowing the next day is gonna be the same and never bring any relief. Shit only gets worse if anything happens at all.

 

[urgent]

Same but I'm in severe pain and get very little sleep. It's torture as soon as I'm awake.

 

[time2gosoon]

I really don't want to anymore, I wish I could just fall asleep one night and never wake up again. Every single day, when I wake up, the first thing I feel is this overwhelming dread and sadness and it just doesn't seem to ever go away. I always wake up alone, usually without any messages from anyone, no one reaches out and I get it. Recently I visited my only friend in another country (not far tho) and it was the first irl social interaction outside of my immediate family for over a year. I guess that's progress, but idk, now I'm back home and nothing is better. He'll probably leave too sooner or later, cus that usually happens. I know it's dumb, but sometimes I really wish that I never had any connections to begin with, because then I wouldn't know how it felt to have someone and I guess I couldn't miss it. I just want this to stop, I don't want to do this anymore, like I already have to force myself to eat, I'm never hungry. At this point I'm having a hard time seeing a way out of this. I just don't know what to do, seems like I fucked up

I feel this so much.
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling something similar to me, but it's also a relief to know we're not the only ones.
I also wish that I would just stop waking up.

Be well on your journey.

 

[Off_Switch]

How many more mornings do you think you can force yourself to get out of bed? Another decade would be 3652 more times.

 

[whaleandwasp]

I just woke up. I've been in bed for a week, getting up to use the restroom and get a few bites of food when I have to. No messages. No one ever checks on me. We could all be each other's friend and check in on one another if we really wanted to. Truth is, I don't know if I want the burden of a friendship. I can barely take care of my basic needs; talking to someone else, even through text, seems exhausting. But we could. I had a catastrophic injury a few months ago and I everytime I wake up, I'm reminded of it and what my future looks like, and it's bleak. It's like after I became a widower, waking up each time was like losing my partner all over again. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to die in my sleep.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Fucked up life. And the worst part is it's all meaningless. Just a vicious cycle. Going to bed knowing the next day is gonna be the same and never bring any relief. Shit only gets worse if anything happens at all.

True, it all feels so devoid of meaning, so bland. Idk, I just try to distract myself as best as I can, I need to cope somehow.
I hope it gets better for you

How many more mornings do you think you can force yourself to get out of bed? Another decade would be 3652 more times.

That sure is a lot

 

[wheezingdemon]

I really don't want to anymore, I wish I could just fall asleep one night and never wake up again. Every single day, when I wake up, the first thing I feel is this overwhelming dread and sadness and it just doesn't seem to ever go away. I always wake up alone, usually without any messages from anyone, no one reaches out and I get it. Recently I visited my only friend in another country (not far tho) and it was the first irl social interaction outside of my immediate family for over a year. I guess that's progress, but idk, now I'm back home and nothing is better. He'll probably leave too sooner or later, cus that usually happens. I know it's dumb, but sometimes I really wish that I never had any connections to begin with, because then I wouldn't know how it felt to have someone and I guess I couldn't miss it. I just want this to stop, I don't want to do this anymore, like I already have to force myself to eat, I'm never hungry. At this point I'm having a hard time seeing a way out of this. I just don't know what to do, seems like I fucked up

I relate to this so much.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Same but I'm in severe pain and get very little sleep. It's torture as soon as I'm awake.

Same, I feel so physically terrible when I wake up, I start to become afraid of falling asleep sometimes. It's such a wretched experience.

 

[Hollowman]

Same here but I always do. Glad I'm not immortal. It'll end one way or another.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Same here but I always do. Glad I'm not immortal. It'll end one way or another.

Yeah, being immortal would suck. Life just seems so long (prob bcs I'm young). I would love to be able to enjoy live, experience things etc, but I just can't. Ive already missed out on so much

 

[Pluto]

 

[vanillacakeyyy]

we're in such similar situations, it really hurts me also to wake up knowing there's nothing or no one to look forward to ): the only thing that's changing is my mental state declining

 

[lastappleonearth]

we're in such similar situations, it really hurts me also to wake up knowing there's nothing or no one to look forward to ): the only thing that's changing is my mental state declining

I'm sorry you can relate. We aren't meant to be so alone

 

[DeadManLiving]

Same but I'm in severe pain and get very little sleep. It's torture as soon as I'm awake.

Neurological torture or existential, or both?