fuck opening up

[monotine]

i fucking hate it when people say to just talk to someone if you're depressed/suicidal.
the people around me know i'm suicidal. i've had failed attempts and i have selected friends to whom i opened up to in the past.

i deeply regret that now.

they said i can always talk to them if i need someone, but because of how depressed i am, they're now sick of hearing the same shit over and over. they think im not helping myself get out of this shithole and that i'm comfortable in my grief but they don't even know the amount of effort i put into living another day in this shitty life.

other people in my life are always telling me that they're here for me, but the moment suicide or something depressive is brought up it gets awkward and they don't know what to say afterwards.

i hate the bullshit things people say like "it'll get better tomorrow" "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but they aren't even the ones living in my pain. why do i have to keep suffering just so they'd feel better? i hate it even more because even i don't know what i want to hear from them anyway.

im just so fucking mad and sick of it all. i genuinely want out of this. i'm never opening up to people IRL anymore cause it doesn't actually help. it just makes me feel like shit

 

[ctb_warrior]

You are absolutely right.
Never open to ppl IRL.
They are mostly hypocrites.
I recently told some of my friends that I'm going to CTB.
One of my very close friends got angry and scolded me and stopped talking to me.
I told this to her, so that she doesn't feel that I have ghosted or abandoned her. Once i die, there'd be no way for her to know if I'm dead or alive. She'll only have to predict that and it'll remain a mystery for her until she crosses over to the other side and meets me.
I told her with the intention so she knows that I'm no longer alive if I'm not in touch with her anymore. But it backfired. Now I'm thinking, it'd be better if i didn't tell her and the others.
Interestingly, when i first told ppl that I'm suicidal, some tried to counsel me, some distanced, and i realised most of them don't even care.

Out of my extremely big circle of hundreds of friends, I have less than 10 friends who care for me.

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

It's difficult to find a "safe person." I had one. Someone who also felt suicidal and we would get together and talk about it and just get it out of our systems and not feel suicidal anymore for a while. It was lie vomiting out the urge to die. But thi friend just abandoned me after 30 years and I don't have any other "safe person." They are few and far between. Someone who knows what it's lie because they feel the same way, but you can purge the feeling just by talking about it.
This forum has become a little bit of a replacement for that friendship, But nothing will ever replace it.
The subject makes makes too many people uncomfortable and thy just don't want to talk about it. or they give me platitudes. They mostly freak out and try to make you promise you won't do iit, or they look at me like a freak (I get enough of that just by existing).
If they haven't been there themselves, they don't really know what it feels like, and for some people talking about doing it doesn't purge that feeling of wanting to do it.

There are a few safe people out there, if that works for you. But they're very difficult to find and you have to get to know them, because most people will just freak the fuck out and not understand it at all.

 

[ctb_warrior]

It's difficult to find a "safe person." I had one. Someone who also felt suicidal and we would get together and talk about it and just get it out of our systems and not feel suicidal anymore for a while. It was lie vomiting out the urge to die. But thi friend just abandoned me after 30 years and I don't have any other "safe person." They are few and far between. Someone who knows what it's lie because they feel the same way, but you can purge the feeling just by talking about it.
This forum has become a little bit of a replacement for that friendship, But nothing will ever replace it.
The subject makes makes too many people uncomfortable and thy just don't want to talk about it. or they give me platitudes. They mostly freak out and try to make you promise you won't do iit, or they look at me like a freak (I get enough of that just by existing).
If they haven't been there themselves, they don't really know what it feels like, and for some people talking about doing it doesn't purge that feeling of wanting to do it.

There are a few safe people out there, if that works for you. But they're very difficult to find and you have to get to know them, because most people will just freak the fuck out and not understand it at all.

It's sad to hear your story about your friend abandoning you. I have few stories to share if that can help you feel better. I had this friend of mine when I was 10, his father used to compare my marks and his marks always. I used to think of him like my brother. But this chap developed jealousy against me because of his father. If he had healthy competition with me, i would have enjoyed it. But, he lied to me that he's in California when he was in India. I asked him to send his pic, he couldn't send me his pic. So, i got to know. Later, he called and told me that he has bought a very expensive car. His tone was evident that he's trying to belittle me. I started laughing hysterically and I said to him, dude, i don't care whether you are rich or poor, intelligent or dumb, so you don't need to do all this shit. He has never contacted me after that day. And he was a brother to me from my perspective.
Another best friend i made at 15, he used to keep jumping from friend to friend leaving me alone by myself. I used to be like what the...! That made me realise, i can't depend on anyone. I need to have my own circle. I changed my approach. I started making friends on auto pilot. Interestingly, fast forward to this date, now that everyone knows I'm suicidal, out of 100s of friends in my circle, less than 10 friends really care and don't want me to die.. The rest don't even care.. that's human beings for you..
Across the globe, they are just like that. When they know you are of no value to them, they'll just discard like you don't even exist.
From a confident charismatic celebrity in my circle to a nobody who's depressed and suicidal loser.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I found a safe person to open up to and still regret it because now I feel I have no control over who knows. I thought it would make me feel relieved or like I could lighten the burden on me, but it didn't change how I felt at all. Now I just feel embarrassed and humiliated that I revealed something so personal and upsetting for the other person, and that's without experiencing some of the more standard negative outcomes like being blamed, abandoned, or punished for being suicidal. Some people might benefit from getting help but opening up usually doesn't help or change anything.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

Same! I never open up even if I, people give me stupid and robotic advices...it doesn't help. I just bottled up my thoughts or emotions. I hate feeling embarrassment and cringe telling my problems to someone. I just vent here as it's the safest place I consider.

 

[midwallace]

I feel this a lot too. I've had friends irl who were also suicidal but maybe not for that long or at this expense, then they got over it. My best friend used to be that way but once she got better I felt like she started getting tired of me always complaining or talking about pain and wanting to die. I'm trying not to vent to her or anyone close to me in person anymore. As much as they try to understand, most of them aren't actually prepared to hear us say we don't want to be alive or that we're not gonna be here some day, they even get angry or bored because they don't think we want to get better or get help at all as if it were easy. They say they're here for us, but we know they are not professionals, they can't hold us that long because that will "drain" them too. I hope you find people who actually listen, even if it's not irl. This place is the closest thing to that I've found so far.