Venting I’m unsure of suicide.

[favouriteworstolive]

Recently, a switch sort of flipped in my brain and I've been confused on how I feel.

I don't know how, but somehow, the thought of dying alone came to me recently and it sort of hit something in me and now my thought on suicide went from "This is the only way my life can go." to "Maybe things can change. maybe i can reach out." despite reaching out and asking for help is something i have denied myself for millions of reasons ever since before i even wanted to kill myself.

I hate this feeling. Suicide used to be a definite answer, and part of why i want to do it is because where my life is going, there is so much uncertainty and it terrifies me. Now suicide is an uncertainty in the sense of how much i'm willing to commit (lol).

it is frustrating. i'm debating of asking for help but it's more of a fantasy than something i will probably do. but it's something im thinking about, which is driving me away from suicide and it's actually pissing me off. i was gonna buy SN soon but with this whole dilemma i havent. i'm just. anxious. i don't know what to do.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

as painful as it is, if i were you, id probably listen to that doubt, suicide is permanent, but it is also always an option, it sounds like some part of you does want to seek help, so maybe give it a go, what do you have to lose? the option to exit is always there, you could give it one last shot, its not like a black and white thing where you must either live or die, it wont be easy if you choose to carry on, but you will have tried, maybe give it a go but treat it like a "testing period" analyse how you respond to help, whether it works, even a tiny bit, even if things get a little bit lighter, you just dont know until you try, if i were you, id give it one last shot (keeping in mind that you do not HAVE to carry on) more like a "decision postponed" than a "suicide is off the table" sort of thing if you get what i mean?

question what it is that you actually want from this help, is it something you can realistically get? if you got it, would you be satisfied enough with life to keep on living? examine your situation without committing to either position, just observe the facts of your life, and once you have done that, weigh them up, i think its normal to be somewhat ambivalent about suicide because its SUCH A BIG decision, although many people on here claim 100% certainty, i doubt the majority have that, because we are never really certain about anything in life, just see how it goes, and let yourself choose once you have more information (on whether the help actually "helps" or not)

 

[desiderium]

Suicide is a huge, irreversible decision. You can't take it back, and it's life-altering for others and life-ending for you. If you have a doubt, or a potential change of heart- listen to it.

Suicide will always be an option. If you're thinking about reaching out for help, I say give it a try. Best case scenario is that things really do get better. Things change. Hell, maybe you'll even find a way to be happy. If you reach out for help and you still feel the same, well.... suicide is still an option.

I'm not saying you should prolong your suffering by any means, or force yourself to continue living if its agonizing. But if a part of you wishes to seek help or try another path, I say go for it. Take the risk. Dive into that uncertainty and see how you come out the other side. If you were planning to die anyway, why not take one last risk before you do and seek help? Gamble with recovery, y'know? Maybe you'll win.

Either way, SN can be bought later. I know how frustrating it is to waver in your resolve when it comes to committing, as someone who's been there.

The choice is yours, of course. Autonomy is important. But maybe listen to that uncertainty and make a decision after you've tried it. Whatever you choose, there will be people to support you!

 

[literallynoone]

you can buy it at any point it's not going to go anywhere
try to reach out, death is permament there is no undo button
take care you can get through it