I’m an egoistic fraud

[salai]

Hello everyone.

People always tell me I'm a sweet and caring girl, but I'm just an egoistic fraud. I only care about how others view me, that's why I want to be appreciated and looked up to. Because I can't do these things myself, I yearn for people that can watch me perform on this stage created by my mind. I only want others to make myself feel needed. I hate myself.

I've been thinking about both SH and CTB. I don't think these two acts correlate, but they have the same root: the miserability of my life. I can't stand this anymore.

I've been diagnosed with depression and I'm currently taking antidepressants. They're making me more numb every day that goes by. Not in a good way: it's not erasing my pain, it's just making me unconscious. Less keen. I don't feel like myself anymore.

I might have atypical depression: my feelings are always a rollercoaster. One moment I'm so sad I can't get out of bed and the next I'm dancing with excitement because I remembered something funny that happened years ago. But I'm mostly sad all day. That's how messed up my brain is.

Hmm I feel like SH is like my last resource, something activated by my survival instincts. Maybe I want to do it because the pain I feel is so unbearable that the only way to bear it is by causing more pain to myself through physical wounds.

I really can't do this anymore. I'm so tired.

I feel like I'd want to get to get to know someone, but maybe it's not very good for neither me or that person haha

Thank you for reading my silly thoughts

 

[witchcraft]

I don't know if this will make sense, but I'll put it out there and try I anyway I guess...

"People always tell me I'm a sweet and caring girl, but I'm just an egoistic fraud. I only care about how others view me, that's why I want to be appreciated and looked up to. Because I can't do these things myself, I yearn for people that can watch me perform on this stage created by my mind. I only want others to make myself feel needed. I hate myself."

I've always been confused by this notion that a person should just be able to do these things for themself, like they exist in a vacuum... Like, how is it really any different from a genuine shitbag having fully deluded themselves into believing they are a sweet, caring person?

How can a human being realistically be expected to define themselves purely through their own navel-gazing with zero external input or affirmation?

That whole "stoic" idea is, quite simply, very very bizarre to me.

I mean sure, the opposite isn't good either: like being surrounded by jerks who convince you you're a bad person. As far as I can tell, it needs to be a balance.

Guess what I'm trying to say is that I genuinely can't see why it's *inherently* bad to need at least some confirmation about one's own image from other people. As far as I can tell, in all honesty, people need external feedback.

For some reason, there is this growing narrative today where wanting others to tell you, to show you that you're needed, is some kind of epic flaw. Obviously it can go too far and turn into negative reassurance seeking behaviors or whatever, but it doesn't have to manifest that way. There's literally nothing that says it has to, it will get warped into that.

Imagine playing an epic fantasy game like Skyrim and doing all these heroic acts and deeds and NOBODY, not a single soul, says "wow you're so great Dragonborn" or "you're my hero Mr Dragonborn." Like, what a load of crap. The game would suck. Players would rightfully call out how their actions have no impact on the world or how they're perceived. From my own personal observations and experience in life, successful people have always been told how great they are, reaffirmed with rewards and praise and compliments and so on. It is quite simply bizarre to flip that around on anybody who struggles and tell them they need to become some kind of psychological island.

Most successful people internalized that kind of self-talk and created that self-image BECAUSE they were bombarded with it from people around them so consistently, for a long time, and during their most formative years. The inverse of these successful people are those who have inflated their self-worth and self-image by gassing themselves up on nothing of substance, lying to themselves until they believe they're oh-so-awesome when literally little to nothing around them has ever actually confirmed that for them. These, at best, are the Dunning-Krugers and people who fail-upwards of society.

I would sooner trust or befriend someone who has your "problem" than someone who has deluded themselves into thinking they're this flawless gift from God because they've ignored or dismissed negative feedback their entire life and just repeat positive mantras in their head all day long.