Discussion fantasying about failing suicide?

[strawberrydino]

i want to kms but not really.

my deepest fantasy id i try to kill myself but fail slightly, no lasting injuries no nothing. i end up at a hospital, covered by my insurances thx america. my family and friends around my asking if im okay and saying we didnt realize you felt this way. but they dont feel guilty because how could they have known. i breakup with my bf because obviously not the right mental state for this. my parents agree i should have gone to therapy in the first place and support me in going. i dont feel stupid talking to my therapist because now my pain is real. i get medication and i dont feel like a financial burden because i actually do need medication. (bonus if my sex drive is killed my medication another problem gone). i actually can fully open up to my therapist about sh and my thoughts and work through them. my friends dont think im stupid if i say yeah my therapist wants me to talk to you guys about blank.

medication actually does make me better and i dont sh or think about suicide. i make better relationships with my friends. now im not laying in bed and thinking about killing my self i get to actually work on my projects which become successful or at least i finish them.

i dont feel like im hiding a large portion of myself and thoughts. i will say when im sad and vent appropriately to my therapist instead of traumadumping. my depression is real why else would i have tried to kill myself. yes nothing traumatic happened to me but clearly there is a chemical brain imbalance or something.

of course this cant happen because family and friends arent gonna not be traumatized. theyll be so sad about it too which is not what i want. i can just tell my therapist these thoughts, not anymore cuz my parents think i dont need therapy anymore, but yk i can just say it. but i wish it was this easy. that life could go how it should be if i could just kill myself, fail or not. i just feel like a poser when i dont even sh and all i say is i think about killing myself. its so unquantifiable i feel fake and like my sadness is just a random front and made up. maybe i really can lock in and get over it. idk.

anyone else with similar fantasies?

 

[burninghill]

A bit more extreme but I used to consider putting my arm on the railway and losing it, staging a failed attempt. I could still die this way but the risk didn't matter to me, I just wanted people to take me 100% seriously.

When I failed my attempt I sobbed because part of what held me back was not getting to watch people mourn me after death.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

There aren't many people left in my life and if I imagined they'd have that kind of response I would be talking to them about what's going on. I dread any scenario where there's an intervention and am actively planning to make sure that doesn't happen.

I mean, it sounds like a nice fantasy, but it's not something that I can even pretend would happen for me.