Discussion fantasying about failing suicide?

[strawberrydino]

i want to kms but not really.

my deepest fantasy id i try to kill myself but fail slightly, no lasting injuries no nothing. i end up at a hospital, covered by my insurances thx america. my family and friends around my asking if im okay and saying we didnt realize you felt this way. but they dont feel guilty because how could they have known. i breakup with my bf because obviously not the right mental state for this. my parents agree i should have gone to therapy in the first place and support me in going. i dont feel stupid talking to my therapist because now my pain is real. i get medication and i dont feel like a financial burden because i actually do need medication. (bonus if my sex drive is killed my medication another problem gone). i actually can fully open up to my therapist about sh and my thoughts and work through them. my friends dont think im stupid if i say yeah my therapist wants me to talk to you guys about blank.

medication actually does make me better and i dont sh or think about suicide. i make better relationships with my friends. now im not laying in bed and thinking about killing my self i get to actually work on my projects which become successful or at least i finish them.

i dont feel like im hiding a large portion of myself and thoughts. i will say when im sad and vent appropriately to my therapist instead of traumadumping. my depression is real why else would i have tried to kill myself. yes nothing traumatic happened to me but clearly there is a chemical brain imbalance or something.

of course this cant happen because family and friends arent gonna not be traumatized. theyll be so sad about it too which is not what i want. i can just tell my therapist these thoughts, not anymore cuz my parents think i dont need therapy anymore, but yk i can just say it. but i wish it was this easy. that life could go how it should be if i could just kill myself, fail or not. i just feel like a poser when i dont even sh and all i say is i think about killing myself. its so unquantifiable i feel fake and like my sadness is just a random front and made up. maybe i really can lock in and get over it. idk.

anyone else with similar fantasies?

 

[burninghill]

A bit more extreme but I used to consider putting my arm on the railway and losing it, staging a failed attempt. I could still die this way but the risk didn't matter to me, I just wanted people to take me 100% seriously.

When I failed my attempt I sobbed because part of what held me back was not getting to watch people mourn me after death.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

There aren't many people left in my life and if I imagined they'd have that kind of response I would be talking to them about what's going on. I dread any scenario where there's an intervention and am actively planning to make sure that doesn't happen.

I mean, it sounds like a nice fantasy, but it's not something that I can even pretend would happen for me.

 

[DewDr0p]

I have similar thoughts. throughout my life I have mades plans of nonmethods. I've never attempted any of them, but especially when I was younger and depressed, I spent a lot of time thinking about getting hit by cars, falling off cliffs and being found. having people be able to say: wow you are so strong!! idk, for me i think a lot of it comes to the fact that i am good at masking anxiety and what little depression i struggle with, to the point where it is a coping mechanism but one that exhausts me. the idea of a temporary break from reality and life has always appealed, have people look after you, where you aren't incompetent, you are ill, in need of help. recently, in the last couple months ive started self harming, it scratches the itch a little bit, but i actually hate when the one friend who knows comments. I often get too lazy to properly cover it up, we went on a hike and my arms were on full display lol. one of my common ones recently has been daydreaming about ODing on paracetamol, have a few hours of misery in my room to properly punish myself and then take the bus to the local hospital.

 

[endlesschatter]

I have already failed so many suicide attempts

 

[strawberrydino]

I have similar thoughts. throughout my life I have mades plans of nonmethods. I've never attempted any of them, but especially when I was younger and depressed, I spent a lot of time thinking about getting hit by cars, falling off cliffs and being found. having people be able to say: wow you are so strong!! idk, for me i think a lot of it comes to the fact that i am good at masking anxiety and what little depression i struggle with, to the point where it is a coping mechanism but one that exhausts me. the idea of a temporary break from reality and life has always appealed, have people look after you, where you aren't incompetent, you are ill, in need of help. recently, in the last couple months ive started self harming, it scratches the itch a little bit, but i actually hate when the one friend who knows comments. I often get too lazy to properly cover it up, we went on a hike and my arms were on full display lol. one of my common ones recently has been daydreaming about ODing on paracetamol, have a few hours of misery in my room to properly punish myself and then take the bus to the local hospital.

literally that too. cuz i sh and i feel so ashamed whenever some comments on it. my other friend who also sh once grabbed my arms and was just shaking their head at me for it and it sucked.

but ig it doesnt take away the thought maybe its bc i havent actually just kms.

 

[mofkiy]

i want to kms but not really.

my deepest fantasy id i try to kill myself but fail slightly, no lasting injuries no nothing. i end up at a hospital, covered by my insurances thx america. my family and friends around my asking if im okay and saying we didnt realize you felt this way. but they dont feel guilty because how could they have known. i breakup with my bf because obviously not the right mental state for this. my parents agree i should have gone to therapy in the first place and support me in going. i dont feel stupid talking to my therapist because now my pain is real. i get medication and i dont feel like a financial burden because i actually do need medication. (bonus if my sex drive is killed my medication another problem gone). i actually can fully open up to my therapist about sh and my thoughts and work through them. my friends dont think im stupid if i say yeah my therapist wants me to talk to you guys about blank.

medication actually does make me better and i dont sh or think about suicide. i make better relationships with my friends. now im not laying in bed and thinking about killing my self i get to actually work on my projects which become successful or at least i finish them.

i dont feel like im hiding a large portion of myself and thoughts. i will say when im sad and vent appropriately to my therapist instead of traumadumping. my depression is real why else would i have tried to kill myself. yes nothing traumatic happened to me but clearly there is a chemical brain imbalance or something.

of course this cant happen because family and friends arent gonna not be traumatized. theyll be so sad about it too which is not what i want. i can just tell my therapist these thoughts, not anymore cuz my parents think i dont need therapy anymore, but yk i can just say it. but i wish it was this easy. that life could go how it should be if i could just kill myself, fail or not. i just feel like a poser when i dont even sh and all i say is i think about killing myself. its so unquantifiable i feel fake and like my sadness is just a random front and made up. maybe i really can lock in and get over it. idk.

anyone else with similar fantasies?

I get you, my thoughts are a bit similar. While I do want to successfully die, if I ever were to survive, I'd want everyone around me to realize how bad it was, to validate my feelings in some way ?

 

[justasmalltowngirl6]

i want to kms but not really.

anyone else with similar fantasies?

i feel the same tbh. in the back of my mind, i know i want my current plan to ctb to fail. i'm too scared of death to actually ctb but part of me just wants to be able to say that i tried.

 

[auti]

I had this fantasy too and actually went through with it. I overdosed knowing I would likely not die (which actually kinda backfired as I ended up getting way closer to death than I thought I would). Honestly that first week in the ICU was so nice, people actually cared and paid attention to me for once in my life. After that life went right back to shit. My dream of things magically getting better after didn't come true. People aren't more understanding. They don't check in or take care of me more. So all the trauma from almost dying really wasn't worth it. But I suppose fantasies are just that: fantasies. They are never meant to come true. It's such a nice thought though and I do find myself still thinking about doing it again even if it's illogical.

 

[strawberrydino]

I had this fantasy too and actually went through with it. I overdosed knowing I would likely not die (which actually kinda backfired as I ended up getting way closer to death than I thought I would). Honestly that first week in the ICU was so nice, people actually cared and paid attention to me for once in my life. After that life went right back to shit. My dream of things magically getting better after didn't come true. People aren't more understanding. They don't check in or take care of me more. So all the trauma from almost dying really wasn't worth it. But I suppose fantasies are just that: fantasies. They are never meant to come true. It's such a nice thought though and I do find myself still thinking about doing it again even if it's illogical.

hey thanks for sharing this. because that is reality.

 

[auti]

hey thanks for sharing this. because that is reality.

Of course. It's not a perspective I hear often but it's one I think is worth sharing.

 

[TJT]

A bit more extreme but I used to consider putting my arm on the railway and losing it, staging a failed attempt. I could still die this way but the risk didn't matter to me, I just wanted people to take me 100% seriously.

When I failed my attempt I sobbed because part of what held me back was not getting to watch people mourn me after death.

While I've never fantasized about failing an attempted suicide, I've had passing thoughts of similar:
It is extremely tiresome to have people not acknowledge my disabilities because they are invisible to them. They look at me and see a "healthy person", they don't see the underlying physical health issues like chronic pain & chronic eye problems that impact me every moment I'm awake. And similarly, disability income won't accept me (or it'll take many years of reapplying to get recognized in the slightest) and most of my health issues are undiagnosed so as far as social security is concerned i'm probably "making it up" or something.

So it's crossed my mind what kind of physical injury would I need to sustain to get people to recognize I'm disabled and need assistance. Not just "oh just push past it" or "tough it out". Never serious intentions though behind those thoughts, in Avatar (the blue ppl movie) Jake is in a wheelchair and when he goes into his Avatar body he is able to feel the joy of dirt on his feet. That's what keeps me away from these thoughts. You never know some of the treasures until it's gone. Breathing well, using your feet, functioning hands, etc. True treasures everyone takes for granted until they're gone.

 

[19-21-8-5-14-25]

Holy shit this is so relatable.

Sometimes I wish I fell from my balcony and became a cripple and to finally perhaps get care and sympathy from humans. But I think they would only dehumanised someone like me even more so I hold off and the pain! The fricking pain and also the unpredictability of it all. No man.

But damn it I wish I was actually seen. Actually fucking seen. Not as a physical phenomenon or manifestation of arranged molecules and cells. But that's impossible with humans unfortunately. But I really do understand where you are coming from. I hope you actually get what you want, you deserve at least that for being brought into this hellhole called Earth.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Holy shit this is so relatable.

Sometimes I wish I fell from my balcony and became a cripple and to finally perhaps get care and sympathy from humans. But I think they would only dehumanised someone like me even more so I hold off and the pain! The fricking pain and also the unpredictability of it all. No man.

But damn it I wish I was actually seen. Actually fucking seen. Not as a physical phenomenon or manifestation of arranged molecules and cells. But that's impossible with humans unfortunately. But I really do understand where you are coming from. I hope you actually get what you want, you deserve at least that for being brought into this hellhole called Earth.

Be careful what you wish for…

I jumped 8 stories

I jumped 8 stories and survived. I woke up after a week coma, spent 3 months in hospital/rehab. I have life altering injures and scars. Everyone asks me what happened to me. I'm a walking (barely) failure and my trauma is visible, and will be for the rest of my life! I have lost friends and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[19-21-8-5-14-25]

Be careful what you wish for…

I jumped 8 stories

I jumped 8 stories and survived. I woke up after a week coma, spent 3 months in hospital/rehab. I have life altering injures and scars. Everyone asks me what happened to me. I'm a walking (barely) failure and my trauma is visible, and will be for the rest of my life! I have lost friends and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I read about her experience beforehand and it definitely influenced how I approach this particular fantasy, but hey fantasies are fantasies for a reason.

 

[nothere17]

I don't think I had this fantasy but possibly something similar ? Where i get into a serious accident, survive and for 6 months I can just put my life on hold, you know? No responsibilities, no classes, no job, no need for accountability for 6 months, just rest. But I know it wouldn't really work, specially for my family, the next day it would expected for me to study. I could discover the cure to Cancer and wouldn't be enough for them.

 

[breakerbom]

i want to kms but not really.

my deepest fantasy id i try to kill myself but fail slightly, no lasting injuries no nothing. i end up at a hospital, covered by my insurances thx america. my family and friends around my asking if im okay and saying we didnt realize you felt this way. but they dont feel guilty because how could they have known. i breakup with my bf because obviously not the right mental state for this. my parents agree i should have gone to therapy in the first place and support me in going. i dont feel stupid talking to my therapist because now my pain is real. i get medication and i dont feel like a financial burden because i actually do need medication. (bonus if my sex drive is killed my medication another problem gone). i actually can fully open up to my therapist about sh and my thoughts and work through them. my friends dont think im stupid if i say yeah my therapist wants me to talk to you guys about blank.

medication actually does make me better and i dont sh or think about suicide. i make better relationships with my friends. now im not laying in bed and thinking about killing my self i get to actually work on my projects which become successful or at least i finish them.

i dont feel like im hiding a large portion of myself and thoughts. i will say when im sad and vent appropriately to my therapist instead of traumadumping. my depression is real why else would i have tried to kill myself. yes nothing traumatic happened to me but clearly there is a chemical brain imbalance or something.

of course this cant happen because family and friends arent gonna not be traumatized. theyll be so sad about it too which is not what i want. i can just tell my therapist these thoughts, not anymore cuz my parents think i dont need therapy anymore, but yk i can just say it. but i wish it was this easy. that life could go how it should be if i could just kill myself, fail or not. i just feel like a poser when i dont even sh and all i say is i think about killing myself. its so unquantifiable i feel fake and like my sadness is just a random front and made up. maybe i really can lock in and get over it. idk.

anyone else with similar fantasies?

Oh absolutely. I hate how life just goes on, like it doesnt care when you feel like shit. Doing something so big to make it feel like life will slow down or stop for once is something ive been thinking about for a while now.

I know theres virtually no way to get away with something like that with almost no lasting injuries or health problems because of it. After all, it IS a near death experience. It would be a bit nice though… just for the attention

 

[strawberrydino]

I don't think I had this fantasy but possibly something similar ? Where i get into a serious accident, survive and for 6 months I can just put my life on hold, you know? No responsibilities, no classes, no job, no need for accountability for 6 months, just rest. But I know it wouldn't really work, specially for my family, the next day it would expected for me to study. I could discover the cure to Cancer and wouldn't be enough for them.

just a break would be so nice. from everyone. i wouldnt want to disappoint everyone like that but i want to so bad.

Oh absolutely. I hate how life just goes on, like it doesnt care when you feel like shit. Doing something so big to make it feel like life will slow down or stop for once is something ive been thinking about for a while now.

I know theres virtually no way to get away with something like that with almost no lasting injuries or health problems because of it. After all, it IS a near death experience. It would be a bit nice though… just for the attention

it makes me feel like a poser that i do just want that attention and maybe i am. but god i feel that way even when sh ing. idk. i feel so obviously unwell but no one else does.