Passive suicidality is torture

[burninghill]

I can't imagine anything worse than this.

It's hard to explain, I'm not exactly passively suicidal because I am actively planning to kill myself, but it's different to what I'd consider myself when I'm actually actively suicidal, which is this itchy unignorable need to kill myself as soon as possible. It's like desperation.

I wish I felt like that now, no matter for how long I plan to kill myself there's no way for me to will my body into believing that it's something I have to do, eventhough my brain understands that to be true. Hopefully somebody understands.

Maybe it's better to not die when I become desperate. I remember telling myself that no matter what happened, even if that despairing feeling passed, I had to kill myself anyway so I'd never feel that way again. Maybe I should kill myself while I'm still comparatively stable.

This life is so sad and exhausting. I wish I made more use out of it. I'm such a waste of my parents effort

 

[lilb0wpeep]

This is how I often feel, it makes me feel like I'm loosing my grip on sanity even though I am "more sane" than when I'm actively in crisis. It's like I'm just playing out gruesome scenarios in my head casually just because I wish I was dead even if I don't have the desperate need to act on the urge in that very moment. I think that's why I struggled with sh/still struggle with thoughts of it till this day. I'm technically in a calm state right now but in my head I'm just going over whether or not I should slice my forearms in hopes I might go deep enough. Good idea to do it now both because it would stop suffering entirely but also so that I don't have to get to the point of irrational desperation and despair.

 

[abstractcat7]

Fuck, this is exactly how I feel. I want the suffering to end, I hate being alive, but I'm scared of dying and there are so many things I still want and wish I could do. I've gotten really close to following through a few times, but I just can't bring myself to commit. I have commitment issues in general.

I've had this growing feeling or realization or something that when I do it, it probably isn't going to be in a moment where I'm high strung and desperate. It's probably going to be when I'm calmer and more level headed. When I've finally had enough, logically considered it enough, and subconsciously accepted there is no hope. I feel no hope but my subconscious keeps fooling itself into thinking there is. My brain can't comprehend ending. It doesn't make any sense. Perception completely ceases, both pain and the ability to perceive pain or a lack of it. That's scary. I want the pain to stop, and dying is probably the only real way especially with the state and direction of the world.

Saying all this only makes it make less sense to me. I'm scared of messing up when I do it and I still want to do so many things. The unfairness of life fills me with indignation.

I really fucking wish I could understand these feelings and thoughts and process them somehow.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

I can't imagine anything worse than this.

It's hard to explain, I'm not exactly passively suicidal because I am actively planning to kill myself, but it's different to what I'd consider myself when I'm actually actively suicidal, which is this itchy unignorable need to kill myself as soon as possible. It's like desperation.

I wish I felt like that now, no matter for how long I plan to kill myself there's no way for me to will my body into believing that it's something I have to do, eventhough my brain understands that to be true. Hopefully somebody understands.

Maybe it's better to not die when I become desperate. I remember telling myself that no matter what happened, even if that despairing feeling passed, I had to kill myself anyway so I'd never feel that way again. Maybe I should kill myself while I'm still comparatively stable.

This life is so sad and exhausting. I wish I made more use out of it. I'm such a waste of my parents effort

Walked out into a lake today with the intent of drowning myself after my sister and I had a fight… but chickened out after like five steps and sat there and cried instead.

A few months ago I was walking into traffic on slower roads… kind of testing it out more than anything.

I'm hopeful this means I can work my way up to ctb. Honestly the environment is perfect for it- my siblings are busy with caring for my abusive dad's current health problems, I lost my job, and there's nothing tying me down anymore.

I just need to keep trying more and more- ease into it until I am ready