Passive suicidality is torture

[burninghill]

I can't imagine anything worse than this.

It's hard to explain, I'm not exactly passively suicidal because I am actively planning to kill myself, but it's different to what I'd consider myself when I'm actually actively suicidal, which is this itchy unignorable need to kill myself as soon as possible. It's like desperation.

I wish I felt like that now, no matter for how long I plan to kill myself there's no way for me to will my body into believing that it's something I have to do, eventhough my brain understands that to be true. Hopefully somebody understands.

Maybe it's better to not die when I become desperate. I remember telling myself that no matter what happened, even if that despairing feeling passed, I had to kill myself anyway so I'd never feel that way again. Maybe I should kill myself while I'm still comparatively stable.

This life is so sad and exhausting. I wish I made more use out of it. I'm such a waste of my parents effort

 

[lilb0wpeep]

This is how I often feel, it makes me feel like I'm loosing my grip on sanity even though I am "more sane" than when I'm actively in crisis. It's like I'm just playing out gruesome scenarios in my head casually just because I wish I was dead even if I don't have the desperate need to act on the urge in that very moment. I think that's why I struggled with sh/still struggle with thoughts of it till this day. I'm technically in a calm state right now but in my head I'm just going over whether or not I should slice my forearms in hopes I might go deep enough. Good idea to do it now both because it would stop suffering entirely but also so that I don't have to get to the point of irrational desperation and despair.