Venting Sometimes I plan a nonmethod. anything to procrastinate i guess

[DewDr0p]

i need to study. need to get shit done. but i cant focus. just keep fantasizing about ODing and failing. getting through the pain. constantly apologising to everyone who helps me, they feel bad for me feeling like i have to apologise at all. i have a plan, though ATP it is just convoluted self harm. id take paracetamol in the morning, quite a lot of it. wait a few hours or as long as i can cope (though i hear some people dont get any symptoms at all) and call a helpline. i then take a bus to the hospital, or i guess an uber if that is too much? regardless i drag my ass there and apologise. i start saying sorry and just dont stop. i finally come clean and tell them the truth. my weirdass suicide ideation but not wanting to die, i guess it is NSSI, but if i do it bad enough to land me in the ER maybe then it will mean something.

i doubt ill actually carry it out. ill probably find joy and love and light or something. anyways i really need to do some study and paperwork and i dont want to do any of it. im probably just fantasising about this in th same way one dreams of being hit by a car to avoid going to work and being an adult and shutting up to just be a fucking adult already. god im so fucking lazy. my stomach grumbles and i skip meals to avoid dealing with people and the choice of food. no one ever mentions how good it feels to let yourself quietly fall apart. the smug satisfaction my one friend close enough to notice gets pissed off by it. they're my emergency contact. if i do it they will find out. they volunteer for some of that helpline shit. i feel bad. but they are the only reason i consider calling the helpline in my plan so i guess that is something.

FUCK THIS FUCKING CAR OUTSIDE HONKING AWAY FUCK THE SIRENS FUCK THE GUYS YAPPING AND YELLING AND GROWLING CAN YOU SHUTTUP??!?!?!? FUCK!

anyways guess ill try to get this study done so i dont disappoint my favourite prof.

 

[endlesschatter]

Buddy don't even think of OD. Sply Paracetamol. That's the worst thing to OD on. No matter how desperate you are, wasting time with non methods will lead you to frustration

 

[DewDr0p]

Buddy don't even think of OD. Sply Paracetamol. That's the worst thing to OD on. No matter how desperate you are, wasting time with non methods will lead you to frustration

I know. lowkey it's kind of the point. just a taste of fucking myself up. I'm kind of a coward, I smoked weed once and had a bad trip, just ended up barely responsive and had a panic attack for 3 hours. ngl it kinda was good, feeling so shit and scared felt validating. the only reason I haven't done anything similar is so i don't scare my friends. failed attempts in my head have a similar allure, except afterward i wont just literally run away when friends ask if im okay. at least with paracetamol i can do it on my own for cheap, i can get to the hopsital within 8-12 hours and have a pretty good prognosis, if i chicken out and do it in 4 or less even better, best practise is just charcoal. as stated, it is barely even an attempt, more just an elaborate waste of public health resources.

 

[endlesschatter]

I know. lowkey it's kind of the point. just a taste of fucking myself up. I'm kind of a coward, I smoked weed once and had a bad trip, just ended up barely responsive and had a panic attack for 3 hours. ngl it kinda was good, feeling so shit and scared felt validating. the only reason I haven't done anything similar is so i don't scare my friends. failed attempts in my head have a similar allure, except afterward i wont just literally run away when friends ask if im okay. at least with paracetamol i can do it on my own for cheap, i can get to the hopsital within 8-12 hours and have a pretty good prognosis, if i chicken out and do it in 4 or less even better, best practise is just charcoal. as stated, it is barely even an attempt, more just an elaborate waste of public health resources.

Paracetamol OD can lead to terrible symptoms in the chest. I did it as a teen and i regretted that instantly. Benzodiazepine ODs are better atleast that relaxes us and cuts us off the reality

 

[DewDr0p]

Paracetamol OD can lead to terrible symptoms in the chest. I did it as a teen and i regretted that instantly. Benzodiazepine ODs are better atleast that relaxes us and cuts us off the reality

huh, good to know. i dont really have access to benzos or whatever, and if i follow through i assume itll prevent me from getting my grubby little mitts on them in future but still. ill keep it in mind.

 

[endlesschatter]

huh, good to know. i dont really have access to benzos or whatever, and if i follow through i assume itll prevent me from getting my grubby little mitts on them in future but still. ill keep it in mind.

How i access benzos is very easy, i tell the psychiatrist that I'm having anxiety, had a few panic attacks and haven't been able to sleep for several days. They end up giving me atleast one benzo

 

[DewDr0p]

I'm getting surer of my stupid fucking plan. bought a few packs of paracetamol today. ill wait for most of my classes to be done for the week and then do it. I'm not depressed or anxious enough to justify an attempt that will actually succeed. i just need to know how it feels. im sorry for being such a waste of resources.

 

[endlesschatter]

I'm getting surer of my stupid fucking plan. bought a few packs of paracetamol today. ill wait for most of my classes to be done for the week and then do it. I'm not depressed or anxious enough to justify an attempt that will actually succeed. i just need to know how it feels. im sorry for being such a waste of resources.

Buddy please understand, paracetamol will create choking effect. It's very uncomfortable. I have done that and i thought I'll be dead, but that extreme discomfort made me regret my decision
Torturing the liver or kidney will only lead to slow painful death.

 

[DewDr0p]

Buddy please understand, paracetamol will create choking effect. It's very uncomfortable. I have done that and i thought I'll be dead, but that extreme discomfort made me regret my decision
Torturing the liver or kidney will only lead to slow painful death.

i know and i get it is stupid and regretable but i dont know what else to do? i feel lost? eveything has gotten a loss scarier and harder over the past few months. i used to have cliffs to stare down and climb around. now all i have is OTC meds and a very meager supply of SSRIs. i just want to get close to death without committing. its like cutting, get to see my blood and feel the pain in a way that is controlled, safe. just lose myself in the sensation. its the small pang of hunger when you choose to skip a meal so you can afford something else.

 

[endlesschatter]

i know and i get it is stupid and regretable but i dont know what else to do? i feel lost? eveything has gotten a loss scarier and harder over the past few months. i used to have cliffs to stare down and climb around. now all i have is OTC meds and a very meager supply of SSRIs. i just want to get close to death without committing. its like cutting, get to see my blood and feel the pain in a way that is controlled, safe. just lose myself in the sensation. its the small pang of hunger when you choose to skip a meal so you can afford something else.

I can understand you
This is a tough situation to be in . I'm also in a situation when ctb is difficult but the pain is too much

 

[DewDr0p]

I can understand you
This is a tough situation to be in . I'm also in a situation when ctb is difficult but the pain is too much

thanks. yeah shit's tough. and i'm bad at swallowing tablets too so there is a good chance i dont even succeed past the first step of my nonplan. i should clean my shit up so my friends dont feel as guilty.

 

[endlesschatter]

thanks. yeah shit's tough. and i'm bad at swallowing tablets too so there is a good chance i dont even succeed past the first step of my nonplan. i should clean my shit up so my friends dont feel as guilty.

I used to be good at swallowing tablets but due to OD attempts my body generates puking effect and I'm not able to swallow tablets easily.
I wish you all the love and luck to get the peace you seek

 

[DewDr0p]

i have 35g. i'll take 16g in a few days time and see where i go from there. ill start by putting on music and cleaning my room, then have a cup of milk and start gulping. from there? who knows. some self harm maybe. some arts and crafts. call a helpline if the going gets tough. catch the bus to the hospital when i feel ready. i know this is unrealistic as all fuck. i know im going to feel nauseous. ill probably throw up or whatever. plans never survive first contact. but maybe ill be able to let this fantasy remain just that? here's hoping i just had a shit few days and everything gets better.

 

[schmebyulok]

i doubt ill actually carry it out. ill probably find joy and love and light or something. anyways i really need to do some study and paperwork and i dont want to do any of it. im probably just fantasising about this in th same way one dreams of being hit by a car to avoid going to work and being an adult and shutting up to just be a fucking adult already. god im so fucking lazy. my stomach grumbles and i skip meals to avoid dealing with people and the choice of food. no one ever mentions how good it feels to let yourself quietly fall apart.

hey man if its any consolation, i resonate with this vent of yours really deeply. its incredibly frustrating and paralyzing to not have the guts to go through with any actual attempts and letting everything go to shit so that feeling like this will at least feel justified. i find myself wishing that other aspects of my life would just fall apart so that my life outside could match the way i feel internally and so i'd finally get the courage or push i need.