destroyed my life so lets end it (vent)

[evrlastingsea]

i ruined my life last year and i feel weirdly fine with it, because i'd die anyways. my medications only made it hard for me to feel anything other than numbness, and i can't feel any urgency to do something about my life. i know it's suicide prevention month, but i can only think about ctb ctb and ctb. i feel like i couldn't survive next month, but i can't bring myself to do anything about it.

it helps that my depression actually drove my friend away. it hurts me, a lot. but i get it. if i were them, i would hate me too. i wouldn't want someone as negative as me to be their friend. honestly, i just can't offer them anything else. so i get it.

without me realizing, i also got in a very bad financial situation. my fault, honestly. and i don't.. feel the urgency to do anything about it either. it's bad, really bad. i also got diagnosed with cancer, i guess it's not that bad yet, but i know treatment will still cost a lot. so i feel like i should just go with my plan.

i'm planning to ctb with sn this december and im still gathering everything bc i kinda dont want to miss a thing and fail my ctb. i don't want to die, honestly. but at this point, i also accepted the fact that i have to do it sooner or later.