Venting Got SN, mixed feelings

[BloodStainedAntlers]

I got my hands on sn. Enough to kill me 8 times over again. I feel a sense of peace knowing that I finally have the means to ctb effectively whenever i need it, but to some extent I fear the pain I'll cause to my loved ones if/when I do it. There's also this tiny sense of urgency because I'm scared that the SN will go bad. Luckily where I live I found a source where I can get sn cheap, high purity (>99%) and without any risk for wellfare checks or anything, so worst case I can just order ir again, but idk. I've been waiting for this for so long and I've been so fucking miserable, I just want to put an end to the eternal suffering, but I'm afraid of the pain I'll cause to the few people that care about me.
But atleast now I have a reliable way out. I have antiemetics and I have SN, thats all I need. If things fall apart completely past the point of any salvation, i can go. Thats all that counts.

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Keep it air tight and you should be fine. Glad to hear you got AE. And yeah, killing yourself is scary. I feel like the realer it becomes (like when you have SN), more of those types of thoughts creep in

 

[Dawnfang]

Same here, friend. Ever since I received the SN, I've had doubts. Yet I was so sure of myself before. I vacuum-sealed my SN in a bag, put it in a mason jar, and wrapped the jar in more plastic. Hopefully, this way, the SN will last for years.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I got my hands on sn. Enough to kill me 8 times over again. I feel a sense of peace knowing that I finally have the means to ctb effectively whenever i need it, but to some extent I fear the pain I'll cause to my loved ones if/when I do it. There's also this tiny sense of urgency because I'm scared that the SN will go bad. Luckily where I live I found a source where I can get sn cheap, high purity (>99%) and without any risk for wellfare checks or anything, so worst case I can just order ir again, but idk. I've been waiting for this for so long and I've been so fucking miserable, I just want to put an end to the eternal suffering, but I'm afraid of the pain I'll cause to the few people that care about me.
But atleast now I have a reliable way out. I have antiemetics and I have SN, thats all I need. If things fall apart completely past the point of any salvation, i can go. Thats all that counts.

I know exactly how you are feeling. I had similar feelings when I bought my SN one year ago. The reason why I am still alive it's not because I want to live, but because I don't want to hurt my narcissistic parents. They never truly expressed parental love towards me, but I still don't want to hurt them.

Same here, friend. Ever since I received the SN, I've had doubts. Yet I was so sure of myself before. I vacuum-sealed my SN in a bag, put it in a mason jar, and wrapped the jar in more plastic. Hopefully, this way, the SN will last for years.

The way your SN is packed, It will last way longer than its expiry date.

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I had similar feelings when I bought my SN one year ago. The reason why I am still alive it's not because I want to live, but because I don't want to hurt my narcissistic parents. They never truly expressed parental love towards me, but I still don't want to hurt them.

Yeah for me its also partly because of my family and mostly because of my gf and my 3 closest friends. I know I will absolutely destroy them if I ctb but its so hard to have to decide between their peace and my peace. Its a torturous decision to make.

The way your SN is packed, It will last way longer than its expiry date.

Thats really good to know, that definetly takes off a bit of the urgency feeling.
Though I still feel a bit of urgency because I've been wanting to ctb for so so long, but yet I have things holding me back to some extent. It's difficult. But winter is nearing and my mental state gets much much worse in winter, so i expect I will be able to ctb before the year ends.

Keep it air tight and you should be fine. Glad to hear you got AE. And yeah, killing yourself is scary. I feel like the realer it becomes (like when you have SN), more of those types of thoughts creep in

Thankfully the distributor sells it in airtight containers (like lab containers) so it should hopefully be fine..
And yeah, its an odd combination of feelings to feel so close to peace and yet so anxious

Same here, friend. Ever since I received the SN, I've had doubts. Yet I was so sure of myself before. I vacuum-sealed my SN in a bag, put it in a mason jar, and wrapped the jar in more plastic. Hopefully, this way, the SN will last for years.

thats a good idea! its definetly good to take away the burden of time stress, i feel like ctb should whenever possible not be a decision made under that sort of pressure

oh sorry it just smooshed all my replies together for some reason :(

 

[eyti]

שלום לכולם, אני חדש בפורום הזה ואני מקבל כאן הרבה מידע מעניין ושימושי, אז קודם כל, תודה. הזמנתי sn ממוכר ב-MIC והבנתי שבדיקות האקווריום ובדיקות הדם לא כל כך אמינות. אני המוכר, והוא טוען שה-sn טהור ב-99%, ואני לא רוצה לקחת סיכונים ולסבול סתם. האם היו מקרים שבהם הזמינו sn מ-MIC והתברר שהוא לא באיכות הכי טובה? הייתי משתמש בפונקציית החיפוש, אבל אני לא מוצא את זה... תודה לכולם!

 

[mekhi]

I got my hands on sn. Enough to kill me 8 times over again. I feel a sense of peace knowing that I finally have the means to ctb effectively whenever i need it, but to some extent I fear the pain I'll cause to my loved ones if/when I do it. There's also this tiny sense of urgency because I'm scared that the SN will go bad. Luckily where I live I found a source where I can get sn cheap, high purity (>99%) and without any risk for wellfare checks or anything, so worst case I can just order ir again, but idk. I've been waiting for this for so long and I've been so fucking miserable, I just want to put an end to the eternal suffering, but I'm afraid of the pain I'll cause to the few people that care about me.
But atleast now I have a reliable way out. I have antiemetics and I have SN, thats all I need. If things fall apart completely past the point of any salvation, i can go. Thats all that counts.

Same here, friend. Ever since I received the SN, I've had doubts. Yet I was so sure of myself before. I vacuum-sealed my SN in a bag, put it in a mason jar, and wrapped the jar in more plastic. Hopefully, this way, the SN will last for years.

How were you able to obtain Sn? I ordered some from amazon as I was told that as long as its 98% then its fine but I have doubts and don't want to be left with medical issues I can't afford if things go wrong.

 

[Dawnfang]

How were you able to obtain Sn? I ordered some from amazon as I was told that as long as its 98% then its fine but I have doubts and don't want to be left with medical issues I can't afford if things go wrong.

I cant say much because of the site's rules. Search "MiC" in the forum's search bar and put on your dective cap lol. It's basically a guessing game to find the website. Also whatever you bought on amazon is most likely NOT Sodium Nitrite, but rather Sodium NitrAte.

 

[mekhi]

I cant say much because of the site's rules. Search "MiC" in the forum's search bar and put on your dective cap lol. It's basically a guessing game to find the website. Also whatever you bought on amazon is most likely NOT Sodium Nitrite, but rather Sodium NitrAte.

Thank you!

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

How were you able to obtain Sn? I ordered some from amazon as I was told that as long as its 98% then its fine but I have doubts and don't want to be left with medical issues I can't afford if things go wrong.

I cant say much either but where I'm from theres an online store for Chemicals that ships to private people aswell, but it only ships inside my country and you need to give ID and everything.