Venting Givin' up

[DignifiedGrave]

I woke today and found i slept through my psych appointment. Last month I was prescribed abilify during my initial which I didnt want and my pharmacy never got despite me asking about the medication and advocating for myself to the doctor. So ive been suicidal and unmedicated, i was gonna talk to my psych about a new script and maybe getting mirtazapine which i originally wanted to try. Well throw that all out the window. I feel so fucking upset today, its like ive woken into a fucking rage and I feel so damn suicidal. God, I want so bad to just buy a shotgun and a box of slugs, take out my brainstem and everything that lay behind it. I don't give a fuck today man, not one. Guess id better take my hydroxyzine which my pharmacy somehow did get despite never recieve the abilify. I an so angry today. Idk thanks for reading this rant if you've gotten this far. I guess someone needs to know something, and i feel so damned ashamed about being suicidal, i just can't tell friends or family really about it in depth and honestly, that's driving me to the edge. Why am I here when all i do is isolate and work a stupid ass job i want to quit. I watch dragonball, what of when that's over? I feel like i already died last year and like my body isn't my body but a corpse thats just walking until the memo arrives. I wish my heart would stop so badly. I akways try to drink sn but no matter how sure I am I always find myself starring through that portal, calm like with an empty head, just starring, without anxiety or fear, because this corpse has to betray me. SI betrays. I just want to die already. Why am I denied passage through my portals?



This song puts it pretty well