willitpass
Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
- Mar 10, 2020
- 1,927
I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.
Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.
Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.
