How could someone as smart to study medicine be desirious of ctb? That seems strange to me
Apologies beforehand for posting something not necessarily related to SN but I just want to organise and type out my thoughts.
I know it's strange. But a few months ago the idea that life means suffering really struck me. I have stopped studying and basically have drowned myself in stupid entertainment since as I knew clearly I would ctb soon. I'm in what you call the preclinical years, only lectures so I can get away with not studying temporarily while I wait for my SN order to arrive. Growing up I did exceptionally well at school but I never knew what I want in life. There hasn't ever been anything in life that I am really passionate about and make me look forward to and it really matters.
If I look at the future, there are 30, 40 and maybe more years of endless work ahead. And I can already imagine how exhausting it will get after 36 hour shifts. I know for sure I won't see the day I practise but I suppose trying to prolong people's life and dragging people from death, often causing so much pain doing so, are exactly the opposite of my philosophy as well.
Here comes my antinatalist rant. I really wish I had never been born and it could be much easier. Life is a liability and burden forced upon every one of us. Everything in life is illusionary and pointless at the end, including things like love, family, friends etc, and to be honest we spend so much energy in averting pain and suffering. I really wish I could be one of those oblivious people gladly living in a bubble happy over ridiculous stuffs but at the end of the day my brain tells me the effort is not worth it. Call me depressed if you want but as far as I'm concerned my logic is still pretty sound and to me it seems a pretty reasonable response to what life has in store. Living feels like running a failing business, each day generates a net negative value. And even the so-called best lives are not worth living.
Clearly there are so many underprivileged people out there and I 'should be grateful'. The question of what keeps them hanging on, despite the odds obviously against their favour, bemuses me. And I also ask myself the question why do people keep giving birth willingly knowing that misery will propagate itself across generations.
I know personally that going to a nice school or having a nice career does not guarantee satisfaction in life. It probably could have been better if I could view things less pragmatic and less pessimistic but how can I possibly decide that. I blame 'bad genes' as I believe in genetic determinism. It's a really interesting theory tbh and can probably make people who want to ctb less guilty LOL
My plan is to ctb in June and at the moment I feel serene and at ease.
While here I am sharing my feelings and circumstances, I hope you who read this could do the same! ♥♥