Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[Jule_from_Germany]

7 and growing, as since today I know that my illness probably cannot be cured

 

[Dainhla]

8

 

[Praestat_Mori]

9

 

[Valky]

2, simply exhausted but I can't give up even if I wanted to.

 

[kionu09]

4 now but i would accept accidental death warmly

 

[noname223]

3. Suicidality is low. But tomorrow there is a certain event. This event could trigger the shit out of me. I don't want to describe it in details I am scared this could drive my anxiety even more through the roof. I am very nervous. I took a half benzo and before I go to sleep I take the other half. I am scared about it. I am also scared about addiction but the event has the potential to make me very paranoid which very very counterproductive because I have exams very soon. I have issues to fall asleep. The heat is horrible. Very scared but the medication can numb my feelings to a certain point.

 

[Jule_from_Germany]

8
I spent most of the weekend unconscious because I had so much pain in my head. I think I'll have to hurry. My health is getting weaker every day

 

[BlazingBob]

6 to 7 because I just took some Ativan. Helps take the edge off a little. This morning I was feeling really antsy and claustrophobic because of being trapped in my living situation. All I want is a little peace and not so much despair. Why is that so damn hard?

 

[Danique]

6-8 this weekend
With my ex BF reastablshing contact and finally getting the gender dysphoria diagnosis I have been waiting for for 30 years, I should be hopeful and looking forward to the future, ....... but I don't feel that way. I have been on DIY hormones for 27 months with good blood values and I still look completely masculine, my dysphoria is as bad as ever. An endocrinologist isn't going to make a differance. And as my dysphoria isn;t getting lesser, it will just chase my BF away again.

In most ways I have been regressing in the last year for no apparent reason. I have no T or DHT in my body, so it shouldn;t be possible for me to remasculinize, but still this is what's happening. Makes me feel like it's a higher power that's preventing my transition. It makes me feel cursed

There were only two things that improved in the last 1.5 years. With the help of many hair products I managed to have some progress with my hairline and the overall fullness of my hair. And after 18 sessions of laser i was finally getting some actual improvemnet, when it came to reducing my beard shadow. In the last few weeks I had worst hairloss I ever had and I'm now more bald than I have ever been. Also my beard shadow returned with lots of new hairs just popping up.

Now that vaginoplasty might be an actual possibilty in a few more years, I feel forced to try and keep myself goign till then, but at the same time...life is just so unbearably painful and I don;t see any hope that it will get less.

This weekend I have been trying to distract myself somewhat, but not really succesfull. I isolated myself again, because I;m ashamed how masculine I look, but i know hat tomorrow I have to go back to office again and it makes me very afraid. I have been trying out meditation and mindfulness, but it isn;t really working for me.

 

[wristcutangel]

around an 8, i can still function and occasionally get my mind off of it, but at the end of the day no matter what, i'd just rather not be around anymore.

 

[MusicGuy]

7/10, summer makes me want to CTB the most

 

[Bronzehawkattack]

8/10
Would be a 9/10 if my father wasn't around.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm feeling anxious about just wanting to end it already, I've been feeling this way for awhile and I'm tired of feeling like it. There used to be good days and good weekends, but I don't even get that anymore. Everyday is feeling depressing, constant reminders that I was born pre-disposed to not be normal everyday. Not a single day in the past couple of months where I haven't thought I'd be happy if I had the knowledge that when I go to sleep, I won't have to wake up.

The thought of my father learning of my death is the only thing that stops me from immediately dying right ASAP, if he goes, I go soon after. He's the one person in this world who loves me and I can't stand the thought of hurting him right now. I know at some point the pain will definitely be too much to where I won't even care about that anymore though which is why I want to get the method ready already so that when that time comes I don't have to do something stupidly drastic.

 

[suicidalloser]

10

 

[drownll]

If 0 = no suicidal thought and 10 = urge to off immediately, i'm around 7. My daily life sucks but i may have a way out in a few months, so the hope is still here.

 

[suicidalloser]

10

 

[chahan.trading]

10

 

[todiefor]

9

 

[CrestfallenMima]

8 maybe 9 soon

 

[Elliana Berriana]

Today, probably a six. Maybe even a five. Better than yesterday.

 

[dyinghopefully]

6-7, because sometimes i have feeling that i want to die, sometimes not.

 

[LivedTooLong]

9

 

[TheDyingSolarSystem]

I'm at a 2/10 right now, It comes up every so often, but I usually do things to distract me from it.

 

[ctb-soon]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

I'd say I am about a 7 with the wave of my urges taking me higher

 

[アホペンギン]

i'd say my suicidal feelings would be around a 5 right now, i mostly stayed away from people today so i dont feel horrible rn. Tomorrow, when i wake up they will jump to an 8-9 because that has been the case for months now.

 

[saddestbunny]

9 - paralyzing almost probably have to wait til I feel different for more ctb preparations / planning or anything else rly

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

10

 

[todiefor]

9.5

 

[Stargazing:<]

As of recent it's been a 10 but it fluctuates from like 6-9 normally

 

[noname223]

4. The suicidal ideation is not the worst thing. My anxiety is once again through the roof I have soon exams and I am just freaking out. I cannot stand that pressure anymore. I think I will increase the dosage of the addictive medication otherwise I might become psychotic again. I am extremely exhausted and not even 10 hours sleep can give me enough strength. I noticed my threads got less responses recently. I might do a break because I try to save energy for college. The anxiety is extremely tormenting. The pressure is torturous. And I am not sure how close I am to a breakdown. In the last semester I was surprised that even with 8 hours daily sleep I can become paranoid as fuck. Which was a frightening experience. I have extreme panic to study more and more though so far I could resist that impulse. I am scared to relapse. But at the same time I am scared about addiction. Though I think the prior one is more likely considering the circumstances. I am just following what my psychiatrist told me to do.

The weight on my shoulders feels very uncomfortable. If I fuck it up I have to kill myself soon. Though I think currently I have it under control. The second exam will be the way way worse and more dangerous situation. I am anxious as fuck to be honest. I would like to throw up but this would not help. I am scared I am way beyond my limit. But if I successfully pass the exams I will have long holidays where I reduce the tolerance to these addictive medication. Fuck my life!

 

[Shaylla1998]

9
I have no desire to live and hope to CTB soon™.