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Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)
Thread starternoname223
Start date
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I'd been coasting along at about a 1-2 for a few weeks; but now I'm sitting here with this heavy feeling in my chest and an uncomfortable energy in my stomach, and somehow I'm at an 8-9 now.
3 low suicidal thought. Though very paranoid analyzing and ruminating. It already is as severe that it decreases my productivity. And when it gets that bad the shit is pretty serious. I think about things healthy people spend 10 seconds 10 hours instead. I texted my friends with a very huge analysis about my paranoia. The analysis of my paranoia was not paranoid. But some other messages were. It is pretty difficult not to lose the grip to reality. I am not sure why it is currently that severe and I don't know what could help. I already tried a lot of shit. I tend to analyze many things way too often. Though some topics are more toxic than others. And the current topic is very damaging.
The stress in college is probably one reason. The only topic which lets my brain melt even more are love interests. Fuck my life I will die lonely.
Maybe 6. I'm not ctbing soon, but I'm really taking steps to plan ahead for it. I'm absolutely unable to see myself living a life where I don't kill myself
4. My main problem is I have strong manic symptoms. I took my emergency medication the last days and it did not work. Tomorrow I have to wake up early and this is pure poison for my mental stability. The college schedule makes me ill. I am desperate. I am very anxious. Though the benzo helps against that currently. I am scared of a relapse I gonna kill myself then. My psychiatrist argumented in favor of increasing the addictive medication. I am scared of becoming an addict. I am in an hellish position. My consciousness is a torture chamber and the pressure is crushing me. I think my life quality is abysmal. I won't survive another breakdown. It gonna be pretty difficult to kill myself due to the fact I live with my family.
I think the manic symptoms are way more dangerous than the psychotic ones. Fuck my life.
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