Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[hamtaro]

11. I needed to ctb five months ago. Hopefully soon

 

[On Replay]

Currently I'm at a 10. Maybe because of the recent stress ? Idk , if it's just the rise in my emotions in this moment I'm still at an 8

I don't want to go brutally , but if someone were to shoot me on the side of the road when I'm walking , or run me over (better be a deadly blow for both as I don't want to suffer with the consequences of surviving) I'd take it at this point . Sn seems to be about impossible at this point.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

9.

 

[Hurt]

Today I would say 6. Yeah. A fair 6

 

[Dragon's Heart]

Today is my mother's death anniversary, and I feel acute loneliness and depression. I wasn't doing too bad in previous months but now I sit at about 7-8. The neighborhood is strangely quiet tonight.

 

[akirat9]

always a 20 no matter how appear

 

[Suicidebydeath]

10.5 I wish I could hang out

 

[dead lightbulb]

My (still!) ongoing unresolved fear of ctb and lack of emotion to motivate my decision puts me at a solid 6 for now.

The rest of this reply is me rambling...

Also, I'm afraid of blood, gore, dead bodies and things of that nature. I can't even contemplate self harming unless you count hitting yourself out of frustration sometimes and cutting half your hair off impulsively lol. So for the foreseeable future i don't see myself succeeding in any ctb attempts.

I made my first "attempt" yesterday but fell upon two realizations after I failed:
1. I'm not yet at the mental state of loving death, right now I only hate life (ie. I'm a coward) and
2. Is sad but honest.. I only attempted as a cry for help. My sister did find me in the process of attempting, and she pretended to care until i yelled at her a few times (great method to quickly lose someone's sympathy).

Nowadays my thoughts lean towards attempting only when someone's around so my body can be discovered before it's too late, like yesterdays attempt. Then I wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by crying "loved" ones expressing their worry and relief that I was found in time.

But my idealistic thoughts stop there because the next step is getting put in an institution against my will.. and even after being discovered I'd be a pain-in-the ass to deal with. I don't want my decision to be a burden to anyone in any way.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

10.

 

[Interloper]

11.

 

[Hirokami]

6.

 

[Hollowillow]

My (still!) ongoing unresolved fear of ctb and lack of emotion to motivate my decision puts me at a solid 6 for now.

The rest of this reply is me rambling...

Also, I'm afraid of blood, gore, dead bodies and things of that nature. I can't even contemplate self harming unless you count hitting yourself out of frustration sometimes and cutting half your hair off impulsively lol. So for the foreseeable future i don't see myself succeeding in any ctb attempts.

I made my first "attempt" yesterday but fell upon two realizations after I failed:
1. I'm not yet at the mental state of loving death, right now I only hate life (ie. I'm a coward) and
2. Is sad but honest.. I only attempted as a cry for help. My sister did find me in the process of attempting, and she pretended to care until i yelled at her a few times (great method to quickly lose someone's sympathy).

Nowadays my thoughts lean towards attempting only when someone's around so my body can be discovered before it's too late, like yesterdays attempt. Then I wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by crying "loved" ones expressing their worry and relief that I was found in time.

But my idealistic thoughts stop there because the next step is getting put in an institution against my will.. and even after being discovered I'd be a pain-in-the ass to deal with. I don't want my decision to be a burden to anyone in any way.

It's really horrifying that we need to die for people to bother showing that they care that we are alive. I think nobody will care if I will die after the cruelty I get for asking for help. Yesterday reach on you and now I'm ready tempted to stop waiting for SN and just hang myself on the door.

13... I'm scared to die and I wish to do so many things but I can't bear to be tortured anymore

 

[September5th]

9. Can't take anxiety much longer. It will kill me and the people who did thid to me will sorrow, despite me not wanting that.

 

[Hope:-)]

Attempting an attempt(lol)shortly. Fingers crossed. Actually trying not to think about it too much but it's hard not to so still about a 10. x

 

[thedaywillcome]

9, I want to go

 

[Minibosterita]

It was going okay and then it hit me. Now it's a 7 pushing 8

 

[outrider567]

Today, its 9.9---We'd normally be at the big rental house in Banner Elk North Carolina near the mountaintop to see the Fall Colors right now and the hills, just like this time last year and years before that---She appreciated life so much, and for me to see, and witness, her own life being cut short is still tormenting, just too much to take....not to mention the other holidays coming up...

 

[whatevs]

1. I might even leave the forum in some time.

 

[suffocatingseraphim]

About a 6 today. Have to go into work soon mindlessly, having some issues at home & haven't eaten in a few days. Feel closer to desiring SH than CTB itself, so I may go that route tonight depending on how my shift goes.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

8.

 

[On Replay]

9. Waking up is disappointing. All I'm waiting for is to find a method I can commit to. Haven't found any high enough buildings I could jump off of yet in my area

 

[S like Siren]

10 i feel so bad

 

[actual_fox]

1. I might even leave the forum in some time.

I would but I don't want to make 3rd account If shit gets bad

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Feeling absolutely awful. No one deserve this. Id say im a 9.88/10.00. So things are quite bad for me atm.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

10 - I want peace

 

[AlighieriTTT]

8, it's in my head all the time I just want to be gone

 

[Sick of it all]

Right now it's a 7

 

[LittleJem]

8 - agitated. Want this over it keeps getting worse

 

[SamTam33]

Maxed out at 10 today and most days.

While I wouldn't wish my condition on my worst enemy, I do wish I had some kind of super power where I could touch people and they feel exactly what I feel for a little while.

I think the whole world needs to feel what we feel at least once.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

6