chronicrexie
Member
- May 19, 2022
- 20
Very anxious about college.
Very anxious about my health and the health of my mom
Very anxious about the future
More depressed than usually.
Suicidality like a 6. I am feeling very hopeless and desperate.
Very anxious about my health and the health of my mom
Very anxious about the future
More depressed than usually.
Suicidality like a 6. I am feeling very hopeless and desperate.
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S like suicide
Enlightened
- Apr 29, 2021
- 1,435
I'm 1000% sure and ready to die
hoping deeply to end all this shit soon
hoping deeply to end all this shit soon
CaliCatCharlie
Nature's Mockery
- May 28, 2021
- 68
About at a 8 right now. Hopefully the next time around I can actually go through with it.
shulx
Wayward spore
- Oct 7, 2022
- 2
I'm so tired lately, so a 2 I'd say. I just feel indifferent towards everything.
Made4TV
A hopeless hope junkie
- Sep 17, 2018
- 574
AnxietyHangover
Global Moderator
- Aug 20, 2022
- 243
10 right now, I would jump through this fucking window but it's only 2 floors high, I would end up a vegetable or with terribly broken bones.
ImsooDone1N
Arcanist
- Nov 22, 2018
- 846
9.95/10.00 - No change really- things are still AWFUL. Im really ready to go, and I want to.
Dead Ghost
Mestre del Temps
- May 6, 2022
- 1,342
S like suicide
Enlightened
- Apr 29, 2021
- 1,435
ImsooDone1N
Arcanist
- Nov 22, 2018
- 846
9.98/10.00 - Things as Always, get worse. Its also only the morning.
Per Ardua Ad Astra
Malpractice: NeuroDystrophy-Paralysis-Meds-Injured
- Sep 27, 2022
- 3,640
LivedTooLong
Avoidant
- Apr 26, 2018
- 156
ImsooDone1N
Arcanist
- Nov 22, 2018
- 846
9.5-9.7/10.00 - I'm really unhappy and wish that I wouldn't wake up (if I could fall asleep)
niiina
🌸
- Aug 20, 2022
- 232
Ineedtodie
Shame, Avoidance, hopelessness, lonliness, cbt, pm
- Nov 9, 2022
- 403
10. Feeling and living all the horrible consequences of my unfortunate life at the same time this past month, especially today. I don't think life could get more unbearable and cruel to me than this. My method is partial hanging. Prepared the noose and all. How am not doing is pathetic.
thedaywillcome
I will leave soon
- Apr 2, 2022
- 358
WaveringLight
pReTtY cOlOrS
- Nov 7, 2022
- 85
3 today. In fact my short term memory and attention is so bad that I may sometimes forget I'm even CTBing some days. Yes I am going to CTB in a month or so, but I am embracing what life I have before I do it. Having suicidal thoughts for me rn is like saying "The sky is blue". I have no need to perseverate on it currently since I have everything I need and will be leaving soon. I don't want to ruin my last moments with those thoughts. Occasionally though, there may be some days where I pull out my container of SN (check if it looks good, just in case), and have an omnious, grim feeling rush over me. But then I feel relieved and at ease right after knowing I have the ticket to CTB.
5- I was at a ten when I joined this site yesterday but have found solace in being able to relate to others. Also super hyperfocused communicating with others on this site has kept me distracted…
S like suicide
Enlightened
- Apr 29, 2021
- 1,435
heavyeyes
✿
- Oct 9, 2022
- 1,728
5 or 6 on a good day, 7 or 8 on a bad day
Per Ardua Ad Astra
Malpractice: NeuroDystrophy-Paralysis-Meds-Injured
- Sep 27, 2022
- 3,640
SadScarlet
Member
- Nov 7, 2022
- 15
nopride86
Student
- Mar 16, 2022
- 135
8 yet again.
PMDD aside, today feels different than the past year or so.
Usually I WANT to die, I'd like to, and I look forward to the day.
Today it feels like I HAVE to, even though I don't want to leave without one last shot at internal peace. I feel like I'm living under duress and death is my only way to freedom.
What would make me feel free, in the short-term at least, would be getting away from my abusers. Then I could probably suffer another couple of decades and deteriorate in peace. But because they are family, and they've never physically abused me, the guilt of cutting contact would eat me alive, and I'd probably get baker acted in the process.
Choosing death is the only conclusion in which I and the people I love do not suffer more, mentally and emotionally. I wish I could just lobotomize myself so my mom could use me as her doll/pet (which is always her end game) and I wouldn't be aware of any of it to care. My fiancé would be freed of the bullshit that both her and I bring into his life. It would be a win-win for everyone.
I cry almost every day, but today was the first time I cried of grief over myself. I think it was like a breakthrough, in a way, because last night was the first time I cried in grief over my grandpa (passed over a decade ago) while speaking out to him in the shower. I've never felt grief before.
PMDD aside, today feels different than the past year or so.
Usually I WANT to die, I'd like to, and I look forward to the day.
Today it feels like I HAVE to, even though I don't want to leave without one last shot at internal peace. I feel like I'm living under duress and death is my only way to freedom.
What would make me feel free, in the short-term at least, would be getting away from my abusers. Then I could probably suffer another couple of decades and deteriorate in peace. But because they are family, and they've never physically abused me, the guilt of cutting contact would eat me alive, and I'd probably get baker acted in the process.
Choosing death is the only conclusion in which I and the people I love do not suffer more, mentally and emotionally. I wish I could just lobotomize myself so my mom could use me as her doll/pet (which is always her end game) and I wouldn't be aware of any of it to care. My fiancé would be freed of the bullshit that both her and I bring into his life. It would be a win-win for everyone.
I cry almost every day, but today was the first time I cried of grief over myself. I think it was like a breakthrough, in a way, because last night was the first time I cried in grief over my grandpa (passed over a decade ago) while speaking out to him in the shower. I've never felt grief before.
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LivedTooLong
Avoidant
- Apr 26, 2018
- 156
BipolarExpress
he/him · tired/exhausted
- Nov 11, 2022
- 259
4,5
the positive was I successfully studided a lot today. Though I developed manic symptoms. So I took a benzo. The benzo helpd.
Also had a talk with my mom. Honestly she does not look healthy. When she gets a new stroke and becomes a nursing case or dies I want to ctb soon afterwards. But I try not to think about that all the time. Otherwise I could not be productive anymore.
received some help in college. Though the other person is shady. I don't trust the person. I am a little bit paranoid which stresses me
My sleep is still stable which is positive. But I have the feeling soon something extremely bad could happen which forces me to ctb. There are several options what could force me to do it.
But I try to relax now. I don't want a self-fulfiling prophecy.
the positive was I successfully studided a lot today. Though I developed manic symptoms. So I took a benzo. The benzo helpd.
Also had a talk with my mom. Honestly she does not look healthy. When she gets a new stroke and becomes a nursing case or dies I want to ctb soon afterwards. But I try not to think about that all the time. Otherwise I could not be productive anymore.
received some help in college. Though the other person is shady. I don't trust the person. I am a little bit paranoid which stresses me
My sleep is still stable which is positive. But I have the feeling soon something extremely bad could happen which forces me to ctb. There are several options what could force me to do it.
But I try to relax now. I don't want a self-fulfiling prophecy.
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