5.
My suicidality is not the main issues currently but I feel horrible. No thread today. The withdrawal symptoms of the addictive medication persist. 7 weeks weeks after my last one. Barely progress it rather got way worse the last days. Very depressed, very anxious, paranoid, ruminating about college, shame about weird behavior. I am prisoned in a labyrinth and I cannot find a way out. The last semesters I experienced a severe mental decline. Soon college starts again. I have the feeling either I end up as an addict or I get a mental breakdown and have to kill myself the next semester.
I cannot get out of this mess myself. I don't know what to do. I am so desperate that I explained it to my parents. So I am very desperate and in pain. I consider to go a mental hospital or my attempt to start another psychotherapy. I think the latter one would be the smartest choice but I think my health insurance won't pay for it. I already had 3. I will talk about it with my psychiatrist. I think my dad has given up on me partly after I fully revealed everything to him. Which is understandable but still hurts. Two of my therapists already did. But I still have this forum and my friends.
Phoned with my best friend 2 hours which was a good distraction. Phoned with my dad one hour which somewhat helped.
I am tormented. I won't open up to my mom due to her health.
I am pretty broken. I have holidays but there is no happy and no real relief. I am lost for words. I don't know any escape. I don't know what to do. I have soon an appointment with my current psychiatrist. I am not 100% certain if the withdrawal are really the culprit. Or if I am just broken and college is too much for me.
I am running away but that won't last forever. I am not sure how long I can play this game. Currently I have the feelijg next semester I go another time hard on addictive medication and then take a semester out because of illness but I have to think about it. I mean it could take a long time to recover of that. But it would be wiser to take now the break. I feel ashamed because I am so old already. but let's be real there is no big benefit if I become an addict.
Fuck my life!
I'm so sorry about your dad giving up on you. I told my parents about my feelings, or tried to, and they wouldn't listen or take me seriously at all, so I understand how hard it is. I spoke to them again yesterday, having attempted to bring things up various times, and they treated me as a joke. It's good you have a supportive friend (I let all my friends drift away which is not good as then you have nobody to talk to).
I also know what you mean about holidays or moments that are "supposed" to be happy. I usually feel an emptiness and imposter syndrome, like I'm disconnected from what is actually happening, and have to make efforts to look/react happy, even though I don't feel it. This is very mentally exhausting.
However, being old at college isn't probably as much of a big deal to the younger students as you might feel it is.
I suggest you speak to your psychiatrist, as you said, and also try to explore what the insurance will or won't cover, maybe with their help/referral?
You seem more depressed by medication and circumstances than "mental illness", so there is probably a good chance to get yourself on track if you can access support. Not like those of us who are on the brink of giving up.
I wish you all the very best, whatever happens. We are here for you.
