Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[nopride86]

Here I am again at an 8.5 today. (To me, 9 is finally having SN in my possession and 10 is taking it. The only reason I can't say 9 today is because I'm out of sources).

I joined this forum when I was 28, and now I'm going to be 30 in a few weeks. I've shared my thoughts about 30 in the past, hoping that I'd be gone before then. But here I am. I can't do anything properly. I've been engaged for 2 years, still haven't gotten married despite my fiancé practically begging. I always say "soon". I don't want to make him a widower so I've been putting it off, under the assumption that I'd be dead "soon". I was supposed to go NC with my screwed up family 2 years ago, it's always planning and "soon". Now I'm doing really poorly at my job, the one thing I've ever taken pride in. I'm told that I'll get it together "soon".

Soon, soon, soon, someday. I'm tired of being here. People die every day, young people, people who want to live….so why not me? It's not a matter of SI right now, but caution. I don't have a period alone for longer than about 10mins a day, how could I get it done safely, peacefully, and in a way that doesn't traumatize others? How do I compile the products I need when I don't know people, online markets, or gullible doctors? It's not possible in my lifestyle. I had a chance to buy SN from the jungle site over a year ago, put it off by saying "soon".
I've developed mild sleep apnea these days, maybe I'll choke in my sleep. Or maybe if I keep putting off going to the doctor and dentist (it's been about 4 years already) something unnoticed will get me. Why can't "soon" just be "today"?

 

[JD_looking_for_avi]

Today... 8! Probably will increase as soon as my SN arrives

 

[stermc]

10 today.

 

[wait-bus-stop]

8 and growing

 

[trist]

9. i actually think i would be dead if i had SN right now

 

[Spaintbrain]

8-9

 

[huntergirl14]

Hmm, i think my daily thoughts used to be like a 2 or 3 a year ago but now they are a 7. I'm seriously considering it and even making whole plans how will do it etc. Its just that I have more reasons to k*ll myself than staying alive.

 

[AVeryLazySloth]

I give it a solid 6 right now.

 

[JudasIscariot]

Chronically at the high end of the spectrum. At 7 now.

 

[itsallpointless]

7. Hesitant but also feeling like it's the only way out of my misery

 

[theocean]

I don't know how I would rate it exactly. In a sense, I'm at a 10. I am completely committed to doing so as soon as I have everything I need. But I haven't set things up yet, or even started that process. Until then, the individual days don't really seem to matter on a scale of 1 - 10, since I've already made my decision. Some days are good, some are bad. I'm glad to be alive today, because today I've met some really good people here.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Its pretty close to a 8 which is disappointing since I am actually on a trip and should be enjoying myself completely,

 

[LocalAngel]

8.

 

[Sparx]

It varies throughout the day. Currently about 5-6, I don't really want to do it but I'm suffering emotional pain. However when I woke up today I had a strong urge to be gone & felt like 8-9.

 

[nettyslip]

9, it's all i can think about and i want to so badly but i'm still just nervous

 

[noname223]

low suicidality but slept horribly 2. Met a friend and I always think maybe it is the last time I see them in somewhat good mood. I try to enjoy the time and give my friends back what I owe them. Full and honest support. I feel sad for the people that will be affected by my suicide but I know I cannot run away forever. I am very scared about the future.
Very exhausted due to the stress today.

 

[sick.faery]

5

 

[MoonlitNight]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

About a 6

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

10

 

[jerry545]

probably a 7. I keep thinking of hanging myself in my room or jumping in front of a train. The problem is that I'm hesitant with everything. It takes me ages to make decisions, which is why I'm still alive. My indecisiveness is what is keeping me from being a 9 or a 10.

 

[Covalite]

I'm at a 9. I'm just done with my repative loop of a life. Nothing ever goes my way and when something does go right 3 things go terribly wrong. But im a coward so i came here for support in any way.

 

[{ixo//}]

4. I'm too tired to feel more suicidal than this.

 

[ireallylikemangoes]

4-5, I had less suicidal thoughts than usual, maybe it is because I am shedding my personality and becoming more authentic.

 

[disabledlife]

10 (permanent) I hope CTB peacefully (despite my angers and "dreams").

 

[nureinFuchs]

It's normal to me being around 5 to 6, but depends a lot of what is currently happening in my day to day life.

 

[noname223]

5. Feeling pretty fucked up. I am trapped in all of this. I hate what is ahead of me. And the worst is yet come. I could cry and throw up at the same time. I am so scared of a relapse. I feel like a loser but rationally I know it is the fault of my abusers. The fragility of my mom makes it even harder to commit suicide because I am scared it could damage her health. Everything seems to get worse. And my family consists of foolish idiots who don't see it coming despite my warnings. We have so severe issues and it will become pretty dramatic in the future. I don't see a way out of it. It will be pretty painful for sure.

 

[nosoul]

7/8

 

[MarleySeraphim]

its a 8 for me. i really wanna off myself by a train method but i need to build myself up ready to do it which is a problem

 

[Lxions]

9.5

 

[sana703]

3 during daytime but now a solid 7