Random thoughts

[LiveSlowDieFast]

I'm gonna drop out of college which means I'll have to find a job and that seems like a totally insurmountable task. I can barely get myself to cook myself something...

 

[Jane Doe]

How the fuck did my life end up like this

 

[davidlynchfan666]

People reach out to me and I'm too embarrassed to admit how miserable I am, so I always just pretend to be happy.

 

[Xerxes]

I realize even on my happiest day, I'm always thinking of suicide. Maybe it's not an illness anymore, maybe I am wired this way.

 

[whywait]

I'm about to head to my shift at work and all I want to do is hide under the covers (and die). But my SN isn't here yet. So here we go. Afterward I'm going home, getting high, and watching scary movies til I pass out.

And do it all over again.

 

[52shriek]

So many people here can express themselves despite being depressed... I'm glad for that, but me...it's like nothing is in my brain anymore, air is flowing around there and I can't even reach out to people, no mental energy... writing thoughts takes a lot of energy. But I'm happy for people who are able to socialize here! This site is wonderful.

I feel exactly the same... I always thought I'd leave an articulate suicide note that would make everybody understand me perfectly, well, to hell with that, I can barely write a shopping list now.

 

[GreenLantern]

I finally received my anti emetics after over a month! For almost 2 weeks, it was driving me nuts. I almost just decided to get the gun because I didn't think they would arrive. I finally have all the items I need to ctb. Now I just need to do some things and set a date. I'm almost ready to end this nightmare of a life!

 

[LiveSlowDieFast]

I was upset and decided to cut again for the first time in weeks, but I didn't watch what I was doing and cut deeper than I intended. I'm dumb as shit. I never cut this deep before.

Still feeling better though tbh

 

[52shriek]

Random thought of the day: some people swear on the Bible but they should have us SS users swear on the PPeH.

 

[Eren]

They just told me that they will not hire me in the company where I have finished the internship :(

 

[Xerxes]

I'm not starved for attention, I don't want the spot light and I don't need your pity. I wont tell you when I'll CTB or how I'm gonna do it. I just don't want you to worry at all.

 

[davidlynchfan666]

The person who I was looking to rent a new place from just told me that I can't move in so i guess I have to go through the embarrassment of sleeping on a friends couch till its finically possible for me to move back to my shitty hometown and live with my dad. I really thought things couldn't get any worse but here we are.

 

[Midnight]

They just told me that they will not hire me in the company where I have finished the internship :(

Sorry to hear that :/

 

[samsays89]

The person who I was looking to rent a new place from just told me that I can't move in so i guess I have to go through the embarrassment of sleeping on a friends couch till its finically possible for me to move back to my shitty hometown and live with my dad. I really thought things couldn't get any worse but here we are.

Maybe there are other places to look? I know there are tons of shit cities where it's almost impossible to make a living, but maybe nearby?

 

[Deafsn0w]

Nobody should blame me for walking out of a shitty movie.

Movie=Life

 

[Misanthrope]

It is going to be hard to enjoy Consumermass when feeling nausea all the time.

 

[azucaramargo]

I found this so sad, Xerxes. I also hope for love and hope to be treated with love.

I'm tired of hoping for love or be treated with love. It's better for me if she treated me with hate, especially on days where she's annoyed or mad at me which is often. Hate me always, don't love me.

 

[azucaramargo]

Sending you love, Xerxes

I'm tired of hoping for love or be treated with love. It's better for me if she treated me with hate, especially on days where she's annoyed or mad at me which is often. Hate me always, don't love me.

 

[azucaramargo]

That's really tough if another family member's experiencing health problems. Takes the attention off you. I'm sorry if that's a callous thing to say, or if I'm missing the point.

I've always wondered if I should seek help for things, but awhile ago my parents got a call from the hospital about my sister's health condition (she didn't answer their call) so my parents got notified of her condition. I thought doctor-patient confidentiality was perfectly secure ... but I lost faith in that.

And the worst part is that there's a massive influx of people coming to give their ~cares~ ... gee, I wonder how they found out? It's disgusting that my parents would spread this, and not only that they blamed it on something so stupid.

 

[azucaramargo]

Where is your husband?

I miss my husband

 

[azucaramargo]

That really sucks, Eren. On the bright side, other companies will be impressed with your experience with their competitors. Please don't be sad.

They just told me that they will not hire me in the company where I have finished the internship :(

 

[azucaramargo]

Just out of curiosity, DavidLynchfan66, why do you feel embarrassed?

 

[Lra888]

After today more than ever I feel that therapy is a waste of money. Mentally ill people struggle financially by default and I'm not getting any breakthroughs or anything. Just another routine.

 

[EndofMyRope]

How do people lay down, close their eyes and fall asleep so freaking easily???? It takes me hours, HOURS to fall asleep, if it happens at all. I'm supposed to be on something like 5 different meds to help me sleep at night (clonidine, nuerontin, Klonipin, requip and ambien), but money is really tight (as in nonexistent), so no money for meds or the pill mill, oops, I meant the Dr.

 

[Jodes]

I've got everything I need and am considering leaving this website.

To be on your own?

 

[samsays89]

How do people lay down, close their eyes and fall asleep so freaking easily???? It takes me hours, HOURS to fall asleep, if it happens at all. I'm supposed to be on something like 5 different meds to help me sleep at night (clonidine, nuerontin, Klonipin, requip and ambien), but money is really tight (as in nonexistent), so no money for meds or the pill mill, oops, I meant the Dr.

There's a shit ton of meds. Either your doctor is horrible or he is trying too hard. Any decent benzo should get you to sleep, and the non-habit forcing ones are good temazepam/resperidol, etc. Have you tried those?

 

[Jodes]

I want to jump out of the window to ctb but I live on the first floor.

Omg no dont try that

 

[EndofMyRope]

There's a shit ton of meds. Either your doctor is horrible or he is trying too hard. Any decent benzo should get you to sleep, and the non-habit forcing ones are good temazepam/resperidol, etc. Have you tried those?

I don't think so... I feel like I've been on every med out there and have had some funky side effects. I've also been on amitryptoline, remeron, seroquel, haldol, abilify, trintellix, lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, etc... the list goes on and on. My depression is considered medication-resistant at this point and I quickly build a tolerance to other meds. I voluntarily checked myself inpatient so that I could get ECT, but that got F'd up because I was already taking Keppra (an anti-convulsant) for a "non-specified seizure disorder". Turns out that seizure and the following seizures were probably medication induced and I've since stopped taking the Keppra. Want to know what a MAJOR side effect of Keppra is??? DEPRESSION. Lol yup, someone really dropped the ball on that one. Lol

 

[samsays89]

I don't think so... I feel like I've been on every med out there and have had some funky side effects. I've also been on amitryptoline, remeron, seroquel, haldol, abilify, trintellix, lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, etc... the list goes on and on. My depression is considered medication-resistant at this point and I quickly build a tolerance to other meds. I voluntarily checked myself inpatient so that I could get ECT, but that got F'd up because I was already taking Keppra (an anti-convulsant) for a "non-specified seizure disorder". Turns out that seizure and the following seizures were probably medication induced and I've since stopped taking the Keppra. Want to know what a MAJOR side effect of Keppra is??? DEPRESSION. Lol yup, someone really dropped the ball on that one. Lol

Oh man. Sounds terrible. Safe hugs. When I said respidone I meant respiridol. Prolly wont make a difference, not in many places, but wish you a speedy escape and best wishes aftereard.

 

[Trashcan]

Just ordered the antiemetics. Next step is to get elastics for the bag and put it together. It's nice knowing I'll soon have all the supplies I will need.