Random thoughts

[http-410]

I am numb and yet I feel as if my insides are being crushed by a hydraulic press in slow motion.

Currently, the fatigue is too intense to writhe in pain, but inside I keep dying, over and over again.

My mind is dissolving.

How long am I supposed to occupy myself with pointless activities?

Everything is too much and yet too little.

They tell me to do this and that, but they don't know that there will be no future for me. Everything passes me by, I'm stuck. Sometimes I would like to tell them to stop because there is no point anymore, but that would only raise more questions.

 

[iamthewalrus]

almost killed myself after something happened yesterday. i had everything ready, i am determined to die. but i changed my mind just before i was about to go. she's right on time.

 

[enau]

i have pity for me and all my efforts, all that wasted energy trying to.. especially make friends at some point.tried "people" "human"..
i didn't feel connection with humans easily, because of autism + trauma.I wanted to try to really understand people and conect with them but.. it was so sad in the end.These people hardly knew my existence(and in a way, i loved them).and now i see how poor and insignificant it was as "live experience", it wasnt worth it.. and how no one cared about me in all that, i broken myself for nothing.I hate this whole life, this cage.I don't know how to find kindness in myself, because I am disgusted or broken more exactly, in humanity, and since i am human too, I have no sympathy for myself

 

[AtMostOkay]

---

 

[aviation]

On the phrase 'planning to harm yourself' being used by people in reference to suicide:
Staying here would be harm. Going home would be the opposite. So, if I were to take this literally, instead of translating it: I have been harming myself for a long time, and I am planning on stopping.

 

[auror.]

I need to accept that others around me aren't nearly as bothered about certain things as I am. I can't pretend to not be, so I'll just avoid them as much as I can. If they're happy despite it all, the least I can do is not infect them too.

 

[Manaaja]

I have had both christians and atheists try to hire me in their groups recently. I'll believe in what I want. Truth is a shy being. It doesn't appear to those in groups.

I think it would be healthiest for me to take a break from here. I live in an awful place currently. And I escape that shitty rotten house here and the shitty smell and the shitty water and the shitty toilet. Healthiest as in I really should clean up even this place is so full of shitty old rotteness that there's not much I can do.

 

[Fehler]

If I can't do it now, I can't do it tomorrow...don't lie to yourself again.

 

[Seaghost]

08:11am in Germany.
Lied in my bed around 24hours. It was necessary. Had a lot of thinking about myself, the future and a girl.
Will have breakfast and a shower. Later some shopping cause of an empty refrigirator.
Sounds nice hm? The dark things in my head saying I don't deserve this. It leads to nothing.
Well let's try it.

 

[http-410]

What a nightmare.

It's exhausting when you can't escape your misery even in your sleep.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I wish I could break someone's legs right now.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Welp people figured out a way to piss me off than I already was. Reached new heights just now.

 

[Meditation guide]

It will be good to know it's my last night. It will be like being a child waiting for Santa Claus. Excitement and anticipation. I just hope I'm wrong, that my feeling that this is yet another life in an endless cycle of rebirth is wrong. That all those strong feelings I had as a young child, wondering how I got there in that body with those parents, waking up suddenly after a long deep sleep into this life, was all wrong.

There must be a reason for all this. I know I didn't want this life. It was thrust on me. I've tried to make the best of it. Looking for answers, sometimes finding a few. I hope I get to sleep forever this time.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I wanna stab the fuck out of my throat now. Or suffocate myself. Drown myself. Stab my brain. My eyes won't close and I'm stuck awake and falling into my addictive path. On top of that people questioned me today about my personal life which is no one's business.

Great and now Im itchy too.

 

[demuic]

I hate people. I especially hate people who are ALWAYS joking about shit and trying to be humurous when the situation doesn't even call for it and don't know how to be serious. It's especially annoying with internet culture, filled with people endlessly repeating and reproducing tired memes like sheep spreading a virus because just saying the same thing 5000 times makes it funny somehow. It's puerile. This is why I've never liked children or teenagers even when I was one. Everyone wants to be the fucking class clown.

What I ESPECIALLY hate is people who take someone who is clearly struggling, someone who didn't even do anything wrong and decide to turn them into the punchline for a joke. Just tasteless.

I hate how so many people are just completely heartless narccissts. That seems to be the default state for most people. No sense of perspective. Just the whole world reolves around you. And everyone else is just a casualty. Fucking pat yourself on the back for doing nothing. No wonder the world is the way it is.

 

[http-410]

The train driver saw me. Well, not only did he see me, but he turned his head to me and looked me straight in the eye.

For a moment I felt my heart racing.

That was weird.

Sometime after that, I had to laugh because the whole situation is so hopeless and I've gone insane doing things like this. I have no idea why I'm doing this, I don't know why I can't make it closer like I did once before. I don't know anything, I have no idea who I am.

 

[Fehler]

Postponing it since last Friday, each day with its respective minimum fast of 12h, with one meal a day...for nothing. "Let's see tomorrow" / "maybe something will change" always appear when it is supposed to take the SN in hours.
Without friends it is difficult...but I have gone out every day...(skating, walking, mountain, gym, beach...) I always did something to see if I could find a group to fit in or someone, but nothing...loneliness is killing me.
Sociable, instinctive, fucking mammals. I love it, but at the same time I hate biology.

The thought that I have been independent for 1 year and without changes only depresses me more, it is not that there is income and I have been spending my savings on "living". Years ago I set a limit...when I dropped X amount of money in the bank I would leave so I could leave it to my mother. I have 70% of that limit spent

I have everything prepared since 1 week ago, I just had to leave the key to the apartment in the common area and throw out the garbage because the fast was already there, but nothing. A while ago I went out for another of my night walks; I took out the trash and took the copy of the key with me in case I decided to leave it in a common area of the building. I am well aware that if I take the parecetamol and prepare the dose I will drink it, and for that reason I am postponing it; likewise, I am also aware that leaving the copy of the key off the floor would mean doing it, but I still have it with me…

The only good thing I've gotten these days is eating after fasting.

 

[Seaghost]

Layed in the bathtub. Filled with a good amount of water, dead sea salt and some bath additive.
Now I'm stressed and somehow angry.

What a nice day...need continue watching Trainspotting 2. Got some thoughts about our Trip to scotland with my Ex....I'm burning when those memories are running through my head.
When the tram drives into Edinburgh in the Intro Sequence of T2...back then...it was exactly our route....
It hurts even with the pills from the doctor :(.

 

[hʚll]

i am so angry that any reasons one can give for their suicide will just get dismissed as the rumblings of a mentally ill person who was brainwashed and manipulated to kill themselves , that didn't have the ability to choose for theirself.
i hate that they judge one's suffering, thinking that everything can be fixed with their empty words. they think they know better than us how we are feeling, they know better than us our pain.
i hate that they can't accept that one would want to ctb simply because they hate existence/existing. because they hate breathing, waking up in the morning. they will always think that that person could have been helped or that their idea could have been changed with some therapy or drugs. the narrative after a suicide is always the same. it makes me so angry and sad. i know i shouldn't care if i will be dead anyway. but is painful to have your reasons/suffering thrown away, to have your suicide used to fabricate the same story over and over
i think any reason to want to die is valid. you don't even need a reason to want to die , we never were given a reason to exist, why should we need/give a reason to exit
i think the only help needed was validation, acceptance that life isn't everyone. the only help we need is to be given freedom. but all we are given is abuse. even when we are dead.
(sorry for talking like am talking for you all, i don't know anyone. i don't know your reasons, i just hope freedom for everyone)
i thank this site for the information they gave me. the only help i was given was here. thank you all.

PEACE AND FREEDOM.

 

[deflationary]

I hate the smug "objectivity" of the language around mental health/illness. Stop pretending this shit is anything more than carelessly cobbled-together social constructs.

 

[Seaghost]

Had an "Absinth-Party" with the guys im living with yesterday.
Too bad that Antidepressiva and Alc isn't the best combination....
The feeling yesterday was great....today I'm just half of a human. My stomach isnt the problem, it's my body.
My muscles feeling like they're dissolving and some...ah right now I don't have the power to translate the all into english. Forgive me.
Im not here but I'm not there too.
I'm between the worlds.

Tried to look Nurse Jackie on the side...I would be so glad to to something that'll make other humans happy but I can't :(.
I'm in jail. A jail called earth. And humans can be so cruel.

I wanna cry as loud as I can. I'm trapped.
And....yes I repeat me....the gods won't hear me.
I'm wishing my help form up above but no answer on the telephone.

I am so useless.
Forgive me.

 

[Lauralyn]

Really glad im not dealing with the psychosis I had. Can't tell the difference between someone wanting to hurt me and wanting to hurt them. Feels like some kind of demonic possession or hypnosis. I feel like I'm in charge of my own mind finally so that's good. I hope my relationship with my mom stays good too.

 

[deflationary]

Everyone should have veto rights against the existence of the whole universe. I wanna shut it all down. There's gotta be an off button for this thing somewhere.

 

[Lauralyn]

I wish people had some opinion on what the hell I'm supposed to do when I can't do anything. I really need a reason to live and I hate focusing on myself. I'd rather be doing something for other people and I'm not even good at that.

 

[littlelungs]

How the fuck am I so emotional, yet so empty at the same time?

I swear to god, I need to be euthanized.

 

[Lauralyn]

Sensitive people getting involved in my business. Careless, good idea

 

[http-410]

This place is depressing sometimes.

These thoughts may be self-centered and probably I repeat myself, but it depresses me to see people recover because it makes me realize that I will never make it back because I am too messed up for that by now.

Seeing people depart from life is basically depressing and tragic, but somehow I feel left behind, torn, don't know where to go. They have "made it", although I can't be sure if that's what they really wanted if there had been an (albeit unrealistic) alternative.

Yes, they are rid of their pain, but at what price? Wouldn't it have been better if they had not gotten into the situation that caused them to kill themselves in the first place? Many have tried to stand up and have fallen flat on their faces again and again. But what would have happened if they had been born into an ideal world?

What nonsense am I writing, of course not everyone can live a halfway normal life without health limitations and what I see here on this forum is part of the sad reality.

I can relate to them more than those who have made it back to life, but nevertheless I am still caught in this limbo, neither moving forward nor back.

It's gradually pulling me down, but I don't know how deep I have to sink until I have to let go.

I don't want to live or die, despite my DPDR I am hugely afraid of the dying process. I wish it wasn't all so hard. I wish someone or something could tell me how to proceed. It makes me absolutely hopeless when even "professionals" don't know what to do when everything that helps "normal mentally ill people" doesn't work for me.

Either they make it, or they don't. Or they live a life in between.

I don't want any of this.

 

[littlelungs]

Waiting for my MIL to complain at me for things beyond my control and passive aggressively tell me how much of an inconvenience my husband and I are in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Edit: Yep, business as usual. The gaslighting was a nice little bonus.

 

[Seaghost]

I'm alive but I don't feel like it.
Try to climb a ladder and it's always gettin higher and higher. Sometimes I know I deserve this but I don't want that anymore.
My heart is cramped but it's beats further.
Can it just stop with it?

And which pill now? Which will do it? What is now the correct chemical thing to be alive? To stay alive? Drain Cleaner?
To survive is not to be alive

Talked to sky, to the universe....anything that could be there in the space above us. Nothing...not even an answering machine.
Just nothing. I have enough of nothing.

 

[Lauralyn]

Besides the stuff I saw that made me uncomfortable too its just like me to do something that everyone disapproves of. I'm an idiot.