motel rooms
Survivor of incest. Gay. Please don't PM me.
- Apr 13, 2021
- 7,084
http-410
nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
That's exactly what I've been thinking, especially lately.
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 634
I had a dream that, in a way, was pretty similar to one that I had when I was about 8 or so, and I don't really know what to make of it. As far as I can remember, I've only had this specific element in a dream twice.
In the dream I had earlier, at one point I was looking at myself in a mirror, and then pulled my shirt up to expose my abdomen. On the left side of my stomach were fairly large brown patches (I naturally have very light skin). The patches just looked and felt like they were part of my body. I then turned around and looked over my shoulder to see if the patches extended onto my back, but the skin on my back just looked the way it always has. A little later on in the dream, I looked in the mirror again to have another look these patches, but they were gone.
In the dream I had when I was 8, at one point I noticed that my skin was both brown and its naturally light colour, but instead of there just being brown patches on my stomach, my whole body was marbled with these two colours. I wasn't looking in a mirror, but instead looking at myself from the outside, like I wasn't actually me. That's the only thing I (all these years later) remember about the dream before I woke up.
Aside from the PTSD nightmares and the occasional, pretty common dream that I'm being chased by a bear or my teeth are falling out, I otherwise can't remember (off the top of my head) ever being able to draw pretty significant parallels between dreams like I can with these two, and it makes me scratch my head.
Maybe this is just me trying to find some sort of meaning in something that really doesn't even matter at all and isn't anything more than just a bit of an odd dream, but if there is some sort of meaning, then I'm curious as to what it is.
In the dream I had earlier, at one point I was looking at myself in a mirror, and then pulled my shirt up to expose my abdomen. On the left side of my stomach were fairly large brown patches (I naturally have very light skin). The patches just looked and felt like they were part of my body. I then turned around and looked over my shoulder to see if the patches extended onto my back, but the skin on my back just looked the way it always has. A little later on in the dream, I looked in the mirror again to have another look these patches, but they were gone.
In the dream I had when I was 8, at one point I noticed that my skin was both brown and its naturally light colour, but instead of there just being brown patches on my stomach, my whole body was marbled with these two colours. I wasn't looking in a mirror, but instead looking at myself from the outside, like I wasn't actually me. That's the only thing I (all these years later) remember about the dream before I woke up.
Aside from the PTSD nightmares and the occasional, pretty common dream that I'm being chased by a bear or my teeth are falling out, I otherwise can't remember (off the top of my head) ever being able to draw pretty significant parallels between dreams like I can with these two, and it makes me scratch my head.
Maybe this is just me trying to find some sort of meaning in something that really doesn't even matter at all and isn't anything more than just a bit of an odd dream, but if there is some sort of meaning, then I'm curious as to what it is.
Kattt
Ancient of Mu-Mu
- May 18, 2021
- 800
Clearing out some cupboards and came across a load of (sealed) feminine hygiene products.
They're pretty obsolete now there are so many better options
So i looked for somewhere to donate them
They have an EXPIRY DATE
WTF??????
Like you aren't going to eat them (I hope).
They're pretty obsolete now there are so many better options
So i looked for somewhere to donate them
They have an EXPIRY DATE
WTF??????
Like you aren't going to eat them (I hope).
http-410
nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
I am slipping while everyone is watching.
It hurts. Everything I do is futile.
I am drowning in agony and everyone is looking at me, expressionless, faceless. Like machines. I can't blame them, I can't be helped. Not in the usual way.
I don't know how else to ask for "help" when everything is in vain.
I'm spinning in circles and just want to break out. I wish there was another way than suicide, but I am being forced into this. I will never be ready, but I have to do it anyway. The time is getting closer.
It's predictable. I'm counting the times. Deathrow.
5
It hurts. Everything I do is futile.
I am drowning in agony and everyone is looking at me, expressionless, faceless. Like machines. I can't blame them, I can't be helped. Not in the usual way.
I don't know how else to ask for "help" when everything is in vain.
I'm spinning in circles and just want to break out. I wish there was another way than suicide, but I am being forced into this. I will never be ready, but I have to do it anyway. The time is getting closer.
It's predictable. I'm counting the times. Deathrow.
5
aviation
It's time to go home.
- Jul 30, 2021
- 127
It seems, so often people respect who they want someone to be, instead of the person themselves.
Lmd
Elementalist
- Jul 12, 2020
- 812
I'm so tired... I haven't left the house since the first days of this month and I can feel it in my body. I looked up at the mirror today and I hated what I saw and I don't know if I should work out a bit in case I don't CTB... or do nothing because this somewhat encourage me to do it at the end of the month. I'm gonna be really pissed if I stay alive at the beginning of september.
Imaginos
Full-time layabout
- Apr 7, 2018
- 638
Just finished watching BSG 2004 and I have very mixed feelings about it. The mini-series and the first two seasons were fantastic, but the last two seasons were just incredibly disappointing. Everything during and after the New Caprica arc was crammed to the extreme with soap opera tier melodrama (the Apollo/Starbuck stuff was especially nauseating) and the focus on religion/spirituality completely eclipsed what few sci-fi elements the show still had left. I mean, seriously, religion obsessed robots who believe in god is about as silly as it dumb. Why didn't they just go all the way and have a Centurion in a priest outfit get down on his robotic knees and pray to the Lord while robot Jesus shines down from the heavens?
I also personally wasn't a fan at all of how the Cylons are basically just a bunch of clones (how do they even tell each other apart?) with an emergency fail safe wireless connection in their brains. It just seemed super weak and lazy, and the fact that the actual robot Centurions don't talk or do anything but stand there and shoot people just really took away from making the Cylons something truly alien and unique. Without these dumb humans cosplaying as robots, you could've almost made the religious stuff work, since it would've been fascinating discovering this alien religion that the Centurions had made for themselves.
As it stands, these fleshy Cylons act no different than their human counterparts. They constantly refer to themselves as machines, but they're never shown to be machine-like in way, shape or form, which really bothered me personally. It's just a bunch of telling and no showing. "Seriously, just trust us guys, we're totally machines.", but in practice they reminded me more of the Replicants from Blade Runner, but even the Replicants had more presence than the Cylons in BSG do.
And don't even get me started on that ending. What a load of complete garbage. The ending to BSG is seriously on par with the likes of GoT and Lost. It's honestly that bad. I really have no idea why the writers had to shove so much religious bullshit into this show, but it certainly provided an easy excuse for the numerous, eye roll inducing deus ex machinas which lazily push the story to its lackluster and completely unsatisfying conclusion. Just like in Lost and GoT, the beginning and first half of this show was fantastic, but then it went rapidly downhill and totally jumped the shark with the religious nonsense once everything the characters did was guided by literal divine intervention.
I also wanted more questioning of why humanity should even survive in the first place. Adama's speech in the mini-series was great, and Lampkin's rant on our species' failings was equally awesome, but, aside from that, it wasn't much of a present theme in the show. Instead, they just focused on the religious crap, which is again pretty disappointing.
I also personally wasn't a fan at all of how the Cylons are basically just a bunch of clones (how do they even tell each other apart?) with an emergency fail safe wireless connection in their brains. It just seemed super weak and lazy, and the fact that the actual robot Centurions don't talk or do anything but stand there and shoot people just really took away from making the Cylons something truly alien and unique. Without these dumb humans cosplaying as robots, you could've almost made the religious stuff work, since it would've been fascinating discovering this alien religion that the Centurions had made for themselves.
As it stands, these fleshy Cylons act no different than their human counterparts. They constantly refer to themselves as machines, but they're never shown to be machine-like in way, shape or form, which really bothered me personally. It's just a bunch of telling and no showing. "Seriously, just trust us guys, we're totally machines.", but in practice they reminded me more of the Replicants from Blade Runner, but even the Replicants had more presence than the Cylons in BSG do.
And don't even get me started on that ending. What a load of complete garbage. The ending to BSG is seriously on par with the likes of GoT and Lost. It's honestly that bad. I really have no idea why the writers had to shove so much religious bullshit into this show, but it certainly provided an easy excuse for the numerous, eye roll inducing deus ex machinas which lazily push the story to its lackluster and completely unsatisfying conclusion. Just like in Lost and GoT, the beginning and first half of this show was fantastic, but then it went rapidly downhill and totally jumped the shark with the religious nonsense once everything the characters did was guided by literal divine intervention.
I also wanted more questioning of why humanity should even survive in the first place. Adama's speech in the mini-series was great, and Lampkin's rant on our species' failings was equally awesome, but, aside from that, it wasn't much of a present theme in the show. Instead, they just focused on the religious crap, which is again pretty disappointing.
I mean, c'mon, so the resurrected Starbuck was literally a gods damn ghost the whole time? Seriously? Is she Gandalf the White all the sudden? What the frakking hell were they thinking with that one? And Gaius/Caprica were literally seeing/talking to angels the whole time? So, God just exists then? Really? And the "Final Five" subplot and opera house thing was such a letdown. I can't even fathom that a team of writers all nodded their head in agreement at all this horseshit. It's staggering, frankly.
Also, fuck Helo. The guy was a stupid self-righteous asshole. I mean, for fuck's sake, the fact that he wasn't tossed out an airlock after denying the fleet the one weapon they had at their disposal to wipe out the Cylons for good just boggled the mind. It was annoying when Star Trek did it with Hugh in regards to the Borg, but at least it made more sense considering the characters/tone of Star Trek and the fact that they weren't carrying the last remnants of their species. Even then Nechayev chews Picard out for his complete dumbassery in a later episode and he even admits to Riker that although they might've done the "moral" thing, it might not have been the actual right thing to do. Outside of that, Helo was just a smug prick who thought he was the only one in that show with a moral compass, when it's due to his actions that all the death/misery in the show continues as it does, just so he can sleep easy at night and consider himself a goody two shows.
On that point, the same goes for why Adama and Laura allowed Baltar to be president in the first place. The safety of the fleet should take precedence over their own conscience, but no let's allow a complete fucking disaster to occur just so they as individuals can feel good that they did the "right thing". It's just like, god fucking damn, get real would you? Set aside your own petty desires and do what needs to be done. If people hate you, then let them hate you. Seems a small price to pay to avoid the deaths of countless people and to willfully/recklessly put in jeopardy everything they're trying to protect in the first place.
And while I'm at it, fuck Starbuck too. When she wasn't being an obnoxious idiot, she was just being a loudmouthed bully.
Apollo was just boring, but he wasn't too far off from Helo in terms of his asinine and utterly insufferable self-righteousness.
Honestly, outside of Bill Adama, Lampkin, Tigh, Doc Cottle, Tom Zarek, Felix, Laura, Galen, and Gaius, all the characters on this show sucked. Lampkin especially was fantastic. It's a shame he gets so little screen time compared to everyone else. Definitely my favorite character next to Adama and Baltar. Granted, Baltar's weaselly nature could get kind of annoying at times, and the amount of teary eyed breakdowns that Adama has in the last two seasons was a bit much and kind of took away from his commanding gravitas as a character. And what the heck ever happened to Novacek? It's a shame we never got to see more of his character.
Also, fuck Helo. The guy was a stupid self-righteous asshole. I mean, for fuck's sake, the fact that he wasn't tossed out an airlock after denying the fleet the one weapon they had at their disposal to wipe out the Cylons for good just boggled the mind. It was annoying when Star Trek did it with Hugh in regards to the Borg, but at least it made more sense considering the characters/tone of Star Trek and the fact that they weren't carrying the last remnants of their species. Even then Nechayev chews Picard out for his complete dumbassery in a later episode and he even admits to Riker that although they might've done the "moral" thing, it might not have been the actual right thing to do. Outside of that, Helo was just a smug prick who thought he was the only one in that show with a moral compass, when it's due to his actions that all the death/misery in the show continues as it does, just so he can sleep easy at night and consider himself a goody two shows.
On that point, the same goes for why Adama and Laura allowed Baltar to be president in the first place. The safety of the fleet should take precedence over their own conscience, but no let's allow a complete fucking disaster to occur just so they as individuals can feel good that they did the "right thing". It's just like, god fucking damn, get real would you? Set aside your own petty desires and do what needs to be done. If people hate you, then let them hate you. Seems a small price to pay to avoid the deaths of countless people and to willfully/recklessly put in jeopardy everything they're trying to protect in the first place.
And while I'm at it, fuck Starbuck too. When she wasn't being an obnoxious idiot, she was just being a loudmouthed bully.
Apollo was just boring, but he wasn't too far off from Helo in terms of his asinine and utterly insufferable self-righteousness.
Honestly, outside of Bill Adama, Lampkin, Tigh, Doc Cottle, Tom Zarek, Felix, Laura, Galen, and Gaius, all the characters on this show sucked. Lampkin especially was fantastic. It's a shame he gets so little screen time compared to everyone else. Definitely my favorite character next to Adama and Baltar. Granted, Baltar's weaselly nature could get kind of annoying at times, and the amount of teary eyed breakdowns that Adama has in the last two seasons was a bit much and kind of took away from his commanding gravitas as a character. And what the heck ever happened to Novacek? It's a shame we never got to see more of his character.
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http-410
nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
http-410
nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
I have called the crisis line.
I know it's only well-intentioned, but why do they say they see hope for me? No one sees it, but they don't dare tell the truth. I wish people would be honest with me. Everyone says there are other ways than suicide, but no one can show them to me. Or they say I should know myself what is good for me.
If I knew that, why did I end up in a suicide forum? Or is suicide actually the right solution I need?
I know it's only well-intentioned, but why do they say they see hope for me? No one sees it, but they don't dare tell the truth. I wish people would be honest with me. Everyone says there are other ways than suicide, but no one can show them to me. Or they say I should know myself what is good for me.
If I knew that, why did I end up in a suicide forum? Or is suicide actually the right solution I need?
aviation
It's time to go home.
- Jul 30, 2021
- 127
I love listening to people, but I don't like hearing noise. Why is most of what I get from people in this world noise?
http-410
nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
I tried to call the crisis line a second time earlier, but I couldn't get through. Why do I try it if it doesn't help me? Strangely enough, two police cars showed up on the way back where I originally tried to call the crisis line. I never saw police there.
It's getting late again.
It's getting late again.
aviation
It's time to go home.
- Jul 30, 2021
- 127
I have a lot of empathy. For everyone, anyone. And it's never reserved, nor controlled, nor 'bound'. I don't take sides. I don't judge. I genuinely don't. I just watch and feel directions. I get told I'm neutral about everything, then, and it somehow upsets people. I'm not, but I can understand why it's seen that way on the surface. I get told that talking to me is like talking to someone who's never interacted with a human being before. This is coming from people who don't understand what being human means on a true level, instead of an application one. But I don't mind. Why would I? This is a direction, it comes from someone. It's genuinely beautiful, no matter where it is.
Lmd
Elementalist
- Jul 12, 2020
- 812
This heat is killing me. I'm gonna become one with the chair.
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 634
My physical condition is so particularly bad today that I keep dissociating.
There is no low with this illness.
This is no life.
I want out.
There is no low with this illness.
This is no life.
I want out.
lastingabyss
Knockin’ on Heaven’s door
- Apr 10, 2021
- 20
I hate work. I feel so anxious about everything, and I don't like the uncertainty of it all either. I wish I was dead so I didn't have to carry on with these thoughts swimming around. Nothing can fix me. I have no interest in anything apart for myself.
DunnoWhyButYeah
~*-*~
- Apr 3, 2020
- 385
Somehow I'm in a situation where I can't be in peace for a moment. There are all the wrong people around me. I get love from where I don't want it. It's exhausting. I regret the day I got into this situation from which I can't get out. I can't do the things I want because I have to avoid one person in particular.
Practically I no longer have any space of my own, I just want peace and disappear.
This is actually a worse situation than what was with my online stalker. After all, he wasn't so emotional and oppressive. I can't really enjoy anything anymore.
Practically I no longer have any space of my own, I just want peace and disappear.
This is actually a worse situation than what was with my online stalker. After all, he wasn't so emotional and oppressive. I can't really enjoy anything anymore.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 38,299
I really dislike noise, this world is far too loud. I think for me the problem has always been life itself, rather than specific things that make me want to ctb, even know I have reasons. I am tired of experiencing things, it is uncomfortable simply being conscious and aware. I am tired of thoughts. To me non existence just sounds so wonderful, being free from this burden of existence, never experiencing anything again. To exist is to suffer. To me it is the only way to find some sort of peace and no matter what I will get there.
BottomlessPit
Staring at the edge
- Apr 28, 2021
- 423
I am lowkey hoping that SS will be featured in some articles again. With enough publicity we might gain more active users, preferably covid lockdown numbers.
Seaghost
Specialist
- Apr 14, 2019
- 301
About love.
What is that? What is that which drives my crazy...which make me laugh and cry simultaneously?
Why do it exists? Just for reproduction? Not more?
Just a feeling? A feeling which let aris another feeling like an eathquake. Makes you feel superhuman and a few seconds later let you withdraw in the next doghouse cause of the pain which shatters your heart.
Where is this "little thing called love" when we're thinking of CTB?
Gods...you set this seed in us but why make it go withered in some of us?
I'd like to fight for that even if my body and soul dies by it's own way. Maybe love and CTB is the same....salvation?
Yes thats it: salvation.
Dear essence of time make me loose my mind. Do your work and let me die to give this place to a human who has the power to live and fight for the good things
BUT
a few seconds before you cut my rope of life let my touch the girl who's face is burned in my heart. Let me softly touch over her ear and cheek just to end up with a kiss of her lips.
Just once more thunder and lightning in my stomach before the lights go out.
PLEASE for heavens sake!
I wonder where you are tonight. No answer on the telephone....(Heart - Alone)
I'm sorry if it's not correct english I tried my best!
What is that? What is that which drives my crazy...which make me laugh and cry simultaneously?
Why do it exists? Just for reproduction? Not more?
Just a feeling? A feeling which let aris another feeling like an eathquake. Makes you feel superhuman and a few seconds later let you withdraw in the next doghouse cause of the pain which shatters your heart.
Where is this "little thing called love" when we're thinking of CTB?
Gods...you set this seed in us but why make it go withered in some of us?
I'd like to fight for that even if my body and soul dies by it's own way. Maybe love and CTB is the same....salvation?
Yes thats it: salvation.
Dear essence of time make me loose my mind. Do your work and let me die to give this place to a human who has the power to live and fight for the good things
BUT
a few seconds before you cut my rope of life let my touch the girl who's face is burned in my heart. Let me softly touch over her ear and cheek just to end up with a kiss of her lips.
Just once more thunder and lightning in my stomach before the lights go out.
PLEASE for heavens sake!
I wonder where you are tonight. No answer on the telephone....(Heart - Alone)
I'm sorry if it's not correct english I tried my best!
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 634
You expressed yourself very well. :) English can be pretty hard to master; the key is to just keep practicing. Even a lot of native speakers don't always speak it probably, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm one of them.
May I ask what your native language is?And I agree, love is a crazy thing, between how many vastly different types of love there are; how many extremes it can trigger in a person on all sides of its twisted spectrum; how it can make a person feel so raw and vulnerable, and yet so warm and safe at the same time. But you expressed it a lot better than I think I ever could, haha.
SleepDealer
Your Imaginary Friend
- Aug 13, 2021
- 138
I like a lot of the people here.
Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike people easily, but most people give me the impression that I can't relate or be real with them.
I don't get that feeling here. It's a nice change of pace.
Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike people easily, but most people give me the impression that I can't relate or be real with them.
I don't get that feeling here. It's a nice change of pace.
Seaghost
Specialist
- Apr 14, 2019
- 301
You expressed yourself very well. :) English can be pretty hard to master; the key is to just keep practicing. Even a lot of native speakers don't always speak it probably, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm one of them.
And I agree, love is a crazy thing, between how many vastly different types of love there are; how many extremes it can trigger in a person on all sides of its twisted spectrum; how it can make a person feel so raw and vulnerable, and yet so warm and safe at the same time. But you expressed it a lot better than I think I ever could, haha.
Thank you very much. Your kindly words means much for me :).
I'm from germany.
Don't get me wrong but I try to avoid too much OT so I do it the short way
.PM is always ok if you like :).
stygal
low-wage worker
- Oct 29, 2020
- 1,732
Current obsessions: brushing my hair over and over and putting it in a bun, lil mariko, drawing a square on a paper whenever one hour at work has passed, even numbers, nasal spray, vanilla pudding, women in suits, strawberry gum, counting my steps, cleaning my counter, rimworld
I love you, but you really fucked everything up.
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
When you don't feel well it's hard to think of anything else.
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 634
Reading the "list of suicides" Wikipedia page. The methods that were used back in ancient times are really something else –
"Opened his veins", "hit his head against a big stone", "swallowed burning coal", "fell on a sword", "induced an asp to bite her", "jumped into a volcano", "ordered his slave to kill him", etc.
There's also one from the 1700s where a man severed his penis and bled to death. I can't even imagine how excruciatingly painful that must have been, fucking hell...
"Opened his veins", "hit his head against a big stone", "swallowed burning coal", "fell on a sword", "induced an asp to bite her", "jumped into a volcano", "ordered his slave to kill him", etc.
There's also one from the 1700s where a man severed his penis and bled to death. I can't even imagine how excruciatingly painful that must have been, fucking hell...
AtMostOkay
Screw your courage to the sticking place.
- Jun 29, 2021
- 926
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 634
I'm trying to work on my notes and I'm so frustrated with myself... I know what I want to say but I just don't know how to say it, and how much of it I'll actually end up saying.
So particularly fucking depressed today.
I just want peace. That's it.
So particularly fucking depressed today.
I just want peace. That's it.
Lmd
Elementalist
- Jul 12, 2020
- 812
I wish I knew how to get out of here. Everything leads to dead roads.
