Random thoughts

[Seaghost]

Calm outside
Screaming inside
I'm bursting
Help my angels, gods and devils

 

[Lmd]

10:00 PM: Maybe if I keep going and try a bit harder I can get out of this and move on...
7:00 AM: Impossible.

 

[Celerity]

10:00 PM: Maybe if I keep going and try a bit harder I can get out of this and move on...
7:00 AM: Impossible.

Boy, do I relate to this.

 

[CyanideSoup]

No matter how hard I try I cant escape the darkness. I think it's time.

 

[FredTheCripple]

I just realized I'm one of the older members on this site. A lot of people have joined in either 2021 or 2020. I can't believe it's been that long since I joined. Kinda embarassing that I still haven't succeeded in 2 and half a year. I don't wanna be one of the oldest, it makes me feel like a father. ^^'

I must be the grandpa who sits in silence and watches from a distance. Uhh... I've seen others from 2018 who are still around, so you aren't alone. I do wonder if that makes us chickens, I've seen many goodbye threads over the years. Some even do it within a few months of joining. I'm jealous of them honestly. Maybe this will be the year for me.

 

[Meditation guide]

Most of the time I regret trying to communicate at all with anyone.

 

[WOODESITY]

let the life do its thing and finish me off, i have no desire to keep living, it is only survival thing that i do, i listen music, distracting myself from this reality i live in, i remember memories that mattered most to me, now memories are past, i have nothing left to live for, i do not enjoy this life much, SN method is what I'm considering, unless i can get N, or wait for another winter to die by hypothermia, hypothermia, something about this feeling while i freeze to death, feeling my body shutting down slowly, i kind of like process of it, i can get drunk, and even high perhaps, then this sweet non existence approaches me and i feel like getting closer to peace, this life is like something i don't like very much, i wish i was never born in first place

 

[nerve]

One day it'll all be over and then I can rest

 

[Meditation guide]

I've always been a writer.

 

[http-410]

I want to tear myself apart and sleep at the same time. Beat this head to a pulp and be nothing. Take off the meat suit and disappear into nothingness. Spaghettified and circling a black hole for too long.

 

[littlelungs]

I hurt myself today.

Took the sharpest knife I saw and pressed down as hard as I could, then took a lighter to the results. I watched the blood drip down my arm, and it felt almost surreal. I always try to avoid sounding cliche whenever possible, but it was a weird feeling to see the dark red blood come to the surface. I smeared it slightly and it left a bright red track on my arm. It almost felt like it wasn't mine.

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier, and my eyes were empty. There is simply nothing there. I've been dead with a pulse since 2002.

I hate myself. I hurt myself almost as if it's a menial task that simply needs to be completed. I do this really neat thing where I can manage to blame myself for absolutely everything. There could be a car accident on the other side of the city, and I would still somehow be able to find a way to blame myself for it.

This existence is consistent in its agony.

I have notes to write, so that I can finally get that one giant step closer to the eternal rest I've been craving for so long.

But first, I need some sleep.

 

[Meditation guide]

Feeling strong and healthy.

 

[AtMostOkay]

 

[Seaghost]

Hm..thus life is a prison but at tthe moment moment I'm looking through the bars at a flower meadow by sundown.
Strange...

 

[http-410]

Spent the day zoning out and imagining myself dying.

I'm not sure I found the right place. It's far away and it will probably be dark.

 

[MagentaScorpio]

Sometimes I have a feeling I might be born into the wrong species... I'm not a furry, it's not my thing.
However sometimes I feel that my life might be much much easier without all of this "human problems" and if I was just an animal living in the moment, not really having to be forced to sociallize or worring about my grades... To be honest this human things are unneceserrly complicated, that I feel slowly shattering inside... When I was younger I always wanted to be a cat or horse, as in being JUST animal and sometimes I really want to be an animal with simpler mind and not having to worry if I acted weird or rude towards other human... Uhhh... It's hard to describe... In my head it sounded a little better :/

 

[Seaghost]

The flower meadow is fading away.
Back to the bars...wonderful rusty steel smelling like blood.
Where are you higher beeings???? Are you not here to help??

 

[clown_17]

Writing is the only thing that's giving me some sense of morality. The only thing I wake up for is inhalants or benzos. I scroll the same forums and sides of the internet every day. I've been debating posting my writing somewhere but I know I won't. I never will. Just like all the other plans I don't commit to I'll forget about it soon. I'm just waiting for the next setback. Be it big or small, when ur all crumbles again. I feel like I'm nowhere, not going anywhere, just waiting for anything that'll fix this. I'm not planning on ctb immediately but it's there in the foreground of my mind. I'll never be able to confidently say that I'll live to the next (x event). Everything's cloudy, mundane, and uncertain. That's it

 

[stygal]

I once again realized that I prefer reading/interacting in this community over other communities where I seem to start conversations but people just don't get my overall anti-social, suicidal, apathetic, somewhat "doomer" mindset.

Also, and I can't stress this enough: I really like pudding.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I told to someone yesterday what is going on because he said that I need someone to talk about my problems. Haha and right after I did that, he don't say anything. Not a word and now I'm feeling like idiot.

I was thinking he could understand me because what we have talked before, but probably that was too much to him. He even was okay when I told him that I had feelings, little crush or something. So I'm quite surprised that now he don't say anything?

I hate that because I thinked that I'm never going to tell him how I really feel and what I think. I was afraid that he is going to run away and haha that exactly happens :o :(

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My car has broken down and needs an expensive dealership repair completely out of my own pocket. I don't have enough to cover it. Idk how anyone manages to get ahead in this world, I really don't.

 

[Meditation guide]

Negative environment and people brings bad luck in other areas of your life.

 

[motel rooms]

I hope brokenwaves didn't feel a thing, I hope the cliff was high enough. I can't get Bjork's Hyperballad out of my head-
It's early morning
No one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes till they crash
I imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
And when it lands
Will my eyes be closed or open?

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna stick my dick in an old fat guy for money. He says he's 68. Everybody just wants me for my dick, I may as well get paid. He just wants to get fucked, it's not like I have to suck him off. I need the fucking money. It's only 30 minutes, I can handle it. I need the fucking money. I should be grateful. I hope the cliff was high enough... Fuck this goddamn miserable life!

 

[aviation]

I'd rather have a void in front of me, than be one.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm in a dreamy space these past few days, drifting peacefully, knowing this is the runway to the next dimension, not caring, nor thinking, barely alive, like a jet slowing down after it has landed.

 

[littlelungs]

One thing that I've always had is a really good memory, which, given my history, can be a good thing, or a really, really bad thing... and sometimes I just randomly remember weird shit about my childhood that, in comparison to all of other shit that was going on, wasn't really traumatic, but just a result of the shitty circumstances, if that makes even a lick of sense.

Like how I used to sometimes go into an adult family member's room and look through her bedside drawer for food because I knew that that was where she kept snacks, because I was super young and didn't know how to cook yet, and all the food I could find in the kitchen that didn't need to be cooked was stale soda crackers, some stale, bland cereal, packs of instant noodles, a block of moldy cheese in the fridge (mold aside, I've always hated cheese), a whole drawer of moldy bread, and a huge bottle of white wine (I even remember the brand of wine this family member used to drink – ugh). In hindsight, I saw/smelled moldy bread so often that I, to this day, refuse to even open a pack of bread two days before its "best before" date because the sight/smell (while objectively unpleasant, for sure) makes me cry... so I mean, I *guess* I could say that it's a trigger in a way, but it has never really caused a flashback (which is VERY easily identifiable after my brain has somewhat calmed down again) as far as I know. For the longest time after moving out on my own, I practically NEVER bought bread because of this.

Sometimes there would also be some Coca-Cola in the laundry room in the basement, which made me feel like I'd hit the lottery, but I also just generally tried to avoid being in the basement whenever possible if I knew that there were certain people down there.

I wouldn't eat all of the snacks that I found in that bedside drawer so as to not blow my cover, but just enough to kind of take the edge off, because I was usually hungry as fuck by the time I got to the point of wanting to rifle through the drawer in the first place.

I remember how one day in particular, I found a half-eaten can of crushed, stale salt and vinegar Pringles in the bedside table and, after eating a couple of tiny handfuls of the crushed chips, I went into the backyard to see if I could maybe make myself some food from the plants outside. I took some leaves from one of the bushes, some dandelions, climbed a tree to reach over the fence for some flowers from the neighbour's backyard, plus some long blades of grass, and sat behind the bushes and used a rock to kind of act as a plate to put the flowers and dandelions on these leaves I'd collected, then I rolled them up and secured them with a couple long blades of grass, and ate them like they were mini burritos. It didn't taste too good – not terrible, but not great, either – and I felt slightly queasy afterwards, but I figured that it would be good enough to fall back on if I was hungry and everything in the house had either gone bad or needed to be cooked, or if I was too nervous to go into the basement and check for pop, again, in case certain people were down there.

I just remember kinda weird, random shit like that where I think to myself, "Uh... not that I've ever really had a great reference point for 'normalcy', but I'm not so sure that eating flowers and weeds in the backyard because I was hungry and couldn't find edible food in the house is something that's considered normal." But again, I don't really have a reference point, so with things like this, I've always just kind of looked back on it and thought to myself, "Huh. Well, that was interesting, I guess."

 

[Seaghost]

Sitting on my pc.
Nature around the house but won't go out. Even with fresh air I can't get enough O2 to supply my soul. And what if I meet people? When they near me I'm always like a puppet.
It's always important not to show your(you're) real inside.
It seems like I don't get N so early so I needed to see a hospital for my physically shit. It makes me think I'm doing the right thing but secretly i'm just postpone to kill myself. Thats not the right way but it's better to getting insane.
I faild for the 2349584th time and I'm farther trapped in this body.
15years ago this was a good looking body but at the present time there is not much left of it. If someone really helped me 25 years ago I would have taken another departure.
But that only happens in an illusion.
So im here. In the train station where Neo (Matrix) was trapped but no train's coming. Instead I'm scribbeling on the walls like now in the hope to get the magical changes just with mental power.
It's difficult for me not to write in my native language but I hope the sentences transporting what it feels like.
I'm out. Thank you for reading this.

Maybe...only maybe the points getting switched to another destination I can form what seems to be dead...only maybe.
But with one question - for what? for who?

Editing was necessary...sorry for my english :/.

 

[Meditation guide]

Something in between life and death is the space I inhabit now. The heart beats very slowly, each breath is slow. This odd chamber is unnaturally quiet and hushed. I'm feeling the peace that waits for me. Detached. Slower and quieter, as if my mind and body are shutting down calmly, so the end won't come as a surprise.

 

[aviation]

I am surrounded by humans, but feel surrounded by automatons.

 

[littlelungs]

I was gathering some clips for a playlist to sort of accompany certain aspects of my super long, general note I've been working on (just for some reference in timeline – it sounds weird but it will make sense once the note is finally done), in which I basically describe why I'm as fucked up as I am, everything I've tried over the years to improve my situation, my prognosis, why ending my life is the most merciful thing I can do for myself, etc. The contents of the clips in and of themselves are pretty benign, so based on that I went into it not being too concerned about any potential triggers, but after I gathered most of the clips and closed the media window, I realized that I was shaking uncontrollably, and I'm still shaking now. It even feels like my blood is shaking.

I think that it's not the actual content of the clips themselves, but rather WHEN the clips were originally filmed. They're all from a time before YouTube, so they were originally recorded on a TV and uploaded as archives onto the internet later on, but anyway... the clips are all from a time where things were really, really, really bad, so whenever I see them, all I can think of is the amount of inescapable hell I was up against during the time those clips were recorded, so in their own way, they're inherently part of the era where an irreversible amount of damage was being done... if that makes any fucking sense whatsoever.

It might sound extremely stupid – and in hindsight, I definitely FEEL extremely stupid for basically (albeit unknowingly) triggering myself – but it honestly didn't even really occur to me that this could be a significant problem, and even if it were, I thought I would be able to "handle it"... but PTSD (among an entire list of other bullshit) just seems to completely dominate my life to an unbearable degree, and I can never really know when it's going to strike, and with a vengeance.

The playlist is done, and I'm not even going to go near it anymore. I'll make it clear on the note how to locate it, but I have absolutely no intentions of ever touching it again.