Random thoughts

[BlankUser]

At least I had a better day today. It's rare for me. The weather was really nice, I had some fun time with my boyfriend, we went out to birdwatch and saw some really funny hatchlings. Our parrot was happy too, singing in the balcony. I'm not even bothered by old ladies upstairs having a party lol. The last two weeks were horrible for me, but today was better. I feel like my brain got some relief finally.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I really wish I could hurt my older brother. Why does he get to be abusive towards me and my mom and he gets to live while I have to die? I made myself promise not to live past 30 and I'm now 31. Shitdemic aside there were times where I was home alone and could killmyself, but didn't becuase I'm a bitch. I keep dreaming of life where my brother is dead, I have my own place and I'm making my own money. Cept my attempts to get my own place and work have failed so many times that I've given up on ever getting there.

By all means I shouldn't stay alive, yet here I am.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Why did I do this again? Why do I keep doing this? If you're nice to me and you make a move on me that's it, I'd let you do whatever you want to me even if I'm not remotely attracted to you, I will pretend that I am and I will pretend to enjoy it even if I'm dying inside. What in the world is wrong with me?
And how did I manage to make it worse? Oh well, I just started crying when the situation started to make me too uncomfortable (Imma spare you the details but well, let's just say that making me too uncomfortable is not an easy fit but he managed it) and that just completely ruined everything. I tried to play it off as nothing, but I couldn't, I just ended up leaving the poor guy frustrated, disappointed and confused. I'm the most pathetic person imaginable.

 

[http-410]

These thoughts accompany me everywhere, no matter what I do. Whether I'm dreaming, showering, cooking, petting my cats, or looking out the window. I can't judge if it's bad or not, it's just a logical consequence.

I wish there was a more pleasant way out. I'm postponing it, and I can't stand that. I feel bad talking about this with a therapist but not having done it yet. I want to do something right for once in my "life".

 

[Scribble Fan]

Damnit, I wish I could just CTB in peace. I don't want to be a part of this world. I fucked up every single one of my suicide attempts, am I really that useless? I'm so fucking done with this life but I'm still trapped here and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[signifying nothing]

Maybe the problem lies in asking the question. How can we ever really know, truly have an answer? Really everyone is clueless.

 

[Lefty]

Thinking of ways to live off the grid.

 

[motel rooms]

Touch me, I'm trying. I'm not like this all the time, I'm not like this all the time.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Where do you draw the line between wanting to be hurt because it is a sexual preference and wanting to be hurt because you are in a "mental health crisis"? Asking for a friend...

 

[Meditation guide]

When my business is good I become completely cold blooded and my emotional life shuts down. I sometimes wonder who the real me is.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm afraid to CTB. I've wanted to die for so long yet death still scares me. Must be survival instinct...

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel some anxiety. I'm concerned that my life is taken up too much by my business. I really enjoy it however but it's like an addiction. I do eat right and exercise every day. But I feel much too content with the business and know it's a serious problem known as being a workaholic.

I have my bf coming and my ex also coming and wonder how this is going to play out. Probably not too good.

 

[http-410]

Why can't I come to terms with the past?

 

[Scribble Fan]

I can't stand that deep, cold lonely feeling. It's ever present and it's getting to me.

 

[http-410]

I knew exactly that I couldn't remain numb. It hurts and this cycle will never end unless I end myself.

I just want it to stop.

No time to cry. I have to pull myself together and try to act normal, the appointment starts soon. I feel sick. If this misery continues like this, I won't be able to last much longer. I'm so sick of it.

 

[BlankUser]

Another day when I forced myself to go to the gym! That is a good thing. I did chest, shoulders and triceps! The feeling after a good workout is definitely good. It's just hard to force myself to do it. But now.....!!! I'm drinking wine instead of a protein shake lol.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

To a fake ol' friend

If I can't prove to you I'm not what you think I am, I will prove to you I am exactly what you think I am. You want an asshole, you'll get an asshole.

 

[Lmd]

I've been living in a bubble where people aren't assholes and now that I've experienced what's out there I'm nauseous.

 

[Meditation guide]

I have a knot in my stomach right now from feeling anxious.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I had this blissful dream that I caught the bus with a partner. We both got a bunch of balloons and hung ourselves with them. It was like the suicidal version of Up lol

In real life I'm way too scared of predators to find a partner. That plus I'm socially awkward. It's a shame really, it would be so nice not to feel lonely during my final moments :(

 

[BlankUser]

Sun rays are amazing! I stayed in the sun a lot today and my suicidal thoughts diminished a bit. I got a nice golden tan and felt a little better. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I recommend it to people who stay isolated inside too much. Maybe natural vitamin D and other stuff that sun provides will give you some relief.

 

[http-410]

Apparently, my facade is still so convincing that people think I am capable of living a normal life. That doesn't make things any easier, but what can I do? I don't need pity, concerned people, or soothing words. I can't expect anyone to accompany me along the way. Would I even want that?

Sometimes I think there are serious physiological problems as well. This is not normal. Since I was last sick months ago, I don't feel recovered, but I don't feel taken seriously. It's all psychological, all in my head.

Too tired, too numb. I watch myself withering away. This is agonizing.

 

[Seaghost]

What a bad sunday...can't get over it.
So much trouble with one person in our shared appartment.
The rage against this guy is unspeakable.
Need to gwt outa here as soon as possible but I'm searching for the strength to do that

Indepently and already before that situation I've got that whish that my family - which practically doesn't exist - give me love that just parents can give.
I'm empty.

Sorry for my english

 

[motel rooms]

To kiss you, but never be the object of your desire. What can I do but go straight to you?

 

[Scribble Fan]

Tied my extension chord into a hangman's noose... Feeling pretty close to finally catching that bus.

 

[Rayzieka]

Been thinking about what would happen to my support system if I were to stop taking the meds they insist I take
They hardly do anything but give me side effects and it physically hurts

 

[Meditation guide]

My anxiety has settled into a numb mindless background noise.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

The older I get the more I'm convinced that every person that claims that money don't define their happiness, don't work as a good motivator or generally don't matter that much for them simply have never experienced poverty or even a risk of poverty. Sure, money can't always make you happy. But having no money can certainly prevent you from ever feeling happy, unless you live in the wildreness or something. Having no money when you desperately need them is such a dehumanising, degrading, miserable, soul-crushing experience. Especially when it isn't a one-off occassion, but a pattern of poverty and debt following you throughout your entire life that you can't escape no matter how hard you try.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Bad News: I give up on partial suspension. Whatever magic touch is required to find that sweet spot I simply do not have.

Good News: I may be able to afford SN next month! Maybe. Oh I hope so, I really do.

 

[http-410]

I wish I could ask my therapist how I manage to stop procrastinating and finally get it over with.

Is there a solution for this? Maybe I should start reading ebooks about palliative care. My whole body hurts, and I don't know why.