Random thoughts

[motel rooms]

Can you still feel a little love? In your dreams, boy, in your dreams!

 

[http-410]

What a useless, wasted "life".

I can't make it. I can no longer do anything at all except to vent. I don't even have the energy to end myself, or is it something else? Am I trying to come up with excuses again?

Aggression.

It's like an internal struggle. I want to violently shred this body in all directions, but at the same time I want to go peacefully.

I am so sick of myself. Every day the same shit. Every day the same thoughts. Every day my same posts on the forum. Every week the same shit with my therapist.

Lots of blah blah, but I don't get anywhere.

What if I lie to my doctor to get beta blockers? Would I do it then, or would I come up with other excuses again? I'm a fucking coward. It's just ridiculous. What a coward. I guess the constant nosebleeds are also just a figment of my imagination. It's all in my head. I should stop clogging up the healthcare system. I am beyond help. Just grant me a humane way and I'll stop complaining.

 

[http-410]

They make me angry when they think that everything is just a question of will. All these phrases do is fuel my suicidality. Maybe that's what they want.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I've been angrily texting my dad(receiving no responses) over the past week and a half and I had plans to tell him on his birthday next week that I hope he choked on his cake. Then I had a nightmare last night. In it, my dad called to tell me one of his blood relatives passed away and I said I didn't care and then I get a call from the hospital saying he caught the same thing and was going to die in the next few days. I saw him in the same spot my other papa was in during his hospitalization days before he passed and I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm so angry at him and blame him for so much but despite not talking to him, if I were to lose him from this world I don't know what I would do. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone.

 

[http-410]

Perception is a torment. I cannot recover as long as I am conscious.

This shit is starting to hurt again.

 

[BlankUser]

I just hate my boyfriend's brother. This piece of shit makes me hate life even more. I do my best to tolerate this cunt, because my boyfriend has a strong bond with him. I don't want to upset my boyfriend talking negatively about this idiot. But damn, I hate that brother more and more everyday.

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel good

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I almost panicked because I thought SS was down): The past couple of days I've decided to not eat aside from one can of fruit a day so if I do decide to take SN I'll be ready at a moments notice. I've been thinking of taking SN on my birthday because it's supposedly a super moon that night and if I can manage to get up somewhere in the mountains or head back to California to a beach I'd love to pass under the moonlight. It would be pretty fitting passing on the same day I came into this world 22 years ago.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Today is a year before the expected release date of Jurassic World Dominion, which is so far the latest thing I'm waiting for before I finally CTB. Unfortunately I've just realized it's very likely that both this and NEXT year's E3 could announce some games I really want to play plus some movie/tv announcements could also happen which could cause me to delay my death further.

And yet every waking moment I'm not thinking of the entertainment that excites me, I'm sinking deeper and deeper into despair over my reality. I absolutely refuse to get a job, pay attention to my health, learn anything new, or even get the stupid corona vaccine unless I fall in love with someone which I'm doing my best to ensure that doesn't happen because I honestly don't want to burden anyone with ever associating with me.

I hate all this pressure people are putting on me to try any of those things as if they expect that becoming a wage slave is going to make it easier for me to build confidence and attract women. I will not be manipulated in such a way. I would rather die than waste a shred of effort on something I don't want to do without a guaranteed soulmate first. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

I wish I could do a better job at convincing people I'm evil. Maybe I should get started on my suicide note soon...

 

[Seaghost]

Read a bit more about SN.
Gettin doubt by reading few not so good reports and yes...there's the vomit.

A cheer up to our health minister who blocks the whish of self-destermined dying. May he get what he deserves!

With pleasure I would wright more but actually its so difficult to translate.

Miss you ex girl.... :/

 

[Eire1992]

I'm tired of the mask that's just become life. Sometimes I wonder am I just that good of an actor or are the people around me choosing to not see how I really am? "How are you?" All I want to do is scream. Is it really not plain to see the answer to that question? Is what's been going on in my head for the last 15 years really just locked inside to the point where nobody knows? I can't and won't keep going like this. I have nothing left to give. I can only keep this mask in place for so long and I'm nearing my endurance.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My suicide note's going to be so pretentious and insufferable. I love it. I hope it makes anyone who tries to read it sick to their stomach and filled with regret for ever caring about me.

It starts with 'Chapter 1'…

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I keep trying to get on this site but it keeps going out saying host error. Idk what's happening but I do NOT like it):< I'm just trynna send out my daily hugs and not feel so isolated:,)

 

[http-410]

Every day could be the last. All it takes is the last straw to break the camel's back. What's the point of all the planning if it's going to happen on impulse at some point.

I am too soft to live a normal life. Sleeping pills yes or no?

 

[CyanideSoup]

I don't know if it's just me not understanding because my brain is broken, but WHY do people offer their support when they don't mean it? And I don't just mean those people who go "oh well you know I'm always here" when you say things have been a bit difficult. I mean the ones who go out of their way to push you to say how you feel only to provide no support at all.. I hate it. I hate being vulnerable, but I never learn. I feel so embarrassed for pouring my heart out about something so painful and personal just to be ignored.. Time to go socially isolate myself for 6 months again. So much easier.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I'm sick of living and it's making me desperate. My life has been nothing but pain and humiliation. I want out. Let me out!

 

[nightnightnitrite]

My ex texted me. I missed talking to him but I was scared if I got to message him again and plan a meet up Id go back to feeling good. It sounds weird but it would mean all of these thoughts wouldn't have been real and I was just being manic and stupid. However, I don't feel like I want to live any more than I did 5 minutes before getting his message. I'm happy to hear he is safe and doing better than I thought he was but I still feel like living life right now is pointless. I wish he had the courage to message me sober. I wish he didn't put me through what I went through in the first place but I understand why he did it.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I drank a shit ton of coffee energy drinks so I'm extremely hyper right now I just wanna say I'm super excited for the Nintendo Direct in half an hour. I wonder if this is what mania feels like? Although I have no desire to be any more productive than usual I'm just hyper and maybe even a little giddy. I hate how I'm like this, I know how much of a privilege it is to be so easily excited by such frivolities but I can't help it. The game franchises I love just make me so happy! If I could be given new content for them constantly I swear I wouldn't even want to die anymore! Ugh why did I say that? Please don't hate me guys. I swear in no more than a few days when the hype dies down I'll be back to being edgy and suicidal but for right now I just can't contain my joy!

 

[http-410]

I just watched a video of a train operator talking about two traumatic incidents. The word "suicide" was not mentioned once in the whole video and the comments are moderated, both supposedly to avoid copycats. Of course there are comments like "suicide is not a way out", "euthanasia should not be allowed for suicidal people/people with mental illness" or "let them kill themselves at home".

If I wasn't so dissociated, I'd be furious. I wish there was an open dialogue. What about the other side? It would make me so angry that mental suffering is still worth less than physical suffering. Why is this so ingrained in people's minds?

It is also incomprehensible to me how people in this country today still use the unfortunately common term self-murderer/self-murder (literally translated). It is pejorative and criminalizes innocent people who often have no choice but to exercise their right to end their own lives (in often cruel ways).

 

[Scribble Fan]

...I'm a complete failure. I can do nothing right. Why am I like this??

 

[Lmd]

It doesn't even feel good to wake up before the alarm goes off

 

[BlankUser]

Horrible day. Even the little joys are taken from me. Fuck life, fuck society.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I feel second rate. I would love to be chosen first just one more time. Changing the topic, I was born on a Thursday and my birthday coming up is a Thursday but the moon is supposed to be a super one that night. How beautiful would leaving the earth under a super moon on the same day I came into it, Thursday and all, be?

 

[motel rooms]

I miss you so much, @goat . You really moved me. I find myself imagining you in a beautiful rainforest. You said you loved them. A gorgeous, lush rainforest with no predators & no pain. A paradise that doesn't exist... I wish I could hug you & kiss you on the forehead, the way your parents never did

 

[http-410]

I wish I was alone.

People are crushing me.

Everything I do is pointless.

They don't understand me.

I wish I could do it now. I'm nothing but a wreck. I wish I could break out of this shell.

 

[Fehler]

I'm the only one who is digging my grave. The tunnel that I have been digging for years is blocked, I've hit rock bottom, I can feel it.
I have lost in the game of life.

 

[Meditation guide]

g h o s t e d
still no message.
still no message.
I thought I wouldn't do this again.
You are as precious to me as I am to you.

But still no message.

 

[http-410]

I need sleeping pills and beta blockers, but I have no idea how to ask for both without seeming suspicious. Maybe at a monthly interval.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't need this. I don't need this. I need so much more, too much to ask for.

 

[Meditation guide]

i put it in there cause i wanted to connect with you.
i put it in there cause it's all i know how to do.

i pulled it out when i saw you didn't care.
i pulled it out when i knew what you were all about.

I p u t m y h e a r t i n t h e r e