Random thoughts

[Rue89]

Apparently anxiety is just an excuse, and not a valid reason to ctb. Sorry, I guess I'm just weak.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

Just got done decorating my room for christmas as it has always been a way to comfort myself. Sucks though that i'm the only one in the house that really cares or does anything. I hate that part as it's a reminder that I'm alone. But its ok I guess...It's not like its anything new. Just kinda wish I had someone hear to help me decorate the house as it is a lot of work to do alone (The way i do it atleast lol). Idk....I wish I had someone to spend it with since this year (especially the holidays) have been and will continue to be extra horrible this year. Oh well I guess.

 

[waterstrider]

I have broken my mobil phone display again yesterday and I have absolutely no money.

I usually like Christmas even with a toxic family but this year (due to corona and quarantine) my favorite holiday has been taken from me. I hate it.

 

[Going Home]

When they try to make me believe I'm a bad person. Devils.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Classwork and the work from my internship is weighing me down. None of it is difficult yet I still can't help procrastinate because I'm unsure of where to start. >:(

Also I forgot that I was going to send her another message. Maybe it's for the best though...

 

[_Kaira_]

I just want this internal agony to stop. Do I have to suffer alone to make you happy? I tried the more accepted forms of 'help'. Professional, pills, people around me. None of it works. I've tried. I don't want so many more years of this sh*t. Just leave us alone and end your crusade d*mnit! For the love of god if there is one, please just stop this sh*t!

I don't want another break down. I don't want to go back to that f*cking prison. Let me have my last little bit of happiness that I have left in peace ffs!

 

[KleinerWolf]

bought a 1.125 Litre of budget bourbon for $40,
tastes pretty damn strong on its own.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

I think SS needs to add an option to the like bar that conveys the message: "..umm, maybe ?"

 

[Serenedeath02]

When I was in the Northern United States, sometimes gazing at a serene lake made me want to merge with it. Through drowning, that is. I firmly believe that a person can only handle so much terror and destruction before they feel like giving up, like no longer existing. There are an array of factors that precipitated my suicidal ideation, but among them are crushing failure, dejection, low self-esteem and depression. Exacerbating these issues, is the fact that society heavily stigmatizes suicide, so I must suffer in silence. I'm sure that many of you have grappled with such feelings before.

Nonetheless, I've been lurking on this site for a little while, but I decided to join because despite its subject matter, it appears to be filled with kind and genuine people. People who would understand me if I told them that everything I once valued about myself was stripped away from me.

Inevitably, I had to ask myself, "what happened?" What brought me to this dejected place in which I feel no desire to live? It's difficult to entirely describe my situation, but I've increasingly had mental health breakdowns over the course of the last year, and I have had no one to speak about it with. You mention suicide and they immediately suggest that you be committed.

My ramblings aside, I would like to feel freedom and peace when I die. While they are very transient, impalpable feelings, to me they are invaluable.

I want to be free and peaceful.

Really, no one would cry if I left anyway.

I can't think.

I can't live.

The basic things that others take advantage of have been robbed of me due to a foolish mistake.

In my eyes, the only solution is death. In death, there is liberation, regardless of whether this liberation entails an afterlife devoid of pain or a vast chasm of nothingness.

 

[http-410]

I'm nowhere

 

[Wraith]

Coming out of a dissociative state, then realizing just how bleak the world is around you is just crushing

 

[KleinerWolf]

Bought herbs in a pot from grocery store last week.

but this week their leaves already fallen downwards and leaves are turning more yellowish.

:(
my basil and Italian parsley has died.
RIP.

 

[Lmd]

The year is going to end and Im still alive. I cant even acomplish my suicide deadline. Im useless

 

[http-410]

It's ridiculous.

A couple of weeks ago I was determined and tried to buy it until I realized they don't ship anymore, now there's probably only one left and I'm too anxious to buy it. I wonder if I need to feel really bad to try again, the only reason I hesitate is the fear of getting into legal troubles. Time is running out, but in my imagination the police is knocking at the door.

 

[MoonAndStarsss]

Took some benzo Im feeling Good thinking of death but Im to scared to do it. Just found this site and i Dont know what to say about it I just Read that some girl everybody liked ctb soo may her soul rest in Peace. I dont really wanna die but I dont wanna Live..
Took some benzo Im feeling Good thinking of death but Im to scared to do it. Just found this site and i Dont know what to say about it I just Read that some girl everybody liked ctb soo may her soul rest in Peace. I dont really wanna die but I dont wanna Live..

 

[AutoTap]

So sad... so tired.. love my dogs

 

[waterstrider]

sleeping all day is literally the best way to spend your time. you get to see stuff and don't even have the time to be depressed.

 

[throwaway123]

As time goes on I find myself more and more coming to terms with the inevitability of my end. This world is fucked and there is no future. Despite my efforts all is lost. I remember when this thread started. That was a long time ago. Things were a lot calmer back then. This site has changed a lot.
Not really having someone to talk to really sucks. The more time passes the more i lose my mind.
At the end of the day we're all just letters on a screen.

 

[_Kaira_]

Reading up on too many conspiracies. Never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. But lately, this sh*t is starting to scare me.

I'm losing sleep from such things.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Im kinda euphoric on whiskey right now,
but I ask myself what's it's like to have Australian citizenship or be born/having emigrated to a first world country at birth/early childhood?

I would have a different sets of problems perhaps,
but if I get to keep my memories what I know now and transfer that to an alternate universe which doesn't make sense at all,
I would pass out, I can't imagine how privileged I'd feel,
having the world within my hand's grip.

I would feel so powerful and at ease.
I'd pass out...

 

[waterstrider]

As a kid everything seemed so easy to me. Life was full of joy. What happend?
I never in a thousand years would have considered ctb back then but on the other hand I never imagined myself as an older person either. I just lived in the moment. Now I only live in the past or in my fantasy.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I guess I never fully realized just how fragile I've become and how deep down the toilet my mental health is. I had a 40 minute long panic attack, crying and shacking in the kitchen corner half-naked, over a scary movie I watched. This is ridiculous and embarrassing, this kind of crap never happened to me and I never expected it to happen to me. I've always loved thrillers, I enjoyed the suspence, I read all Steven King books I could get my hands on and loved them, I wasn't bothered by horror when I was 8. Now I'm 28 and my roommate has to sit with me at the kitchen at 3AM and explain how the movie plot wouldn't even work in the real world to get me to stop acting crazy and babble that I need to be dead immediately so that I will never have to leave the house and deal with other humans, because other humans are terrifying. Because of a stupid movie that isn't even a good thriller for duck's sake.
I dare any person that even said that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" to explain this shit to me, because I sure don't understand what the hell happened to me.
I guess at the proud age of 28 I've got to start avoiding any non-PG content so that I don't get too upset. Impressive.

 

[Rue89]

I'm so scared of what will happen to my cat when I'm gone. It just hit me really hard right now. I hope my mom would keep him, but I don't know, and I hate that I have no control over it.

 

[ovaltinee99]

I guess I never fully realized just how fragile I've become and how deep down the toilet my mental health is. I had a 40 minute long panic attack, crying and shacking in the kitchen corner half-naked, over a scary movie I watched. This is ridiculous and embarrassing, this kind of crap never happened to me and I never expected it to happen to me. I've always loved thrillers, I enjoyed the suspence, I read all Steven King books I could get my hands on and loved them, I wasn't bothered by horror when I was 8. Now I'm 28 and my roommate has to sit with me at the kitchen at 3AM and explain how the movie plot wouldn't even work in the real world to get me to stop acting crazy and babble that I need to be dead immediately so that I will never have to leave the house and deal with other humans, because other humans are terrifying. Because of a stupid movie that isn't even a good thriller for duck's sake.
I dare any person that even said that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" to explain this shit to me, because I sure don't understand what the hell happened to me.
I guess at the proud age of 28 I've got to start avoiding any non-PG content so that I don't get too upset. Impressive.

Hugs. This is the reason why I stopped watching scary movies at 16. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[throwaway123]

Just got down with a cold...this is it. The moment I'm better I'm doing it. I won't fucking wait any longer to end this nightmare.

 

[KleinerWolf]

My fucking tooth hurts so bad that it's stronger than the urges to commit suicide wtf.

P.S. hopefully I get money from daddy to have my tooth fixed soon, fuck my life.

 

[http-410]

Health care services are a joke.

I can't and won't wait a year or longer.

 

[waterstrider]

Ate some bread - now I'm even more hungry than before.
Sucks to be used to fasting for so long.
I could crawl up the walls.
Nothing ever fills me up except for alcohol...I guess.

 

[Fehler]

I never thought I would be so happy to the confirmation of my SN order.

My fucking tooth hurts so bad that it's stronger than the urges to commit suicide wtf.

Tooth pain is the worst, im sorry :(. I'm lucky to have "decent" oral health but 4 years ago I fainted and fell flat on my face. The 2 front teeth blew off in several pieces.
I was convulsing for a while (I don't know exactly when) but during this time my 2 co-workers who were in front of me called an ambulance.
The funny thing was when they told the ambulance that they didn't know me, that they found me on the ground. The thing is that I had a streak of almost 20 hours worked that day
(plus what I had been dragging) with small breaks in between and they did not want to have a mess, with that they already gave me to understand that I said that I was outside my working hours (lie) so that it was not something company insurance.
Al the end the teeth caps cost me practically 2 month of work , but at least they are quite decent.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Stood up all night due to toothache
Hopefully when my dad transfer me some emergency funds I can visit the dentist this afternoon, either get some filler or some sort of needed surgery treatment