I'm just in a mood and feel like word vomiting so warning LONG rant ahead from the my suicidal over used benzo mind:
Breif history about me- I had a emotionally distant father growing up and an over smothering mother so I never developed a sense of identity, I endured religion abuse in a christian school, I constantly saw anger and fighting growing up, I was bullied for severe acne and being different from middle school to highschool until magically I looked " attractive" at age 18 (despite my low self esteem. 18-22 were the best years of my life .. good relationship, carefree, worry free, no adult responsibility. At 22 I go into a relationship with man who was physically ill and we were homeless a lot, meds and alcohol caused him to be abuseive,he publicly apologized his faults and I forgave him and wanted to marry him again recently but he tragically died. I met a another narcissist who ruined my life and raped med when I had no birth control. I became pregnant and decided to keep her but she died before birth. He wasn't there to support me as I held my dead child in my arms he was out whoring around. He was mentally, physical and sexual abusive and cheated twice, and stole 2 thousand from me. I cannot get over the death of my child or the death of my beloved dog that soon followed. I have Asperger's, C- ptsd, severe depression, anxiety, apathy, borderline personality, dependant personality, severe insomnia, IBS, tinnitus, chronic fibromyalgia pain. These are not easy fix issues most have no cure and prevent the person from living a decent life. These are just short summary of why I want to ctb...it goes much deeper.
Now my rant or sorts:
Why are my problems, grief, sorrow, and mental physical condition not valid according to society?? I am NOT under any circumstances taking a jab at anyone or downplaying anyone's suffering because all our reasons and pain IS valid...but I truly don't understand why just because my ex fiance died I'm treated as less by society vs someone who's husband/wife died. Again this has Nothing to do with people here and their behavior but society's attitude towards it. If I had a "legal piece of paper" stating I married him then it would be tragic but since he was just a fiance I receive the "get over it, and date again" advice. I would have 100% been married to him if their hadn't been paperwork issues and then it all got put off because of his deteriorating health and our homelessness. Society doesn't seem to grasp that love is love, pain is pain and grief is grief despite having some piece of paper, a title and government benefits married vs unmarried get. I grieve, I hurt, I cannot get past his death or the death of my child...but yet I get treated as if my pain isn't as valid because we weren't "technically" married. Let me stress again this is society I'm mad at no one on ss has expressed this to me. Everyone grieves differently..just because one person can "get over" something doesn't mean another can. I cannot get over his death or my child's death ..it's just as real, painful, and heartbreaking and valid as a widowers pain... BOTH our pain is valid. I simply cannot accept having to find someone else and date again when my mind wants one person only. Plus no one would want someone with severe emotional baggage like I have. I don't understand why people talk about loving your self first or self love when I want only one person and I cannot just extract myself from these feelings. I bonded with him and I could care less about starting over.
Now moving on to the next issue. My age. Just because I am 28 doesn't mean I can recover, get better or lead a tolerable life. I have been suicidal since about 14. I have been stuck trying desperately to improve my life for years now with the past 6 years being unbearable hell. My situation isn't a temporary problem it's life long. I'm like a square trying to fit in a round hole. I'm not suited to live in this socially driven world. Now back to my original point of my age...society seems to think that my age is too young and there is always options or ways out...well if you live in a red state in the US there is literally no options vs what blue state people have available. Red state people like me can't get medicaid which would at least lessen my burden...but nope... red state people get faced with debt, suffering or death if they get a serious condition that requires treatment (also no I cant move) Also Take the pph people for example...they require the person to be at least 50 before joining, it's as if someones problems in the 20s or 30s aren't valid. Many of us have had life long suffering, mental problems and yet be are denied assisted euthanasia because of age and mental issues. I don't get it why my age determines the amount of suffering I must go thru before my pain is valid. Severe abuse and trauma doesn't discriminate and effects the young equally as the old. It's so disheartening to realize society will prevent me at every turn based off my age alone....sure it *could* get better but my life has gotten exponentially worse due to failing miserably at being an adult with responsibility and social pressures to have good stable job, a relationship and or be married all because of my age I get dismissed like my abuse, pain, trauma and condition can somehow magically be over come.
Next topic is exestinal nihilism and general boredom of life. To me life is a wholly pointless endeavor...a means to and end. We work, we live, we die. Working my life away just to pay bills, insurance, healthcare costs and home costs just isn't enough to keep me alive. My would be husband died ..my child died before birth so I have no reasons to keep going. Yes I was supposed to have a daughter but it happend due to someone forcing themselves on me and No I do not want to "try again" I'm antinatalist now. I cannot conceive of bringing life into this world now with ALL my issues just so I have a purpose and not lonely. Quite frankly I'm bored with life...I take no enjoyment in anything I used to, I have no ambition, goals or dreams. It's a just pointless to me...in a few year no one will ever know I existed. I cannot work due to my long list of various conditions but working bring me nothing but added stress and heartache...to me working is pointless and I rather die than be a wage slave mindlessly toiling away because "that just what you have to do, what society say you have to do". For me it's pointless...a life of a wage slave is not one I want to sign up for.
My next topic is mental "illness" stigma. From my personal observation mental illness is dismissed and not taken as seriously by drs. Mental patients are dismissed, it's all in our head, here is an ssri. If we could Freely talk about our feelings with out fear of being put in psychiatric prison, have a guaranteed job, free healthcare, a livable wage, and safe affordable housing where a rent cap is set then that would be steps in the right direction for suicide prevention...sure it won't solve everything but it's a start better than what we have now.
Next topic the "conventionally attractive" I'm just going to come out and say it..being conventionally attractive spares no one from suicide. I was called beautiful but my beauty has gotten me nothing but, used, abused and lied to. Where I become miserable brainwashed into the line of thinking that my purpose is just to serve someone else with my looks and sexual favors. Looks don't fix mental/physical issues. Some argue that good looks help but I guess I'm just personally jaded. All my cousins are less conventionally attractive yet they are married, leading good stable lives and are able to live. By the way I have horrible self esteem about my looks due to past drug use, and weight concerns...I look worn down and tired now..not pretty and full of life.
Next topic...my inability to work due to various things... Asperger's, c- ptsd, anxiety, chronic pain...so therefore money becomes the rootof my issues at the end of the day. If I had money I would postpone ctb until it felt right vs being forced into it. Society just sees a young woman who can walk and talk so therefore I magically must be able to hold a steady job and take care of myself.
These things were weighting I my mind...the rantings of a suicidal mind I'm too afraid to share else where. If I may make a special request I don't want to argue semantics here...this is just a personal vent and anyone can feel free to vent away and share their story...I should just make this a thread in offtopic I guess.
Breif history about me- I had a emotionally distant father growing up and an over smothering mother so I never developed a sense of identity, I endured religion abuse in a christian school, I constantly saw anger and fighting growing up, I was bullied for severe acne and being different from middle school to highschool until magically I looked " attractive" at age 18 (despite my low self esteem. 18-22 were the best years of my life .. good relationship, carefree, worry free, no adult responsibility. At 22 I go into a relationship with man who was physically ill and we were homeless a lot, meds and alcohol caused him to be abuseive,he publicly apologized his faults and I forgave him and wanted to marry him again recently but he tragically died. I met a another narcissist who ruined my life and raped med when I had no birth control. I became pregnant and decided to keep her but she died before birth. He wasn't there to support me as I held my dead child in my arms he was out whoring around. He was mentally, physical and sexual abusive and cheated twice, and stole 2 thousand from me. I cannot get over the death of my child or the death of my beloved dog that soon followed. I have Asperger's, C- ptsd, severe depression, anxiety, apathy, borderline personality, dependant personality, severe insomnia, IBS, tinnitus, chronic fibromyalgia pain. These are not easy fix issues most have no cure and prevent the person from living a decent life. These are just short summary of why I want to ctb...it goes much deeper.
Now my rant or sorts:
Why are my problems, grief, sorrow, and mental physical condition not valid according to society?? I am NOT under any circumstances taking a jab at anyone or downplaying anyone's suffering because all our reasons and pain IS valid...but I truly don't understand why just because my ex fiance died I'm treated as less by society vs someone who's husband/wife died. Again this has Nothing to do with people here and their behavior but society's attitude towards it. If I had a "legal piece of paper" stating I married him then it would be tragic but since he was just a fiance I receive the "get over it, and date again" advice. I would have 100% been married to him if their hadn't been paperwork issues and then it all got put off because of his deteriorating health and our homelessness. Society doesn't seem to grasp that love is love, pain is pain and grief is grief despite having some piece of paper, a title and government benefits married vs unmarried get. I grieve, I hurt, I cannot get past his death or the death of my child...but yet I get treated as if my pain isn't as valid because we weren't "technically" married. Let me stress again this is society I'm mad at no one on ss has expressed this to me. Everyone grieves differently..just because one person can "get over" something doesn't mean another can. I cannot get over his death or my child's death ..it's just as real, painful, and heartbreaking and valid as a widowers pain... BOTH our pain is valid. I simply cannot accept having to find someone else and date again when my mind wants one person only. Plus no one would want someone with severe emotional baggage like I have. I don't understand why people talk about loving your self first or self love when I want only one person and I cannot just extract myself from these feelings. I bonded with him and I could care less about starting over.
Now moving on to the next issue. My age. Just because I am 28 doesn't mean I can recover, get better or lead a tolerable life. I have been suicidal since about 14. I have been stuck trying desperately to improve my life for years now with the past 6 years being unbearable hell. My situation isn't a temporary problem it's life long. I'm like a square trying to fit in a round hole. I'm not suited to live in this socially driven world. Now back to my original point of my age...society seems to think that my age is too young and there is always options or ways out...well if you live in a red state in the US there is literally no options vs what blue state people have available. Red state people like me can't get medicaid which would at least lessen my burden...but nope... red state people get faced with debt, suffering or death if they get a serious condition that requires treatment (also no I cant move) Also Take the pph people for example...they require the person to be at least 50 before joining, it's as if someones problems in the 20s or 30s aren't valid. Many of us have had life long suffering, mental problems and yet be are denied assisted euthanasia because of age and mental issues. I don't get it why my age determines the amount of suffering I must go thru before my pain is valid. Severe abuse and trauma doesn't discriminate and effects the young equally as the old. It's so disheartening to realize society will prevent me at every turn based off my age alone....sure it *could* get better but my life has gotten exponentially worse due to failing miserably at being an adult with responsibility and social pressures to have good stable job, a relationship and or be married all because of my age I get dismissed like my abuse, pain, trauma and condition can somehow magically be over come.
Next topic is exestinal nihilism and general boredom of life. To me life is a wholly pointless endeavor...a means to and end. We work, we live, we die. Working my life away just to pay bills, insurance, healthcare costs and home costs just isn't enough to keep me alive. My would be husband died ..my child died before birth so I have no reasons to keep going. Yes I was supposed to have a daughter but it happend due to someone forcing themselves on me and No I do not want to "try again" I'm antinatalist now. I cannot conceive of bringing life into this world now with ALL my issues just so I have a purpose and not lonely. Quite frankly I'm bored with life...I take no enjoyment in anything I used to, I have no ambition, goals or dreams. It's a just pointless to me...in a few year no one will ever know I existed. I cannot work due to my long list of various conditions but working bring me nothing but added stress and heartache...to me working is pointless and I rather die than be a wage slave mindlessly toiling away because "that just what you have to do, what society say you have to do". For me it's pointless...a life of a wage slave is not one I want to sign up for.
My next topic is mental "illness" stigma. From my personal observation mental illness is dismissed and not taken as seriously by drs. Mental patients are dismissed, it's all in our head, here is an ssri. If we could Freely talk about our feelings with out fear of being put in psychiatric prison, have a guaranteed job, free healthcare, a livable wage, and safe affordable housing where a rent cap is set then that would be steps in the right direction for suicide prevention...sure it won't solve everything but it's a start better than what we have now.
Next topic the "conventionally attractive" I'm just going to come out and say it..being conventionally attractive spares no one from suicide. I was called beautiful but my beauty has gotten me nothing but, used, abused and lied to. Where I become miserable brainwashed into the line of thinking that my purpose is just to serve someone else with my looks and sexual favors. Looks don't fix mental/physical issues. Some argue that good looks help but I guess I'm just personally jaded. All my cousins are less conventionally attractive yet they are married, leading good stable lives and are able to live. By the way I have horrible self esteem about my looks due to past drug use, and weight concerns...I look worn down and tired now..not pretty and full of life.
Next topic...my inability to work due to various things... Asperger's, c- ptsd, anxiety, chronic pain...so therefore money becomes the rootof my issues at the end of the day. If I had money I would postpone ctb until it felt right vs being forced into it. Society just sees a young woman who can walk and talk so therefore I magically must be able to hold a steady job and take care of myself.
These things were weighting I my mind...the rantings of a suicidal mind I'm too afraid to share else where. If I may make a special request I don't want to argue semantics here...this is just a personal vent and anyone can feel free to vent away and share their story...I should just make this a thread in offtopic I guess.
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