Here's my letter to the Universe, or the invisible force that controls everything.
Dear Universe,
Hello, it is me again. There are several reasons why I still go to this website---boredom, random insights, no one to talk to in real life, but don't forget the main reason I joined. I can still feel the pain and while there are times when I am okay, the main problem isn't gone.
May I request you to not let anyone or anything stop me from pushing through my suicidal plans, because that always seems to happen. Apparently you can use everything to intervene. However, those things do not last long, and I will feel the pain once again. I always think that I should've used that opportunity when it was still there. Now I can't schedule my CTB within the lockdown.
Let's start with January 31. The person I love (let's call him Person C) has said something that hurt me indirectly and that triggered me to CTB. I told him about this and he walked me to my next class while letting me talk about my feelings. During my break I used that time to chat about random things since we don't see each other anymore in class. He was calm and patient towards me. After talking to him, my suicidal thoughts stopped and I cancelled my plan of partial hanging after school.
February 18. I gave myself a week to prepare for another CTB plan. My Theology professor discussed about logical fallacies and that "what is true in the mind might not be true in reality". C told me about how the words "friend" and "best friend" were just labels to him. He's the type of person to be satisfied with whatever his friends think about him. So yeah another cancelled CTB date. UGH.
???. Made another plan on my birthday to CTB after the lockdown. What triggered me was the fact that none of my closer friends greeted me and that it caused me to think that they never really cared about me at all (Actually some did, just very very late). I talked to C about this and he listened to me without judgement. Yes, I feel safe talking to him about my issues. Once again, another CTB plan cancelled.
Do you fucking realize the pattern that's fucking me up? I wanted to CTB because C doesn't "love" me back, and yet you use him to stop my plans. Seriously, what the fuck are you trying to achieve here? CAN YOU JUST STOP intervening when I already made up my mind? You are 100% fully aware that this person doesn't love me at all right? What I am experiencing is NOT TRUE LOVE, will you just shut up about "you already have what you are seeking". Do you NOT UNDERSTAND that this pain has taken a toll on me already? I skipped classes, overspent, overslept, overate because of it. And no, don't let me wait till graduation or my trip to Japan to find the love that I desire. It's causing me stress already just to be someone I'm not for the sake of attracting a partner.
The pain isn't stopping, no matter how hard I try. Just let me CTB. Why do you make me suicidal then cancel my plans when I already made them? The next stage in Arknights is the fun part where you can use a push/pull operator to bully the annoying Crownslayer. I swear that it's a lot like how you treat me.
So that concludes it. I will do my best to push through my CTB plans. If I can't do it after the lockdown, then there's still after graduation. I really wish I didn't have to do this, but I need to. I can't live a normal life with this heavy heart.
Sincerely,
BabyYoda
