Rage quitting the game of life today

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm honestly surprised they won't give you something to help you sleep. I've been in mixed bipolar episodes (all the joys of depression and mania wrapped into one) while hospalized on a number of occasions and would never have slept without sleeping medications. Sleep is essential to recovery from any condition medical or mental and lack of sleep aggravates most mental conditions. Have you tried insisting they give you something?

They give me Ativan already. It doesn't do much for me because I'm a bartard. Oh, the fun of being a functional drug user.

 

[CatLvr]

Hey!! I hope you are feeling a little better today/tonight oof my insomnia is screwing with me lol. I'm glad they got you a shower. Finally.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Hey!! I hope you are feeling a little better today/tonight oof my insomnia is screwing with me lol. I'm glad they got you a shower. Finally.

I really needed that shower after puking on myself multiple times lmao. Changing the paper gown and getting cleaned with baby wipes was… not it.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Growing up, I didn't really have any good role models. I didn't know what I wanted to be like; only what I didn't want to be like. I still let myself turn out to be like the people I hated though. And I'm not really sure how to fix that.

I was transferred to the medical ward last night because I started feeling really sick. Because I can't have any outside food, and the meal replacement drinks make me puke too, idk what the solution is going to be but whatever solution they have is probably not going to be pleasant.

This morning they woke me up to let me know that they were going to extend my stay for another week, past the initial 72 hours. Talk about a rude awakening lmao. I don't know if it's possible to fight in court and even if it was, I feel like I won't have the mental energy to do that.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. And, it's not about letting yourself turn out a certain way. If that way, is normal, or the only way you know through conditioning via the environement in which you were raised (would need to relearn, a new one).

You've been at this game, a long time then (10 yrs.), and so... it seems, like my friend - that you are - unfortunatly, a pro. I mean, she was quite the perfectionist. And I suppose that this was one way of her controlling things, to a certain extent. I believe the way she overcame it--though this took quite a while as she was in her mid twenties when this was all going down (that I knew her best). Was that she turned to, and became, a marathon runner. Which, in a way, is also another thing that can I suppose be channeled or thought of in the same regard, perhaps?

So you were saying that it's only been like a year that you've begun to acknowledge, & process your previous SA from growing up. . . So, in a way, this is kind of like "Brand New," to you. Just in terms of, it becoming more recognizable or in the conscious part, or portion of your mind. So you haven't really had a long time to address it. And start to work through, or past it. But my whole point being, it's really been a relatively short-period of time where / or when -- however, there is also this (that happens to be in my eyes, or mind, also true); & that is, that it has still been present in & within you. It'sjust that it has instead been repressed, and stuffed down deep inside of you. So that, it is still affecting you then.

And also, making a difference, and making an impact, on you & your life. Whether your aware of it, or not. And sometimes, I find, that these things can happen to tend to come out sideways, as well. When it comes to behaviors, that may not be necessarily in great control of, or have the slightest inkling as to their genesis. But what do I know?! Hope you're doing reasonably o.k., today.

 

[Thanatox]

Jk lol but it's probably only 1 step above prison food.

Well, right now for you hospital is not that far from a prison anyways lol

Glad you were able to get a shower!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I rolled over and accidentally ripped out my IV. So I'm cordless now. Told the nurse about it but they're not in a rush to put a new one in because my vitals are stable at the moment and my blood work last night looked ok. Now I gotta try and sleep again.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. And, it's not about letting yourself turn out a certain way. If that way, is normal, or the only way you know through conditioning via the environement in which you were raised (would need to relearn, a new one).

You've been at this game, a long time then (10 yrs.), and so... it seems, like my friend - that you are - unfortunatly, a pro. I mean, she was quite the perfectionist. And I suppose that this was one way of her controlling things, to a certain extent. I believe the way she overcame it--though this took quite a while as she was in her mid twenties when this was all going down (that I knew her best). Was that she turned to, and became, a marathon runner. Which, in a way, is also another thing that can I suppose be channeled or thought of in the same regard, perhaps?

So you were saying that it's only been like a year that you've begun to acknowledge, & process your previous SA from growing up. . . So, in a way, this is kind of like "Brand New," to you. Just in terms of, it becoming more recognizable or in the conscious part, or portion of your mind. So you haven't really had a long time to address it. And start to work through, or past it. But my whole point being, it's really been a relatively short-period of time where / or when -- however, there is also this (that happens to be in my eyes, or mind, also true); & that is, that it has still been present in & within you. It'sjust that it has instead been repressed, and stuffed down deep inside of you. So that, it is still affecting you then.

And also, making a difference, and making an impact, on you & your life. Whether your aware of it, or not. And sometimes, I find, that these things can happen to tend to come out sideways, as well. When it comes to behaviors, that may not be necessarily in great control of, or have the slightest inkling as to their genesis. But what do I know?! Hope you're doing reasonably o.k., today.

You're right about the perfectionism. For a while I replaced one body obsession with another and slowly got from being dangerously underweight to being in the lower end of the normal range, because my friend got me into rock climbing. It's a sport that requires both physical and mental strength for sure. Being obsessed with fitness and progression at my chosen sport is the lesser of two evils but at the end of the day I'm arguably even more insane than before. It's like I'm swinging like a pendulum between obsessive control and utter chaos, with no way to actually be somewhere in between.

I heard a theory about how repressed memories only appear once someone feels safe enough to process those memories. I would say that the timeline for my PTSD onset matches up with what that theory suggests.

Honestly, the anxiety is coming back with a vengeance at the moment and the amount of Ativan that they're able to give me doesn't help much (although it's still better than nothing). I think that the next week or so is probably going to be boring though. I don't know if I'll have to go to a court hearing or anything like that but I don't have a lawyer and I won't have the mental energy to actually be physically there anyways.

Well, right now for you hospital is not that far from a prison anyways lol

Glad you were able to get a shower!

Damn, you right.

 

[Soupster]

Aloha! Just checking in on you. How's your stay treating you?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It fucking sucks to see someone who went through similar traumatic experiences and had a similar upbringing decide to CTB. I was really hoping that they would change their mind about CTB. So many people who have severe PTSD from being repeatedly sexually abused at a young age kill themselves or get addicted to drugs and go off the deep end completely. I know it's possible to survive and live a relatively normal life, but to this day I haven't met a single person in real life or on the internet who could do it. So I know it's possible in theory. But I wish there was actual proof.

I have a bad case of survivors guilt right now. I don't know why I'm still here and I don't know how I've been able to be relatively functional up until I got admitted to the psych ward. One day maybe I'm also just going to lose my will to fight and disappear as well. I don't think I can be the one who actually proves that it's possible to not only survive but live a relatively normal life with severe PTSD.

 

[Soupster]

It fucking sucks to see someone who went through similar traumatic experiences and had a similar upbringing decide to CTB. I was really hoping that they would change their mind about CTB. So many people who have severe PTSD from being repeatedly sexually abused at a young age kill themselves or get addicted to drugs and go off the deep end completely. I know it's possible to survive and live a relatively normal life, but to this day I haven't met a single person in real life or on the internet who could do it. So I know it's possible in theory. But I wish there was actual proof.

I have a bad case of survivors guilt right now. I don't know why I'm still here and I don't know how I've been able to be relatively functional up until I got admitted to the psych ward. One day maybe I'm also just going to lose my will to fight and disappear as well. I don't think I can be the one who actually proves that it's possible to not only survive but live a relatively normal life with severe PTSD.

I hear you. I don't share the kinship you did to them, but it was still a very tough goodbye with some real asshats exasperating the issue. It was also heartbreaking to see the worry and regret after they took it. I hope they found quick peace or got help. I can't imagine suffering the entire way to the end.

As to your situation I wish I could do more than offer my support and empathy. I was abused, but not sexually, and I know that cause a whole different level of pain and trauma that you didn't deserve. If you ever need to vent please feel free to reach out. No judgement.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I hear you. I don't share the kinship you did to them, but it was still a very tough goodbye with some real asshats exasperating the issue. It was also heartbreaking to see the worry and regret after they took it. I hope they found quick peace or got help. I can't imagine suffering the entire way to the end.

As to your situation I wish I could do more than offer my support and empathy. I was abused, but not sexually, and I know that cause a whole different level of pain and trauma that you didn't deserve. If you ever need to vent please feel free to reach out. No judgement.

I didn't really interact previously with them but I've seen their posts. I know it sounds selfish but I just want to personally witness at least 1 person who went through childhood sexual abuse to recover instead of going off the deep end. If I don't see it happen, how do I know it can be possible for me?

 

[Soupster]

I didn't really interact previously with them but I've seen their posts. I know it sounds selfish but I just want to personally witness at least 1 person who went through childhood sexual abuse to recover instead of going off the deep end. If I don't see it happen, how do I know it can be possible for me?

Like so many things in life, we probably don't get to know it will be possible. It sucks but it's true. Where do we go from there? That's a question you'll have to answer for yourself. I hope you'll continue to try, but will always respect your decision, no matter what it is.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Like so many things in life, we probably don't get to know it will be possible. It sucks but it's true. Where do we go from there? That's a question you'll have to answer for yourself. I hope you'll continue to try, but will always respect your decision, no matter what it is.

I'm about to lose my firearms license and driver's license. The reason they extended my hospital stay was to partly to buy them time, so that they can officially deem me to be unfit to buy guns or drive cars. I won't be able to buy a new setup for hanging that I consider to be reliable enough, in time before I move to a different part of the country to go back to school. And I'm going to be living in dorms there, so it's unlikely that I'll be able to order the supplies I need to CTB. Unfortunately I'm here to stay for a while. You'll be tired of my unfunny jokes in no time.

 

[Soupster]

I'm about to lose my firearms license and driver's license. The reason they extended my hospital stay was to partly to buy them time, so that they can officially deem me to be unfit to buy guns or drive cars. I won't be able to buy a new setup for hanging that I consider to be reliable enough, in time before I move to a different part of the country to go back to school. And I'm going to be living in dorms there, so it's unlikely that I'll be able to order the supplies I need to CTB. Unfortunately I'm here to stay for a while. You'll be tired of my unfunny jokes in no time.

I don't know about that. Lame jokes are my jam.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I don't know about that. Lame jokes are my jam.

What about gallows humor?

If you like that type of shit then you came to the right place.

 

[Ramsay Fiction]

I'm here to insert myself into the conversation to say that I also like lame jokes

 

[Soupster]

What about gallows humor?

If you like that type of shit then you came to the right place.

Honestly the more morbid, the more likely I haven't heard it before... so that's a win. As long as we're having fun with it and not just throwing salt on a wound.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm here to insert myself into the conversation to say that I also like lame jokes

I actually have seen this shit happen in real life. Memes imitate life. No one sees that type of stuff and still has a normal sense of humour lol.

Honestly the more morbid, the more likely I haven't heard it before... so that's a win. As long as we're having fun with it and not just throwing salt on a wound.

I have an EMT license and unofficially work first aid at private lounges owned by a gangster, on nights when I'm not bartending. They realized that it's pretty convenient to pay me a gooooooooooooood hourly rate to deal with overdoses on the spot, or bring the overdosing person a couple blocks down the street to call an ambulance. No one is allowed to call an ambulance to the lounge because the police might show up too, and if that happens then everyone is busted. It's dangerous and I've come close to being shot while at work. I worked this gig for a couple years because of passive suicidality. So if you want gallows humour, I can supply you with stories that are almost as good as the crack that they smoke in the lounges.

 

[Soupster]

View attachment 147885

I actually have seen this shit happen in real life. Memes imitate life. No one sees that type of stuff and still has a normal sense of humour lol.

I have an EMT license and unofficially work first aid at private lounges owned by a gangster, on nights when I'm not bartending. They realized that it's pretty convenient to pay me a gooooooooooooood hourly rate to deal with overdoses on the spot, or bring the overdosing person a couple blocks down the street to call an ambulance. No one is allowed to call an ambulance to the lounge because the police might show up too, and if that happens then everyone is busted. It's dangerous and I've come close to being shot while at work. I worked this gig for a couple years because of passive suicidality. So if you want gallows humour, I can supply you with stories that are almost as good as crack.

Honestly, I'm not going to lie, kind of jealous of your job. And considering both our dispositions getting shot on the job would be.. "tragic". I carry and have used narcan a number of times. I just wish I had been warned the first time that they might pop up swinging.

 

[Ramsay Fiction]

There's often truth in jest and I've realized that a lot of unhinged humor (especially my own) really does imitate life. Luckily a lot of normal people think it's funny, too. The gallows humor is usually more hit or miss, it's obviously wholly dependent on who I am talking to

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Honestly, I'm not going to lie, kind of jealous of your job. And considering both our dispositions getting shot on the job would be.. "tragic". I carry and have used narcan a number of times. I just wish I had been warned the first time that they might pop up swinging.

I told a few of my friends who are EMTs or paramedics about my unofficial job and they say that they don't know whether to be envious or horrified.

If I have to give narcan, I'll ask people to hold someone's arms and legs down first, if possible. I also make sure that I'm in a position where I can move away quickly if I need to. I always make sure nothing is behind me so I can get up and step back immediately, if someone pukes or gets combative.

I'll test people's drugs at the lounge if they tip me as well. There's test strips for that. And I also help with stuff like cutting coke into lines, rolling crack into cigarettes, etc. for tips. Sometimes I walk away with 4 figures in a night. Other times they don't need me to do anything and I just sleep in the back room until a guy brings a working girl in there to buy services, and they kick me out of the room for a bit.

I already live comfortably on the money from my day job but if I rest then I can't distract myself from PTSD.

 

[spirittheyregone]

I hope youre doing okay, Ivr been reading through this thread and your updates and wishing you well, I hope the hospital ends up being not so bad besides the food lol

 

[Lady Laudanum]

There's often truth in jest and I've realized that a lot of unhinged humor (especially my own) really does imitate life. Luckily a lot of normal people think it's funny, too. The gallows humor is usually more hit or miss, it's obviously wholly dependent on who I am talking to

Yeah it's definitely about reading the room. I would not blurt out really fucked up jokes in front of most people. There's not many situations where I can actually just let loose with my jokes. You know what I mean?

 

[Soupster]

I told a few of my friends who are EMTs or paramedics about my unofficial job and they say that they don't know whether to be envious or horrified.

If I have to give narcan, I'll ask people to hold someone's arms and legs down first, if possible. I also make sure that I'm in a position where I can move away quickly if I need to. I always make sure nothing is behind me so I can get up and step back immediately, if someone pukes or gets combative.

I'll test people's drugs at the lounge if they tip me as well. There's test strips for that. And I also help with stuff like cutting coke into lines, rolling crack into cigarettes, etc. for tips. Sometimes I walk away with 4 figures in a night. Other times they don't need me to do anything and I just sleep in the back room until a guy brings a working girl in there to buy services, and they kick me out of the room for a bit.

I already live comfortably on the money from my day job but if I rest then I can't distract myself from PTSD.

That's just wild. My personal experience with 'illegal' drugs is limited to prescription medication abuse. I wouldn't begin to know the rest, but the community I live in has a high incidence of homelessness and drug abuse and narcan is available free at the pharmacy so I always carry it in case need arises.

As to working girls, I'm a bit more familiar with that scene. One of my high school friends is an escort and when she started, at her request, I helped provide security/backup for her. Just being available in case a client got out of hand or was violent. Mostly I just played chauffer and answered texts for her while she was working. But man did she ever have stories to tell.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I hope youre doing okay, Ivr been reading through this thread and your updates and wishing you well, I hope the hospital ends up being not so bad besides the food lol

This has been my least crazy stint in the hospital so far, but I've been completely cooperative this time. In the past I've done stuff like ripping out IVs on purpose, breaking restraints and forcing them to bring out the thick leather straps, punching the walls, etc. and it only made things more prolonged and more traumatic. It's just easier for everyone involved if I don't cause trouble. Healthcare workers have a difficult enough job already and I don't want to be the reason another one decides to switch careers, contributing to the shortage.

 

[Ramsay Fiction]

Yeah it's definitely about reading the room. I would not blurt out really fucked up jokes in front of most people. There's not many situations where I can actually just let loose with my jokes. You know what I mean?

100% know what you mean

 

[Soupster]

This has been my least crazy stint in the hospital so far, but I've been completely cooperative this time. In the past I've done stuff like ripping out IVs on purpose, breaking restraints and forcing them to bring out the thick leather straps, punching the walls, etc. and it only made things more prolonged and more traumatic. It's just easier for everyone involved if I don't cause trouble. Healthcare workers have a difficult enough job already and I don't want to be the reason another one decides to switch careers, contributing to the shortage.

This is what I do when I inevitably end up in my psych stays unless I'm truly so far gone that I am not in control of my faculties. It's rare I get that way though because I have a decent crisis plan and recognize when I'm headed toward one.

Not complying, or making things difficult for the staff really accomplishes nothing for anyone. It just creates more misery for everyone and prolongs your confinement.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

That's just wild. My personal experience with 'illegal' drugs is limited to prescription medication abuse. I wouldn't begin to know the rest, but the community I live in has a high incidence of homelessness and drug abuse and narcan is available free at the pharmacy so I always carry it in case need arises.

As to working girls, I'm a bit more familiar with that scene. One of my high school friends is an escort and when she started, at her request, I helped provide security/backup for her. Just being available in case a client got out of hand or was violent. Mostly I just played chauffer and answered texts for her while she was working. But man did she ever have stories to tell.

I live in a big city where the divide between how rich and poor people live is immense. When I go downtown I'll see people decked out in fine jewelry and bespoke outfits, standing out in stark contrast against people who have fully gone off the deep end with drug abuse and are probably hoping that they don't get saved when they overdose the next time. There's a crazy amount of money in the city I'm from, but there's also so much utter insanity that goes on. I love it and hate it here at the same time. Being here made it possible to make a good living in my early 20s but in order to do that, I had to see too much fucked up shit.

Some of my friends are or used to be strippers/escorts. The golden handcuffs are real. Some of them found a good exit strategy, some are on their way out from the industry, and others are lifers. Out of the lifers, some seem to genuinely enjoy sex work while others have given up hope. It's a crazy world out there. People do what they gotta do to cope, to put food on the table, and ultimately, to survive.

At the lounges, some girls only do lap dances and other girls are ok with selling other services. I'm allowed to sell dances at the lounge too. I don't go up to guys asking if they want a dance, and I literally wear normal clothes when I work there. However, if a guy asks for a dance and hands me the money, I'll still do it. I just don't understand why they want to watch me take off a button down shirt and a pair of work pants. The one time I refused to dance for a guy, he slapped me. After that, I never said no to guys wanting to buy dances ever again. The people in charge at these lounges don't care if I get hurt, so eventually I stopped having qualms about selling occasional lap dances to avoid pissing guys off.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Today's lunch was actually edible even though it was not good. It was a baked potato, steamed vegetables, and a little thing of yogurt. There was also a sausage but it looked too gross to eat. I don't know why but I feel like a glutton for actually finishing most of the food this time. I hate myself for feeling this way. Every time I do something nice for myself that isn't directly related to making more money, I feel so guilty.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

 

[Thanatox]

There was also a sausage but it looked too gross to eat.

This happens to me a lot. You mentioned before that you are normally not a peaky eater. I am, and it sucks cause almost everything makes me want to vomit. I don't like any kind of cheese, pizza, most vegetables and almost every sauce. Even the smell of those things makes me sick. I would like to like those things, but i really can't stand them. So my diet is basically simple pieces of meat and rice. I've recently noticed that I can't eat meat either without retching because it just feels so gross. Sometimes I may like the flavour of something but refuse to eat it just because it seems so fucking gross.

I really hate the concept of hunger. Having to be constantly feeding our mouths to avoid pain and dying, just to be able to eat more, while causing lots of pain and death to others in the process...