Rage quitting the game of life today

[Lady Laudanum]

Taking a bath while having my last drinks and pills sounds like a plan. If I pass out and drown, it's still more than 4 hours until my scheduled message gets sent out, so maybe I won't even have to hang myself in that case. If I manage to have my bath without passing out, then that'll be nice too. It's something that I just want to do for myself. I know that it won't make any difference in a few hours.

@Lady Laudanum I mean, I support your decision and I understand that it sounds like a nightmare, however... You say you "hurt the only person you have ever loved"... Does that person know that you feel that way?

Honestly, I don't know you at all, however, I am just curious, if your partner is like disgusted/done with you? My ex-wife is supporting me and I'm a TOTAL piece of shit, yet I think she still cares.

I have tried placing my handgun in my mouth, it fits nicely, however, I have not had the balls to pull the trigger yet, because I always find myself thinking about the "What if" or "What's next"?.... I'm a trainwreck dear and I am still thinking about what could be? I mean, based on your mind set, I support you, and I 100% understand, however, based on your description of the situation, I don't think anyone would "Not" care/hurt....

My ex said that they never want to see me again for as long as they live. It would be easier on them if they actually hate me at this point. I'm a piece of shit. That's why I got molested as a kid. How could anyone not hate me?


I'm going to sleep for another hour now. After that, I may or may not log back in. I hope that no one misses me.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

The police is knocking on my door. I'm going to open the door before they bust down my door. My balcony is not high enough for me to jump to my death from, but not low enough for me to escape from either. I don't know where I went wrong because I never told anyone in real life what I was planning to do.

 

[Cress]

I know that you're dealing with tremendous pain and you just want that pain to end. Ultimately I respect your decision if you decide to catch the bus and I'm sorry that you reached this point and feel like you don't have any other option.

However I should encourage you to think about how much your suicide will hurt your significant other and ex partner. Even if you haven't talked for a long time your suicide is likely to severely hurt them.

I have a cousin that I've known since he was a small boy. I was always a only child and this cousin was like a surrogate brother to me. We drifted away in the past couple years and only talked occasionally but it's sort of like a son moving away I suppose. He was a lot like me he just like being alone in his room on his computer playing games watching anime and never really asked for a whole lot.

Last November my cousin jumped in front of a train and took his own life. Even 9 months later The pain is still terrible. I was trying to get as much time to pass as possible as people say that eventually it gets better after maybe 6 months. That really hasn't been the case for me. I now understand how people can be in so much pain that they constantly want to be high off of drugs. I'm suicidal all the time and I don't even fully understand why I'm so hurt. I feel completely destroyed. I'm aware of the irony that I wanted to take my own life even before he killed himself. It makes it even more difficult because I'm aware of just how much it can possibly hurt when someone you know takes their own life.

I've had grandparents and stuff pass away and I guess I was sad for a while but this is the first time that I've seen someone's whole story I'm a few years older than my cousin and my entire life I've never experienced seeing someone grow up as a small child and then passing away. It's been intimately traumatic I'm constantly thinking about joining my cousin.

It's hard to know how your suicide will affect someone. I know you said that you were extremely close with this person maybe our situations are totally different but I figured I would share a part of my story to give you something to consider. No one deserves to suffer no matter what you've done in the past. You deserve empathy and compassion just as much as the next person. I wish you nothing but the best in dealing with everything that you have going on. If you ever want someone to talk to you can always DM me.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I sent my scheduled message out 3 hours earlier than I was supposed to because I miscalculated the time difference, since my friend is in a different part of the country. He saw and he sent the police and EMS to my house.

I'm actually an idiot. Instead of 2 hours after I CTB, the message was sent 1 hour before.

I agreed to go to the hospital without putting up a fight because I know it'll only make the whole experience more traumatizing if I resist. I don't know what's going to happen after this but I have my phone for now.

I already had my noose tied up and ready, and I couldn't take it down and hide the rope in time because the police said they were going to bust down the door if I didn't open up right away. I also already put signs up on the wall saying "caution: dead body" too. There is no way I can weasel my way out of a 72 hour hold.

This isn't my first rodeo, unfortunately. I've found that if I don't resist, it makes the hospitalization much easier on me. I got through triage already and because I'm medically stable, they're having a security guard keep an eye on me while I wait to see what happens next. At this point there is nothing I can do, except just sit still. I know from personal experience that trying to escape means I'll likely be tackled, sedated, and face a longer hospital stay.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I hope everything goes well for you from now on.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I hope everything goes well for you from now on.

There's chance that my firearms license and my drivers' license are going to be suspended or revoked, if I'm admitted to the psych ward. And the odds are stacked against me, based on the evidence that was obvious to police and EMS.

I don't own any guns at the moment and if I lose my drivers' license, there's no way I can get myself to a bridge. None of the bridges that are high enough are accessible by pedestrians, where I live. I have no interest in potentially causing a car accident by running through traffic on highways, because I can't bear to put others in danger. I can't ask an Uber driver to drop me off on a bridge either.

I don't know how things are going to pan out. I'm supposed to be going back to school in September and I'll be living in dorms so it's unlikely I'll be able to successfully order SN. It looks like I had one chance and I blew it with a miscalculation because I was drunk and high. Ironic, considering that I'm going back to school for a major that has a lot of math.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

It looks like I had one chance and I blew it with a miscalculation because I was drunk and high. Ironic, considering that I'm going back to school for a major that has a lot of math.

That sounds like me lmao. I also attempted a few years ago, and ended up finishing a degree in math a couple years later.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

That sounds like me lmao. I also attempted a few years ago, and ended up finishing a degree in math a couple years later.

I'm not doing a math degree. Not saying exactly what my major is going to be, for the sake of privacy. But it would be considered applied math.

Math has always been my best subject. My dad was a researcher who started a decently successful business later on. He taught me well, but fucked me up in every other way possible.

I used to hate math because I hated my dad and everything that had to do with him. However, as I became an adult, I learned to appreciate math as a universal language that everyone in the world speaks.

 

[fleetingnight]

It's so easy to make a mistake like that (though very unfortunate) Not only cause of drugs and alcohol, but there was a lot else preoccupying your mind. Ik it doesn't change anything, but I don't think you're stupid for it

I hope everything goes over as smoothly as it can. I don't see how they could justify taking your liscense over a method that had nothing to do with cars, so I hope no one even considers that

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It's so easy to make a mistake like that (though very unfortunate) Not only cause of drugs and alcohol, but there was a lot else preoccupying your mind. Ik it doesn't change anything, but I don't think you're stupid for it

I hope everything goes over as smoothly as it can. I don't see how they could justify taking your liscense over a method that had nothing to do with cars, so I hope no one even considers that

They're admitting me to the psych ward for real. Hopefully they'll let me keep my phone, because I've been cooperative and acting calm toward the staff at the hospital. I've been to the psych ward enough times to reach the conclusion that resisting is completely pointless. I was also fully cooperative with EMS staff because I myself have an EMT license and I know what happens to patients who try to fight them (spoiler alert: usually ketamine).

Where I live, it's possible for psychiatrists to make a report to the place where I got my drivers' license, and get my license suspended. Because the police came to my house, there's a chance that they'll look into whether I have a firearms license and suspend or revoke that too. I hope that won't happen though, because that'll severely limit my future options for CTB.

My climbing rope, the hardware I used to make my anchor, and my pull-up bar (the kind that fits over my door frame) were confiscated as evidence. I even tested my setup by doing a couple of pull-ups while grabbing the hardware instead of the bar itself, and it felt solid. I likely won't be getting any of those back. I likely won't be able to order another setup that'll arrive in time before I move to a different city either.

The staff at the hospital already took my clothes and got me to change into a paper gown as a precaution, even though I'm fully cooperating with them. I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get, because the lights are always on and it's so bright here. I'm in a bed right beside the window in the nurses station. Idk whether it's because there are no normal beds at the moment, because they need to keep an eye on me, or what else. But there are other patients around me who are kinda freaking me out.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get, because the lights are always on and it's so bright here. I'm in a bed right beside the window in the nurses station. Idk whether it's because there are no normal beds at the moment, because they need to keep an eye on me, or what else. But there are other patients around me who are kinda freaking me out.

Yeah some patients are unfortunately going to be annoying, they have their own struggles. This period of your life will hopefully pass. In case they take your phone, I wish you all the best for the coming days.

Do you know for how long you're being admitted?

 

[dreamcatcher90]

just download stardew valley and start farming. another game :)

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry for what happened with the attempt and being admitted to the psych hospital. I hope your stay is quick and calm. Keep us updated if you can, when you can. I wish you all the best

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Yeah some patients are unfortunately going to be annoying, they have their own struggles. This period of your life will hopefully pass. In case they take your phone, I wish you all the best for the coming days.

Do you know for how long you're being admitted?

I don't mean that other patients are annoying. But a couple of them are actually scaring me and making me uncomfortable by commenting on my appearance and asking me if I'm single. I told the nurses about it and hopefully they'll be able to actually get me a room. For now though, I'm too scared to try and sleep.

They're not taking my phone but if I want to charge it then I have to leave it at the nurses station, so that I can't try to electrocute myself or something like that.

It'll most likely be a 72 hour hold. Because I'm medically stable (was drunk and high but nowhere near a level that would cause acute medical issues) and cooperative with the staff, they likely won't keep me there for longer than they're legally obligated to.

just download stardew valley and start farming. another game :)

Stardew valley is cronge. On the other hand, crosswords or sudoku might be a good idea haha.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm not getting a room to myself tonight but they agreed to have a security guard sit in a chair beside me for the whole night. They're being surprisingly accommodating at the psych ward. However, that might be because I'm not being difficult this time like I was during past admissions.

I think I can try to sleep a bit, but the lights are really bright so it'll be difficult. My phone is dying and I need to charge it, so I'm handing it over at the nurses station for the next few hours.

 

[maniac116]

There's chance that my firearms license and my drivers' license are going to be suspended or revoked, if I'm admitted to the psych ward. And the odds are stacked against me, based on the evidence that was obvious to police and EMS.

I don't own any guns at the moment and if I lose my drivers' license, there's no way I can get myself to a bridge. None of the bridges that are high enough are accessible by pedestrians, where I live. I have no interest in potentially causing a car accident by running through traffic on highways, because I can't bear to put others in danger. I can't ask an Uber driver to drop me off on a bridge either.

I don't know how things are going to pan out. I'm supposed to be going back to school in September and I'll be living in dorms so it's unlikely I'll be able to successfully order SN. It looks like I had one chance and I blew it with a miscalculation because I was drunk and high. Ironic, considering that I'm going back to school for a major that has a lot of math.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Not sure why my post just got quoted randomly, but ok haha.

I managed to get some sleep. Was given some Ativan after waking up because I'm a nervous wreck. Today the psychiatrist and social worker are probably going to come in and talk to me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to be honest about why I wanted to kill myself. I'm afraid that they'll find it to be funny, or worse yet, I'm afraid that they'll think I'm a fraud.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Not sure why my post just got quoted randomly, but ok haha.

I managed to get some sleep. Was given some Ativan after waking up because I'm a nervous wreck. Today the psychiatrist and social worker are probably going to come in and talk to me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to be honest about why I wanted to kill myself. I'm afraid that they'll find it to be funny, or worse yet, I'm afraid that they'll think I'm a fraud.

Let's hope they won't. You should be sincere, but you don't have to be 100% honest if you don't want to. If you told them that you miscalculated the message then they should believe you.

 

[Crazyturtle777]

Please just try to delay it for as long as possible... you can get through it a

I somehow didn't dare, but I would advise you the same. Just wait a few days. It's pretty rare that people say that here.

Not sure why my post just got quoted randomly, but ok haha.

I managed to get some sleep. Was given some Ativan after waking up because I'm a nervous wreck. Today the psychiatrist and social worker are probably going to come in and talk to me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to be honest about why I wanted to kill myself. I'm afraid that they'll find it to be funny, or worse yet, I'm afraid that they'll think I'm a fraud.

Are u in hospital ? Honestly, don't know where u live. But I wouldn't tell them..

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Let's hope they won't. You should be sincere, but you don't have to be 100% honest if you don't want to. If you told them that you miscalculated the message then they should believe you.

Whatever keeps me from being forced to stay for longer than the mandatory 72 hour hold, I guess.

I somehow didn't dare, but I would advise you the same. Just wait a few days. It's pretty rare that people say that here.

Are u in hospital ? Honestly, don't know where u live. But I wouldn't tell them..

I'm in the hospital right now. It was obvious that I was going to attempt suicide because my noose was already set up, I already had signs posted on the walls saying "caution: dead body," and my note was accidentally delivered to my friend too early because of a dumb af miscalculation. There's no way I can get away with saying I'm not suicidal. The staff in the psych ward are not stupid.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I know that people in this thread have said multiple times that I'm a good person, but I'm really not. If I was a good person, I would not have ended up hurting the only person in the world who ever loved me. For their own sake, it would be better for them if they hate me and no longer care if I live or die. I know that there's a good chance they'll find out, even if I don't leave them any note and specifically tell people to not let them know. They're not stupid and if I completely stop making any attempts to get in touch with them for an extended period of time, they'll figure it out even if they don't find an obituary anywhere. So I hope that I've hurt them so badly that they're happy about me dying.

Good people don't exist. People are too complex to be categorized as either good or bad. You hurt them but that doesn't make you some horrible monster, that just makes you human. Everybody has hurt somebody in their life before. It's inevitable. You shouldn't beat yourself up over the inevitable. All you can do is learn from that experience, move on, and try your best to not to repeat the mistake.

 

[Crazyturtle777]

Whatever keeps me from being forced to stay for longer than the mandatory 72 hour hold, I guess.



I'm in the hospital right now. It was obvious that I was going to attempt suicide because my noose was already set up, I already had signs posted on the walls saying "caution: dead body," and my note was accidentally delivered to my friend too early because of a dumb af miscalculation. There's no way I can get away with saying I'm not suicidal. The staff in the psych ward are not stupid.

Ok then you should be honest. In this case, I'd tell them everything, if you... Maybe you find mental help there.
Don't judge me for asking, but why are you there ? Just because of a mental crisis or other things like drugs ?
I went several times to the psych, but always because of drug withdrawal. If this should be the case, then it is ususal, that you are very depressed in the beginning...
If you need someone to talk to you can DM me here.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Good people don't exist. People are too complex to be categorized as either good or bad. You hurt them but that doesn't make you some horrible monster, that just makes you human. Everybody has hurt somebody in their life before. It's inevitable. You shouldn't beat yourself up over the inevitable. All you can do is learn from that experience, move on, and try your best to not to repeat the mistake.

I just hope that I've hurt my ex badly enough that they won't care, or even be happy once they find out that I'm gone. If either my firearms license or driver's license don't get suspended or revoked after this, there's a good chance I'll be gone. If both get suspended or revoked, then unfortunately I'm here to stay for a while.

Ok then you should be honest. In this case, I'd tell them everything, if you... Maybe you find mental help there.
Don't judge me for asking, but why are you there ? Just because of a mental crisis or other things like drugs ?
I went several times to the psych, but always because of drug withdrawal. If this should be the case, then it is ususal, that you are very depressed in the beginning...
If you need someone to talk to you can DM me here.

I was taken to the hospital for a 72 hour hold because I was getting ready to attempt suicide and failed to dispose of the evidence when the police knocked on my door. I sent a scheduled message to my friend for 2 hours after I CTB but I made a miscalculation because my friend is in a different part of the country. So they received the message 1 hour before my CTB instead, and they sent police and EMS to my house. Drugs and alcohol are definitely not helpful in my situation but they're not the reason I'm in the psych ward.

 

[Crazyturtle777]

I just hope that I've hurt my ex badly enough that they won't care, or even be happy once they find out that I'm gone. If either my firearms license or driver's license don't get suspended or revoked after this, there's a good chance I'll be gone. If both get suspended or revoked, then unfortunately I'm here to stay for a while.



I was taken to the hospital for a 72 hour hold because I was getting ready to attempt suicide and failed to dispose of the evidence when the police knocked on my door. I sent a scheduled message to my friend for 2 hours after I CTB but I made a miscalculation because my friend is in a different part of the country. So they received the message 1 hour before my CTB instead, and they sent police and EMS to my house. Drugs and alcohol are definitely not helpful in my situation but they're not the reason I'm in the psych ward.

Sorry to hear that, 72 hours are not that long.
But it seems he still cares about you..

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Sorry to hear that, 72 hours are not that long.
But it seems he still cares about you..

Now it's a waiting game to see whether I'll be able to legally buy a gun or drive myself to a bridge and jump off, after the 72 hour hold. I have no intention of telling anyone that, because I know it'll only prolong my stay in the psych ward.

I recently gave a new relationship a chance but the person turned out to be abusive and things escalated very quickly. They punched me in the face and gave me a black eye, a few hours before I got drunk and lashed out at my ex. I understand that I was having an acute exacerbation of PTSD symptoms (I've been in abusive relationships previously too) but I shouldn't have taken it out on my ex.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

Taking a bath while having my last drinks and pills sounds like a plan. If I pass out and drown, it's still more than 4 hours until my scheduled message gets sent out, so maybe I won't even have to hang myself in that case. If I manage to have my bath without passing out, then that'll be nice too. It's something that I just want to do for myself. I know that it won't make any difference in a few hours.

My ex said that they never want to see me again for as long as they live. It would be easier on them if they actually hate me at this point. I'm a piece of shit. That's why I got molested as a kid. How could anyone not hate me?


I'm going to sleep for another hour now. After that, I may or may not log back in. I hope that no one misses me.

Even if you are a piece of shit now like you say, that isn't the reason you were molested. That wasn't your fault, not even a little bit! I hope you're able to find peace, preferably in life rather than in death.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Now it's a waiting game to see whether I'll be able to legally buy a gun or drive myself to a bridge and jump off, after the 72 hour hold. I have no intention of telling anyone that, because I know it'll only prolong my stay in the psych ward.

I recently gave a new relationship a chance but the person turned out to be abusive and things escalated very quickly. They punched me in the face and gave me a black eye, a few hours before I got drunk and lashed out at my ex. I understand that I was having an acute exacerbation of PTSD symptoms (I've been in abusive relationships previously too) but I shouldn't have taken it out on my ex.

Please remember that after any kind of abuse, which like fuck, I'm so sorry that happened; But esp under the influence, after such a horrible thing happened, trauma can express itself as anger or irritation unintentionally. Don't beat yourself up for reacting in that kind of extreme situation. We live and learn<3 PMs open if you wanna chat.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Even if you are a piece of shit now like you say, that isn't the reason you were molested. That wasn't your fault, not even a little bit! I hope you're able to find peace, preferably in life rather than in death.

There's nothing I could have done when I was in preschool, to deserve to be molested, right? I keep trying to convince myself that it was my fault, because it seems easier to cope that way, than to accept the fact that bad things just happen to people. And for more than a decade, I've been punishing myself for being molested, just so that I can get through the day without killing myself. The day I fully accept that I was never in control of it all along, that's the day I fully go off the rails. In order to just function, it seems to be necessary for me to go insane.

Please remember that after any kind of abuse, which like fuck, I'm so sorry that happened; But esp under the influence, after such a horrible thing happened, trauma can express itself as anger or irritation unintentionally. Don't beat yourself up for reacting in that kind of extreme situation. We live and learn<3 PMs open if you wanna chat.

It was still not an excuse to lash out at my ex. Neither was being drunk and coked out. And honestly, it was kinda my fault for getting punched because I completely lost my temper and yelled at the person during a rock climbing session. They were being emotionally abusive and they had really bad road rage, which scared the shit out of me. And I just lost it, I guess. I likely wouldn't have gotten hit if I communicated better.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. Don't know you, but I will say that I think you're judging yourself very harshly. You're framing everything bad happening to you as your fault when it isn't the case.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

There's nothing I could have done when I was in preschool, to deserve to be molested, right? I keep trying to convince myself that it was my fault, because it seems easier to cope that way, than to accept the fact that bad things just happen to people. And for more than a decade, I've been punishing myself for being molested, just so that I can get through the day without killing myself. The day I fully accept that I was never in control of it all along, that's the day I fully go off the rails. In order to just function, it seems to be necessary for me to go insane.

Listen, I don't know your whole story. But I know for sure that you didn't do anything to deserve to be molested. You couldn't have done anything to deserve such a horrible thing, no child ever deserves that. Maybe you've made a lot of mistakes in your life and done things you regret, but being molested isn't on you, that is 100% the fault of the person who did it to you.

The truth is that you weren't in control of that, and it is a horrible thing that happened to you Through no fault of your own. Bad things do happen to people who don't deserve it, all the time. And I know how hard it is to accept. For a long time I blamed myself for my chronic illness, I thought I either did something to cause it or it was punishment from God for the mistakes I made. But the truth is that bad things just happen, often for no reason.

Even with all the pain you feel, you should try to absolve yourself of any guilt you feel over being molested. Because that wasn't your fault.

Please, say it out loud. Say to yourself "It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve that." Even if it doesn't feel true.