Rage quitting the game of life today

[GuessWhosBack]

Today is the last day in the psych ward and it's going fairly smoothly so far. Fingers crossed. Don't jinx me.

Are you psyched?!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Are you psyched?!

🕷 I hope a spider bites your pp and turns it purple

 

[GuessWhosBack]

🕷 I hope a spider bites your pp and turns it purple

Please... not a big ... black ... hairy ... deadly ... spider biting my pp. Anything but that . I swear!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Please... not a big ... black ... hairy ... deadly ... spider biting my pp. Anything but that . I swear!

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Mamma Mia what is wrong with this generation Madonna

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Mamma Mia what is wrong with this generation Madonna

Bro we is literally from the same generation lol

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Bro we is literally from the same generation lol

I was referring to both of us! I can insult myself while insulting others too!

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

How do you get discharged? Is there paperwork or do they make you sign anything? Or they just give you back your stuff and push you out the front door?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

How do you get discharged? Is there paperwork or do they make you sign anything? Or they just give you back your stuff and push you out the front door?

In my past experiences they just gave me back my stuff and threw me out, but I was under 18 at the time. This is my first psych ward admission as an adult. Idk how it'll be this time.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

In the morning I'll be able to go home. I'm still going to work for a few more shifts before I move. I likely won't continue to update this thread but I'll still be active on SS.

Thanks for the support, to everyone who commented in my thread.

@GuessWhosBack my dog is going to bite your balls

 

[GuessWhosBack]

@GuessWhosBack my dog is going to bite your balls

Your wee wee ahh doggy stands no chance against me. And she sides with me. I can bench press your dawg anyway

Besides, I'll just bite my own balls.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Your wee wee ahh doggy stands no chance against me. And she sides with me. I can bench press your dawg anyway

Besides, I'll just bite my own balls.

Kinky

 

[jexiste]

It fucking sucks to see someone who went through similar traumatic experiences and had a similar upbringing decide to CTB. I was really hoping that they would change their mind about CTB. So many people who have severe PTSD from being repeatedly sexually abused at a young age kill themselves or get addicted to drugs and go off the deep end completely. I know it's possible to survive and live a relatively normal life, but to this day I haven't met a single person in real life or on the internet who could do it. So I know it's possible in theory. But I wish there was actual proof.

I have a bad case of survivors guilt right now. I don't know why I'm still here and I don't know how I've been able to be relatively functional up until I got admitted to the psych ward. One day maybe I'm also just going to lose my will to fight and disappear as well. I don't think I can be the one who actually proves that it's possible to not only survive but live a relatively normal life with severe PTSD.

Hey, I've been lurking here the last few days and stumbled upon your thread. I made an account just to respond to you.

I am such a person. I experienced SA repeatedly when I was very young in addition to poverty and mentally unwell + extremely demanding parents. I tried to ctb in high school and was generally a destructive disaster child. Later in life that turned into high functioning drug addiction (uppers).

I was also gifted in art and mathematics and now have a PhD. I completely threw myself into both these things. Science to make sense of the world and art to express and externalize the extreme pain I was in. Instead of that pain being an internal world no one could see, I could fill a room with it. I could also make spaces that allowed me to heal, and invite people to come inside them.

I still struggle with a profound self hatred but I don't want to leave the world anymore.

I was glued to this thread... super worried about you. I feel like we share a lot of overlap in terms of the past and couldn't stand the thought of seeing this happen to someone with a similar background. You seem like someone who is super talented and you should be very proud of yourself for those talents and for making it so far despite all that you have experienced. Just having your own place, going to college, having stable jobs, and having hobbies like climbing is HUGE for a person who has been through so much. Also having a friend who would go so far to protect you is something to value.

I'm currently at work but I'll check this thread later in the day. Just wanted to make sure you know that it's possible.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Hey, I've been lurking here the last few days and stumbled upon your thread. I made an account just to respond to you.

I am such a person. I experienced SA repeatedly when I was very young in addition to poverty and mentally unwell + extremely demanding parents. I tried to ctb in high school and was generally a destructive disaster child. Later in life that turned into high functioning drug addiction (uppers).

I was also gifted in art and mathematics and now have a PhD. I completely threw myself into both these things. Science to make sense of the world and art to express and externalize the extreme pain I was in. Instead of that pain being an internal world no one could see, I could fill a room with it. I could also make spaces that allowed me to heal, and invite people to come inside them.

I still struggle with a profound self hatred but I don't want to leave the world anymore.

I was glued to this thread... super worried about you. I feel like we share a lot of overlap in terms of the past and couldn't stand the thought of seeing this happen to someone with a similar background. You seem like someone who is super talented and you should be very proud of yourself for those talents and for making it so far despite all that you have experienced. Just having your own place, going to college, having stable jobs, and having hobbies like climbing is HUGE for a person who has been through so much. Also having a friend who would go so far to protect you is something to value.

I'm currently at work but I'll check this thread later in the day. Just wanted to make sure you know that it's possible.

Damn, we really are similar.

My parents are mentally unwell but I grew up well-off, so my material needs were beyond fulfilled. I would rather cry in the back of a luxury car than in the back of a shitbox. I feel like maybe I had it easier than you in that respect.

My drug of choice is also downers instead of uppers now. I used to do coke but I can't do uppers anymore. They make my anxiety so bad. Regardless, I've never let my drug use get out of hand because I know there is no one that'll be there for me if I go off the deep end. I have an EMT license and have used the information I've learned, to experiment with dosing as well as combinations of drugs/alcohol.

I dropped out from school and went to work full time quite a while ago. I'm going back to school in less than 2 weeks but don't think I plan to go beyond a bachelor's degree. However, I'm not going to write off that possibility either. I logically know that I'm not stupid (but not insanely smart either), but my brain tells me that I'm dumb as shit and don't belong in a career that is full of super smart people.

I wouldn't say that I got to where I am in life by being "talented." I have a blue collar job that pays decently. On top of that, I bartend at a high end club, I get modelling gigs every now and then, and I also had some involvement with some bad people (which I'm happy to permanently move away from). I'm not "talented," just a workaholic who is also passively suicidal.

 

[jexiste]

The comparisons between the two don't matter, you absolutely had a very difficult upbringing. And I feel you on being very regimented in terms of drug use, things never got truly out of hand with me due to a similar mindset.

The main thing I'm trying to express is that there is definitely more than just one conclusion for a life coming out of the circumstances we both came from. You are not doomed to this.

Also, I'm not saying you being good at math gave you an ability to scrape by at your current gigs. What I am saying is that your ability to sustain regular work and economic stability stands out for people from our background. The most valuable experience I ever had was as a waiter in the south. Additionally, it's clear you're talented in more academic pursuits and I reallllllly wouldn't discount your ability to pursue that kind of stuff.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

The comparisons between the two don't matter, you absolutely had a very difficult upbringing. And I feel you on being very regimented in terms of drug use, things never got truly out of hand with me due to a similar mindset.

The main thing I'm trying to express is that there is definitely more than just one conclusion for a life coming out of the circumstances we both came from. You are not doomed to this.

Also, I'm not saying you being good at math gave you an ability to scrape by at your current gigs. What I am saying is that your ability to sustain regular work and economic stability stands out for people from our background. The most valuable experience I ever had was as a waiter in the south. Additionally, it's clear you're talented in more academic pursuits and I reallllllly wouldn't discount your ability to pursue that kind of stuff.

I'm not actively suicidal at the moment because I know the logistics of another attempt in the near future simply won't work out, but I'm still passively suicidal tbh.

I've tried therapy as well as more intensive treatment, for years. I took antidepressants, ativan, and olanzapine for varying periods of time but they did nothing for me other than turn me into a bartard. Despite genuinely concerted efforts to recover, nothing changed. My physical health is ok at the moment but the mental aspect of my ED also never changed.

I just feel really stuck and unable to make any meaningful changes. I genuinely feel like my mental health is permanently fucked, and at this point I don't really know what I can even do about it.

Genuine question though: what makes you say that I would actually be able to do academic stuff? Honestly I don't really like school and I barely even went to class unless attendance/participation counted for marks. I got decent grades up until I dropped out (average was in the low 80s range) but there are plenty of people who do much better than me.

 

[yellowjester]

Genuine question though: what makes you say that I would actually be able to do academic stuff?

You seem pretty lucid to me. I'd say you have a good shot in academia aswell, if my opinion is worth anything.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

You seem pretty lucid to me. I'd say you have a good shot in academia aswell, if my opinion is worth anything.

Terminal lucidity

 

[yellowjester]

Terminal lucidity

Inoperable futility

 

[jexiste]

I'm not actively suicidal at the moment because I know the logistics of another attempt in the near future simply won't work out, but I'm still passively suicidal tbh.

I've tried therapy as well as more intensive treatment, for years. I took antidepressants, ativan, and olanzapine for varying periods of time but they did nothing for me other than turn me into a bartard. Despite genuinely concerted efforts to recover, nothing changed. My physical health is ok at the moment but the mental aspect of my ED also never changed.

I just feel really stuck and unable to make any meaningful changes. I genuinely feel like my mental health is permanently fucked, and at this point I don't really know what I can even do about it.

Genuine question though: what makes you say that I would actually be able to do academic stuff? Honestly I don't really like school and I barely even went to class unless attendance/participation counted for marks. I got decent grades up until I dropped out (average was in the low 80s range) but there are plenty of people who do much better than me.

Hey! Sorry for the late response. It has nothing to do with grades/work ethic/etc. You came from a BRUTAL upbringing, never discount what you have been through. The amount of willpower it takes to get through what you went through is profound, though. So, in response to your question, a few points:

1) you already know you're good at math
2) grades are not an indicator of ability. they just reflect how good you are at something when you attempt to give a shit about that thing. I failed every class I ever took before midway through high school. I wasn't dumb, I just didn't care.
3) my MAIN point: the sheer amount of willpower it takes to have a modicum of engagement with reality after experiencing childhood SA is insane. seriously, I've know a lot of people who went through the kinds of things that I did and sadly it's not a super high success rate of overcoming it (to the extent of emulating a "normal" life).

That said, the fact that you are going to college, are clearly gifted in something (which you know you are but don't internalize), and---especially---have been able to live a comfortably employed lifestyle... are truly insane achievements given what you went through.

I presented myself as super successful and whatever but I'm definitely an emotional/functional/economic catastrophe. What we both went through (in different ways) has an absolutely catastrophic impact on your sense of self. I have never stopped struggling with what I experienced. However, by just allowing it to be at the core of my identity, I've gained a profound level of empathy for anyone suffering. Sharing that empathy has been incredibly fulfilling.

ALL THAT SAID

You are clearly talented and have made a sustainable life for yourself. You have friends who care about you. You have the opportunity to learn as much as you want about anything. All I ask of you is, during your college experience, to just let go and follow some subject as far as your interest leads you.

I think you'll find something along that path.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Hey! Sorry for the late response. It has nothing to do with grades/work ethic/etc. You came from a BRUTAL upbringing, never discount what you have been through. The amount of willpower it takes to get through what you went through is profound, though. So, in response to your question, a few points:

1) you already know you're good at math
2) grades are not an indicator of ability. they just reflect how good you are at something when you attempt to give a shit about that thing. I failed every class I ever took before midway through high school. I wasn't dumb, I just didn't care.
3) my MAIN point: the sheer amount of willpower it takes to have a modicum of engagement with reality after experiencing childhood SA is insane. seriously, I've know a lot of people who went through the kinds of things that I did and sadly it's not a super high success rate of overcoming it (to the extent of emulating a "normal" life).

That said, the fact that you are going to college, are clearly gifted in something (which you know you are but don't internalize), and---especially---have been able to live a comfortably employed lifestyle... are truly insane achievements given what you went through.

I presented myself as super successful and whatever but I'm definitely an emotional/functional/economic catastrophe. What we both went through (in different ways) has an absolutely catastrophic impact on your sense of self. I have never stopped struggling with what I experienced. However, by just allowing it to be at the core of my identity, I've gained a profound level of empathy for anyone suffering. Sharing that empathy has been incredibly fulfilling.

ALL THAT SAID

You are clearly talented and have made a sustainable life for yourself. You have friends who care about you. You have the opportunity to learn as much as you want about anything. All I ask of you is, during your college experience, to just let go and follow some subject as far as your interest leads you.

I think you'll find something along that path.

I just moved into dorms a couple days ago. Currently I have applications in process for a few different part time jobs (a position as emergency room technician at the teaching hospital within walking distance from school, a position at the climbing gym on campus, and a position as a CPR/first aid instructor on campus). The job at the ER is the most appealing for me but my chances of getting that one are the lowest. I have to wait for a while before I try to get my driver's license back, so at the moment I can only apply for jobs that are on or near campus.

At this point my savings are in the low-mid 6 figures and I'm riding the gravy train with student loans and grants, as someone with a certified disability due to PTSD. I don't really need the money from a part time job, but I need something productive to do outside of classes and I'm only taking the bare minimum course load to be considered a full time student.

My degree is in applied math but I'm seriously considering turning it into a dual degree with business and applied math. It'll take me longer to graduate but I'm genuinely interested in business as well.

Now I just hope that I don't sabotage myself by letting my eating disorder get out of control again. I genuinely put so much work into getting from dangerously underweight to being at the lower end of the healthy range, and getting fit. With nothing else to cope with, tbh I already feel scared that a relapse is on its way.