Rage quitting the game of life today

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. Don't know you, but I will say that I think you're judging yourself very harshly. You're framing everything bad happening to you as your fault when it isn't the case.

I suspect that you're right. Everyone around me has always said that I'm my worst enemy. Maybe they're right.

I grew up well-off but my parents were abusive. Up until I was 16, I did really well in school and placed in some pretty significant math competitions. Then I just… went off the rails, I guess. I used to want to study computer science in post-secondary and I knew my chances of getting into a top school were decent. My plan was to also do a minor in biology, so that I could apply to medical school afterwards. That way if it didn't work out, I could still have a good career in tech. I feel like a failure for turning out the way I did even though I came from a well-off family that invested a lot of time and money into my education.

Nowadays I'm a blue collar worker (not specifying exactly what I do), after dropping out from school. I went and got my EMT license but then I was involved in a road rage incident caused by an abusive partner, and I can't do jobs that involve a lot of driving. I also work part time as a bartender at night, and I pick up modelling gigs every now and then too. I'm financially comfortable in a very high cost of living area, but I still feel like I've failed in life because I didn't achieve what I wanted. I have a lot more money than I thought I would at my age (early-mid 20s), but everything that I'm doing is kind of a dead end job. I'm going back to school soon but I know I'll be years behind where I'm supposed to be. Most of my classmates are going to be under 20 years old, and I'm afraid I'll just stick out like a sore thumb.

Listen, I don't know your whole story. But I know for sure that you didn't do anything to deserve to be molested. You couldn't have done anything to deserve such a horrible thing, no child ever deserves that. Maybe you've made a lot of mistakes in your life and done things you regret, but being molested isn't on you, that is 100% the fault of the person who did it to you.

The truth is that you weren't in control of that, and it is a horrible thing that happened to you Through no fault of your own. Bad things do happen to people who don't deserve it, all the time. And I know how hard it is to accept. For a long time I blamed myself for my chronic illness, I thought I either did something to cause it or it was punishment from God for the mistakes I made. But the truth is that bad things just happen, often for no reason.

Even with all the pain you feel, you should try to absolve yourself of any guilt you feel over being molested. Because that wasn't your fault.

Please, say it out loud. Say to yourself "It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve that." Even if it doesn't feel true.

I objectively know it wasn't my fault for being molested. However, I genuinely feel like every time I was abused by a partner (I've had multiple abusive partners), I deserved it because I consciously chose to be with them and I'm of sound mind. So I should have used better judgement, and getting beat up or getting emotionally abused was the consequence for being dumb.

I would never judge other people harshly like this. I don't know why I do this to myself. I suspect it's because of the pervasive sense of worthless and chronically low self esteem that I always had for as long as I can remember.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I suspect that you're right. Everyone around me has always said that I'm my worst enemy. Maybe they're right.

I'd like to genuinely thank you for considering my point of view. I am just trying to say what I think is rational from my perspective. If you're your worst enemy then there's good news - you don't have the power to change other people, but you just might be able to change yourself. For the better. I know you said it hurts to accept that some things that happened to you weren't your fault. But that's the truth. I'm really sorry for what you went through. But it was not your fault.

I grew up well-off but my parents were abusive.

I feel like a failure for turning out the way I did even though I came from a well-off family that invested a lot of time and money into my education.

It sounds like your family put the cart before the horse. Good parents do what they think is best for their child. Unfortunately sometimes they do not do what is best for their child, whether knowingly or not.

Nowadays I'm a blue collar worker (not specifying exactly what I do), after dropping out from school.

There's virtue in that. I know some people look down on blue collar jobs but they're necessary. Nothing saying that that's you, but yes, it might not be what you had hoped for. You're still in time to change that!

I also work part time as a bartender at night, and I pick up modelling gigs every now and then too. I'm financially comfortable in a very high cost of living area, but I still feel like I've failed in life because I didn't achieve what I wanted.

This is totally understandable. You're goal oriented and want solutions, but at the same time, you know the solutions will require even more time to complete. You're depressed about the past and anxious about the future, so you feel trapped and hopeless. Despite this, despite all you've had to endure from, you have impressively managed to keep yourself financially independent in a HCOL area. Even if you're not living by yourself that's still very impressive. You're not a failure, you've simply been derailed. The sooner you get back on track, the better!

I have a lot more money than I thought I would at my age (early-mid 20s), but everything that I'm doing is kind of a dead end job.

It won't have to be like this for long.

I'm going back to school soon

Good! Chase your dreams. You still have time!

but I know I'll be years behind where I'm supposed to be. Most of my classmates are going to be under 20 years old, and I'm afraid I'll just stick out like a sore thumb.

I have a close friend of mine that suffered from a tragic accident when he was doing his degree. Because of how severe it was, he was essentially out for some time. At 27 he's about to finish his B.Sc. He is acing all of his classes and will soon start a promising career. From what he tells me, a lot of his younger classmates are simply cruising through classes, barely paying attention, barely aware of the opportunity and privilege that they have, and putting half the effort that he is. What I'm trying to say is that you being older, having more life experience, puts you in a position that allows you to take more from your classes than your younger classmates. And hey, there might be other classmates older than you too!

I also graduated after 7 long years (what was supposed to be a 4 year course) of battling severe depression, the middle 3 of those years being bedridden, so I really relate to how you feel. In truth, nobody really cared that I was older in class. Everyone was there to learn.

I can go on and on but I think I've written too much :) Sorry about that. You sound like you could have a bright future ahead of you.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'd like to genuinely thank you for considering my point of view. I am just trying to say what I think is rational from my perspective. If you're your worst enemy then there's good news - you don't have the power to change other people, but you just might be able to change yourself. For the better. I know you said it hurts to accept that some things that happened to you weren't your fault. But that's the truth. I'm really sorry for what you went through. But it was not your fault.


It sounds like your family put the cart before the horse. Good parents do what they think is best for their child. Unfortunately sometimes they do not do what is best for their child, whether knowingly or not.

There's virtue in that. I know some people look down on blue collar jobs but they're necessary. Nothing saying that that's you, but yes, it might not be what you had hoped for. You're still in time to change that!

This is totally understandable. You're goal oriented and want solutions, but at the same time, you know the solutions will require even more time to complete. You're depressed about the past and anxious about the future, so you feel trapped and hopeless. Despite this, despite all you've had to endure from, you have impressively managed to keep yourself financially independent in a HCOL area. Even if you're not living by yourself that's still very impressive. You're not a failure, you've simply been derailed. The sooner you get back on track, the better!

It won't have to be like this for long.

Good! Chase your dreams. You still have time!

I have a close friend of mine that suffered from a tragic accident when he was doing his degree. Because of how severe it was, he was essentially out for some time. At 27 he's about to finish his B.Sc. He is acing all of his classes and will soon start a promising career. From what he tells me, a lot of his younger classmates are simply cruising through classes, barely paying attention, barely aware of the opportunity and privilege that they have, and putting half the effort that he is. What I'm trying to say is that you being older, having more life experience, puts you in a position that allows you to take more from your classes than your younger classmates. And hey, there might be other classmates older than you too!

I also graduated after 7 long years (what was supposed to be a 4 year course) of battling severe depression, the middle 3 of those years being bedridden, so I really relate to how you feel. In truth, nobody really cared that I was older in class. Everyone was there to learn.

I can go on and on but I think I've written too much :) Sorry about that. You sound like you could have a bright future ahead of you.

My mom always told me that no matter what happens at home, I can't tell anyone because they'll never believe me. If I told anyone, there was a chance that I would have been taken away by CPS. I chose to stick to the situation I know, where I was at least financially taken care of, because my mom threatened me with the horror stories from foster homes.

Every time I wasn't perfect or at least first place at a test, some sort of math competition, etc. I was yelled at and punished by starvation. My mom would threaten to take me to the hospital for a lobotomy, whenever I acted up at school. I was a victim of bullying, but I was also a bully and got into a lot of fights. To this day I still feel guilty for hurting some kids who never deserved it. Later on, I started punishing myself with starvation too.

Now it's no longer about making my parents proud. The reason I have my career aspirations is because I just want to prove that people with severe PTSD can still "make it" with all odds stacked against them. I'm likely not going to pursue a career in medicine though, because I have lasting health issues from a chronic eating disorder and having other patients under my care is not a responsible decision. That's partly why my EMT license is probably never going to be used for its intended purpose. I won't say exactly what I want to do in the future but I'm going back to school for a major that will likely lead to a white collar job that pays well.

I don't know how to reconcile wanting to live a good life out of spite for the people who abused me, with wanting a permanent solution for my insanity. I don't know which is more difficult, and being stuck in between, being in purgatory, is driving me absolutely crazy.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I don't know how to reconcile wanting to live a good life out of spite for the people who abused me, with wanting a permanent solution for my insanity. I don't know which is more difficult, and being stuck in between, being in purgatory, is driving me absolutely crazy.

Next semester starts in, I'm assuming, late September? Are you going back to school this year? You might feel better once that happens!

Living a good life under your control could very well be the permanent solution you're looking for. How's the involuntary hold going?

I will be sleeping shortly. Take care.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Next semester starts in, I'm assuming, late September? Are you going back to school this year? You might feel better once that happens!

Living a good life under your control could very well be the permanent solution you're looking for. How's the involuntary hold going?

I will be sleeping shortly. Take care.

It starts in early September. Maybe it'll be healthier for me to use school to fill the void, because there's no way I can get away with drug use in dorms. So I have to get sober no matter what, if I want to go to school.

The doctor did an assessment on me already. They're not going to tell me anything I don't already know about me. I already know I'm severely depressed, have anxiety, and also have PTSD. The assessment felt kinda pointless, even performative, tbh.

The food here is so bad that the only thing I've been able to actually stomach is the apple juice. It's definitely not enough but it's better than nothing. Other than that though, things are relatively normal. Nothing crazy to report.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

My mom always told me that no matter what happens at home, I can't tell anyone because they'll never believe me. If I told anyone, there was a chance that I would have been taken away by CPS. I chose to stick to the situation I know, where I was at least financially taken care of, because my mom threatened me with the horror stories from foster homes.

I won't to pry, but if it is what I think it is, then I truly have no words.

Every time I wasn't perfect or at least first place at a test, some sort of math competition, etc. I was yelled at and punished by starvation. My mom would threaten to take me to the hospital for a lobotomy, whenever I acted up at school. I was a victim of bullying, but I was also a bully and got into a lot of fights. To this day I still feel guilty for hurting some kids who never deserved it. Later on, I started punishing myself with starvation too.

Bullying and being bullied is (unfortunately) a very normal (meaning, the norm) part of school. We were all children once doing stupid things. Please cut yourself some slack. Feeling guilty is a sign that you have matured, as you should. Don't beat yourself up over what you did when you barely understood how the world worked.

It starts in early September. Maybe it'll be healthier for me to use school to fill the void, because there's no way I can get away with drug use in dorms. So I have to get sober no matter what, if I want to go to school.

Great, not so far away then! This could be the chance for you to redeem yourself, in your eyes.

The food here is so bad that the only thing I've been able to actually stomach is the apple juice.

Lmao, too true. Take care.

 

[maniac116]

Not sure why my post just got quoted randomly, but ok haha.

I managed to get some sleep. Was given some Ativan after waking up because I'm a nervous wreck. Today the psychiatrist and social worker are probably going to come in and talk to me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to be honest about why I wanted to kill myself. I'm afraid that they'll find it to be funny, or worse yet, I'm afraid that they'll think I'm a frau

Good people don't exist. People are too complex to be categorized as either good or bad. You hurt them but that doesn't make you some horrible monster, that just makes you human. Everybody has hurt somebody in their life before. It's inevitable. You shouldn't beat yourself up over the inevitable. All you can do is learn from that experience, move on, and try your best to not to repeat the mistake.

I have to respectfully disagree with your statement...
I think there are good people, just like yourself. I think I'm a good person who's just done some shitty things. I have learned from the bad things I've done & try not to do harm because of how doing harm has made me feel in the past.
But in this world it's hard to see the good because the bad is sensationalized in the news etc.
I don't believe people are inherently bad. We just do fucked up shit.
Just my 2 cents...

It starts in early September. Maybe it'll be healthier for me to use school to fill the void, because there's no way I can get away with drug use in dorms. So I have to get sober no matter what, if I want to go to school.

The doctor did an assessment on me already. They're not going to tell me anything I don't already know about me. I already know I'm severely depressed, have anxiety, and also have PTSD. The assessment felt kinda pointless, even performative, tbh.

The food here is so bad that the only thing I've been able to actually stomach is the apple juice. It's definitely not enough but it's better than nothing. Other than that though, things are relatively normal. Nothing crazy to report.

Glad to hear you're doing ok.
And personally I'm glad you're still with at least for now. I hope you find peace

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I won't to pry, but if it is what I think it is, then I truly have no words.

Bullying and being bullied is (unfortunately) a very normal (meaning, the norm) part of school. We were all children once doing stupid things. Please cut yourself some slack. Feeling guilty is a sign that you have matured, as you should. Don't beat yourself up over what you did when you barely understood how the world worked.

Great, not so far away then! This could be the chance for you to redeem yourself, in your eyes.

Lmao, too true. Take care.

Yes, it was sexual abuse. My dad sexually abused me and my mom probably knew but to this day she claims that I hallucinate and have delusions of being molested.

I was obviously unhappy as a kid but I was too young to even understand what sexual abuse was. So I took it out on other people at school. I ended up sending someone to the hospital after I ruptured their ear drum, when I was 12 years old. Teachers all hated me and considered me a problem child. None of them cared when I tried to talk about my own mental health issues. And if they did hear me out they told me I deserved it.

A police officer is going to talk to me in 15-20 minutes. I think this might be a bad sign that my firearms license and driver's license are going to be suspended or even revoked, if the police are getting involved in my case.

 

[maniac116]

Yes, it was sexual abuse. My dad sexually abused me and my mom probably knew but to this day she claims that I hallucinate and have delusions of being molested.

I was obviously unhappy as a kid but I was too young to even understand what sexual abuse was. So I took it out on other people at school. I ended up sending someone to the hospital after I ruptured their ear drum, when I was 12 years old. Teachers all hated me and considered me a problem child. None of them cared when I tried to talk about my own mental health issues. And if they did hear me out they told me I deserved it.

A police officer is going to talk to me in 15-20 minutes. I think this might be a bad sign that my firearms license and driver's license are going to be suspended or even revoked, if the police are getting involved in my case.

FYI: There are websites that sell ghost gun kits. I don't know where you live or your local laws etc but they are available online.
I hope you find your way, whatever that is. I think you said before that you're an EMT, so you're in a position of offering help to those in medical need. I think you have a good heart & hope you find your way to peace no matter how you choose to get it

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I have to respectfully disagree with your statement...
I think there are good people, just like yourself. I think I'm a good person who's just done some shitty things. I have learned from the bad things I've done & try not to do harm because of how doing harm has made me feel in the past.
But in this world it's hard to see the good because the bad is sensationalized in the news etc.
I don't believe people are inherently bad. We just do fucked up shit.
Just my 2 cents...

Good and bad is subjective and nobody is truly good or bad. Trying to categorize people into good or bad is just stupid because everyone falls somewhere in-between. Just because you learned from some of the bad things you've done doesn't make you good and there is a good chance that there are other bad things you have done that you refuse to acknowledge as even being bad. People who tend to think of themselves as good people tend to end up hurting others the most because they cannot truly acknowledge the bad within them. The whole good people, bad people thing is too black and white and fails to paint an accurate picture of how people work. This type of thinking has been used to justify harming others and has led to many regressing due to either their inability to acknowledge their flaws and wrongdoings or because they think they are bad so they see no point in even bothering to improve as a person. Do you know how many people out there have had people take the side of their abuser because of this type of thinking? It's outdated at this point and should be abandoned.

 

[maniac116]

Good and bad is subjective and nobody is truly good or bad. Trying to categorize people into good or bad is just stupid because everyone falls somewhere in-between. Just because you learned from some of the bad things you've done doesn't make you good and there is a good chance that there are other bad things you have done that you refuse to acknowledge as even being bad. People who tend to think of themselves as good people tend to end up hurting others the most because they cannot truly acknowledge the bad within them. The whole good people, bad people thing is too black and white and fails to paint an accurate picture of how people work. This type of thinking has been used to justify harming others and has led to many regressing due to either their inability to acknowledge their flaws and wrongdoings or because they think they are bad so they see no point in even bothering to improve as a person. Do you know how many people out there have had people take the side of their abuser because of this type of thinking? It's outdated at this point and should be abandoned.

Agreed!
We humans have an incessant need to categorize & label everything as good, bad etc.
I think we just "are". We do bad & good things but we as people make decisions all the time, some of which are terrible.
I should be in prison for life for things I've done in the past. I've done awful things, been a terrible alcoholic asshole in my past.
I really wouldn't hurt a soul today.
We struggle...

 

[Lady Laudanum]

FYI: There are websites that sell ghost gun kits. I don't know where you live or your local laws etc but they are available online.
I hope you find your way, whatever that is. I think you said before that you're an EMT, so you're in a position of offering help to those in medical need. I think you have a good heart & hope you find your way to peace no matter how you choose to get it

I can't say too much about gun regulations where I live, without revealing the place I live in. Because I don't already own a gun, if my license is suspended or revoked then I'm just shit out of luck.

I have an EMT license but I never actually ended up working in EMS. I have permanent physical health issues from my eating disorder, so I don't think I should be taking care of patients. I know there are chronically ill people who work in EMS and do well. However, I think that if I'm not in the position to provide the best possible care for patients due to my own health issues, then I should not work in healthcare. I also have PTSD from an abusive ex purposely crashing the car because of road rage. I'm physically ok but any job that involves a lot of driving would not be ok for me, given my mental state. However, the skills I've learned have come in handy a decent number of times when I was working as a bartender. The only difference is that I can accept tips of any amount, and in a high end club the tips are great.

The reason I wanted to go into EMS is because I know that I react really calmly to emergency situations despite normally being very high-anxiety. I learned that about myself after I did CPR on someone while working at a restaurant (I was in high school at the time), and they survived. I know that if I didn't destroy my physical health, I would have been good as an EMT or paramedic.

My day job (I'm a blue collar worker) is also physically demanding but stakes are much lower because no one's life is in my hands. This whole time I've been working hard to make money so that I don't go broke and end up back with my abusive parents. Then I guess at some point being a workaholic kinda became a coping mechanism. Anyways idk where I'm going with this. I'm bored again so just word vomiting about my dumb life.

 

[maniac116]

I suspect that you're right. Everyone around me has always said that I'm my worst enemy. Maybe they're right.

I grew up well-off but my parents were abusive. Up until I was 16, I did really well in school and placed in some pretty significant math competitions. Then I just… went off the rails, I guess. I used to want to study computer science in post-secondary and I knew my chances of getting into a top school were decent. My plan was to also do a minor in biology, so that I could apply to medical school afterwards. That way if it didn't work out, I could still have a good career in tech. I feel like a failure for turning out the way I did even though I came from a well-off family that invested a lot of time and money into my education.

Nowadays I'm a blue collar worker (not specifying exactly what I do), after dropping out from school. I went and got my EMT license but then I was involved in a road rage incident caused by an abusive partner, and I can't do jobs that involve a lot of driving. I also work part time as a bartender at night, and I pick up modelling gigs every now and then too. I'm financially comfortable in a very high cost of living area, but I still feel like I've failed in life because I didn't achieve what I wanted. I have a lot more money than I thought I would at my age (early-mid 20s), but everything that I'm doing is kind of a dead end job. I'm going back to school soon but I know I'll be years behind where I'm supposed to be. Most of my classmates are going to be under 20 years old, and I'm afraid I'll just stick out like a sore thumb.

I objectively know it wasn't my fault for being molested. However, I genuinely feel like every time I was abused by a partner (I've had multiple abusive partners), I deserved it because I consciously chose to be with them and I'm of sound mind. So I should have used better judgement, and getting beat up or getting emotionally abused was the consequence for being dumb.

I would never judge other people harshly like this. I don't know why I do this to myself. I suspect it's because of the pervasive sense of worthless and chronically low self esteem that I always had for as long as I can remember.

To go through what you have been through is a major achievement in itself! You have fortitude & heart.
This forum is ironic in that we have so much empathy & compassion for each other here (in general) but so much self hate. In a weird way it's funny.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

To go through what you have been through is a major achievement in itself! You have fortitude & heart.
This forum is ironic in that we have so much empathy & compassion for each other here (in general) but so much self hate. In a weird way it's funny.

I love being on this forum tbh. It's the only place when people aren't going to judge me for what happened to me as well as how I reacted to those circumstances. In real life multiple people have told me straight up that if they became as much of a failure as me despite growing up with the world on a silver platter, that they would just go kill themselves. How ironic, that I'm the one who's on this forum and I'm also still not dead lmao.

Most people in real life suck and frankly, I don't owe them any explanations about why I turned out the way I did. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else does anyways. I never bothered to stay in touch with most people I knew from school. There's no point, if all they're going to do is try to make me feel bad about how my life is going, and try to offer me unsolicited advice about how to recover from mental illness while in their ivory towers.

My friend literally booked a flight from the other side of the country to visit me. He doesn't have a high paying job and I feel really bad that he spent so much money on a last minute flight. I told him I would send him however much money he paid for his plane ticket but he told me to not worry about it. He couldn't go in today because it's getting a bit too late but he dropped off a spare laptop for me to use in the meantime. That way I don't have to stare at a tiny phone screen all the time. He also tried to drop off a jacket for me but the staff in the psych ward wouldn't let me have it because all I get to wear is a paper gown and I'm freezing. For some reason, I'm dreading when he's going to visit me tomorrow, because I know I'll just feel even more conflicted between wanting to live a relatively normal life vs. wanting to be at peace. And yes the two are mutually exclusive because I'll only be at peace when I'm dead.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I suspect that you're right. Everyone around me has always said that I'm my worst enemy. Maybe they're right.

I grew up well-off but my parents were abusive. Up until I was 16, I did really well in school and placed in some pretty significant math competitions. Then I just… went off the rails, I guess. I used to want to study computer science in post-secondary and I knew my chances of getting into a top school were decent. My plan was to also do a minor in biology, so that I could apply to medical school afterwards. That way if it didn't work out, I could still have a good career in tech. I feel like a failure for turning out the way I did even though I came from a well-off family that invested a lot of time and money into my education.

Nowadays I'm a blue collar worker (not specifying exactly what I do), after dropping out from school. I went and got my EMT license but then I was involved in a road rage incident caused by an abusive partner, and I can't do jobs that involve a lot of driving. I also work part time as a bartender at night, and I pick up modelling gigs every now and then too. I'm financially comfortable in a very high cost of living area, but I still feel like I've failed in life because I didn't achieve what I wanted. I have a lot more money than I thought I would at my age (early-mid 20s), but everything that I'm doing is kind of a dead end job. I'm going back to school soon but I know I'll be years behind where I'm supposed to be. Most of my classmates are going to be under 20 years old, and I'm afraid I'll just stick out like a sore thumb.

I objectively know it wasn't my fault for being molested. However, I genuinely feel like every time I was abused by a partner (I've had multiple abusive partners), I deserved it because I consciously chose to be with them and I'm of sound mind. So I should have used better judgement, and getting beat up or getting emotionally abused was the consequence for being dumb.

I would never judge other people harshly like this. I don't know why I do this to myself. I suspect it's because of the pervasive sense of worthless and chronically low self esteem that I always had for as long as I can remember.

I understand what you mean. One time someone told me "imagine if your friend felt this way/was saying these things instead of you. Would you call them worthless, tell them they're a failure?" And of course you wouldn't. But we do it to ourselves. I wish it was as simple as realizing the contradiction and changing how we think, but it isn't.

But the fucked up thing is that if a friend told me they had all the problems I have, and they were suicidal over it, I would outwardly tell them not to do it, that there's hope, it won't be like this forever blah blah blah, but in my mind I really would think that suicide is the best choice for them.

 

[Sunshine]

I love being on this forum tbh. It's the only place when people aren't going to judge me for what happened to me as well as how I reacted to those circumstances. In real life multiple people have told me straight up that if they became as much of a failure as me despite growing up with the world on a silver platter, that they would just go kill themselves. How ironic, that I'm the one who's on this forum and I'm also still not dead lmao.

Sorry just for context because I'm a bit confused. The friend who got the message too early and saved you with the police is that the same guy who is also the reason for your attempt (your ex/best friend) or someone else?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I understand what you mean. One time someone told me "imagine if your friend felt this way/was saying these things instead of you. Would you call them worthless, tell them they're a failure?" And of course you wouldn't. But we do it to ourselves. I wish it was as simple as realizing the contradiction and changing how we think, but it isn't.

But the fucked up thing is that if a friend told me they had all the problems I have, and they were suicidal over it, I would outwardly tell them not to do it, that there's hope, it won't be like this forever blah blah blah, but in my mind I really would think that suicide is the best choice for them.

I have kinda the same mindset when it comes to my eating disorder and body dysmorphia. If I saw someone who is around the same height and weight as me in real life, they would obviously be thin. But for some reason, I feel like I'm twice the size of everyone who is around the same height and weight as me? It doesn't even make sense, but you feel me?

Sorry just for context because I'm a bit confused. The friend who got the message too early and saved you with the police is that the same guy who is also the reason for your attempt (your ex/best friend) or someone else?

No, different person. My ex who used to be my best friend is not on speaking terms with me, and already said that he never wants to see or hear anything from me for as long as he lives. The friend I'm talking about is the guy that I entrusted with delivering my suicide notes to a few people. He happened to check his emails shortly after my scheduled message accidentally sent too early, and police started knocking on my door 15-20 minutes before I was about to CTB for real.

 

[maniac116]

I love being on this forum tbh. It's the only place when people aren't going to judge me for what happened to me as well as how I reacted to those circumstances. In real life multiple people have told me straight up that if they became as much of a failure as me despite growing up with the world on a silver platter, that they would just go kill themselves. How ironic, that I'm the one who's on this forum and I'm also still not dead lmao.

Most people in real life suck and frankly, I don't owe them any explanations about why I turned out the way I did. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else does anyways. I never bothered to stay in touch with most people I knew from school. There's no point, if all they're going to do is try to make me feel bad about how my life is going, and try to offer me unsolicited advice about how to recover from mental illness while in their ivory towers.

My friend literally booked a flight from the other side of the country to visit me. He doesn't have a high paying job and I feel really bad that he spent so much money on a last minute flight. I told him I would send him however much money he paid for his plane ticket but he told me to not worry about it. He couldn't go in today because it's getting a bit too late but he dropped off a spare laptop for me to use in the meantime. That way I don't have to stare at a tiny phone screen all the time. He also tried to drop off a jacket for me but the staff in the psych ward wouldn't let me have it because all I get to wear is a paper gown and I'm freezing. For some reason, I'm dreading when he's going to visit me tomorrow, because I know I'll just feel even more conflicted between wanting to live a relatively normal life vs. wanting to be at peace. And yes the two are mutually exclusive because I'll only be at peace when I'm dead.

I truly from heart hope you can find peace in this life.
I don't personally know you but I think you are a very good person who has things to deal with as we all do.
And you have a friend who's willing to fly to your side to bring you a laptop & more than that, it's an act of love.
I think if you can forgive yourself you can lead a good life.
I have no friends & it doesn't bother me most of the time except at time when I'm in a down mood.
I came to this forum to learn options to CTB, but I actually feel better after chatting with people like yourself because it pulled out the empathy for other from my heart. Thank you

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I'm going back to school soon but I know I'll be years behind where I'm supposed to be. Most of my classmates are going to be under 20 years old, and I'm afraid I'll just stick out like a sore thumb.

I've got a comment about this. You said that you model sometimes, so I'm guessing you're pretty good-looking.

It isn't fair, but the reality is that being attractive and older than average in university will probably make people think better of you, not worse. I had a classmate who was 30 when most of us were 21, but he was good looking and everyone liked him, he was like the cool uncle of the class.

I have kinda the same mindset when it comes to my eating disorder and body dysmorphia. If I saw someone who is around the same height and weight as me in real life, they would obviously be thin. But for some reason, I feel like I'm twice the size of everyone who is around the same height and weight as me? It doesn't even make sense, but you feel me?

I never dealt with an eating disorder, but I feel similar just in terms of general self-esteem. A few years ago I was in the gym and a saw a guy out of the corner of my eye and thought "that dude is pretty jacked, I wish I looked like that." Then I turned and realized I had glanced at my own reflection in the mirror. Almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. And yet I still continued to feel inadequate.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I truly from heart hope you can find peace in this life.
I don't personally know you but I think you are a very good person who has things to deal with as we all do.
And you have a friend who's willing to fly to your side to bring you a laptop & more than that, it's an act of love.
I think if you can forgive yourself you can lead a good life.
I have no friends & it doesn't bother me most of the time except at time when I'm in a down mood.
I came to this forum to learn options to CTB, but I actually feel better after chatting with people like yourself because it pulled out the empathy for other from my heart. Thank you

I'll be at peace when I'm dead, but if I lose both my firearms license and my driver's license then I'll have no choice but to live with no peace for a while. Because the police talked to me already today, I think there's a high chance that's going to happen. I think the police might have talked to me because my blood tests came back positive for controlled substances, but it's not illegal to use drugs and I'm not in any legal trouble.

I met the only friend I have left in this crazy world, during a life or death situation. We became close friends after both of us stood up to a mentally unstable guy with a gun, and successfully convinced him to put the gun away, when there were other people (including us) who couldn't get away. If someone seriously tried to hurt him, I would do anything to prevent it from happening, even if it meant ending up dead or in prison.

Tbh I'm really glad that I found this forum, because this is the only place I can openly talk about my issues without any major real-life consequences.

I've got a comment about this. You said that you model sometimes, so I'm guessing you're pretty good-looking.

It isn't fair, but the reality is that being attractive and older than average in university will probably make people think better of you, not worse. I had a classmate who was 30 when most of us were 21, but he was good looking and everyone liked him, he was like the cool uncle of the class.

I never dealt with an eating disorder, but I feel similar just in terms of general self-esteem. A few years ago I was in the gym and a saw a guy out of the corner of my eye and thought "that dude is pretty jacked, I wish I looked like that." Then I turned and realized I had glanced at my own reflection in the mirror. Almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. And yet I still continued to feel inadequate.

I'm not tall so I don't do any runway or editorial modelling, because clothes from high fashion brands (Gucci, Prada, Dior, etc.) in sample sizes aren't going to fit right. With models who aren't tall but still thin and/or fit with good proportions, generally they look for either people with very striking or unique features, people who are exceptionally good-looking, or people with features that are versatile and easy to work into a lot of different types of looks (usually generic looking but not in a bad way). I would say that I belong in the third category. Part of what helped me get into the agency was also knowing how to pose well, and having a good work ethic. So I objectively know I'm good-looking, but I'm not supermodel or movie star material either.

My ex was also older than average in university because they worked full time in blue collar jobs before they wanted to change careers. They're good looking, really athletic, have a good sense of style, and are also a self-made millionaire. So many people were all over them, and they always turned everyone down politely. We were best friends for years but only started dating after I already dropped out from school. To this day I don't know why they chose to be with me, and I deeply regret letting my mental illness cause the entire relationship to go up in flames. Out of all people, honestly I think they would be the one to understand if I CTB for real, because they're practically the same person as me except in their 30s instead of 20s. They said in the past that every time I lashed out really badly, they feared for my life if I didn't try to reconnect right away. Because they know that when I push them away, that's me trying to make my own CTB easier on them in my own twisted way. This time I think it's different though. I think that I've hurt them so badly that they had to put up boundaries against me permanently. Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on and on about my ex. I think it's obvious that I'm still hopelessly in love with them.

I have this really embarrassing problem where I'll sometimes straight up have a mental breakdown when I go buy clothes, because I just never feel like I deserve to buy anything other than work clothes, or dress up nicely just for myself instead of for my bartending job (I work at a high end club). I take really good care of my skin and hair though because I'm a model, but I just always feel like I can only justify taking care of myself if it directly affects my income. I know that it's fucked up but honestly I don't know how to get out of this mindset. I objectively know I'm good-looking and really fit but I just feel so ugly and disgusting all the time. I'm somehow proud and ashamed of my looks at the same time, and it just confuses me so much. Idk how much you can relate to that, but I think it's probably either a body dysmorphia or low self esteem thing.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I know that it's fucked up but honestly I don't know how to get out of this mindset. I objectively know I'm good-looking and really fit but I just feel so ugly and disgusting all the time. I'm somehow proud and ashamed of my looks at the same time, and it just confuses me so much. Idk how much you can relate to that, but I think it's probably either a body dysmorphia or low self esteem thing.

I can relate to this a bit, but in a different way. On the outside I think I look good, but on the inside I hate my body because of how often it causes me pain because of my chronic illness. And my problem is digestive, so I almost perpetually have intestinal or stomach pain or problems with going to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and I know I look good, but how can I ever feel attractive when every time I eat it feels like I have food poisoning? My body is a putrid dysfunctional piece of trash. What's the point in living when my body seems to rebel against life itself?

This all reminds me of how screwed up my entire life is. I like to give people advice and encouragement, but the reality is that I'll probably be dead by the end of the year myself. At least this place lets us share these things without being bombarded by the usual truisms from people who just don't understand what it's like to not want to be alive. They tell you to go to therapy and get treatment, as if therapy and pills can make these endless problems disappear. I don't think it's possible for someone to understand unless they've been in our position.

As silly as it sounds, one of the only things in life that really gives me joy is doing pull-ups. Not even exercise in general, just doing pull-ups. And I haven't been able to do them in months because I have tennis elbow or something. God, I really hope it heals eventually and I can do pull-ups again. It's seriously my favorite thing in life.

Anyway, I hope the rest of your stay isn't too uncomfortable and they release you soon! I don't really know what that's like but I hope it isn't too unbearable for you.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

The anxiety is really bad but I got another dose of Ativan for tonight. Tomorrow my friend is visiting me. I really don't know what I'm even going to say when I see him.

I'm still sleeping in the hallway tonight, unfortunately. Food is fucking abysmal so all I've been eating is crackers and apple juice. I don't really have an appetite but my glycogen stores are basically always depleted so my blood sugar gets low pretty quickly. The nurses are telling me that I'm going to start having medical issues if I continue to barely eat, and I really don't want to prolong my hospital stay, so I'm honestly trying my best. Maybe I'll see if my friend can help me smuggle in some snacks that I can actually eat.

Tomorrow they're going to make me create a crisis plan basically. There is no one they can reach out to as an emergency contact that can actually get there in a short period of time though. The only person who cares about me lives on the other coast. Honestly it's really fucking embarrassing to tell staff at the hospital that there's no one they can reach out to and I'm all alone. In the past they always found it to be kinda funny, like "really? There's literally no one who cares about you?"

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

The anxiety is really bad but I got another dose of Ativan for tonight. Tomorrow my friend is visiting me. I really don't know what I'm even going to say when I see him.

I'm still sleeping in the hallway tonight, unfortunately. Food is fucking abysmal so all I've been eating is crackers and apple juice. I don't really have an appetite but my glycogen stores are basically always depleted so my blood sugar gets low pretty quickly. The nurses are telling me that I'm going to start having medical issues if I continue to barely eat, and I really don't want to prolong my hospital stay, so I'm honestly trying my best. Maybe I'll see if my friend can help me smuggle in some snacks that I can actually eat.

Tomorrow they're going to make me create a crisis plan basically. There is no one they can reach out to as an emergency contact that can actually get there in a short period of time though. The only person who cares about me lives on the other coast. Honestly it's really fucking embarrassing to tell staff at the hospital that there's no one they can reach out to and I'm all alone. In the past they always found it to be kinda funny, like "really? There's literally no one who cares about you?"

It sounds like your friend really cares about you. Don't worry too much about what you'll say to him, he clearly knows you're in a really difficult time and he wants to comfort you, and he won't care if you don't know what to say.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

One of the paramedics who brought me to the hospital checked in with me early this morning, just to see how I was doing.

During the ambulance ride, I told him a bit about my fucked up childhood. The whole time he reassured me that none of it was my fault and that I 100% deserved better, but I could see that he made a horrified expression for a split second when I told him I was sexually abused by my own dad. Can't blame him at all for that, because what happened was indeed horrifying. I was there.

Because my friend thought I already attempted to CTB by the time he received my message, an advanced life support crew was dispatched to my house. What a waste of resources. I hope that the advanced life support truck being sent to me didn't prevent someone else from receiving the appropriate level of care soon enough. I told the paramedic about my concerns and he said that he was just glad that he didn't have to do CPR on me or worse yet, call the coroner.

 

[CatLvr]

One of the paramedics who brought me to the hospital checked in with me early this morning, just to see how I was doing.

During the ambulance ride, I told him a bit about my fucked up childhood. The whole time he reassured me that none of it was my fault and that I 100% deserved better, but I could see that he made a horrified expression for a split second when I told him I was sexually abused by my own dad. Can't blame him at all for that, because what happened was indeed horrifying. I was there.

Because my friend thought I already attempted to CTB by the time he received my message, an advanced life support crew was dispatched to my house. What a waste of resources. I hope that the advanced life support truck being sent to me didn't prevent someone else from receiving the appropriate level of care soon enough. I told the paramedic about my concerns and he said that he was just glad that he didn't have to do CPR on me or worse yet, call the coroner.

One of my brothers is a paramedic. I can promise you he did not say those things because they are trained to. He said them because he meant every word of it.

It will never cease to amaze me how a complete stranger can care for us more than we can care for ourselves sometimes. I don't know if you know this or not but he broke protocol by coming to see you. At least that's how it is here.

I hope you and your friend can get things sorted out for you. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

One of my brothers is a paramedic. I can promise you he did not say those things because they are trained to. He said them because he meant every word of it.

It will never cease to amaze me how a complete stranger can care for us more than we can care for ourselves sometimes. I don't know if you know this or not but he broke protocol by coming to see you. At least that's how it is here.

I hope you and your friend can get things sorted out for you. Please take care of yourself.

Where I live, EMTs/paramedics are allowed to check on patients who are still in the hospital if they get permission from the staff there, as well as the patient themselves. What they can't do is add the patient on social media or find their phone number and reach out that way.

I have an EMT license and although I never ended up working in EMS because of physical and mental health reasons, I'm still familiar with the protocols. And one of the nurses asked me if it was ok for the paramedic to check in with me, before they let him in. So I know for a fact that what he did was ok.

I also know that the paramedic was not obligated to check in with me. Out of all the healthcare workers I've encountered, tbh EMS staff are the only ones who never made me feel patronized or talked down to me.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

My friend visited me for a bit. He told me that he was going to try to talk to the doctors, social workers, etc. to try and extend my stay in the psych ward because it takes longer than 3 days to suspend or revoke someone's firearms license and driver's license. He also said that he was going to let staff in the psych ward know that me acting calm and cooperating with treatment is not actually a good sign. Knowing my friend, I think he's going to make it happen for real. He said that he doesn't care if I hate him for doing this, but he needs to try his best to make sure I don't kill myself. He's relentless when it comes to advocating for himself or for people he cares about. So I don't know how this is going to go.

It seems like without even telling him what I was planning to do after leaving the hospital, he already figured it out. Either that, or someone gave him information and told him what to do. I don't know who that person would be though. I asked him and he said he just knew. Not sure if he's telling the truth or not but I guess it doesn't matter. And I don't think my friend has an account on SS, or knows what my username is on here either.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

A true friend. Sounds like they know you very well.
Are you feeling any better now?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

A true friend. Sounds like they know you very well.
Are you feeling any better now?

Honestly, I have a feeling that he probably reached out to my ex behind my back, because my ex is the only one who knew that I have a firearms license. However, there is a possibility that I got really drunk and high, then revealed to others that I have a firearms license at some point. My friend and my ex never interacted but have each other added on social media. There's no way I can know for sure though because my ex won't respond to any messages I send them.

If that is the case, I still plan to CTB if I can manage to do it before I have to get rid of my apartment and move into dorms at school. I've hurt my ex enough times already and they deserve a final solution to keep themselves from getting hurt by me again. It's a win-win situation. I'll have my peace, and they'll be able to move on without me.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I'll have my peace, and he'll be able to move on without me.

This will end up hurting him more. You were not suicidal 8 months ago, were you?
At least give school a chance. It's only a couple of weeks away.