![Lady Laudanum](/data/avatars/l/93/93125.jpg?1723666680)
Lady Laudanum
Arcanist
- May 9, 2024
- 442
I suspect that you're right. Everyone around me has always said that I'm my worst enemy. Maybe they're right.I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. Don't know you, but I will say that I think you're judging yourself very harshly. You're framing everything bad happening to you as your fault when it isn't the case.
I grew up well-off but my parents were abusive. Up until I was 16, I did really well in school and placed in some pretty significant math competitions. Then I just… went off the rails, I guess. I used to want to study computer science in post-secondary and I knew my chances of getting into a top school were decent. My plan was to also do a minor in biology, so that I could apply to medical school afterwards. That way if it didn't work out, I could still have a good career in tech. I feel like a failure for turning out the way I did even though I came from a well-off family that invested a lot of time and money into my education.
Nowadays I'm a blue collar worker (not specifying exactly what I do), after dropping out from school. I went and got my EMT license but then I was involved in a road rage incident caused by an abusive partner, and I can't do jobs that involve a lot of driving. I also work part time as a bartender at night, and I pick up modelling gigs every now and then too. I'm financially comfortable in a very high cost of living area, but I still feel like I've failed in life because I didn't achieve what I wanted. I have a lot more money than I thought I would at my age (early-mid 20s), but everything that I'm doing is kind of a dead end job. I'm going back to school soon but I know I'll be years behind where I'm supposed to be. Most of my classmates are going to be under 20 years old, and I'm afraid I'll just stick out like a sore thumb.
I objectively know it wasn't my fault for being molested. However, I genuinely feel like every time I was abused by a partner (I've had multiple abusive partners), I deserved it because I consciously chose to be with them and I'm of sound mind. So I should have used better judgement, and getting beat up or getting emotionally abused was the consequence for being dumb.Listen, I don't know your whole story. But I know for sure that you didn't do anything to deserve to be molested. You couldn't have done anything to deserve such a horrible thing, no child ever deserves that. Maybe you've made a lot of mistakes in your life and done things you regret, but being molested isn't on you, that is 100% the fault of the person who did it to you.
The truth is that you weren't in control of that, and it is a horrible thing that happened to you Through no fault of your own. Bad things do happen to people who don't deserve it, all the time. And I know how hard it is to accept. For a long time I blamed myself for my chronic illness, I thought I either did something to cause it or it was punishment from God for the mistakes I made. But the truth is that bad things just happen, often for no reason.
Even with all the pain you feel, you should try to absolve yourself of any guilt you feel over being molested. Because that wasn't your fault.
Please, say it out loud. Say to yourself "It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve that." Even if it doesn't feel true.
I would never judge other people harshly like this. I don't know why I do this to myself. I suspect it's because of the pervasive sense of worthless and chronically low self esteem that I always had for as long as I can remember.
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