i am thinking i might be trans and not non binary femboy.
and i was like omg thats it maybe i can just transition and i wont have suicidal ideation. i have seen many trans people having si crisis and then transition and it stopped.
on the other hand i see many people here that transition and it still not stopping so i am like, should i even bother?
if you are trans and passing, why you still having si? is it still because of gender dysphoria or other issues?
maybe this part of us that want to be trans is constantly active and trying to make us into crisis to change but it happens for so long it becomes chronic even if we change?
idk
plz help
I'm trans (and suppose I pass).
YMMV with transition, but I can speak to my experience.
Pre-transition, I had SI. Even after transition I have SI. But they're two totally different flavors.
Pre-transition SI: "Nothing I do will make me happy"
Post-transition SI: "Even if I find something that makes life worth living, does it even matter?"
Pre-transition SI, for me, came from being fundamentally misunderstood. I was assigned labels like "gifted," "son," and "Catholic" that just weren't me. I was expected to play a role both in my family and in society that I was never meant for. It felt like a casting call gone wrong.
The SI came from feeling alone, and from hopelessness that things would never change. I isolated myself and dove deeply into my schoolwork. That became my identity. I had so much pressure to do things perfectly. I couldn't afford to be vulnerable. And, well, that kind of pressure and relentless achievement can break a person. I can do whatever I set my mind to, but I tend to sacrifice a lot to do it.
"When there's nothing that feels worth living for, why live at all?" sums up those feelings.
Post-transition SI has been different in the sense that now I know that change is possible. I've lived through it. I thought I'd always have to remain a boy, but alas, even that could change.
And transition itself brought all kinds of emotions with it. Joy, grief, sadness... At least I can feel them now. I couldn't even do that before. I still stand by transitioning and am glad I went down this path, even if I was scared. I'm 5 years on HRT and I'll never ever go back.
But transition doesn't take away my sensitivity. Living through both that and an ED gave me firsthand experience in seeing how systems fail vulnerable people who need them. I was hospitalized multiple times, mistreated, and then given a bill for my troubles.
My SI has become less focused on myself and more focused around society. What right does society have to my labor? Why do I owe society anything if they continue to fail me and let me down? When did I agree to this, and how can I renege?
This wave has been all about my frustration with systems and seeing through the cracks. Patriotism means far less to me than it did when I was younger. Corporate bullshit doesn't have the same effect on me that it used to. Churches become less about celebrating what makes us human and instead resort to protecting insiders. The healthcare system exists to protect shareholders, not patients.
I'm quite disillusioned, as you can tell. And while I have faith in my own ability to change, I don't believe that these institutions are going to change anytime soon. They're too baked into our social structure. And that sucks because... I really don't want to live in a world where I have to deal with these day in and day out.
Plus, there are existential questions I've been wrestling with. What does any of this matter? Who cares? Why am I here?
That being said, transition helped me find things that were worth living for. I like being able to mentor others. I enjoy public speaking even if it's scary. And it gave me my lovely little cat too.
It's those things that keep me around, or at the very least, debating whether or not it's worth it for me to pull the trigger.
So I'd characterize this wave as, "Is the pain of life worth the things you've found that are worth living for?"
Different question. I'd rather be wrestling with this one than the last one though.
