My decision has been made

[Jessi76]

Hello everyone,

I don't know if I'll get replies to this thread, but I just have to talk about it. I've waited long enough to see if my life gets better. And right now it doesn't look like that. A few things have gotten better, but the things that made me feel suicidal haven't gotten better.
Now I have made a decision. Unless a miracle happens, or there is no sign (haha yes, I asked the universe for one earlier) to move on, I will end my life next Friday.
I just have to decide whether to take SN or 1.4 BDO in combination with drowning in a river with a lot of undercurrents (the chances of survival are not very great there)

How I feel about the decision - on the one hand I am totally relieved - on the other hand I also feel a little regret, but I know that the decision - no matter what it turns out to be - is the right one.
I hope that if I choose SN I won't stand out. Unfortunately, the house I live in is a bit noisy and I get along very well with the neighbors.
If I survive SN, I would have 2 days to get fit again without attracting attention - at least I hope so.

I'm glad that this forum has a place where I can talk openly. It feels incredibly good. So far I've been reading along to find out more. Now I realize how good it feels to write something myself.
Thanks for that...

 

[moron]

Hello Jessi,

Your thoughts are similar to mine, not only the relief I feel in having a forum for frank discussion of the suicidal thoughts i sometimes have, but also your SN dilemma. Ideally SN would just work haha, and there would be no need to get back in shape to rejoin society lol. But yes that's a consideration for me as well.

Pardon my ignorance but I have not heard of anything called 1.4 BDO, surely this is something I will Google after hitting send on this message.

So do you already have access to SN, or is it something that is easy to acquire in a short timeframe where you are located? Where I am (US) you have to order it in the mail and I hear it takes a few weeks to get it.

Can I ask, are you a young person or older, do you have a family or people you would leave behind? Why are you feeling suicidal, if you want to talk about it?

Good luck to you,

Edit: I browsed your post history and you have already answered many of the questions I had for you. I can only wish the best for you, I am sorry to hear about the struggles you have had in your personal and professional life. The good thing about having the SN, as you do, is that it will be there for you any time you decide you are ready. I expect it will remain potent for quite some time, especially if you keep it vacuum sealed.

A follow-up question, what are they thoughts on the idea of drinking a lethal dose of 50 grams SN dissolved in liquid, and then rectally administering another 50 grams dissolved in liquid? Have you thought about this, or read anything about it? I can't speak about it with any authority, but I have to think it would increase the chance that the attempt would succeed if done this way

Thank you,

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Hey I also have no idea what that second method is tbh, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a really nice person, so I hope you can find peace for yourself. And if you change your mind you're always welcome here. I still hope that miracle happens cause we need more nice ppl but I'm sure in the end it'll work out for you. If you end up getting better or decide to go, best of luck either way

 

[Jessi76]

Hello Jessi,

Your thoughts are similar to mine, not only the relief I feel in having a forum for frank discussion of the suicidal thoughts i sometimes have, but also your SN dilemma. Ideally SN would just work haha, and there would be no need to get back in shape to rejoin society lol. But yes that's a consideration for me as well.

Pardon my ignorance but I have not heard of anything called 1.4 BDO, surely this is something I will Google after hitting send on this message.

So do you already have access to SN, or is it something that is easy to acquire in a short timeframe where you are located? Where I am (US) you have to order it in the mail and I hear it takes a few weeks to get it.

Can I ask, are you a young person or older, do you have a family or people you would leave behind? Why are you feeling suicidal, if you want to talk about it?

Good luck to you,

Edit: I browsed your post history and you have already answered many of the questions I had for you. I can only wish the best for you, I am sorry to hear about the struggles you have had in your personal and professional life. The good thing about having the SN, as you do, is that it will be there for you any time you decide you are ready. I expect it will remain potent for quite some time, especially if you keep it vacuum sealed.

A follow-up question, what are they thoughts on the idea of drinking a lethal dose of 50 grams SN dissolved in liquid, and then rectally administering another 50 grams dissolved in liquid? Have you thought about this, or read anything about it? I can't speak about it with any authority, but I have to think it would increase the chance that the attempt would succeed if done this way

Thank you,

Thank you very much for your reply. I am 47 years old. And you? I am divorced and live alone. But unfortunately have very vigilant neighbors. I'm still trying to find a solution. My problem is that although my private area has developed very positively, the job area is still a very big problem.
And since he's always been that way in my life, it tires me out... I don't want to look for a new job all the time that doesn't work out. I'm so tired of failing over and over again... But being unemployed is not an option for me either.

My SN should still be fine. I opened it a week ago for testing, but stowed it away tightly again. But before I take it, I'm going to test it again just to be on the safe side... otherwise I still have option B.

May I ask what brought you here and to this point?


BDO is 1,4-butanediol. Here in the forum there are some threads about it. It was through one of these that I came up with it.

Hey I also have no idea what that second method is tbh, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a really nice person, so I hope you can find peace for yourself. And if you change your mind you're always welcome here. I still hope that miracle happens cause we need more nice ppl but I'm sure in the end it'll work out for you. If you end up getting better or decide to go, best of luck either way

Thank you very much for your kind words. You also sound like you're a great person.
Maybe a miracle will happen for both of us.
As far as I'm concerned, if there's a clear sign, I'll try to keep going. I can always make a new decision if everything deteriorates again. If there is no sign, I'll just end it. And somehow I feel a little freer now, because I have the choice.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry life is so rough to you. I can relate somehow. When life doesn't get better CTB is an option. I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do.


@moron @CloudyNightSky 1,4 BDO guide:

https://www.sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/butanediol-guide.127862/

 

[Jessi76]

A follow-up question, what are they thoughts on the idea of drinking a lethal dose of 50 grams SN dissolved in liquid, and then rectally administering another 50 grams dissolved in liquid? Have you thought about this, or read anything about it? I can't speak about it with any authority, but I have to think it would increase the chance that the attempt would succeed if done this way

Thank you,

I think you shouldn't make the dose too high because the risk of failure due to vomiting is too great. I'm also not sure whether I should take the recommended dose or stay a little lower to reduce the vomiting...

 

[matt1968]

I wish you all the very best whatever you decide

 

[Jessi76]

I wish you all the very best whatever you decide

Thanks so much

 

[Goku Black]

I'm also not sure whether I should take the recommended dose or stay a little lower to reduce the vomiting...

I haven't seen anything to indicate that taking a smaller amount of sn will reduce the chances of vomiting, this is seriously lethal poison so any bit of vomiting will be your body's reaction to save your life regardless of the amount.

 

[Jessi76]

I haven't seen anything to indicate that taking a smaller amount of sn will reduce the chances of vomiting, this is seriously lethal poison so any bit of vomiting will be your reactions to save your life regardless of the amount.

Thanks for the reply. I had read about a few people who took smaller amounts and would have been successful if they hadn't gotten help.That's why I came up with the idea. But luckily, you can be successful despite vomiting. Then I'd better stick to the recommended dose

 

[Goku Black]

Thanks for the reply. I had read about a few people who took smaller amounts and would have been successful if they hadn't gotten help.That's why I came up with the idea. But luckily, you can be successful despite vomiting. Then I'd better stick to the recommended dose

That's accurate, I've read quite about sn on medical cases and there have been people who've died from 18g but survived from 12g but this is due to swift medical intervention, the amount at some point ceases to matter because if 2g can be the minimum required to kill you then anything beyond that puts you at greater risk of death, just look at what happened to @Toobrokentofix when he tried 2g of SN, anymore and he most likely would've died. Anyway, there's been a variety of amounts people have died from, but yes, the main reason why most people have survived from this method is calling for help so you are right and if you don't and manage to keep yourself from doing so, be it sedating yourself with benzos if you have them, there's a great chance you'll die if not treated promptly due to how rapid Methemoglobinemias affect is, I've even read of a 23 year old who drank SN accidentally and had OHCA which is out of hospital cardiac arrest although that was actually the 1st time I've seen someone that young take sn accidentally, not intentionally to ctb, he definitely would've died if he didn't get treatment but luckily he did.

And yes, you can successful in spite of vomiting and the longer its held in, the more likely its already working up the bloodstream although the less you've taken with regards to the amount, the more likely you are to expel more of it to survive, like taking one tablespoon and vomiting it out.

 

[Meteora]

Hey Jessie

I think I can understand you very well, I m in a similar situations, yet not definitly decided when I ll die.
If "76" is your birth year then we re at a similar age.
I would like to ask you what you wish for to continue with your life, what the things are that did not happen?

Life is so tough and everyone has to fight on their own.
Sending you strength for every upcoming thing.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Sorry @Jessi76 ~sort of running on short supply of words at present, but just wanted to pass or send along my caring thoughts, regardless, as my (short term) memory is pretty poor these days! :) Best in all you do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in whatever happens, I understand why you'd feel relieved at having the choice.

 

[Jessi76]

Das ist richtig, ich habe ziemlich viel über SN in medizinischen Fällen gelesen und es gab Menschen, die an 18 g gestorben sind, aber an 12 g überlebt haben, aber das ist auf eine schnelle medizinische Intervention zurückzuführen, die Menge spielt irgendwann keine Rolle mehr, denn wenn 2 g das Minimum sein können, das erforderlich ist, um Sie zu töten, dann setzt Sie alles, was darüber hinausgeht, einem größeren Sterberisiko aus. Schauen Sie sich nur an, was mit @Toobrokentofix passiert ist, als er 2g SN ausprobiert hat, und er wäre höchstwahrscheinlich gestorben. Wie auch immer, es gab eine Vielzahl von Mengen, an denen Menschen gestorben sind, aber ja, der Hauptgrund, warum die meisten Menschen mit dieser Methode überlebt haben, ist, um Hilfe zu rufen, also hast du Recht, und wenn du es nicht tust und es schaffst, dich davon abzuhalten, sei es, dass du dich mit Benzos sedierst, wenn du welche hast, besteht eine große Chance, dass du stirbst, wenn du nicht sofort behandelt wirst, da die Methämoglobinämie so schnell wirkt. Ich habe sogar von einem 23-Jährigen gelesen, der versehentlich SN getrunken hat und OHCA hatte, was ein Herzstillstand außerhalb des Krankenhauses ist, obwohl das tatsächlich das erste Mal war, dass ich jemanden gesehen habe, der so jung SN versehentlich genommen hat, nicht absichtlich zu CTB, er wäre definitiv gestorben, wenn er keine Behandlung bekommen hätte, aber zum Glück hat er es getan.

Exactly, I read that too. Or the German who only took 2 grams, went to the hospital and in the hospital they didn't even find out why he was in that condition (which I also really want if I were to get caught). There was also a discussion in this forum about whether it also works with a smaller amount.

But if I take the recommended amount and throw up too much, I may fail
And that's exactly what confuses me about the quantity. I don't want to survive... I want it to work the first time.
Maybe I'll try a smaller amount. If I read correctly, 2 days should be enough to get fit again, otherwise I'll just call in sick at work.
But on the other hand, I also weigh around 100 kg... As you can see, these points are a bit unsettling to me at the moment

 

[Goku Black]

Exactly, I read that too. Or the German who only took 2 grams, went to the hospital and in the hospital they didn't even find out why he was in that condition (which I also really want if I were to get caught). There was also a discussion in this forum about whether it also works with a smaller amount.

But if I take the recommended amount and throw up too much, I may fail
And that's exactly what confuses me about the quantity. I don't want to survive... I want it to work the first time.
Maybe I'll try a smaller amount. If I read correctly, 2 days should be enough to get fit again, otherwise I'll just call in sick at work.
But on the other hand, I also weigh around 100 kg... As you can see, these points are a bit unsettling to me at the moment

One thing I've noticed about SN is that it can be rather "easy" to die from, there was a user I spoke to who isn't around anymore for other reasons but she once told me that she took SN and almost died despite doing things that are likely to cause failure which they did for her so as much as we fear failure from it and rightly so, this compound is serious stuff, it's rather simple in our anxiety that this method has every chance at successfully ctb just as much as we can fail from it due to user error or our own instinctual fear of death taking over. There's been articles about this and I'm going to quote what a particular one about the deaths related to Amazon's sn says:

"Almost two-thirds of people who die by suicide perish on their first attempt. Interviews of survivors and studies of the risk of repeated attempts at suicide indicate that people who survive their attempts are at a low risk of dying by suicide later. People who attempt suicide by sodium nitrate, though, often succeed. The chemical, which can be used as an antidote to cyanide poisoning and to preserve meat, is highly lethal even in low concentrations. "

Obviously they replaced Nitrite with Nitrate but you get the idea here.

I think taking according to what the regimen states is keeping within what's worked before for others but you don't need to take 25g, you could always take 20 or even the lowest possible being 18g, @LetzteAusfahrt, a user who took just sn and Ibuprofen was around your weight and he ctb'd from 25g so I suppose because you're bigger in weight, you may need to stick to what's ont the regimen as I can't tell you whether or not, taking a smaller amount will work just as if you took a bit more.

in the event of failure, please reach out for medical help because the amount ingested literally means life or death in most circumstances where simply getting rested at home may not be the answer especially if your O2 levels drop below 80%, it's a rather dangerous situation to be in.

 

[Jessi76]

One thing I've noticed about SN is that it can be rather "easy" to die from, there was a user I spoke to who isn't around anymore for other reasons but she once told me that she took SN and almost died despite doing things that are likely to cause failure which they did for her so as much as we fear failure from it and rightly so, this compound is serious stuff, it's rather simple in our anxiety that this method has every chance at successfully ctb just as much as we can fail from it due to user error or our own instinctual fear of death taking over. There's been articles about this and I'm going to quote what a particular one about the deaths related to Amazon's sn says:

"Almost two-thirds of people who die by suicide perish on their first attempt. Interviews of survivors and studies of the risk of repeated attempts at suicide indicate that people who survive their attempts are at a low risk of dying by suicide later. People who attempt suicide by sodium nitrate, though, often succeed. The chemical, which can be used as an antidote to cyanide poisoning and to preserve meat, is highly lethal even in low concentrations. "

Obviously they replaced Nitrite with Nitrate but you get the idea here.

I think taking according to what the regimen states is keeping within what's worked before for others but you don't need to take 25g, you could always take 20 or even the lowest possible being 18g, @LetzteAusfahrt, a user who took just sn and Ibuprofen was around your weight and he ctb'd from 25g so I suppose because you're bigger in weight, you may need to stick to what's ont the regimen as I can't tell you whether or not, taking a smaller amount will work just as if you took a bit more.

in the event of failure, please reach out for medical help because the amount ingested literally means life or death in most circumstances where simply getting rested at home may not be the answer especially if your O2 levels drop below 80%, it's a rather dangerous situation to be in.

Many thanks for the answer. The fact that 2/3 are successful with the method sounds very promising.

But as far as medical help in the event of a failed attempt is concerned:
that's exactly what I want to avoid...I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital and have to justify myself to my family. One failed attempt is bad enough (I had one in the summer with the night-night method).
I would lose the little bit that makes my life even remotely worth living if I make a failed attempt... what's left then?

 

[Goku Black]

that's exactly what I want to avoid...I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital and have to justify myself to my family. One failed attempt is bad enough (I had one in the summer with the night-night method).

For what it's worth, neither do I, I don't want to survive at all costs from this but it's the best I could do hence why I've spent a great deal of time learning what fails and what doesn't although certain things will remain out of my control once I drink SN.

 

[Jessi76]

For what it's worth, neither do I, I don't want to survive at all costs from this but it's the best I could do hence why I've spent a great deal of time learning what fails and what doesn't although certain things will remain out of my control once I drink SN.

How, for example, the vomiting, or be found ? Yes, I've already done a lot of research about the method with SN in this forum - read many threads about it to find out how I can prevent a failed attempt... One of my main problems is that I could be too loud... because of heavy breathing, or the snoring sound while I'm dying. Although I also read last that it is too late to be saved anyway if you have this breathing. Vomit shouldn't be a problem... I sometimes have a few stomach problems and my neighbors know about it

 

[ropearoundatree]

Also could depend on your health too, @Jessi76 ... in terms of, among other things, any underlying conditions: in my case, in theory- any way; I should be ('pretty,') screwed! Who knows, though? Which is why: absent of being able to get my hands on some of the other pre-req's, I am not that interested in experimenting w/it. As I, too, have no intention(s) of failure--or of, "failing" & furthermore - there are other methods available that will have to suffice.~*

 

[Goku Black]

any way; I should be ('pretty,') screwed! Who knows, though? Which is why: absent of being able to get my hands on some of the other pre-req's, I am not that interested in experimenting w/it

I wouldn't want to either, considering I have arrhythmia issues like tachycardia and irregular heartbeat already so even anything above 2g could possibly put me close to death although it wouldn't be quick so I do not want to even experiment with it, last time I opened SN, my skin was slightly itchy and I got a little lightheaded.

One of my main problems is that I could be too loud... because of heavy breathing, or the snoring sound while I'm dying. Although I also read last that it is too late to be saved anyway if you have this breathing. Vomit shouldn't be a problem... I sometimes have a few stomach problems and my neighbors know about it

True, it is something to be concerned about considering you wouldn't want anyone to be alerted to what you are doing, do you know how serious those stomach problems are at all? Yeah that snoring breathing is agonal respiration, I've seen it described in the inquest of Elia Wani who died from SN even though he was taken to hospital but at that point, by the time his family found him, he was already gone due to being into bradycardia which means his pulse was real slow, most people I've seen reported at this point after ingesting sn are practically dead due to how difficult it is to reverse high MetHB levels and cardiac arrest.

 

[Jessi76]

Also could depend on your health too, @Jessi76 ... in terms of, among other things, any underlying conditions: in my case, in theory- any way; I should be ('pretty,') screwed! Who knows, though? Which is why: absent of being able to get my hands on some of the other pre-req's, I am not that interested in experimenting w/it. As I, too, have no intention(s) of failure--or of, "failing" & furthermore - there are other methods available that will have to suffice.~*

My stomach problem is just intolerances. If I eat too much fat too often, I get problems. But with SN I shouldn't get any. I tolerate salty things well. I drink often without any problems getting electrolytes and they are already quite salty. I will also eat a very low-fat diet until Friday and not eat anything that is heavy on the stomach

 

[Goku Black]

But with SN I shouldn't get any. I tolerate salty things well. I drink often without any problems getting electrolytes and they are already quite salty. I will also eat a very low-fat diet until Friday and not eat anything that is heavy on the stomach

Then you should be fine with all this considered. Are you thinking about ctb anytime soon? Keeping the stomach empty in the lead up to it is rather important also, the less, the better.

 

[Jessi76]

Then you should be fine with all this considered. Are you thinking about ctb anytime soon? Keeping the stomach empty in the lead up to it is rather important also, the less, the better.

However, I get heartburn quickly. I'm thinking about taking something to reduce stomach acid. However, this was also discouraged...
I wanted to fast at least 8 hours before. Until Wednesday I decide whether I will do the 2 day cure or the Stat dose. The latter would be easy to organize, since I still go to work beforehand.

 

[Goku Black]

However, I get heartburn quickly. I'm thinking about taking something to reduce stomach acid. However, this was also discouraged...
I wanted to fast at least 8 hours before. Until Wednesday I decide whether I will do the 2 day cure or the Stat dose. The latter would be easy to organize, since I still go to work beforehand.

I don't think it'd be a bad idea to get Antacid, a couple of users had it as part of their regimens. These days, a lot of regimens are more about what you can get in order to make things easier, like getting benzos or getting meclizine over meto. I think either one is something you can't go wrong with, the hardest part of all will be gathering the courage to drink it. I've measured out 25g of SN in water after breakfast one time, it had a off-yellow color but no distinct smell, it looked like normal water with a slightly weird color to it, anyway, i nearly drank it but knew that if I did, it wouldn't work but the truly, the hard is drinking with knowing what comes next.

 

[Jessi76]

I don't think it'd be a bad idea to get Antacid, a couple of users had it as part of their regimens. These days, a lot of regimens are more about what you can get in order to make things easier, like getting benzos or getting meclizine over meto. I think either one is something you can't go wrong with, the hardest part of all will be gathering the courage to drink it. I've measured out 25g of SN in water after breakfast one time, it had a off-yellow color but no distinct smell, it looked like normal water with a slightly weird color to it, anyway, i nearly drank it but knew that if I did, it wouldn't work but the truly, the hard is drinking with knowing what comes next.

I'm determined that if I have even the slightest doubt on Friday, I won't do a CTB. Otherwise, it would go wrong, I would probably panic and seek help.

 

[Goku Black]

I'm determined that if I have even the slightest doubt on Friday, I won't do a CTB. Otherwise, it would go wrong, I would probably panic and seek help.

Yea, there's absolutely nothing wrong in backing out if you think it isn't time. Problem is, we'll never know if we'll succeed until we do it, we rely on statistics of how deadly these methods are to at least give us an idea of where we stand on the chances of a successful ctb.

 

[moron]

Yea, there's absolutely nothing wrong in backing out if you think it isn't time. Problem is, we'll never know if we'll succeed until we do it, we rely on statistics of how deadly these methods are to at least give us an idea of where we stand on the chances of a successful ctb.

Man, the part that drives me crazy about it is that you don't know that it worked. If it fails, you'll wake up at some point and realize that it failed. But if it succeeds, the light goes out and you never get the satisfaction of knowing you escaped. Good luck to you Goku and to anyone reading this message

 

[Goku Black]

Man, the part that drives me crazy about it is that you don't know that it worked. If it fails, you'll wake up at some point and realize that it failed. But if it succeeds, the light goes out and you never get the satisfaction of knowing you escaped. Good luck to you Goku and to anyone reading this message

That's fair, it would cause a great amount of concern to many people. You'll never know if it succeeded because there won't be a way to know once your dead, thank you and good luck to you as well.

 

[moron]

Thank you very much for your reply. I am 47 years old. And you?

May I ask what brought you here and to this point?

Hello Jessi, thank you for your inquiry. I am 39. I have been trying to apply some thought to your question, why I find myself contemplating ending it. Well, I have ruined my life in a very serious way, and I have been living without hope for a few years.

My parents and grandparents are deceased, and I am estranged from the rest of my family for years at this time. I have no friends. I am divorced and living in poverty in very precarious conditions. I have a criminal record which severely limits my employment and housing options. My prospects are the future are very bleak, and I cannot imagine a way or a time when they will improve. I am filled with regret over bad choices I have made over the years. I only imagine my situation getting worse as I get older as my health declines. I don't want to have to live 20, 30, or 40 more years just barely surviving month by month, working menial jobs, and hating myself for losing the life I used to have. I can't look at the bright side anymore, and it would just be a relief for my life to be over. I wake up in the worst mood ever, every day, and I just feel hopeless to climb out of the hole I have dug myself into.

Perhaps something good will happen in my life, maybe I will repair my relationship with my brother or my friends, or perhaps I will get my criminal record erased and be able to build a rewarding career again. But these things don't seem likely.

Maybe I won't exit any time soon, but it brings me comfort to think of the possibility that i could do it any time I decide that life has truly become unbearable. I just wish it was easier to accomplish, or that success would be assured if I decided to attempt.

I expect you understand a lot of the things I have described, and I wish you all the best.