Monday is my deadline

[axorz]

Yes, you do. I think that it seems the best method, though.
Not long after I became suicidal, I would pass close to a train and feel almost as if it would be peaceful to step in front. I was only passively suicidal then, and it was a long time ago, but still...it seems about as terrifying as any other method.
It's supposedly very reliable, which is the most important thing. It's the most reliable method that I feel able to attempt.
I'd probably prefer train to hanging (probably the next most reliable). I've tried asphyxiating myself before and I hated the feeling of not being able to breathe. But with train there's a good chance of instant or near-instant death.
But yeah, it would be a hard way to go.

your plan is just put yourself in front train? dont do it bro it will hurt and maybe dont kill you

 

[Anarchy]

your plan is just put yourself in front train? dont do it bro it will hurt and maybe dont kill you

Well, my plan is to get drunk first. Yeah, it will probably hurt, but it's the most reliable method I have.

 

[lv-gras]

Thanks. At least it makes me more sure that friendships are almost certainly unattainable for me.
Despite everything, I couldn't imagine thinking in a different way or being a different person.

Respect you for sticking to how you are. There are good and bad.

It can be possible to make friends if you are, but it is more difficult. And often with others who are strange.

 

[axorz]

Well, my plan is to get drunk first. Yeah, it will probably hurt, but it's the most reliable method I have.

train suicide is so violent and i never could do it, but if i have to do i will just put my neck in to rails instead of just jump in front

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

i dont understand. you are 16 cant you make a trip on your own?

like ask you parents you want to walk the
Camino de Santiago to find yourself or whatever

 

[Anarchy]

Respect you for sticking to how you are. There are good and bad.

It can be possible to make friends if you are, but it is more difficult. And often with others who are strange.

Thanks.
I've only ever met one person who I wanted to be friends with, and they ignored me.
Maybe theoretically it is possible, but I'm not sure how it can be for me.
I stay at home all the time now, and even if I were to go out, the chance that I would find someone who approached me amd talked to me, and who I thought genuine, is near impossible.
They'd have to approach me because of my social anxiety and difficulty in talking (I sometimes suspect that I have selective mutism).
In all my years at school, the only person who ever spoke to me more than a few times, other than my former best friend (who was incredibly self-absorbed) was the person who ignored me.
16 years, one person, and it ended up with my being ignored.
It was rare for people to greet me in school.
I just can't seem to make friends. Even the person who made an effort with me and who I cared about, ignored me when anyone else came along.
Even someone acknowledging me is extremely rare, let alone talking to me. For someone to talk to me consistently, care for me, not ignore me, and for me to care for them, would be a fairytale.

 

[Anarchy]

i dont understand. you are 16 cant you make a trip on your own?

like ask you parents you want to walk the
Camino de Santiago to find yourself or whatever

Nope. I struggle with basics tasks, let alone going for a trip on my own. My parents barely leave me home alone.

Also, it wouldn't be worth it or make sense for me.
I don't even go to town on my own, never mind out of the country.

 

[lv-gras]

Thanks.
I've only ever met one person who I wanted to be friends with, and they ignored me.
Maybe theoretically it is possible, but I'm not sure how it can be for me.
I stay at home all the time now, and even if I were to go out, the chance that I would find someone who approached me amd talked to me, and who I thought genuine, is near impossible....

one reason why glad the internet exists now, personally

 

[Mr2004]

I've given some hope to one teenager today. I can try doing it again, the question is would you want to be helped if you could be? It's my beleif that at your age you can. End of the year for me by the way

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I haven't set a specific date for a long while, because I was scared of backing out. Ideally, I would like to attempt before Monday, but I need everyone else to be out of the house. My dad works on weekdays, so it's more likely that I'd be left home alone then.
I'd have to rely on my sister and mother going out, though.
At the moment, I'm not scared about the possibility of being maimed.

The thing that is making me most nervous, is that I can't pick a specific time and it's hard to mentally prepare, because I don't known when I will be left alone.

I'm going to bring my tablet with me and listen to music, and hopefully that will make it more bearable.

I'm looking forward to being home alone.

I feel calm in a way that I don't think I have before. I'm a bit worried that I'll be scared when I attempt, and that consequently, I will be unsure about it.
But I feel very certain about it right now.
It should all end in a few days, max.
I haven't written a note, but I might do.

Now to enjoy what should be my last moments. I want to be able to feel like I'm ready to go at any time.

Anarchy, for such a young person you have a real talent for writing, and given that authors generally write according to what they know, (personal experience), you could really help others gain an understanding. How wonderful that would be. An end to the stigma, mayhaps an end to sectioning, and money for you. I would love to be able to write as you do. Alas, I no longer can...smile. I realize that you must make up your own mind, and I respect your wishes so forgive me, but I hope you are still here Monday and I hope you continue to write. Of one thing I am certain it would be an inspirational work. Good luck my young friend.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

thats just sad man


fuck your parents...you are willing to throw yourself in front of a train but you dont have the balls to travel on your own ...

but okay ... maybe you are too far gone

wish you all the best and eat some decent food

 

[Anarchy]

1768"]Anarchy, for such a young person you have a real talent for writing, and given that authors generally write according to what they gain an understanding. How wonderful that would be. An end to the stigma, mayhaps an end to sectioning, and money for you. I would love to be able to write as you do. Alas, I no longer can...smile. I realize that you must make up your own mind, and I respect your wishes so forgive me, but I hope you are still here Monday and I hope you continue to write. Of one thing I am certain it would be an inspirational work. Good luck my young friend.[/QUOTE]
Thank you. It truly pains me that I will have to give up writing and thinking and imagining.
I'd love to write if things were different. I think that if there are such things as alternate realities, I am an author in one of them.
I'd like to use my writing to argue for the right to die, and for the abolishing of sectioning, but, it would be very hard to motivate myself to write. Also, I remind myself that there are many, many people who write well and advocate these things, so my contribution would not be very significant in the grand scheme of things.
Perhaps it is better to leave the changing the world and inspiring to the people who have the motivation and energy.
But, if I were coping well, I would almost certainly become an author.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

1768"]Anarchy, for such a young person you have a real talent for writing, and given that authors generally write according to what they gain an understanding. How wonderful that would be. An end to the stigma, mayhaps an end to sectioning, and money for you. I would love to be able to write as you do. Alas, I no longer can...smile. I realize that you must make up your own mind, and I respect your wishes so forgive me, but I hope you are still here Monday and I hope you continue to write. Of one thing I am certain it would be an inspirational work. Good luck my young friend.

Thank you. It truly pains me that I will have to give up writing and thinking and imagining.
I'd love to write if things were different. I think that if there are such things as alternate realities, I am an author in one of them.
I'd like to use my writing to argue for the right to die, and for the abolishing of sectioning, but, it would be very hard to motivate myself to write. Also, I remind myself that there are many, many people who write well and advocate these things, so my contribution would not be very significant in the grand scheme of things.
Perhaps it is better to leave the changing the world and inspiring to the people who have the motivation and energy.
But, if I were coping well, I would almost certainly become an author.[/QUOTE]
Anarchy, just write the way you do here. How great your understanding of the issues most of us are faced with. Could you compile a list of your comments on this site? That in itself would be a revelation, and quite conceivably a book.
Neither does it matter that others have written as advocates. Your views are unique, personal, and emotionally charged. That is art Anarchy...the ability to make others feel. Not a scholastic work, just...the truth.

 

[RitaM]

You say you want to be an author. You write really well. I'm an editor so I hope that means something to you.

What's to stop you just writing? Writing and writing and writing? You can be an author. You're 16 - so young. What about an OU degree? They have lots of English-based degrees to choose from, and you don't have to go anywhere or see anyone if you don't want to. Why not give it at least until you're 18? You're clearly very bright.

But if you really still decide you can't, I wish you find peace whatever method you choose (hopefully not a train), and I hope that this thread has at least helped you to feel less ignored.

 

[Anarchy]

Thank you. It truly pains me that I will have to give up writing and thinking and imagining.
I'd love to write if things were different. I think that if there are such things as alternate realities, I am an author in one of them.
I'd like to use my writing to argue for the right to die, and for the abolishing of sectioning, but, it would be very hard to motivate myself to write. Also, I remind myself that there are many, many people who write well and advocate these things, so my contribution would not be very significant in the grand scheme of things.
Perhaps it is better to leave the changing the world and inspiring to the people who have the motivation and energy.
But, if I were coping well, I would almost certainly become an author.

Anarchy, just write the way you do here. How great your understanding of the issues most of us are faced with. Could you compile a list of your comments on this site? That in itself would be a revelation.[/QUOTE]

I could.
I wouldn't tell the story of my life because there are things that I don't want people to know. The acquaintance at school who I loved, had no idea that I loved them and probably didn't even know that I cared about them, and I would not want them to find out, because they would probably pity me, or think that I'm not right in the head and don't know what I'm saying. But it would feel wrong to omit that, because they are one of the main reasons I feel suicidal.
I wouldn't want my parents to know just how intensely I dislike them, and how I disrespect them and want nothing to do with them. They would probably tarnish my memory, with that. Get people to believe that I was irrational and incapable of caring about others.
I would like to go anyway.
But maybe, I could write a long suicide note with my general view in, and advocate for the right to die and such in that. The nature of the note would give it more credibility than anything I could write while alive.

 

[RitaM]

Why are you so afraid of people knowing what you think or how you feel about them? It's OK to make yourself heard, to express yourself and have your own ideas and opinions on things. We all have a right to that.

 

[RitaM]

And yes, sometimes people won't like what they hear. They might disapprove. They might fall out with us. Tough shit.

 

[Anarchy]

You say you want to be an author. You write really well. I'm an editor so I hope that means something to you.

What's to stop you just writing? Writing and writing and writing? You can be an author. You're 16 - so young. What about an OU degree? They have lots of English-based degrees to choose from, and you don't have to go anywhere or see anyone if you don't want to. Why not give it at least until you're 18? You're clearly very bright.

But if you really still decide you can't, I wish you find peace whatever method you choose (hopefully not a train), and I hope that this thread has at least helped you to feel less ignored.

Thank you. I'd love to write, but I don't have the energy or motivation. I feel tired and isolated all of the time, so writing doesn't really work as escapism anymore.
I don't enjoy it as I used to. Maybe it would be better to die knowing that I could have been a great author, than live forcing myself to write and feeling like a very bad author.

The memories are too painful. It's said that people tend to focus on the positive memories, and that's true. The most positive memories I have are of being around the person I loved. But they're not even posiitve; they've been painful ever since that person decided that they didn't want anything to do with me.
I hate that the more time passes, the more distant I feel to those times I spent with them. The more times passes, the more indifferent I feel towards them, and I can't feel indifferent towards them. They are the most amazing person I've ever met. I can't think of them indifferently.
I thought that they were my soul mate. I would have done anything for them. I can't pretend they don't exist, amd I can't acknowledge that they do, because it pains me too much that they are not in my life anymore and will never be again.
If I had behaved differently, they might still be in my life.

I'm not even a thiest, but I sometimes believe that when I die, I'll be reincarnated back into this life, and see them again and be with them. Or maybe if there is a heaven, they'd be there.

 

[Anarchy]

Why are you so afraid of people knowing what you think or how you feel about them? It's OK to make yourself heard, to express yourself and have your own ideas and opinions on things. We all have a right to that.

And yes, sometimes people won't like what they hear. They might disapprove. They might fall out with us. Tough shit.

I'm not afraid, necessarily. I don't really care what others think of me.
But nobody takes me seriously. By nature of being my words, what I write will be unbelievable.
People will think that I'm delusional from what I write. Wanting to die for an acquaintance...hating family who everyone else sees as good...having very violent thoughts involving others... They would be quick to label me as unhinged.
It's not so much that I care about what people think.
But by their act of dismissing my words as crazy talk, they'd permanently tarnish my memory. They'd think that it's too crazy to be true, and with that, all of my life will have been invalidated.

 

[RitaM]

I'm sorry. I do understand. And I remember being 16. I'm going to try to sleep now, but I hope that you will have a tolerable night and perhaps get some sleep yourself.

 

[Anarchy]

I'm sorry. I do understand. And I remember being 16. I'm going to try to sleep now, but I hope that you will have a tolerable night and perhaps get some sleep yourself.

Thanks. Have a tolerable night yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I'm not afraid, necessarily. I don't really care what others think of me.
But nobody takes me seriously. By nature of being my words, what I write will be unbelievable.
People will think that I'm delusional from what I write. Wanting to die for an acquaintance...hating family who everyone else sees as good...having very violent thoughts involving others... They would be quick to label me as unhinged.
It's not so much that I care about what people think.
But by their act of dismissing my words as crazy talk, they'd permanently tarnish my memory. They'd think that it's too crazy to be true, and with that, all of my life will have been invalidated.

Life IS stranger than fiction Anarchy, and you could always write under a pseudonym. As for not taking you seriously...smile...take a look at the posts, and then tell me that no one believes you. Sorry Anarchy. I do understand, I really do. It is just so rare to see such talent, and well, forgive me. I am not judging or berating you...merely saddened by events that would bring you to this point. Thank you for being there for all of us...hugs.

 

[Anarchy]

Life IS stranger than fiction Anarchy, and you could always write under a pseudonym. As for not taking you seriously...take a look at the posts, and then tell me that no one believes you.

True. But I suppose it takes a certain kind of person to understand my 'crazy'; for example, suicidal people. Most people would probably dismiss it as dramatic nonsense and get a completely wrong sense of who I am.
I don't generally care what people think of me but I just can't stand being dismissed.
I chose the username anarchy because I believe that all governments worldwide should be abolished, and that there should be no leaders at all.
I can't explain my view and reasoning regarding why I support anarchy to anyone, without them thinking that I'm delusional and don't know how things work amd am naïve.
If I were to explain the things that I hate the most, people would think me an offensive extremist.
Maybe I'm catostrophising a little, but many people would criticse it, and I don't take well to being criticised. I didn't used to mind it, but now being criticised adds to the sense I already have that I'm delusional and that my thinking is invalid in society. It also makes me feel overlookable.
I could use a pseudynom, but if I were to write personal things, there's a good chance that my identity would be uncovered.
Maybe I'm completely catostraphising and criticism wouldn't affect me at all, but even then...
I'd still want to kill myself pretty soon. So, writing a novel would seem too long. Short personal/ persuasive pieces would seem more appropiate, but they'd be much more controversial.
I don't have a problem with something being controversial, in itself, but, I'm just not sure that I'd want people to think of me as extreme and all that. I don't want people to make assumptions and prejudge me, and they'd probably assume by my writing that I'm not worth knowing, and think that I brought everything on myself.
I can't trust my thoughts probably as I tend to have delusional thinking, so all of the criticism would seem more valid than my own thinking.
It seems like I'd feel just as bad as I would usually, so not a lot of risk perhaps, but I don't want it to be like that. I want writing to be as enjoyable as I imagine it should be.

I want everything to be as I think it should be and as I expect it to be, and then I feel worse when my expectations are inevitably crushed.

I am very arrogant. I think that I'm better than most people -also part of being delusional - and criticism would go against that illusion that I have, which would crush my expectations and make me feel invalid.

I feel like it'd be more likely that I'd get another chance at life and dk everything right there, than for this to be made bearable.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

True. But I suppose it takes a certain kind of person to understand my 'crazy'; for example, suicidal people. Most people would probably dismiss it as dramatic nonsense and get a completely wrong sense of who I am.
I don't generally care what people think of me but I just can't stand being dismissed.
I chose the username anarchy because I believe that all governments worldwide should be abolished, and that there should be no leaders at all.
I can't explain my view and reasoning regarding why I support anarchy to anyone, without them thinking that I'm delusional and don't know how things work amd am naïve.
If I were to explain the things that I hate the most, people would think me an offensive extremist.
Maybe I'm catostrophising a little, but many people would criticse it, and I don't take well to being criticised. I didn't used to mind it, but now being criticised adds to the sense I already have that I'm delusional and that my thinking is invalid in society. It also makes me feel overlookable.
I could use a pseudynom, but if I were to write personal things, there's a good chance that my identity would be uncovered.
Maybe I'm completely catostraphising and criticism wouldn't affect me at all, but even then...
I'd still want to kill myself pretty soon. So, writing a novel would seem too long. Short personal/ persuasive pieces would seem more appropiate, but they'd be much more controversial.
I don't have a problem with something being controversial, in itself, but, I'm just not sure that I'd want people to think of me as extreme and all that. I don't want people to make assumptions and prejudge me, and they'd probably assume by my writing that I'm not worth knowing, and think that I brought everything on myself.
I can't trust my thoughts probably as I tend to have delusional thinking, so all of the criticism would seem more valid than my own thinking.
It seems like I'd feel just as bad as I would usually, so not a lot of risk perhaps, but I don't want it to be like that. I want writing to be as enjoyable as I imagine it should be.

I want everything to be as I think it should be and as I expect it to be, and then I feel worse when my expectations are inevitably crushed.

I am very arrogant. I think that I'm better than most people -also part of being delusional - and criticism would go against that illusion that I have, which would crush my expectations and make me feel invalid.

I feel like it'd be more likely that I'd get another chance at life and dk everything right there, than for this to be made bearable.

Thing is Anarchy you must write for yourself, not others. The audience is important only for those who want to make a whack load of money. You do not strike me as such a one. Did I mention that I cannot write as well as you? Duh...poof...eyes rolling.

 

[Mr2004]

Are you sure you're 16? I'm twice your age and can't write like you. At 16 I was a childish little shit. I didn't grow up until I was 23 and unfortunately by that point it was too late to sort any of my problems out no matter how hard I tried

 

[Anarchy]

Thing is Anarchy you must write for yourself, not others. The audience is important only for those who want to make a whack load of money. You do not strike me as such a one. Did I mention that I cannot write as well as you? Duh...poof...eyes rolling.

I like writing for myself, but if I write for myself, I tend to keep it private. If I were to get anything published, it would be a novel, or perhaps an opinion piece, but not as personal.
I never used to care what others thought of my writing. Maybe by the time I write something properly, I will be completely insecure.
I love writing, but it's easier for me to pretend that I'll be reincarnated back in this life with less problems, as an author, than write anything.
I've always had a tendency towards delusional thinking, so reincarnation doesn't seem so impossible. Not because it's logical, but because I want it to happen.

Writing is just one aspect of my life and I hate all the others.
I'd need to be alive to write, and being alive means more suffering.

I do really want to become an author still, but my depresssion makes it hard to motivate myself to write, and I think that it all seems rather pointless, as I won't care that I was an author when I'm dead.

 

[Anarchy]

Are you sure you're 16? I'm twice your age and can't write like you. At 16 I was a childish little shit. I didn't grow up until I was 23 and unfortunately by that point it was too late to sort any of my problems out no matter how hard I tried

Haha, I'm pretty sure that I'm 16. That's how old I was last time I counted, anyway :)
How simple life would be if I were a childish little shit...

 

[Anarchy]

I wish I had this attitude. But I feel as soon as you are honest about the negative feelings you have towards someone (especially family) in your notes, it fuels the narrative that the real problem was always you. And it already will lean that way regardless of what people around them did or didn't do.

Then again, I guess the flip side is that is people are gonna twist shit after you're gone, you may as well get in the truth while you still can. I wish I could do it that way.

I used to have this attitude. Now I'm starting to care what people think, even if it is only in regards to my memory amd credibility.
I'm becoming someone I dislike.

I guess it's all about how much you give them to twist.
If I'd never told anyone about my anything personal and just killed myself, they would probably make out that 'depression won' and people genuinely cared, and that would be annoying, but that's just general stuff.
Everyone knows that that sort of thing might not be the truth. But the more personal the things you tell them, the more true that it sounds.
I never got a chance to let people know what I thought, to their face.
I'd rather they believe or not believe some general lie, than believe something personal about me that isn't true. I'd rather people not know what I thought than assume what I thought.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

True. But I suppose it takes a certain kind of person to understand my 'crazy'; for example, suicidal people. Most people would probably dismiss it as dramatic nonsense and get a completely wrong sense of who I am.
I don't generally care what people think of me but I just can't stand being dismissed.
I chose the username anarchy because I believe that all governments worldwide should be abolished, and that there should be no leaders at all.
I can't explain my view and reasoning regarding why I support anarchy to anyone, without them thinking that I'm delusional and don't know how things work amd am naïve.
If I were to explain the things that I hate the most, people would think me an offensive extremist.
Maybe I'm catostrophising a little, but many people would criticse it, and I don't take well to being criticised. I didn't used to mind it, but now being criticised adds to the sense I already have that I'm delusional and that my thinking is invalid in society. It also makes me feel overlookable.
I could use a pseudynom, but if I were to write personal things, there's a good chance that my identity would be uncovered.
Maybe I'm completely catostraphising and criticism wouldn't affect me at all, but even then...
I'd still want to kill myself pretty soon. So, writing a novel would seem too long. Short personal/ persuasive pieces would seem more appropiate, but they'd be much more controversial.
I don't have a problem with something being controversial, in itself, but, I'm just not sure that I'd want people to think of me as extreme and all that. I don't want people to make assumptions and prejudge me, and they'd probably assume by my writing that I'm not worth knowing, and think that I brought everything on myself.
I can't trust my thoughts probably as I tend to have delusional thinking, so all of the criticism would seem more valid than my own thinking.
It seems like I'd feel just as bad as I would usually, so not a lot of risk perhaps, but I don't want it to be like that. I want writing to be as enjoyable as I imagine it should be.

I want everything to be as I think it should be and as I expect it to be, and then I feel worse when my expectations are inevitably crushed.

I am very arrogant. I think that I'm better than most people -also part of being delusional - and criticism would go against that illusion that I have, which would crush my expectations and make me feel invalid.

I feel like it'd be more likely that I'd get another chance at life and dk everything right there, than for this to be made bearable.

There are some famous people who believe that government is not required. Ever read Fountainhead by Ayn Rand or Utopia? Good books and I think you would be surprised...smile.
There are many who merely presume that being 16 means that you are ignorant, naive and delusional. Nothing to do with you personally. They are, poor folks, delusional...eh?
There is a way to write that I can guarantee would not betray your identity, and would take about 3-6 months to finish. That would give you time to choose a good, peaceful method. Cingtb with the knowledge that you helped so many would be most rewarding...n'est pas?

 

[Deleted member 1768]

There are some famous people who believe that government is not required. Ever read Fountainhead by Ayn Rand or Utopia? Good books and I think you would be surprised...smile.
There are many who merely presume that being 16 means that you are ignorant, naive and delusional. Nothing to do with you personally. They are, poor folks, delusional...eh?
There is a way to write that I can guarantee would not betray your identity, and would take about 3-6 months to finish. That would give you time to choose a good, peaceful method. Cingtb with the knowledge that you helped so many would be most rewarding...n'est pas?

I have to go now Anarchy...but I am sure we will speak again later...thank you.