Male 44 - Northern Europe
I don't have any immediate plans to CTB, but tired to the core of being depressed, anxious, and not sleeping(unless I eventually just pass out from being exhausted). I have a young son, otherwise I would have been 6 feet under several years ago.
I've been in and out of treatment for 20 years now, down to the month. I've been diagnosed with MDD, Bipolar 2 and chronically suicidal. I've gone through 24 different types of antidepressants and mood stabilisers, 20 ECT treatments, and various therapists. All I have to show for it is no improvement, but black holes in memory, and back injury from ECT.
I'm currently an out-patient at a clinic to get my medications under control.
I've never taken anything not given to me by a doctor, but I've been on various kind of "normal" and extended release benzos for all of the 20 years with depression/anxiety, and opoids(codeine->tramadol->oxycontin->fentanyl patches) and Gabapentin after the back injury.
Needless to say, my tolerance is crazy now. I'm currently on 150mg ER Morphine(Dolcontin), 45mg Diazepam, 3600mg Gabapentin and 400mg Lamictal.
I have a doctor for keeping medications stable, and slowly making cuts to Diazepam, and I have a therapist at the same place 1-2 times pr week to try and get my thoughts straight.
My biggest problem now is that my therapist got sick or put on leave(obviously they can't tell me, but we were in session one week, and the next she's just gone). I really got along with her, and we actually made progress. The issue is that one day they say she'll be back, but they don't know when, and the next, they say she's likely to not come back. This has been a severe setback for me, and while I've only cut 5mg of Diazepam, being thrown around to therapists I only have 1-2 sessions with(which anyone that had therapists know that you may as well skip it, because it's just "get to know each other"-sessions), is really messing with every progress I made. I'm trying to communicate how bad it is, and they know I came in with clear thoughts about CTB, telling them I'm falling backwards into those thoughts, feeling depressed, being anxious, messed up sleep pattern, and feeling lonely as fuck.
So yeah, I'm sorry about the wall of text, but I'm feeling really alone in all of this. My energy goes into having my son every other weekend, and when he's picked up on Sunday, we're giving each other a big hug, telling each other 'I love you', and as they drive away, I cry in a dark bedroom, and usually just lay there, exhausted and sad, only getting up to take medications, and eat, drink, when I remember to.
My god, this sounds like the worst pity party ever, but it's the raw truth, and yeah, I'm just lonely.
It's currently 04:19(am), so time to take some meds, I guess. Maybe someone are in a similar boat, and would like to talk.
Edit for adding interests:
I struggle to keep up with interests when depressed, and end up just doom-scrolling Reddit/Tik-Tok. My real interests are gaming(currently Fortnite, because I play it with my son when he wants, so we can talk when not together), D4 and some random games that holds my interests for a short while.
I really love music, and have some playlist that are WILDLY different from each other. At the core, I really love punk-rock(Lagwagon, Pennywise, No Use For A Name, Millencolin, NOFX etc), and sometimes just listening to really calm/relatable music(think Joshua Radin, Ren, Matt Keegan etc).
I listen to some TrueCrime and Darknet/Hacking podcasts, and read crime books the few times I feel patient/focused enough to do so.
