Help lost and need support

[Bulldogbitch]

I'm hurting so much right now. I'm so confused on how to get through my days before I end my life as i feel so depressed.

I'm supposed to have support from my mental health team, I'm allocated a support worker, who normally is really helpful. However lately she's expected to take so much on with lack of staff. I'm supposed to have more people allocated but there's no staff. I was even referred to crisis team a few weeks back. They suggested medication but never arranged for a meds review.
Last mon and tues my mood lifted, by Thursday I was really struggling, so rang and asked my support worker to call me, I explained I don't feel I can keeo safe. About 4 hours later a guy called back, i explained i didn't want to talk to him about personal stuff and I want to talk to my Support worker. It's well known I struggle to talk to people I don't know. There's other people in the team I know. I felt so powerless.
He told me how I'm not the only person on her case load, that I'm being unfair on her etc.
They know I only ring in for support and ask to speak to my allocated worker if things are really tough. I feel like I've been abandoned.

Maybe you guys feel getting support is stupid when I'm planning my death at the same time. I just want it to be a little easier until that time comes.

I took quite a few pills and got myself in a right state. I stupidly went out although I expect people thought I was drunk. I don't remember a great deal once the medication kicked in.

I've not lifted at all in mood, crying a lot.
I've got my SN now and need to get everything planned before I do it. I've got 2 dogs, a cat and a chameleon.
I don't feel like I've cared for them properly and I have no support to help with home life on days like this, where I can't seem to get dressed, can't get out to pick up my meds (physical and mental).

I feel like I'm so depressed, tearful. I'm exhausted.
I do have some better days but i think in a month I could count them on one hand.

I thought I'd sit down and talk to you guys, for support, distraction and to be honest with people who hopefully won't judge me.

I wish I knew how to liquidise my zomorph to inject, I'm not a drug user, clearly, as I've no knowledge on what I'm doing. I'm going to try Google search how to do this.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

You won't be judged here. Feel free to vent as much as you want. I'm sorry you weren't able to talk to your support worker. It's most certainly not stupid to want some more support when we feel at our lowest. Have you tried calling her again?

 

[Bulldogbitch]

You won't be judged here. Feel free to vent as much as you want. I'm sorry you weren't able to talk to your support worker. It's most certainly not stupid to want some more support when we feel at our lowest. Have you tried calling her again?

No it's a Mon- Fri 9-5 service and she only works 4 days now. She's also been made to be the Duty worker 2 of those days and Wednesdays she's allocated to another service, which doesn't leave much time for her allocated patients but she's always said if she is on duty if I need support ring in and she'll speak to me.
I was allowed to email her but unfortunately i sent a few emails when i was under the influence of the drugs. It's not legible, but I received a letter from the manager of their team the next day to inform me my email address will now be blocked. It was just another kick in the teeth.

thanks for your kind words.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Do you think it would help you if you had your medication reviewed? If they suggested it but never arranged it then you may need to remind them somehow to get the ball rolling

 

[Bulldogbitch]

Do you think it would help you if you had your medication reviewed? If they suggested it but never arranged it then you may need to remind them somehow to get the ball rolling

I've mentioned it a couple of times since but nothing's come of it and now I'm not sure there's much point. My problem with medication is I've been on so many but the side effects are unbearable, I give them time to settle but it seems my body rejects them in some way. Then there's the torture of withdrawals when I have to come off them.
My last medication I had was great, I really noticed a massive improvement but i was unable to urinate and I couldn't bare it. The dosage was reduced but it wasn't effective and i still had the side effects.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Damn it can't be fun experiencing those sorts of side effects. Sorry that medication hasn't worked for you. They seem to work for some but not others.

 

[tidalwxves]

I'm hurting so much right now. I'm so confused on how to get through my days before I end my life as i feel so depressed.

I'm supposed to have support from my mental health team, I'm allocated a support worker, who normally is really helpful. However lately she's expected to take so much on with lack of staff. I'm supposed to have more people allocated but there's no staff. I was even referred to crisis team a few weeks back. They suggested medication but never arranged for a meds review.
Last mon and tues my mood lifted, by Thursday I was really struggling, so rang and asked my support worker to call me, I explained I don't feel I can keeo safe. About 4 hours later a guy called back, i explained i didn't want to talk to him about personal stuff and I want to talk to my Support worker. It's well known I struggle to talk to people I don't know. There's other people in the team I know. I felt so powerless.
He told me how I'm not the only person on her case load, that I'm being unfair on her etc.
They know I only ring in for support and ask to speak to my allocated worker if things are really tough. I feel like I've been abandoned.

Maybe you guys feel getting support is stupid when I'm planning my death at the same time. I just want it to be a little easier until that time comes.

I took quite a few pills and got myself in a right state. I stupidly went out although I expect people thought I was drunk. I don't remember a great deal once the medication kicked in.

I've not lifted at all in mood, crying a lot.
I've got my SN now and need to get everything planned before I do it. I've got 2 dogs, a cat and a chameleon.
I don't feel like I've cared for them properly and I have no support to help with home life on days like this, where I can't seem to get dressed, can't get out to pick up my meds (physical and mental).

I feel like I'm so depressed, tearful. I'm exhausted.
I do have some better days but i think in a month I could count them on one hand.

I thought I'd sit down and talk to you guys, for support, distraction and to be honest with people who hopefully won't judge me.

I wish I knew how to liquidise my zomorph to inject, I'm not a drug user, clearly, as I've no knowledge on what I'm doing. I'm going to try Google search how to do this.

This is a place where you can be honest, we aren't professionals but we will do our best to make you feel heard. I'm sorry you are encountering such difficulties with medical professionals. I would really suggest you see about getting that medication and try that if its a new prescription. I know its not guaranteed to work, but its worth a try. Who do you know that could take you? It doesn't have to be a close friend, but I'm sure there is someone who can help you run that errand. I hope you get some real rest soon

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I fully understand not wanting to talk to someone you don't know. My primary care doc got a new pa doc in his office. They ask do you want to see doc or the pa? ughh doc. I can't imagine talking to someone I don't know especially medical face to face. Can you try to call your support worker monday? since you have felt comfortable with her. This covid has a mess of all docs offices they're running on skeleton crews and trying to manage the best they can. I'm sorry you've had bad withdraws and results from meds. I would pressure them for a med reviews and see what is out there you can try. Hopefully there is something that will help.. and we are here for you

 

[LittleJem]

If you are in the UK the Samaritans are great. I call them every day to talk about wanting to die. While it's not the same as your regular support worker, you can say anything to them. It helps me a bit just to be able to say it.

I've been lying on the floor all of today just wanting to die. It's all torture. I barely have the energy to organise dying.

 

[Ghost2211]

Wow, 4 hours to get back to you when you tell them you're in crisis? I can see why you wouldn't want to talk to a random person. I don't know why mental health workers think people will just be fine talking to them with no rapport. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough patch. Sometimes forcing yourself to tend to an nurture your animals can help get you through the rough patches. Sending you many hugs.

 

[Bulldogbitch]

This is a place where you can be honest, we aren't professionals but we will do our best to make you feel heard. I'm sorry you are encountering such difficulties with medical professionals. I would really suggest you see about getting that medication and try that if its a new prescription. I know its not guaranteed to work, but its worth a try. Who do you know that could take you? It doesn't have to be a close friend, but I'm sure there is someone who can help you run that errand. I hope you get some real rest soon

I've got a telephone consultation tomorrow with my GP so can get the ball rolling. She's always reluctant to prescribe as I'm under the mental health team, although they are so short staffed, I don't know if they have a psychiatrist.
I did see a prescribing nurse practitioner but her lost my trust when we had a 1 to 1 meeting and he documented something I said falsely which could impact my life in the future.

I fully understand not wanting to talk to someone you don't know. My primary care doc got a new pa doc in his office. They ask do you want to see doc or the pa? ughh doc. I can't imagine talking to someone I don't know especially medical face to face. Can you try to call your support worker monday? since you have felt comfortable with her. This covid has a mess of all docs offices they're running on skeleton crews and trying to manage the best they can. I'm sorry you've had bad withdraws and results from meds. I would pressure them for a med reviews and see what is out there you can try. Hopefully there is something that will help.. and we are here for you

I agree with the skeleton crew! I know from previous experience when I've asked or my support worker has asked for a med review it can take months. This was before covid, so no idea what the wait would be now.

These people don't understand how you need that stability to talk to someone you know, especially when it's as important as mental or physical health.
It sucks we have to deal with the result of lack of staff and funding.

If you are in the UK the Samaritans are great. I call them every day to talk about wanting to die. While it's not the same as your regular support worker, you can say anything to them. It helps me a bit just to be able to say it.

I've been lying on the floor all of today just wanting to die. It's all torture. I barely have the energy to organise dying.

I'm so sorry you feel like this, it's complete torture what you're hoping through.

I have a bit of a phobia with talking on the phone. I was giving a number for another service which I've rang before. Normally in crisis I don't think about talking to anyone, I become so consumed in my own little world, it's so strange.
It's great that the Samaritans helps you.

 

[Bulldogbitch]

Wow, 4 hours to get back to you when you tell them you're in crisis? I can see why you wouldn't want to talk to a random person. I don't know why mental health workers think people will just be fine talking to them with no rapport. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough patch. Sometimes forcing yourself to tend to an nurture your animals can help get you through the rough patches. Sending you many hugs.

Yeah sucks, managed to get out today. Not been out for 3 days. I give up with the system. I personally find it harder when you ask for help and it's not there, rather than dealing with it on my own, that whole rejection thing