"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Tired&Drained]

So, my dudes and dudettes

Some things changed for me, tbh I made some decisions and I am ready to make the pact.

I will write the things I wanna promise myself here and you do the same. We'll change the things we don't like along the way. But he have to start somewhere.

So this is what I propose for a start: each one of us making a vow, a promise (however you see fit) and then, as a rule write a post every day (no exception) about how their day went and how they are feeling

I'll make mine a tat later

Hoping on hearing from you soon !

I'd like to get back into meditating or at least going for a 30 minute walk.

Hedonic adaptation is so fucked, the things you do manage to find you that bring you so amount of okayness, like anything else that goodness fades and its back into the rat race.

I'm in a place that I've hard to fight so hard to get to and its not worth it, nothing is. I can do everything right and its not going to change the raw wrongness of the human condition.

The big thing that got to me today seems so stupid but it impacted me a lot. I had to have a medical appointment and without being warned they said we needed to do bloodwork. Florida tap waster tastes like shit and I don't like the feeling of the wetness of my mouth, I usually don't even like flavored water but again its just another burden I'm going to have to carry if I'm gonna get through this. I really thought id be fine but it hurt so much, I had to suffer and it didn't even work. I get into fantasy escapism, mostly SWTOR, mainly as a means I think of letting me enjoy some illusion of control and power, I'm not a self-conscious nothing I'm the main character.

I've been alternating between hedonistic nihilism and hedonistic despair and it is hard. I hope writing this does something at least for someone else, that or it's probably just self-harm

Wish you all the best! It was the same for me, Ive originally joined to research on SN, but once the time came, I chickened out and couldnt CTB. Now I'm recovering, and overall am doing alright(I guess?).

Ive went through a lot of trauma, but I think that now, with the help of others and a bit of time I'll be able to recover, and so I wish for the rest of you! If you are feeling suicidal but change your mind, remember that there are many members here on this forum willing to help you recover, all it takes is a bit of courage! Stay strong in 2025

For me I don't think it's courage, more than anything its fear of the unknown that's kept me around, for better or worse

 

[overcastdays]

Hi, I'm not sure if there is a thread for asking questions about navigating the site, so, sorry for asking here, bit of a newbie on this site, haha. Anywho, I was told by someone that there was some form of support resources for dealing with ADHD somewhere in the recovery section, but I'm having trouble finding it. Anyone mind telling me where it is and giving me some pointers? Thanks a heap in advance, and all the best to everyone here.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Hi, I'm not sure if there is a thread for asking questions about navigating the site, so, sorry for asking here, bit of a newbie on this site, haha. Anywho, I was told by someone that there was some form of support resources for dealing with ADHD somewhere in the recovery section, but I'm having trouble finding it. Anyone mind telling me where it is and giving me some pointers? Thanks a heap in advance, and all the best to everyone here.

There are support resources in the sticky threads here in the Recovery Section where you found this thread. Idk about any specific ADHD thread though. You can use the search bar there are many topics about ADHD throughout the forum. If the search bar isn't available to you, you just have to post some more and you will have access to it.

Welcome to the Recovery Thread!

 

[HighFlight]

Hi, I hope everyone is doing well. I originally joined this forum to research about SN or find an alternative method to kill myself but didn't end up doing it being the coward I am and after feeling the pain what my cousin's suicide brought to me and my family. I got diagnosed with bipolar II and I'm seeing a therapist finally in 2 weeks. I feel some hope for the first time after months of being depressed and want to get better. I want to find purpose for my life again.

Welcome @Greyhawk. Choosing to live should not be view as cowardly. With either path, there are many factors that get weighed into the decision. The fact that you want to get better is a good sign that you've made the right choice for you at this moment in time. Please keep us updated on your progress. Know that you are not alone, and I wish you all the best.

Let me tell you. I am still pissed at the DMV, they told me to wait 6 more months.

I dread going to the DMV. Hope you can navigate the bureaucracy,

Wish you all the best! It was the same for me, Ive originally joined to research on SN, but once the time came, I chickened out and couldnt CTB. Now I'm recovering, and overall am doing alright(I guess?).

Hello @GalacticWarrior777, I glad to hear that you are doing 'aright'. A step along the path of recover. However, I would challenge you on the "chickened out' statement. We are hardwired to live, and it takes as much courage to continue living. I would rather congratulate you on your brave decision to try the path of recovery.

To all of us on the road to recovery, please remember that it is not a straight line - there will be bumps in the road. These are normal and to be expected. The best advice is to give yourself the room for grace when things don't go as planned, and above all, be kind to yourself.

Wishing everyone some peace along your journey.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi, I'm not sure if there is a thread for asking questions about navigating the site, so, sorry for asking here, bit of a newbie on this site, haha. Anywho, I was told by someone that there was some form of support resources for dealing with ADHD somewhere in the recovery section, but I'm having trouble finding it. Anyone mind telling me where it is and giving me some pointers? Thanks a heap in advance, and all the best to everyone here.

Hello and Welcome @overcastdays, There are some ADHD resources mixed in with the other sticky threads within the Recovery Forum. As a person with a late diagnosis of ADHD, I have a hard time implementing any of the suggestions. I have found a Youtube channel named "How to ADHD" to be full of pointers. I'm happy to exchange experiences with you via direct message. If you don't have access, just respond to this thread and I can initiate it.

 

[Adûnâi]

Is there a way to get any pen pals here? I'm still utterly alone, with nobody to talk to, it's unfortunate.

 

[fallingleaves]

I'm having a personal, relational, existential and financial crisis and I'm having trouble hanging on.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm having a personal, relational, existential and financial crisis and I'm having trouble hanging on.

You are not alone.

You're welcome to message me if you'd like to talk.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

A wee update as haven't posted here for while. All settled in after relocation and now in the last week of my training period of the new job. In some weird ways, looking forward to being solo on shifts - especially nights - kind of my own time/space.

BUT - I'll try keep this short (yes, impossible for me). As I feel like such a fraud posting in the recovery section in times like this.

The usual CC has returned - the process of relocation and training has really kept any nerves/anxieties busy with 'real' scenarios that are acceptable. Also the need to please others and build an initial repuation without raising too many alarm bells keeps me more on top of stuff like self care. But that's all wearing off now. Pulled the plug (yet again) in a tantrum to my therapist last week - got a 'debrief'/final session this week. But it just happens time and again. I can't be trusted around people - can't communicate what I think I want or need to - and am a total selfish dickhead when I haven't made my point understood. Toys out of pram. But its 100% my fault. Me not saying the correct words to explain myself nor bringing attention to the right things. Equally I can NEVER hand on heart say I've tried my best. Whether being lazy with simple sef care or smashing some alcohol or slacking off work or not paying attention/listening. So its impossible for anyone to 'work' with me - I cannot uphold my 'end' of the deal.

Hence keeping isolated. Reminded me to not get close to any of my new colleagues here. But I get way too sociable and chatty when actually with people. Urgh. Sorry.

 

[HighFlight]

I feel like such a fraud posting in the recovery section

Just because things aren't going the way that you had hoped, doesn't make you a fraud for posting here. We're here for you and to let you know you're not alone. As you described it, I wonder how much of those skills can be learned. To much corporate training focuses on hard skills, and not enough on the soft skills. Do you have a co-worker you've become "friends" with and could confide some of this to them? More importantly, do you think it would be helpful?

Wishing you all the best as you navigate these challenging times.

 

[tiredtired]

Hoping to go back to work tomorrow after time off due to mental health decline. On first week of an SSRI so shit is pretty messy, but I want to give it my best shot. Mood fluctuates a lot atm: from suicidal terror to "eh I'm alright".

No idea how it'll go tomorrow. Seems I wake in terror so getting to work will be fun :p

 

[Pluto]

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys. IDK who besides HighFlight is left from when I was here before, but I used to be a regular on here before leaving last March (?) to focus on recovery. I hope everyone who's joined since I left is getting the support they deserve from this part of the forum.

I've been having a really fucking rough time– or, well, I must be given that I'm back on here and considering CTB again. I have trouble telling when things are bad, because I feel so shitty all the time but so reluctant to show any of it to anyone else for my own sense of safety, that I could be in excruciating pain and still able to convince myself that I'm fine. The fact that my pain tolerance is so high and I have such a strong ability to self regulate & get through rough emotions is good, but... I don't know. I really don't know how I'm supposed to go on.

I finally bought SN again yesterday. I feel like it's time. But I guess the fact that I'm posting here on the recovery thread means that I don't want to go quite yet.

Yeah. I know if I could just manage to find community again and feel like a part of the world, maybe I'd be able to keep living. But I've been repeatedly disappointed/ betrayed/ abandoned/ treated like I'm defective by other people so many times since I was a kid that I can't bring myself to even attempt to build new connections. Every time I find a community/ friends, it gets completely destroyed or taken away from me somehow. And usually when things are going well.

My former best friend contacted me recently– we'd lost touch because, long story short, he'd done something to betray me a few years back, and the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us anymore. I've grown a ton since then, so I know that ending things was the right decision. I was just recently thinking about dipping my toe in the water and reaching out to him again, though, because despite it all, he's the closest friend I've ever had, and things weren't all bad. Well, the guy beat me to it the other day. When I asked him why he was reaching out, it was because he's having issues with the person he betrayed me to be close with. The good news is I dodged a huge bullet (I told the guy to solve that shit himself and blocked his number), but man, the fact that he'd contact me again for the first time in years just to use me as a crutch because he's having a conflict with that other person– it hurts like hell that the person I relied on most for my entire adult life could treat me this way. I don't even really feel the pain because I've gotten so good at immediately putting up my armor and moving on. But I know it's in there.

That's the thing that sucks: this shit keeps happening to me. I'll be under the illusion that I have a close and meaningful relationship with a person, and then they'll throw me out like it's nothing, or they'll cross my boundaries in ways that require me to end the relationship myself. It's happened repeatedly to me for my whole life. I feel like it makes me sound so fucking gullible, to even trust people enough to let it happen. But it just hurts. They're all out living their lives now. I'm the one whose life is pretty much already over. I know I don't need them anymore– I respect myself enough to know that I deserve people who treat me well– but despite the fact that it's not an option for me anymore, I clearly need SOMEone. And it's not all black and white– I know that I haven't been the perfect friend all the time either– but I'd like to believe that I'm not a shit enough person to deserve this level of isolation. I have friends, just not enough support to get me out of the pit I've been in. I don't know how to get out. I don't have the option to rely on anyone else, not more than a very little bit.

Anyway, thanks for reading this giant post. I'm so angry and depressed all the time because of the past. And I no longer have a present or a future. I want it to be over already.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back @sadwriter

 

[HighFlight]

@sadwriter - I'd say "welcome back", but that's not truly how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to turned to us first, as we are here for you. However, I had hoped that you had begun to move past this dark moment in your life and we're on a positive path forward. I am so sorry that that's not the case and you've had to returned.

In almost all cases, I find that friendships are transient, and for me, transactional. Good or bad, we learn from the people we interact with; more so with the people we call friends. When that relationship ends, it can be tough and full of emotions. However, when the grieving is over, you can take what was learned and move forward in life.



I'm sorry this keeps happening to you. However, from what I know of you, you are a good, decent human being who deserves love and respect. Let that start with yourself. Be your own best friend first! And above all, Be Kind to Yourself.

Please reach out if there is anything I can do, even if it's just someone to talk to.

 

[Buh-bye!]

i'm gonna die anyways so fuck it. i'll give it a strong fight and explore the absolute limits of my mental and physical capabilities before i die. luck to all.

 

[sadwriter]

Thank you @Praestat_Mori and @HighFlight . Even though I'm still in/ am back in this dark place, I know I've been moving forward, even if it's more internally/ personal growth wise than externally most of the time. It's just that moving forward sometimes means moving into the heart of the storm and feeling a lot worse. I guess I should take that to heart and try not to CTB. It just gets really tempting, choosing between finally being done with everything now or waiting it out for god knows how long.

HF, what you said about learning from friendships and moving forward is smart. Thank you so much for the kind words And I love the Rafiki reference. What an excellent callback.

@Buh-bye! that's the spirit. Welcome to club recovery!

 

[rs929]

Hello, I am an Aspie guy from Argentina and I need mental help. I rarely visit that page unless I am too hopeless.

I am from Argentina and feeling hopeless as well. Wanna chat?

 

[Marsoff]

I am from Argentina and feeling hopeless as well. Wanna chat?

Dale.

 

[intintint]

Can anyone please talk to me? I'm spiraling tonight and having anxious endoftheworld thoughts and I need to be pushed back to reality.

 

[HighFlight]

Can anyone please talk to me? I'm spiraling tonight and having anxious endoftheworld thoughts and I need to be pushed back to reality.

Hi @intintint,

I'm sorry I didn't see your post until now. If you haven't already, please take a moment to ground yourself. What's around you? What are you hearing or feeling?

Anxiety is real, and it can make everything seem much bigger than it is. Today's social media fueled news only makes the anxiety worse. I know because I suffer from it myself. I hate it, and it's so difficult to talk about. But know that you are not alone, even though it may feel that way. There are many others who feel the same way to varying degrees. No one likes to speak about it, which unfortunately, only makes us feel more alone.

Some things I've been trying to help with all of the chaos that is happening in the United States right now, include:
* Hacking my social media algorithm - every social media site will feed you posts/videos it has decided you want to see. This is based on previously watched/read posts, liking, reposting, searches, etc. I've gone out of my way to ensure that what I see in my feed doesn't add to my self-created echo chamber.
* Choose alternate news sources. Do not rely on any social media as your news source. It's great for following the local authorities in the event of an immediate disaster. But leave it at that. Find news sources that report both sides of the story. Or if this is making you really anxious, don't watch the news.
* Place some faith in the institutions that have survived over the centuries. While there's no guarantee, these institutions have adapted to over time to prevent hostile takeovers. This is not to say we won't have some trouble ahead. Just that you won't be fight it alone.

YouTube: "Dear Anxiety" - I think is a good spoken-word song by Clayton Jennings that sums up how I feel. It has a slight Christian spin at the end, but the song itself is not focused on religion. And it makes a smooth transition from suffering from anxiety to owning it.

Intintint, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please feel free to reach out to me via dm if you feel like talking.

 

[intintint]

Hi @intintint,

I'm sorry I didn't see your post until now. If you haven't already, please take a moment to ground yourself. What's around you? What are you hearing or feeling?

Anxiety is real, and it can make everything seem much bigger than it is. Today's social media fueled news only makes the anxiety worse. I know because I suffer from it myself. I hate it, and it's so difficult to talk about. But know that you are not alone, even though it may feel that way. There are many others who feel the same way to varying degrees. No one likes to speak about it, which unfortunately, only makes us feel more alone.

Some things I've been trying to help with all of the chaos that is happening in the United States right now, include:
* Hacking my social media algorithm - every social media site will feed you posts/videos it has decided you want to see. This is based on previously watched/read posts, liking, reposting, searches, etc. I've gone out of my way to ensure that what I see in my feed doesn't add to my self-created echo chamber.
* Choose alternate news sources. Do not rely on any social media as your news source. It's great for following the local authorities in the event of an immediate disaster. But leave it at that. Find news sources that report both sides of the story. Or if this is making you really anxious, don't watch the news.
* Place some faith in the institutions that have survived over the centuries. While there's no guarantee, these institutions have adapted to over time to prevent hostile takeovers. This is not to say we won't have some trouble ahead. Just that you won't be fight it alone.

YouTube: "Dear Anxiety" - I think is a good spoken-word song by Clayton Jennings that sums up how I feel. It has a slight Christian spin at the end, but the song itself is not focused on religion. And it makes a smooth transition from suffering from anxiety to owning it.

Intintint, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please feel free to reach out to me via dm if you feel like talking.

Thank you so much for your advice and for your support <3 I'm doing better today :D thank you so much <3

 

[seekingnothingness]

I am from Argentina and feeling hopeless as well. Wanna chat?

Same

 

[Adûnâi]

Anyone want to talk to me about my incel issues? I have no friends.

 

[HighFlight]

Anyone want to talk to me about my incel issues? I have no friends.

We haven't heard from you in a while. What's the latest updates from your part of Ukraine?

 

[Adûnâi]

We haven't heard from you in a while. What's the latest updates from your part of Ukraine?

Thanks for paying me attention^^ It's great that I haven't been littering this thread. Normal people make their own threads anyway, right?

These past few weeks all I've been doing is degenerating listening to MauLer's reviews of Star Wars sequels, then a critique of the Plinkett's critique of the prequels, then finally [re?]watching the [in?]famous Plinkett series itself! Plinkett is indeed utterly funny.

(I've also been playing MLBB on and off, of course. Maybe could even rank up finally before the ides of March?)

My future gf has travelled all the way to Paris with her sheep. It's not confidential info as it's on TikTok. So far no incidents, that's great. Meanwhile, you have the Grenoble grenade attack, the Munich vehicle attack, and the Hamburg train derailment, whew.

I haven't skipped a single day, as my future gf's only requirement is for me to be online at noon, and I have stuck to it so far - although with some close calls.

One curious thing is that she's the only living soul that likes the sound of my abominable voice, that's cute^^ So I am welcome to send voice messages. It's rather unique to use my voice to communicate.

Of course, I'm still worried about our sexual incompatibility. She seems fine with touching me but not with being touched, and that's somewhat awkward, because it would feel like doing it for my pleasure and not hers, and that's the opposite of my fantasy : (

...On another note, regarding the magickal fairy tale of 2023 - there has been a rather bizarre and contradictory update in January 2024 which pointed to the JP girl's being alive (or never existing at all). In short, she used two names - name A for Reddit, name B for Twitch/Steam, and while name B indeed disappeared in Feb 2024, in Jan 2025 an account with name A appeared in the same super tiny (sic!) Twitch chat she had used to frequent. Could be a coincidence, but highly unlikely.

This prompted me finally to contact her friends on Feb 5 (I only did it after a year and only after this update) - they seemed cordial on day 1, but immediately went silent on day 2, with her (?) Twitch account sending me some curiously crude abrasive messages. My working hypothesis is that it's indeed her, but trying to shoo me away. Which is rather pointless (the whole point is my respecting her decision), but whatever floats her boat.

Of course, it's arguably scummy of her friends - imagine a person who gives them an update about their missing friend after a year, and you ghost him? And it's four people, all behaving like robots. But again, can't expect much from normies, whatever. My supreme IQ has gotten a story anyway (sorry for the cringe, I don't even necessarily mean a high IQ but the "idea of striving for the better intelligence").

...Just today I've had a lucid dream, rather brief as always, and I used it... to jump out of the window! Never did it before, without flying, lmao. And I used it to meet Satan to bitch and moan about the girl lmao (no seriously, hilarious). And thank, obviously, I was lucid with some memory, after all.

(Yes, apologies if all of the above is schizophrenic, a girl with a sheep in Paris, a ridiculous online conversation with a no-longer dead JP girl, lucid dreaming... No wonder everyone hates me, I am bizarre, and attract the like?)

If you want my honest schizo take, it's that my bitching and whining for a year have changed the past in this timeline, so even if the JP girl never existed (age and country seem different), that's exactly the point.

《I am glad you know my name, whatever happens I don't think I will be forgotten anymore》

 

[Adûnâi]

Ok I'm on the verge of suicide again because my mom is retarded - mentally deranged - mentally deficient - missing the context - missing the info we both know.

And the worst thing, she just goes on a loop! Like Character AI! I kid you not. Just an endless loop.

An example from CAI would be - I ask "what is your plan", the AI responds "I'll tell you", I ask "tell me", and the AI says "do you really want to know?", ad nauseam.

It's fun to poke around AI, but when it's the only person I ever talked to, I go crazy.

I ask, can you tell me anything interesting aside from washing my dishes? Like about my life, my prospects, why should I not kill myself?

She never leads the simplest conversation! She can't even act as a person to ask me what I think of games that could help me stay alive, I bought so many, but have been too lazy to try out any. She never inquires it in a human way.

And I don't mean she's callous. She's stupid. She cares, but cannot express herself. And then we both get angry. And another loop begins how she's the victim.

I literally explicitly ask her to help, but it's pointless. Again, literally like asking CAI for anything. Useless.

Maybe I should stop all communication with her. OBVIOUSLY, I'd have done it a decade ago if I could. But I can't, logistically, because she keeps me alive physically. Cooking, money (I could wash the dishes technically myself.)

I have actually deleted her contact, so maybe she gets hysterical, who knows. I haven't done it in 4 years.

Edit. I should remove her from my life, it's better to expect nothing intelligent than to break my head against the wall (of stupid). But of course I can't remove cooking and money. And I'm not sure I'd be inspired to earn myself anyway lmao (unfit for life). It feels much better to have her removed.

 

[Adûnâi]

...I have since unblocked my mom. Just showing how fake my life is. Other people have actual dramas, incomprehension, malice, spite. They have the right to suffer. Meanwhile, my life is as fake as ever.

My future gf got swarmed with pitch-forks on TikTok yesterday, but she didn't care, livestreamed as usual. Rather impressive of her. To be fair, maybe TikTok is indeed malleable and changeable. Kind of like the US electorate (/micdrop). But seriously there's something inspiring about not giving a shit.

 

[MindFog]

I never anticipated going into the Recovery section of SS, but here I am.

It's been more than I year since I came back and alot happened. First time in years I felt that I just wanted to try to live. Have a good start..

Got a job today that I don't know if I could hold down.. Taking new meds. Practicing self care.. It doesn't feel like like it's enough..

Atleast I'm now on my side I guess.

 

[vak]

I never anticipated going into the Recovery section of SS, but here I am.

It's been more than I year since I came back and alot happened. First time in years I felt that I just wanted to try to live. Have a good start..

Got a job today that I don't know if I could hold down.. Taking new meds. Practicing self care.. It doesn't feel like like it's enough..

Atleast I'm now on my side I guess.

Congratulations For the decision and getting a job! I hope your recovery will be successful. We are on your side as well