"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[MindFog]

I never anticipated going into the Recovery section of SS, but here I am.

It's been more than I year since I came back and alot happened. First time in years I felt that I just wanted to try to live. Have a good start..

Got a job today that I don't know if I could hold down.. Taking new meds. Practicing self care.. It doesn't feel like like it's enough..

Atleast I'm now on my side I guess.

 

[vak]

I never anticipated going into the Recovery section of SS, but here I am.

It's been more than I year since I came back and alot happened. First time in years I felt that I just wanted to try to live. Have a good start..

Got a job today that I don't know if I could hold down.. Taking new meds. Practicing self care.. It doesn't feel like like it's enough..

Atleast I'm now on my side I guess.

Congratulations For the decision and getting a job! I hope your recovery will be successful. We are on your side as well

 

[MindFog]

Congratulations For the decision and getting a job! I hope your recovery will be successful. We are on your side as well

Thank you very much.

 

[whitetaildeer]

i'm very hesitant to write this, and like many of you, i didn't think i'd see myself on the recovery part of ss. i'm not entirely sure what i am looking for—to feel marginally better, or a full recovery—but i do know there are many things i want to fix about my life. i feel utterly pathetic right now and i am disgusted with myself for letting things get this bad.

firstly, ptsd has completely ruined my chances of being a remotely normal, functioning person, and i hate it. for one, i desperately want a job, but the thought of leaving my house is scary. i cannot leave without anticipating someone trying to kidnap me again. i am also generally just terrified of being taken advantage of or hurt; my family tried trafficking me and manipulating me into a conservatorship in order to have full access to a trust fund with millions of dollars in it whenever i turn 25. i was also abused in every category by my mother while i was a child, and lately the sexual aspect of that has been haunting me. it has been years and i still have not moved past any of these, and the only person who should reasonably know about this abuse is my father, who i am deliberately keeping in the dark. i also do not think i can get a job and use that money because i have a joint bank account with my father, and he has stolen any money from me that he can get his hands on; he spent my life insurance money on a new car and beer and has no plans of paying me back. hell, he even spent my birthday/christmas money on beer. right now, he is talking about using my trust fund money to build a big house when it comes—obviously, i do not want him anywhere near my money.

secondly, this dependence on my father. i have absolutely no idea where i'd begin to break out of that. disregarding my ptsd, i have no car or license, there is no public transport where i live, and i do not even have a high school diploma; i dropped out in freshman year and i am now 19, going on 20 in april. i would really like to get a car, job, and then rent an apartment or house (either is much cheaper than what is typical in the united states).

i know i am (theoretically) in a position to move out on my own, i just have no idea where to start. it would just take so much effort, recovering at least a little from ptsd, and i especially do not know where the hell to begin with that because it is so daunting to me. it is getting to the point where i am considering lying on a resume to say i have a highschool diploma, just to land a decent job. but my end goal here is independence at the very least. i joined this site as a completely dependent and dysfunctional person and i do not intend on leaving it without being the polar opposite.

 

[HighFlight]

@whitetaildeer, welcome to the thread, and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have been through quite a bit. I'm sorry that life has played out this way for you, but am glad you're starting to think about living as an option. And with a trust fund coming due in a few years, I think you actual have more options than you think. I think you have an exit from your current life - an escape to a life that will allow you to put your past behind you and look to the future.

I see your tag line places you in the Midwestern US. Are you near a good-sized city? If so, find an attorney and set up a meeting with them. Most attorneys will provide free consultations, but do your research - find an honest and kind one. Believe it or not, they do exist. Also make sure who every you choose has no ties to your family. Explain the whole situation to them, including the PTSD, your father's interest in a conservator-ship, the trust fund, your hopes and dreams.

In my mind, I would hope that they would help you be declared independent, open a new bank account just in your name, potentially get a loan using the trust fund as collateral, and point you in the direction of where you can begin to get help for your PTSD, find some food and shelter, and education so you can find a job you'd like. (What sort of things are you interested in?)

You deserve to be loved, to live free of fear, and have the freedom to things you're interested in. Most of all, you deserve some peace from all of your struggles over the past years.

You're welcome to contact me here or on Discord if you ever want to talk - no strings attached. I don't have all the answers, but have been around enough decades to see a variety of viewpoints.

Regardless of your next steps, I truly hope that you can find peace, and maybe even some happiness.

 

[HighFlight]

I never anticipated going into the Recovery section of SS, but here I am.

It's been more than I year since I came back and alot happened. First time in years I felt that I just wanted to try to live. Have a good start..

Got a job today that I don't know if I could hold down.. Taking new meds. Practicing self care.. It doesn't feel like like it's enough..

Atleast I'm now on my side I guess.

Welcome @MindFog! I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond sooner but am glad to see you've found us. Feeling like you want to live is a wonderful first step, and it sounds like you proactively followed it up with a job, new meds, self care, etc. While it may not seem like enough right now, it's the beginning of your journey. There will be some really positive moments, as well as some failures. Use those to help determine what else you need and then continue on your path.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. I've seen so many people on SaSu where they are extremely kind to others, but don't show that kindness to themselves.

Wishing you peace and happiness along your path.

 

[spicerymer]

I don't particularly want to live but I can't seem to bring myself to CTB which makes me think that maybe part of me does still want to try.
I'm 19 and in my first year of university, which I'm aware are always going to be depressing circumstances but I've suffered with severe mood swings since I was around 13.
This 'depressive episode' is particularly bad as im filled with a lot of shame. I really dislike myself, both physically and mentally. I hate how selfish I have become, focusing entirely on how bad I feel all the time but I want to be better for my family and my friends. It's not fair for them to have to see me like this.
I don't know if this thread is the right place for me because I don't actually want to be alive, I just don't want to keep hurting my family and I know that CTB would hurt them a lot.

 

[whitetaildeer]

@whitetaildeer, welcome to the thread, and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have been through quite a bit. I'm sorry that life has played out this way for you, but am glad you're starting to think about living as an option. And with a trust fund coming due in a few years, I think you actual have more options than you think. I think you have an exit from your current life - an escape to a life that will allow you to put your past behind you and look to the future.

I see your tag line places you in the Midwestern US. Are you near a good-sized city? If so, find an attorney and set up a meeting with them. Most attorneys will provide free consultations, but do your research - find an honest and kind one. Believe it or not, they do exist. Also make sure who every you choose has no ties to your family. Explain the whole situation to them, including the PTSD, your father's interest in a conservator-ship, the trust fund, your hopes and dreams.

In my mind, I would hope that they would help you be declared independent, open a new bank account just in your name, potentially get a loan using the trust fund as collateral, and point you in the direction of where you can begin to get help for your PTSD, find some food and shelter, and education so you can find a job you'd like. (What sort of things are you interested in?)

You deserve to be loved, to live free of fear, and have the freedom to things you're interested in. Most of all, you deserve some peace from all of your struggles over the past years.

You're welcome to contact me here or on Discord if you ever want to talk - no strings attached. I don't have all the answers, but have been around enough decades to see a variety of viewpoints.

Regardless of your next steps, I truly hope that you can find peace, and maybe even some happiness.

i'm incredibly late getting back to this but i would like you to know your response has been on my mind ever since i first read it. thank you so much for your kindness, both to myself and to the rest of the users in this thread.

i am near a good-sized city! i'm a bit rural but i think, where i live, i can get attorneys from other cities. if i am remembering correctly my father once got in contact with one from a city 2 hours away. speaking of which, a big misunderstanding (which is my fault! sorry, i wrote my post while very emotional): my father is not seeking a conversatorship; it was my mother's side of the family who i am in no-contact with. i do not think he would be interested in a conservatorship. in fact, he actually contacted the law firm that the family member used to send the paperwork for the conservatorship and, in very plain terms, told them to fuck off. he just has a very nasty habit of stealing money and i fully believe he intends to my trust fund money for his own benefit.

i am currently thinking about flight school or medical school! i am unsure which path i will go. both make me excited to think about.

anyways, some small wins for this week: i have started walking around again. i have health problems that make even showering a monumental task sometimes, but yesterday i managed 6.7k steps! this is nothing compared to the 25k i used to do several years ago, nor even the 10-15k i'd do every day before my health problems started happening... but it is something. i also wrote something! i am a hobbyist writer, but lately i have not been able to write anything without cringing at my work and not finishing it. but i wrote something and i don't hate it! i am very happy with this.

 

[HighFlight]

i am currently thinking about flight school

That was my major in school. Still enjoy flying occasionally.

 

[HighFlight]

Hello @spicerymer and welcome to the thread. You are not alone with your feelings. There are many on the site who feel like that want to CTB, but cannot bring themselves to do it. Please realize that this is normal human behavior. And when you are ready, the fears will be gone.

In the meantime, focus on things that are meaningfully to you. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find some peace along your journeys.

 

[Izzythebelle]

Hey Everyone,

Glad to be here. I still want to live but it's getting harder, but I'm still trying. I'm so tired and it's been so long since I tried talking about what's on my mind I have no idea where to start, but I'd been lurking here for a while and decided I've got nothing to lose by sharing and listening and putting myself out there. It's scary as shit lol.

I've been living for the sake of my best friend for over a decade now. Every time I get close to CTB (am I using that right lmao) I think about his face and every time he's cried to me and I've cried to him and my need to end it all gets postponed. I've been crutching on "he needs me" as the biggest reason to stay alive and I hate to say it but it's getting to not be enough of a reason anymore.

Any suggestions or wisdom or advice?

 

[HighFlight]

Hello @Izzythebelle and welcome to the thread.

Living for the sake of other people can be a blessing or a curse. Think about people who exist in occupations solely for the purposes of helping others, or mother surviving only to take care of their new born. On the other side ae people like myself, who have no real purpose to live other than to comfort my wife after her chemo treatments, and support my children as the transition into adulthood. I know I need to find a reason to live, but it seems that everyday there's another setback or obstacle to overcome.

So, I would suggest clinging to "he needs me" for now, but search for what your purpose in life is. What to do enjoy doing? What are you good at? Once you find something that brings you joy, I think you'll find the will to continue living for now.

My dm's are always open to anyone, so if you every needed someone to talk to, just send me a message. I wish you all the best and hope you will periodically update us with your progress. And please remember, be kind to yourself.

Peace

 

[Lullaby]

I met with my new therapist for the first time in person today, and she had this guy with her who's interning, so he needs to sit in our sessions if we meet.

I was super nervous about it and almost canceled, but I'm honestly really glad I went; we just sat by the waterfront pier near my apartment and talked for an hour. I feel way better after compared to before I went.

It gave me enough motivation to really get back into trying to jumpstart my life again, hopefully. I'm thinking about starting a program to become a vet tech, since I don't think I can physically handle going back to pet grooming.

Writing this down here to remind myself that my days aren't always bad.

 

[LoveroftheDark]

I never thought I would be lurking, even posting on recovery threads, but here we go I guess...

I've been feeling on and off for the past year, switching between feeling the worst and a weird feeling that couldn't be described as "best", more like a cloud that covers my self-control, but also the thoughts, stopping them completely. I never wanted to recover in the first place, always lied about being okay, or convinced myself it's not that bad, which led to people around me believing I am not sick, and I am perfectly fine, ignoring the silent signs I made.

It haven't changed, but my mindset did. I need to recover, because I still have will to live. All I want is tranquility, and that's not something I can find by trying to CTB. It has been good in the past, meaning I am able to feel good sometimes, even if my mind plays tricks on me and makes me forget that there is, or was a meaning.

I have access to therapy and people that love me, but I need to stop looking at it as a weight that keeps me from CTB, instead it is a blessing that I deserve.

I find it hard to make friends or sustain the relationships I have, and I am highly sensitive, all due to my autism. But maybe someday I'll find something that would stop the cycle, instead of making it spin even faster.


@Lullaby I'm glad it is going good for you, and I have an idea that could help with your love for animals (I assumed that because of the topic of vet tech/pet grooming). You could try adopting an animal, if you don't have the resources, online adopting one! I found that attachment to animals helped me recover in the past. But this is just an idea that I had when I read your post, please don't feel forced to do it, also it is a great responsibility, so if you don't feel ready, don't have the resources or simply don't want to please don't!!

Sending blessings to everyone that's going through hardships!!

 

[HighFlight]

@LoveroftheDark, It feels kind of weird - joining with a focus on CTB, but ended up on the other side. Can't let anyone know how bad it is, so you put on a happy face and let everyone just assume. Maybe I'm just projecting, but if this feel accurate, I can relate to how you feel.

I have a good therapist, and psychiatrist; a family that loves me (although shows it in strange ways), a good job, no immediate financial or security concerns. But also, no irl friends, and it sems that all relationships are transactional. It feels like everyone I know irl wants something from me. Just enough to think recovery is possible, but not enough to guarantee it.

It sounds like you're are in a better place, and I am thankful for that. I hope that you can continue down the path of recovery and find a little peace and happiness along your journey.

 

[bandit]

I vow to get a cat and make a home for myself

I didn't get into the only school for my field in my area that just so happens to be the 2nd most difficult one to get into on the planet. I cant move closer to a different one because the cities they're in are notoriously expensive and Im poor lol. I would just try another time next year but I lost my scholarship so I cant ever go now even though pretty much all my friends got in. Ive been wanting to CTB all my life and losing everything id worked for the past 7 years was more than painful. Im still staying in the school for a program in something completely different though because it's the only way I can get my upcoming surgery covered, to say Im not looking forward to it is an understatement. The people are bigoted and I was hoping to never take another math test again. I know I'll be lonely and listless without anything to care for or work towards which is dangerous for someone like me.

So Im moving out and getting a cat.

My childhood home has caused the majority of my issues and continues to compound them so even though it isnt smart im moving in with a few friends in a different city. I have a lot of work to do over the summer to achieve it (and Im worried my learning disabilities will inevitably sabotage my plans) but if I have that one thing to look forward to I might make it.
I hope it works.

 

[bandit]

I dont know how often anyone's allowed to post, so I hope im not taking up too much space doing it twice+ in a row. Id make my own thread but I dont think I can yet.

I called a warmline for my area today, I cant tell whether I feel better or worse. Honestly it felt as mundane as talking about the weather which was a bit surreal because I've been constantly crashing out the past few weeks. It wasnt that useful, he genuinely said "Wow that really sucks I dont even know what to say" which while completely unhelpful I do appreciate that he was honest, it made me laugh.

People always say you can ask them for help but honestly I think for the most part they just say that to feel better about themselves, when you actually need that help they're obviously reluctant to give it. I wish more people were honest, hearing lies over and over just makes you feel more alone like its somehow your fault that its so difficult to put yourself back together while going through hell.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I dont know how often anyone's allowed to post, so I hope im not taking up too much space doing it twice+ in a row.

Welcome to the Recovery Support Group! You can post as much as you like. It's been quiet in recent weeks.

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome to the Recovery Support Group! You can post as much as you like. It's been quiet in recent weeks.

^^^ 100%

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Bandit,

Sorry I was around to give you a better welcome. I just gave my two cats their bedtime treats and they have vanished for the night. Cats make great pets, they're not as needy as dogs, but can still provide some companionship. I have both, so I realize the pros and cons of each. I hope you can find the right cat and are able to give it a proper home.

It sounds like you have a lot happening in your life right now - school, family, medical. I hope you find an opportunity for yourself to just be grounded. Take a second to breathe. We are here for you if you want to talk. Keep posting and you'll get the ability to search and send private messages. Continue posting to unlock access to chat.

BTW - You are welcome to start our own thread if you'd like. If you go to the main page of any forum, you should see a "Post Thread" button.

People always say you can ask them for help but honestly I think for the most part they just say that to feel better about themselves, when you actually need that help they're obviously reluctant to give it.

I don't completely disagree, but I think this is a little more nuanced. I like to believe that when someone says "tell me how I can help", they genuinely believe that they will help if asked. But when the request comes in, they begin to understand how difficult (or inconvenient) the request will be and they back off. I believe it comes from a lack of understanding how hard life can be for others and a lack of empathy. Your right in they will often make that statement because it's the accepted thing to do and does make them feel good. And in most cases, no request is ever made so it can be a safe offer.

Anyway, if you feel comfortable sharing more in the thread, I'd be interested in learning which field you were hoping to study and more about your learning disability. Standard warning: please share only what you are comfortable with as this is a public forum. If you need to talk to someone but don't want to share publicly, just reply to this thread and I'll send you a private message so we can chat. Eventually, you'll be able to start your own private messages with others on the site. (Keep posting...)

I do hope that you can give yourself a little grace and kindness as you find your path forward. And may you find some peace along the way.