Things have been difficult. One of the therapy techniques I found useful, if challenging, was 'opposite action,' and a deliberate leaning into the discomfort of whatever I was avoiding or imposing onto myself at the moment.
One of my biggest challenges at the moment is social isolation- in terms of shutting myself off from my friends and support network, mostly because suicidal ideation is such a taboo topic. Especially after my recent attempted overdose. People are busy, they have their own lives to lead- and I've always found it easier to retreat quietly to downspiral massively. I don't want to become an imposition- and given how challenging it is to ride the wave of emotions, it's a little less destructive to my personal relationships to just... be on my own.
In terms of putting opposite action into practice- I figured maybe joining this forum would be a good step on that front. A little babystep, to not feel so damn nutty- and to alleviate some of the burden of my ex boyfriend being like, the only person I've been really speaking to lately. I've been reading through some of the threads here already- and it's nice to feel as if there are people who understand, even if it's abstractly sad that there are others in a position to empathize by virtue of being in a similar situation. But it's comforting, to not feel alone or uniquely terrible for being damaged. You know- the usual cognitive distortions: not helped much by people's reflexive shunning of anyone who is mentally ill in an inconvenient way...
Self care is all over the place, but I'm trying. Keeping water by the bedside helps a lot, especially after crying for all of Saturday- to the point of such dehydration I had no more tears to shed, and was just making ugly faces and noises as my face contorted in the same contractions with nothing really produced. Washing my face with a warm cloth was comforting afterwards. I even had a hot chocolate afterwards- and cradling the warm mug in between my hands was really pleasant.
I've been trying to do nice things for myself lately- like listening to music that I really love, like Chromeo. I might not really feel up to dancing around my bedroom, but the electrofunk is fun and bright and cheerful to listen to, and I even found a collaboration they did with another artist that I wound up digging- Blu DeTiger. I copied out the rules to a solo journalling game to play when I feel a little better, and setting up the pages prettily with the good markers I save, in a nice notebook I've not been able to bring myself to use- it feels good, to allow myself these indulgences, rather than letting them dry up or the glue binding dry out and crack from years of disuse. I haven't done much by way of using it, but being kind to myself in that capacity, it feels good. I showered, and did the laundry- it's fantastic to have clean bed linens, if I'm going to be spending so much time laying miserably in it. The value of a clean pillowcase has never been more stark.
Things are difficult. But I'm still trying, and these small kindnesses are nice to grant myself.
