"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[lita-lassi]

went to the gym 4 days in a row feels good man. thankfully i have that or id have about nothing halfway decent going on

 

[HighFlight]

went to the gym 4 days in a row feels good man.

This is great news! Did you just start or is this just the latest streak? Sound like it is helpful.

I'm meeting with a personal trainer later this week. Might join the gym, but I haven't had good luck in the past. The consensus is that it is helpful and I have experienced this first hand a few times over the years. But the thought of working out at a gym as an old man triggers every anxiety fiber in me.

The hardest thing is that right now I feel like I know how to get better, things that work for me and things that doesn't, I just don't feel like I have the energy to put the work into it right now which feels like a cruel joke. So, for now I just wait, I just hold on, I survive. It's all I can afford.

Welcome back. It sounds like you've made some progress and should remind you to celebrate those small wins. Maybe take a break and recognize the things that have gone well, acknowledge those things that could be better, and be grateful to those who have helped you along your path. Once you come to terms with all that, it's time to push forward with enlightenment and support from those you love. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[LoneMarineBitterman]

Hope that people are going OK, or at least the best that can be achieved. Don't know if its ideal that people end up coming to the site but it's nice to see activity in here. I've been trying to not go onto SS too much, just so I don't get myself bogged down in it I suppose.

Almost finished up school which is rather scary. Have my last exam in two days, then graduation next week on Friday. Can't say I've been acing them but I'm at least proud with myself for settling on a decision to just do them anyway.
I started seeing a psychologist right near the end of September - bit of an inconvenience with the travel time but I think I'd rather it over online. Still a bit so-so with them but I also don't know if I can be bothered trying to find somebody else and restarting the whole process. So-so is better than it going bad I guess.
Worried about losing the structure and familiarity of the school system, which is funny considering how much I complain about it. I seem to love it just as much as I loathe it. Also not keen on losing my year level coordinator and the counsellor I've been seeing at school, both of whom have been big supports these last three or four months.

I found these two a bit ago. Been bumping their music a fair bit - Joey Valence & Brae - Underground Sound
Wishing people well :)

 

[lita-lassi]

This is great news! Did you just start or is this just the latest streak? Sound like it is helpful.

I'm meeting with a personal trainer later this week. Might join the gym, but I haven't had good luck in the past. The consensus is that it is helpful and I have experienced this first hand a few times over the years. But the thought of working out at a gym as an old man triggers every anxiety fiber in me.

thanks! ive had the membership for about 2 months now, little less, ive been trying to go several times a week but since i only have my bf for a ride, its spotty.

it was super scary the first few times i went due to constantly feeling watched or judged but if i focus on my music and my exercise form, i can mostly block out the mental intrusions. i will say that physically working out some of my anxiety has felt really good. i hope your meeting with your trainer goes well don't worry, you'll crush it, no one actually cares what others are doing

have a good weekend everyone

 

[Deleted member 8119]

@Tesha I saw you online recently and I was wondering before how were you doing.

 

[Tesha]

@Downdraft that's very kind of you to think of me. I hope you're doing as well as you can.

I'm doing strangely ok. I'm much less reactive to many things and while my outlook on life / death hasn't radically improved, I'm also not constantly ruminating about it. I'm feeling safe, I'm being understood and I'm being listened to; three things that have never really happened before.

I'm not wanting to jump ahead, as I've still got many months to go, but so far so good.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

So I'm week 3 of my new job now. Quite comprehensive induction/training process which is a good thing for me. Even though I've done a similar job before, I always prefer being reassured and shown 100% what to do.

The relocation admin has mostly ironed out. The one big issue is still 'on hold' waiting for some delayed govt paperwork. But starting work has kept me busy and not dwelling. And more importantly stops me scrolling and researching and trying to get ahead of myself which usually ends up backfiring.

Back to being neutral/emotionless but happy just trucking along and getting to know the others on the same intake/training. I have had some annoying spikes of emotion to random stuff (which usually end in me annoying myself even more spiralling about how I can be so annoyed at such non-events).

But broadly its a 'safe' environment at the moment. Things will become a lot harder into the new year once training has become shadowing and then the pressure and trust in being signed off to work solo shifts. Despite my experience in a similar role before. Fraud panic kicks in.

 

[HighFlight]

@ConfusedClouds, it great that things seem to be going well at the new job. "Emotionless but happy" made me laugh, both because it's a contradiction and I knew exactly what you meant. I spent most of my career in that state. Doing everything I could to avoid any emotions, and happy that I could focus on work. I'm glad things are working out for you, and try to focus on the here and now. Things may become harder in the new year as you begin to transition into the work. But if you focus on the training now, hopefully that won't be so bad.

"Fraud panic" is another term I know well. I suffer this on a daily basis, having to talk to IT people about technology. The panic really kicks in when I have to discuss some of the newest technologies such as AI and how it can be used in their business. They all want it, but don't realize that 90% of the fancy AI still requires non-fancy, traditional work. I feel like such a fraud in all of these conversations - the technology is change so fast.

@lita-lassi, I meet with the trainer and it went OK. We meet again on Friday for my "assessment". I sure that will show how bad things are, and I don't feel there's enough time to fix it. Seeing how the human body has an expiration date. Unfortunately, we about to go into hibernation mode for the next 4-6 month, which means no hikes. Anyway, after the assessment, I will decide what the next steps are. He doesn't think I should join the gym, and has offered to meet me at the local YMCA (we already have memberships there).

@Tesha, welcome back. It's good to hear that your are doing OK, albeit "strangely ok". It sounds like you're in a good place for the time being. I'm really happy for you.

Update on my life...
My wife watched a new movie on Amazon called "My Old Ass" and was emotional disturbed by it. She now concerned I'm going to die. I've had to reassure her that, yes, I am going to die sometime, but probably not today or tomorrow.

Youngest son is actually moving forward with life. He's happy at the university he's at ad is becoming more independent. The oldest child is still struggling. (s)he was moving forward with treatment for gender dysphoria, but has put that on hold. While she says it's just procrastination, I'm worried that it might be in the sudden shift in the US politics and the change in attitudes towards the LGBTQ+ communities.

I hope everyone is doing OK and are taking care of yourselves. My apologies for being absent from the thread for so long.

 

[DumbWays2Die]

Hey folks. How you doin'?
Recently had an exam which I was preparing for, because I was tired and frustrated with my current career. But it didn't really go well. Back to base, I guess. Have to see what I can do next.
Recently watched the Japanese movie "Perfect Days (2023)". Kind of liked the idea of a minimalist life. Has anyone else watched it?

 

[HighFlight]

@DumbWays2Die, I'm sorry to hear the exam didn't o the way you hoped. Hopefully you can pull together a alternate path to get you where you want to be.

@lita-lassi, I had my first workout with the trainer. I like the trainer, and the gym is upscale and pretty small. I still hated working out there as everyone is younger and in better shape. I know many would say that they don't really care, but that's not exactly how my brain works. I compare myself to everyone else and find myself wanting. I think I always just wanted to be like everyone else, and not locked in this skinny, lanky body. Anyway, we're going to work in 2-week sprints starting on Monday. I will say that I left the gym physically tired, but mentally in a good place.

Well, my Son/Daughter just came into the kitchen, and we talked briefly about their transition plans. I asked her if she was OK, and she said "not even close." Then, she said good-night and walk away. I know she's struggling, and not looking forward to tomorrow's Thanksgiving Dinner, with my MAGA sister and parents. When she left, I felt crushed and hopeless. I feel like such a failure as a father.

To all who are celebrating Thanksgiving, I wish that you can try to enjoy the time with your families. And for everyone, I hope you all can find some peace as we moving into the holiday seasons.

 

[Adûnâi]

This thread has died down a bit? Now I can whine in it^^

2 weeks ago my vegetable future gf told me she would not have sex with me, despite calling me her bf for 8 months (I should have known, she's a fucking imbecile). So I blocked her. Despite having texted for 8 months.

It did have a pleasant effect on me as now I didn't have to suffer her atrocious company, forcing myself to text her for 10 hours a day as per her demands (all because it's my only chance at sex). But still, now I don't even have an illusion of ever having sex.

Also my stomach hurts because I'm 25+, and thus growing fucking old. Should kill myself before 30. That's a response to my mom's rare non-moronic question - why wasn't I whining like this before? Because I was younger. And because 2020 and 2022 were exciting years (corona and war). Even 2023 was an insane year for me because the dead Japanese girl texted me for 1.5 months (who surpassed me in intelligence as much as I surpass the retarded vegetable, that's how insane it was).

So now I'm just bullying my mom (over the phone, I'd never even look at her, ugh, we haven't seen one another in years despite her cooking for me lmao), have been bitching to her about suicide and lack of sex for over an hour. I really hate my parents for giving birth to me, so no matter how much she cooks for me or gives me money for games (which I'm not even playing), she will never repay the debt.

She has suggested trying out prostitutes in Czechia if the war ends, do you think it would be feasible? I really hate this. I'm growing old and bored. Of course, I will never touch a cishet female - unless rape lmao, but UNLIKE other incels, I dislike the idea of raping females. It's probably worse than a prostitute. I've just been under house arrest for a decade, and isolated for my whole life.

And 2 days ago I lost my Discord account - no, not due to risqué communities at all, I exercised maximum caution this time around, yet still lost an account. So I can't talk to those... 2-3 people I could.

Also these days I've had to lie down in bed for 3-6 hours due to power outages. Reading a book or sleeping even more than I do.

Of course, I have the Slowly app, could use it to communicate. But I haven't come back to it. And I have over a hundred Steam games, and haven't got around to playing any at all. But the idea of not having sex is killing me. Sure, I could probably last for ~2 years, but what would the point be in waiting for longer?

I've tried meditation today for the first time in ages, sat still for 30 min, so what? It felt nice, but I can't meditate 24/7. It's all such nonsense and cope.

Feel free to respond, it's not a vent for the sake of vent, I vent to my disgusting mom all the time. Ideally I'd like input.

 

[lost_one]

I would like to do better, but I don't think I can.

I don't think I can forgive myself

I don't think I am strong enough to work to do better

I hate myself, I am tired and I don't know what to do anymore

 

[HighFlight]

Greetings, @lost_one, amidst this midnight hour so dreary,

In the silent murmur of your heart's lament, know that I hear thee. You speak of weary burdens and unyielding shadows, cloaked in self-doubt and unspoken sorrow. Yet in this somber night, a glimmer of hope may yet unfurl its feathered wing

Forgiveness, a specter we often dread, is not a distant phantom. It dwells within, waiting patiently. You are stronger than the chains that bind your spirit, for the soul, like the raven, can rise from its prison of darkness.

Though there is tumult within and the tempest shakes the core of your being, consider the path of seeking guidance from those endowed with the wisdom to shepherd you through the storm.

Ah, if the night seems endless, remember it is the night that births the dawn. In the quiet of your heart, strength slumbers, ready to awaken with your call.

Press on, dear soul, for even in despair's embrace, you are not alone. Here, with gentle resolve, I stand beside you, as a shadow in your silent vigil.

In this community's embrace, may you find solace

 

[HighFlight]

@Adûnâi, for better or worse, you are in a very unique situation. In the middle of a war zone, effectively under house arrest. While many of us can empathize with not having a girlfriend/boyfrend irl, but your situation makes determining a path forward very difficult.

because I'm 25+, and thus growing fucking old

I both laughed and sympthized with with statement. My "mid-life" crisis started around 25, and hasn't let up for 3+ decades. I can guarantee you that upper 20s is not "old" on a human scale.

Here in the west, we have 6 weeks before Trump takes office. He's vowed to stop the Russian-Ukraine war very shortly after taking office. No one knows how, but maybe there will be some changes in the next few months.

Even 2023 was an insane year for me because the dead Japanese girl texted me for 1.5 months

I do hope this is a translation issues. If not, you got another issue if a dead Japanese girl has been texting you for a month and half.

In reality, I don't see anything changes drastically until mid to late January. Hopefully, those changes come to pass and you can get out of the house. Although you mentioned in your post that you were under house arrest for 10 years. I was under impression it was related to the war, but that only accounts for ~2 years. If your comfortable, I'd be interested in what happened to isolate you for so long.

Hope fully you can find some peace.