"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[LRkin]

how does therapy work in your part of the world? is it structured e.g act, cbt, emdr, dbt etc, are you under a clinical psychologist or social worker

Technically, it's pretty much the same as everywhere else. The trouble itself lies mostly in quality of specialists. And no, currently I am not under any form of care. Neither clinical nor social. I try to cope on my own. Just as always.

Have you been fully open in the past?

I don't believe I was. I mean... My last relationships maybe, but it seems that I wasn't, apparently. Even though I believed I was. To be fair, whenever I try to be fully open people just freak out and call me names, so... I don't think I'll ever experience that kind of catarthis. I can imagine just and only one situation where it will be possible, but after that the show will come to an end.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Going back over posts now I've had a better (i.e proper full night's) sleep and am glad I'm somehow not spinning too bad. Seems like my plan of using a bunch of night shifts to 'surf the urge' has worked to a degree. Well, its nearly a week since my consultant appt. I seem to spend too much of my life wishing time away. And then wondering where its gone. Weird sensation. I guess the main thing is that its not hurting others.

@LRkin
you mentioned possibly following a dream and re-directing things. What does that look like?
And thats a MEGA amount of weight to have lost in a month! Whats your approach? I hope its something you're able to sustain if you're getting results you are happy with!

I think a lot of people kind of expect to to be a cure of sorts.. but there really is no "cure", is there? We just kind of… learn to see the world differently sometimes?

I really struggle with this too - like society tells you to 'speak to someone'/'see a professional' but then the professional sits back and sort of says 'there's nothing wrong with you, nothing to cure'. Society wants to report you and therapists play things down - the listening without judgement is/was unnerving. Like why are you not reacting - is this not a really bad coping strategy that I've built up. Confusing.

sometimes i feel like a fraud even here where I guess we all have SI
sometimes I feel a fraud cause I guess I live a pretty lucky and privliged life and I hear stories of others and I guess I feel like a baby throwing their toys out of the cot

Relate to this for sure! I also find myself censoring myself a lot of the time when I remember I'm mid 30s and child free and finally for the past year (fir the first time ever) living in a flat on my own, so I can selfishly tailor my life perfectly to what I wanna do. So moaning about being tired or busy is almost rude to someone like a colleague who has 4 kids while working.
I guess I'm at a point of stalemate where I can't push for 'good things' because of the risk/fear of failure. Which the biggest thing is hurting others. I know in my history I hurt/upset others. Its not good. So when (over time) I maybe build something up, but then 'that time' comes and I just kick off and it gets real messy real quick and I just see people around me getting worried or upset and hurt that I'm not engaging or listening or whatever. It hurts. And it was avoidable. And then time moves on. And I forget and gain a glimmer of hope and maybe start building some sort of community/relationships (IRL) again, only for me to fuck it up. Only the next time, the spiral is quicker, the reactions more explosive/hurtful. Also exacerbated by people around me, by default, being older and having more to juggle in their own life like job responsibilities or families/dependents/caring responsibilities. And here I am essentially throwing toys outta my pram more and more dramatically and its just a mess. So I can't allow myself to do it ever again realistically. Its not fair to hurt and upset others. Good people. When there's so much of their own shit to be juggling without suddenly having this adult toddler all in their face.

I feel I need to try to pursue a long held career dream of mine

Fancy expanding/sharing more? (Obvs don't have to).

 

[StarsAbove]

@NZkiwi
I am currently a therapist but I have imposter syndrome for reasons that brought me here. I do however still like the idea of helping others, I just want to do something more metaphysical or geared toward holistic wellness. I was studying to be an astrologer. My latest entrepreneurial idea involved blending astrology and therapy-adjacent activities. I want to do it all, but what I think I would eventually love to do is hold wellness retreats. All of this has to be take step by step of course.

 

[LRkin]

you mentioned possibly following a dream and re-directing things. What does that look like?
And thats a MEGA amount of weight to have lost in a month! Whats your approach? I hope its something you're able to sustain if you're getting results you are happy with!

My dream is opening a coffee shop. I enjoyed brewing coffee when I hepled my friend to run his place while he was out of town. And it kinda helped me to get through a long depressive episode, so it kinda grew on me.

My approach is really unhealthy. Do not recommend it. I consume about 1000 kcal while my BMR is around 1900-2000, plus I walk at least 70000 steps a week. Fruites, veggies, a little bit of lean meat or fish or just cottage cheese (with low fats) just to cover my proteins. That's pretty much it. I do that mostly because I hate myself.

 

[NZkiwi]

Just finished another shift at the bar. The light social contact keeps me busy, working with hands is a little healing.

Off to see the public psychiatrist tmrw... first time in years... try best to be honest....



***

I feel like it's a bit like going to the doctor and telling them some symptoms but not all… you'll get the wrong treatment. Wrong diagnosis.. you know what I mean?

Yeah that's so fair. I guess it's 50/50 you saying the right thing, and the therapist knowing the right questions.

he's the first one I actually feel like I can be honest with

What does fully honest mean to you? Like do you go into detail around the previous trauma, or like ctb techniques, relationship drama... what do you mean by fully open? And how do you open the tap of vulnrability without over flowing the kitchen sink and flooding the ground floor with your emotions? If that makes sense. Idk, I feel so guarded about parts of my life I'm not sure how to safely open up. Lol, maybe it's here haha

*****

I try to cope on my own

I mean, we're here for you my g

To be fair, whenever I try to be fully open people just freak out and call me names, so... I don't think I'll ever experience that kind of catarthis. I

Something i've been learning is there a difference between being emotionally honest/open and emotional intensity. Have you been able be open without being intense.
Something else i've been learning is DARVO when dealing with nariscisit, where the Deny, Attack me, and Reverse the Victim and Offender (make you feel like shit for opening up). Curious if the people you speak to are the right people and healthy people
My parents certainly aren't

****

Relate to this for sure! I also find myself censoring myself a lot of the time when I remember I'm mid 30s and child free and finally for the past year (fir the first time ever) living in a flat on my own, so I can selfishly tailor my life perfectly to what I wanna do. So moaning about being tired or busy is almost rude to someone like a colleague who has 4 kids while working.
I guess I'm at a point of stalemate where I can't push for 'good things' because of the risk/fear of failure. Which the biggest thing is hurting others. I know in my history I hurt/upset others. Its not good. So when (over time) I maybe build something up, but then 'that time' comes and I just kick off and it gets real messy real quick and I just see people around me getting worried or upset and hurt that I'm not engaging or listening or whatever. It hurts. And it was avoidable. And then time moves on. And I forget and gain a glimmer of hope and maybe start building some sort of community/relationships (IRL) again, only for me to fuck it up. Only the next time, the spiral is quicker, the reactions more explosive/hurtful. Also exacerbated by people around me, by default, being older and having more to juggle in their own life like job responsibilities or families/dependents/caring responsibilities. And here I am essentially throwing toys outta my pram more and more dramatically and its just a mess. So I can't allow myself to do it ever again realistically. Its not fair to hurt and upset others. Good people. When there's so much of their own shit to be juggling without suddenly having this adult toddler all in their face.

I feel like the older we get, the less "cool" it is to be depressed and suicidal if that makes sense.
There's a society expection we internalise that we have to somewhat get our shit togeather as we get older, and when our current emotional (and physical/financial/romantic etc) state doesn't match what we expected.... can feel a bit ... ya know

I'm curious given your experience, oh wise one, where along your healing journey are you now?
How far have you come? Like for real, where was rockbottom (if you feel comfortable sharing) and where is your headspace now
I think we forget how far we've come even when we have glitches.

****

I am currently a therapist but I have imposter syndrome for reasons that brought me here. I do however still like the idea of helping others, I just want to do something more metaphysical or geared toward holistic wellness. I was studying to be an astrologer. My latest entrepreneurial idea involved blending astrology and therapy-adjacent activities. I want to do it all, but what I think I would eventually love to do is hold wellness retreats. All of this has to be take step by step of course.

Ohhh what's your star sign? What's your favourite gem I'm scorpio. I love dabling in astrology altho I wouldn't be as versed as you.
My favourite chrystal was moissenite. I wore it around my neck for almost a couple of years (got it in cambodia) after visiting the killing fields/s21.
Before I realised 1) it's not a rare earth chrystal and 2) I probably got scammed and it's probably just cubic zirconium. I guess meaning comes from within.

What type of wellness retreats do you want to do? V curious. This is not my forte.

 

[StarsAbove]

@ConfusedClouds
Thank you! Its nice to have a forum like this to turn to. Haha! Yes navigating this forum is not so user friendly. I hope I did not miss any replies to me.

@NZkiwi
I get what you mean. The certainty and finality of deciding to be gone feels like a relief when life otherwise feels so beyond your control. You mentioned feeling like your life is good on paper. I feel like that pertains to so many of us, including me. It almost makes it worse for us because outsiders do not understand. I wish I could enjoy these things and feel bad that I am taking it for granted. There was a time when I had none of these things and it brought me a tremendous amount of joy when I first obtained them.

For me, I think my disorganized attachment style is largely responsible for my extreme sensitivity. Once I find someone I think I have a deep connection with, which is very rare, I panic when I feel like I am losing that connection because I feel like I will never have that again. Then I push them away because I feel hurt and it can often create the very thing I was most afraid of.That is what is missing in my life, deep connections with others who understand me. Whst is life without quality relationships? I am estranged from most of my family and it has this become all the more important to me to havw these kind of relationships. I feel bad because this person who I thought was pulling away (BTW I made up this whole story in my mind about how they must hate me, hate it when my brain does that) was actually going through something similar to me, they were suicidal and that is why they withdrew. It makes me cringe at myself to type that out, it feels gross the way I react/ed.
@NZkiwi
I love my fellow water signs! I am a Cancer with a lot of water in my chart. Thats why I am always up in my feels
Ive never heard of that crystal before! Im gonna look it up. Oh no that sucks that you got scammed! Hey the placebo effect is really powerful! My fave is probably celenite. It has a nice high vibes.

I want to create an environment where I can make people feel like they are healing and whole at least for a bit. I would want the retreat to be somewhere beautiful in nature, where we would serve healthy organic food, do yoga and meditation and listen to sound healing. Maybe some type of ceremony celebrating major astrological events. That is something I would truly love to do.
@NZkiwi
I love my fellow water signs! I am a Cancer with a lot of water in my chart. Thats why I am always up in my feels
Ive never heard of that crystal before! Im gonna look it up. Oh no that sucks that you got scammed! Hey the placebo effect is really powerful! My fave is probably celenite. It has a nice high vibes.

I want to create an environment where I can make people feel like they are healing and whole at least for a bit. I would want the retreat to be somewhere beautiful in nature, where we would serve healthy organic food, do yoga and meditation and listen to sound healing. Maybe some type of ceremony celebrating major astrological events. That is something I would truly love to do.
Shit im sorry. That was a huge wall of text

 

[LRkin]

I mean, we're here for you my g

Thank you. Didn't mean to say that you guys are not emotionally supportive. Just saying that beyond SaSu I kinda deal with it all by myself.

Have you been able be open without being intense.

Not really. I suppress my emotions all the time, and if I try to open up it gradually intensifies. OR people who I open up to just trigger me and shit hits a fan.

Curious if the people you speak to are the right people and healthy people

Nah, I don't believe they are. Although, one of them was a therapist, lol. But I don't really believe there's such a thing as "healthy people". Never seen one.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

@LRkin
Are there any plans underway for your coffee shop, or is it in total dreamland status atm? Or somewhere in between?


Yea that really doesn't sound sustainable BUT I'm glad to hear you are keen on keeping up protein, thats a massive thing to help keep your body functioning. I have dabbled in calorie counting but it really didn't work for me, I had to step away from it. But I'm glad for the experience in some ways for giving me a good idea of the nutrition value and calorie content of most common foods and so I now have to trust myself to sort of go off intuition (maybe a bit of googling), but I also don't trust any calculations of my requirements as I am a female who falls as overweight in BMI, even into obese when I let things slip at all. Yet its because of muscle. But I can't explain nor trust all of that. I still see mahoosive thunder thighs beyond the muscle. And there's a chicken/egg dilemma. I've always been big, so I think a cope of mine is being strong means I can allow some elements of being big. But then it also gets messy with how does muscle impact metabolism. I love cottage cheese too!!!

The light social contact keeps me busy, working with hands is a little healing.

I find work and 'doing' super helpful too. Until I interact too much and get myself all worked up. But in general, a useful form of distraction.

Off to see the public psychiatrist tmrw... first time in years... try best to be honest....

Good luck! Let us know how you find it

And how do you open the tap of vulnrability without over flowing the kitchen sink and flooding the ground floor with your emotions

I love this analogy so much. I relate massively. Then (to steal and expand your vision) I found therapy really frustrating as it never was there at the right time. The tap would have a leak and start flooding everywhere, but the plumber isn't for several days, so have to find a way to stem the flooding enough to not drown. Usually by shutting down/forgetting/zoning out. So it all seizes up. So when it comes to therapy time, its all rusted and seized and takes most of the 50 mins to find a way to loosen it. But then time's up, the plumber has to leave. And a lot of times, the loostening would work the tap open over the next day or two - spinning (flooding) everywhere at everything. But no therapy/plumber for another week, so have to block/seize it all up again. And repeat the cycle.
Ok sorry, I ran with that a bit too much. But it really resonated. So thanks for the imagery.

I'm curious given your experience, oh wise one, where along your healing journey are you now?

Not wise. And not healing. In a sort of stalemate of somehow ending up in a textbook life set up on paper that I would have been chasing after years ago. But not really appreciating it. Lots of being zoned out and functioning on autopilot as a robot. Implosion is not far off if ever I have to make decisions. Not helped by the fact I'm going through a diagnosis process for whats likely to be a messy chronic condition that I have probably been living with for years, maybe decades. So what even is real. Urgh. Can't process. The other key factor is isolation. Sort of ran away from my past lives about 4 years ago. Friends, family. The lot. Burden. Couldn't articulate. Needed to be gone. Eventually ghosted all. Can't go back. Mainly ran so they wouldn't miss me/be upset if/when I die/CTB. But that obviously has never happened. So those initial times on the run (living in my vehicle for a while) were probably pretty low. Some real moments of heightened, frightened states for several months. But then I seemed to start somehow finding myself finding seasonal jobs in new locations that I'd always been interested in living. And now I've found myself with a career type job but maybe in a less idyllic location, but living on my own/in my own space for the first time ever. So have kinda stopped and I have no idea how I've been here a year in this flat now/18 months in this job/location, but nor can I really tell you much about the years before - time just disappears into a blur. I focus on surviving the autopilot day-to-day and next thing its been another few months.

You mentioned feeling like your life is good on paper. I feel like that pertains to so many of us, including me

+1 for the textbook life on paper, but total mismatch to the brain inside it!

 

[StarsAbove]

Anyone use the law of attraction to try to manifest happiness?

+1 for the textbook life on paper, but total mismatch to the brain inside it!

Go us!

 

[LRkin]

Are there any plans underway for your coffee shop, or is it in total dreamland status atm? Or somewhere in between?

More like in a status of stupid dream, really. I mean... Technically it's possible. But I don't believe it will work.

Yea that really doesn't sound sustainable BUT I'm glad to hear you are keen on keeping up protein, thats a massive thing to help keep your body functioning.

Unfortunately, I don't keep it up each and every day. I try to, but the funny thing is the longer I starve myself the lower is my appetite. Like... When I finally make it home I don't really want to eat. Sometimes I just stuff myself with it, and sometimes I just can't.

I also don't trust any calculations of my requirements

This. Because to make it right you should count everything and readjust it as your weight changes. That's one of reasons why I chose that huge deficit — even if my calculations can be wrong it won't affect me that much.