"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Cloud Busting]

I don't think you owe SaSu anything. Regardless of what happened, if you're in a better place mentally and this place isn't providing what it used to, I really think it might be time to leave. People come here knowing they'll see stuff like what you were mentioning, so I'm not sure it really makes sense to feel guilty about it. You did what you did, you grew, and now it sounds like staying here is stunting your growth and I'm not sure it's really worth it. Obviously, it's your choice, but from the sounds of it, it might be good to consider leaving this site.

For me, the bad of this site doesn't weigh me down nearly as much. While still being in a much better place mentally, having the option of openly discussing this stuff if I change my mind is reassuring and provides a level of control over my life that a lot of mental health services tend to take. I like the supportive atmosphere here. It's one of, if not the only, social media I'm not actively terrified of. I don't feel like I'm on display, awaiting judgment and hatred.

I'm no longer in a suicidal state, but I'm not recovered I'm still struggling a lot and still feel like I have no where else to go but here yet I don't want to be here so much anymore…

I remember vein actually made a discord recovery group here for us… he was there for me when I attempted, stood up for me when it was found out I sought out members to goad me into doing it because I was having doubts… they got reported for revealing their motives in my thread like the idiots they are. Of course vein is no longer with us sadly, but what a legacy he left behind. He created the greatest thread on this site. He was a pleasure to know.

The more I think about it what I really want is to expand the narrative of my attempt on SaSu into something ultimately positive rather than a sad story that forever haunts me.

I'm still not ready to leave yet, but I'll be sticking to recovery exclusively for now.

I did turn to discord when this place became too much… and I'm actually running a peer support server right now. It's not as anti humanity and doomerist as here but it still has strong pro-choice values as suicidal and just mentally ill ppl generally aren't getting proper health care and deserve a space where they can talk about their real feelings and their distrust of the mental health system without fear of being pressured or shamed or judged or reported by the police.

It's meant to be feminist and more inclusive/intersectionalist than here.

If anyone wants a link I'll provide it when I feel ready having it fully open (: it's a soft launch rn

Of course if this space is meeting your needs, I'm happy you have it. It's not fully meeting my needs so I'm creating an alternate space.

Yet I do think getting this thread to become active again would be integral to my healing because I was so sad this thread became dead when usagidrop left even if I understand why she did…

I wanna breathe more life to this thread as it was the most helpful space for me when I was completely broken abd alone after my suicide attempt… ugh

 

[Musiclover338]

The gym has helped me out alot, as bland and basic as that sounds... it really improves my mood when i come out after a hard work out.

also not sure yet but i think quitting porn and excessive masturbation also helps you stay "happy" per say.

CHEERS !

 

[LRkin]

So... Hi, everybody.

I was somewhat suicidal for a very huge part of my life. Ever since I was sixteen, I started to harm myself and thinking about ending it all. Though, I never made an actual move towards catching that bus. I was (and still is) somewhat of a loner. Never got to make any friends at school, and during my university years I only manage to find a couple of friends online and two people back in my uni to talk to. One of those people was my gf, and even though I wasn't physically lonely, I always felt that existential loneliness. My ex-gf is a nice person, but she never understood what I felt and never saw things the way I did. Which led to eventual breakup (though, somehow, we were together for eight years).

A lot of stuff happened during my first relationships. I had to move to Czech Republic for a couple of years to continue my studies, and... it happened right before COVID-19. So, being stuck in a foreign country with no friends or close people messed up my head really hard. Which, in turn, influenced our relationship and, eventually, we grew distant and ended it.

After that I moved to another country yet again, in hopes of starting a new life. I gave myself a chance, but it failed miserably. No matter how I tried, I just ended up even more depressed and empty.

And when I thouht that it can't be worse... I've met my last gf. It felt like she was sent to my by God. Like he found some mercy and decided to give me some hope. But... it didn't last long. And the breakup was so painful that I almost caught the bus. And yet, I managed to stop myself and move on. Not fully, though, as it still hurts like hell.

Now... I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my job, I indulge in SH from time to time (only to distract myself from all those negative thoughts). But still... I decided to give myself the last chance. Another sharp turn. I've gained a lot of weight for the last couple of years, so I started fasting myself (lost about 11-12 kilos or about 25 pounds in a month), and I am thinking about quitting my shitty job and trying to pursue my dream. Although, I am a bit old for that (I'm almost 30) and a tad afraid of making that step — my dreams tend to turn into dust as soon as I approach them.

I have no idea if it will work, but I am willing to try for one last time.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@LRkin

Hey

This thread is so dead since usagi drop left I miss her hope she's well wherever she is

I skimmed this so I'll say this

There is no obligation to recover

It's ok if you decide to recover 8 more times

It's ok to decide you don't want to recover after all

We support u regardless!

I'll read later but

I'd like to tag @ColorlessTrees she used to bring so much light and solace and joy this site could use more of

 

[ColorlessTrees]

@LRkin

Hey

This thread is so dead since usagi drop left I miss her hope she's well wherever she is

I skimmed this so I'll say this

There is no obligation to recover

It's ok if you decide to recover 8 more times

It's ok to decide you don't want to recover after all

We support u regardless!

I'll read later but

I'd like to tag @ColorlessTrees she used to bring so much light and solace and joy this site could use more of

I was barely even on lmao I honestly stopped posting also because I felt very invisible and also like I made things about myself too often but I think that was internal perception probably and the people I hung out with. I'm in a very different place now and it's not that the site is triggering for me more that I dislike the vibe and extremism now but I'd be happy to get more steam going on this thread, I could log in and check just for this.

Anyway, I'm not really recovered and I'm skeptical about the mental health system but I'm more recovery oriented than most since I have people to live for and a decent life overall since I got married.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Fuck it I don't even care.

I can't sleep. Much of it is just shame from the past. It really is hard to be here, and no, I'm not gonna leave. Cuz again, it's hard to find a place to discuss recovery without having to sell a sanitized version.

It's been almost three years since I attempted and broadcasted planning it here, and I just have a lot of feelings, a lot of loneliness, and grief. 2023 was the darkest fucking year of my life and to be able to expand my perspective… that's the goal. I miss heavy, kikoo… vein… kertu… ijustwanttodie… man

God I have had to be fake and play social roles I mean you don't just integrate into society after this… I lived alone, all my items gone…

This three year anniversary is so hard I'm crying right now. But first time in my life OH MAN i want to die is transformed into no I just don't want to have these feelings… this situation…

And I wish I could just wipe the entire existence of this place from memory. But that's impossible. My father dying fucked me up… he wasn't my bio but basically was cuz my "real" sperm donor is a dead beat. And realizing how lucky I was to have a man I could call dad… many girls in my situation never got that. Now I can look back at dad fondly rather than with grief…

So how can I make this experience a complexed layered part of my history… and not a dark shame I dare not ever discuss…

I didn't want to die…. And I almost did…. Ahd the pain it would have caused ppl… and to know other ppl…. Died not wanting to and if circumstances were different would they be around here today?

FUCK

I have so many things about SaSu just nagging at my fucking soul. Who wants to be there for me to try abd process them?

I remember I used to be so happy for ppl here who died abd felt like a sociopath bc I didn't grieve then abd I wanted to be like them… fuck. I was so happy for them… I'd see them soon to grieve them is selfish they did the right thing… Now I feel so differently today. Remember… feelings can always change.

@LRkin sorry I haven't responded to you in depth more directly this hurts too much for words….

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@Cloud Busting first of all, I love that Kate Bush song. You're like my yo-yo that glowed in the dark--what made it special made it dangerous. Glad to hear you're starting to do well ^_^

I'm doing great. I tidied my living space for the first time in my life and I'm maintaining it. Car and 1br apartment fully Marie Kondo-ed. It has given me such peace of mind. I'm also getting back into the gym. My lower back is going to take some time to rehab. I have to squat and deadlift extremely light. But it's getting better. This is gonna be a big year of coaching HS wrestling. I have 5 really good seniors.

 

[LRkin]

sorry I haven't responded to you in depth more directly this hurts too much for words….

It's alright, @Cloud Busting. I am already glad that you nocticed the post. And thank you for sharing your feelings. I mean what's the point of having this place if we can't be honest with ourselves, let alone with other people who might just feel the same?

God I have had to be fake and play social roles I mean you don't just integrate into society after this…

That's, in my opinion, is one of the most discouraging things. Trying to pretend that everything is fine, putting on masks and playing along with people who have no clue that it hurts like hell makes it so much worse.

You mentioned in one of your previous posts that you're not recovering yet and still struggling, so I hope you'll find a spark that will illuminate the way ahead, and you'll find your inner peace. Or at least you'll find a way towards it. And I hope you, and all the folks here, will have a good day (or night).

 

[UltraAlter]

I've tried to get caught up on these posts, but my attention span will unfortunately only get me so far. But it's good to see people here in a 'better' place… and I use the word 'better' instead of 'good' intentionally… there seems to be a lot of improvement which is lovely … there's obviously still room for a lot more improvement amongst most, but that's fine.
I hope everyone is doing well and taking things day by day.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I'll jump in on the bandwagon here while its starting rolling again. I've dabbled in posting here in the past. I don't know what I want, but the past year I've somehow found myself with the ideal combo of life circumstances (living in my own flat, well paid job, activity/gym routines that all fit etc). But no real 'life' outside of 'work'. But I never have and I am stuck, confused, lost and only ever sabotage myself and relationships etc etc.

I also struggle with the frantic nature of the impulsive waves of panic-sourcing and random threads that just get trashed by people reading into and ripping into tiny words choices that weren't even part of the OPs point/discussion. Maybe I've reached that plateau of being on here too long, and lurking/scrolling far too much. But I swear there used to be more relatable content/threads popping up. But this also applies to the shitshow that is the divisive nature of society and the politics of division working in the favours of lining the pockets of those billionaires.

Ok. This is recovery. Need to keep it less doomer. But its hard. I struggle to see a future in a personal sense where I can't deal with relationships or connections (I have messed with/upset/hurt too many good people), but also increasingly where I perceive so many floors in society that noone else seems to be giving any shits about. All led by politics and business and lots of -isms (e.g. capitalism neoliberalism) that I just don't understand and also appreciate that there's no winning formula and there are some functional reasons for things to have ended up this way, not solely billionaire's greed. Sorry. Too negative again.

It spins back to where to turn. There is no where. Speaking to friends/acquaintances leads to offers of help or signposting and its all well meaning but doesn't yield any solutions. In my experience just pain and frustrations where I fail at articulating and they get pissed off that I'm bottling or hiding. And then therapy has to stick to strict boundaries for valid reasons. As do friends. But where do I turn when I have a huge wave of upset and don't know what to do with myself. Wait nearly a week to try and recall it to therapist when my brain wipes all my memory of it as soon as the wave passes. I know it happened. I'm embarrassed, but can't recall nor repeat the details and the whys. So its back to me gaslighting myself that all is fine. But its not. But I have no choice but to force myself that it is. Because I'm functional and working and independent, I can't be 'that bad'. Heck I even went to the gp earlier this week after a week of concerning symptoms with my body not regulating my temperature well at all (as in kinda unnerving fluctuations) And hydration/electrolytes feeling all imbalanced. To be told 'well it is hot weather atm. You need to stop over thinking' repeated a couple times. To which I gave up and stormed out in tears. Yea. Just overheated and hormonal and overthinking. When I thought I had actual physical symptoms that were definitive to discuss. So where do I turn for non definitive physical symptoms. Hotlines or whatever would direct me to therapy but I'm in stalemate with therapy after tantruming and running away from my therapist of ~3 years (only ever, private) and knowing full well that trying any new ones just spirals me so bad with feeling misunderstood where therapist did sort if get me even if she pissed me off more than helped.

Ok this is far too long an essay rant. Not even sure what I'm trying to say. I guess thats the issue. Here is somewhere to try and form words and make sense because irl you can't be brainstorming as you go - you need to understand and have words ready.

If you're still somehow reading thanks and sorry.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Ok.

I miss getting tagged by usagidrop and highflight. Usagi I hope you're happy and at peace wherever you are.

I've been thinking a lot about how our peers influence us. Wild how usagi leaving killed this thread, and me bumping it is getting people to post. Usagi, you helped so many people, including me. Your positive impact is to not be dismissed.

It's ok to not be ok, and to share that. SaSu exists for a reason. Yet to have different perspectives and experiences and multiple views of thought only keeps the discussion nuanced and less of an echo chamber. Democracy leads to free choice and thought so I'd say this fits well within the ethos of the site, no?

tag game! My favorite:

@Musiclover338

Honestly bland and basic is helpful in terms of recovery. It's having the energy to do the things that is hard. Especially when you're lonely and have no social support. Positive support is motivating, isn't it? If it's not, that's cool, and I'm curious why it isn't for you. I'm a curious creature. ^^ opened minded to difference. Blessing plus curse.

Personally sex helps me recover lol… but we're all different. Sex can turn destructive like anything.

How you feeling today? What motivates you to go to the gym? How do you defeat self-criticism on low energy days?

@OnMyLast Legs

I was originally pinkribbonscars I failed hanging and came back welcomed with open arms. It was amazing.

Pinkribbonscars is a reference to:



I know that feeling… being relieved cuz the pain is ending soon. I didn't want to revive my account. Too triggering. I started fresh with a Kate Bush reference to symbolize recovery, my rebirth. Kate bush is mother. That empathy. She's given me hope in the darkest of places.

Coaching wrestling sounds rewarding.

And all you guys going to gym… create a workout mega thread! That'd be cool

How are you doing now? Glad you were good last time you updated. When the darkness prevails, you always have us for as long as we're here… and new souls that come along the way.

@LRkin

I remember making a thread in recovery and someone said I'm never gonna be whole. Shit like that made me kinda leave this place. I just can't forget because of my torrid ties here. You can't make a goodbye thread like that and just forget it, you know? So instead of fighting it I'm giving the site light. I lost the energy to do that, so I'm glad to bring it back.

It sucks. I used to feel like I could be honest on SaSu. But this place is too anti psychiatry sometimes. I don't fit in many spaces. I'm pro suicide prevention and recovery, but I think the entire system needs serious reform. Instead of giving up, I find another way if I'm not satisfied with what's out there. My greatest strength. Where's the third way, for people who want to recover but hate the recovery culture status quo or don't have glowing reviews about cops, safety plans and the medical establishment/system as a whole.

Honestly I'm tired of being TOLD what to do, whether it's to give up on therapy or meds or trying, or how to feel about treatment and getting judged cuz it's not this rosy experience. I don't seem to get attached to my providers like some do, I dread therapy and fucking hate it, and police should not be involved in care, and I think most hospitalizations are over the top unnecessary. Oh boy… recovery spaces hate me.

Also getting attached to your therapist is unhealthy and imo some ppl are way too attached to it. Not everyone needs it, it's not for everyone, and the goal is to not need it anymore! Also therapy is horrible and painful, stop pressuring ppl to be nothing but overjoyed and grateful, and stop treating therapists like miracle worker angels, they too are human.

Anti authoritarian, free thinking, consensual, pro choice recovery. How do we make this a growing movement?

I read your thing… which country now? And heartbreak… oof. I feel like my boy was sent to me from God too. When he eventually leaves…

And covid has fucked everything up. It is better to die trying than to never find out. Late 20s is young, I'm 32 and can barely keep a job. We're all just trying to survive. Fuck social standards. Achievement is a trap that only leads to pressure and emptiness. I don't care about it anymore. I just do what I want, when I want, under negative utilitarian principles. lol. Suicide is off the table under those principles.

To be listened to and seen for who you are as a person without being idealized or stereotyped or given advice… best feelings in the world. Good luck and we support you no matter what happens.

***

I could tag more but it's not working. I left therapy early. I never want to go back. Horrible. I'm reconciling things I never wanted to know, remembering things I don't want to remember. I hate it. It's from fucking hell. I found a street friend and I wanted to get high with him, this is horrible.

Fuck this stupid boy. Imma kill him so I can kill mysekf cuz if it weren't for him I'd be self destructive still. Get outta my head man.

Should I see if the 11:30 spot is open? I'm so terrified of therapy I never want to go back I hate it so much

@bagel12

My goodbye thread is hidden now. If it comes back it will be locked. You gave me solace, any advice?

@UltraAlter aw, that's beautiful… people don't want to be realistic about recovery and it feels so good to do so here. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life…

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@Cloud Busting
another great song. A gym megathread is a great idea!

 

[Musiclover338]

Ok.

I miss getting tagged by usagidrop and highflight. Usagi I hope you're happy and at peace wherever you are.

I've been thinking a lot about how our peers influence us. Wild how usagi leaving killed this thread, and me bumping it is getting people to post. Usagi, you helped so many people, including me. Your positive impact is to not be dismissed.

It's ok to not be ok, and to share that. SaSu exists for a reason. Yet to have different perspectives and experiences and multiple views of thought only keeps the discussion nuanced and less of an echo chamber. Democracy leads to free choice and thought so I'd say this fits well within the ethos of the site, no?

tag game! My favorite:

@Musiclover338

Honestly bland and basic is helpful in terms of recovery. It's having the energy to do the things that is hard. Especially when you're lonely and have no social support. Positive support is motivating, isn't it? If it's not, that's cool, and I'm curious why it isn't for you. I'm a curious creature. ^^ opened minded to difference. Blessing plus curse.

Personally sex helps me recover lol… but we're all different. Sex can turn destructive like anything.

How you feeling today? What motivates you to go to the gym? How do you defeat self-criticism on low energy days?

@OnMyLast Legs

I was originally pinkribbonscars I failed hanging and came back welcomed with open arms. It was amazing.

Pinkribbonscars is a reference to:



I know that feeling… being relieved cuz the pain is ending soon. I didn't want to revive my account. Too triggering. I started fresh with a Kate Bush reference to symbolize recovery, my rebirth. Kate bush is mother. That empathy. She's given me hope in the darkest of places.

Coaching wrestling sounds rewarding.

And all you guys going to gym… create a workout mega thread! That'd be cool

How are you doing now? Glad you were good last time you updated. When the darkness prevails, you always have us for as long as we're here… and new souls that come along the way.

@LRkin

I remember making a thread in recovery and someone said I'm never gonna be whole. Shit like that made me kinda leave this place. I just can't forget because of my torrid ties here. You can't make a goodbye thread like that and just forget it, you know? So instead of fighting it I'm giving the site light. I lost the energy to do that, so I'm glad to bring it back.

It sucks. I used to feel like I could be honest on SaSu. But this place is too anti psychiatry sometimes. I don't fit in many spaces. I'm pro suicide prevention and recovery, but I think the entire system needs serious reform. Instead of giving up, I find another way if I'm not satisfied with what's out there. My greatest strength. Where's the third way, for people who want to recover but hate the recovery culture status quo or don't have glowing reviews about cops, safety plans and the medical establishment/system as a whole.

Honestly I'm tired of being TOLD what to do, whether it's to give up on therapy or meds or trying, or how to feel about treatment and getting judged cuz it's not this rosy experience. I don't seem to get attached to my providers like some do, I dread therapy and fucking hate it, and police should not be involved in care, and I think most hospitalizations are over the top unnecessary. Oh boy… recovery spaces hate me.

Also getting attached to your therapist is unhealthy and imo some ppl are way too attached to it. Not everyone needs it, it's not for everyone, and the goal is to not need it anymore! Also therapy is horrible and painful, stop pressuring ppl to be nothing but overjoyed and grateful, and stop treating therapists like miracle worker angels, they too are human.

Anti authoritarian, free thinking, consensual, pro choice recovery. How do we make this a growing movement?

I read your thing… which country now? And heartbreak… oof. I feel like my boy was sent to me from God too. When he eventually leaves…

And covid has fucked everything up. It is better to die trying than to never find out. Late 20s is young, I'm 32 and can barely keep a job. We're all just trying to survive. Fuck social standards. Achievement is a trap that only leads to pressure and emptiness. I don't care about it anymore. I just do what I want, when I want, under negative utilitarian principles. lol. Suicide is off the table under those principles.

To be listened to and seen for who you are as a person without being idealized or stereotyped or given advice… best feelings in the world. Good luck and we support you no matter what happens.

***

I could tag more but it's not working. I left therapy early. I never want to go back. Horrible. I'm reconciling things I never wanted to know, remembering things I don't want to remember. I hate it. It's from fucking hell. I found a street friend and I wanted to get high with him, this is horrible.

Fuck this stupid boy. Imma kill him so I can kill mysekf cuz if it weren't for him I'd be self destructive still. Get outta my head man.

Should I see if the 11:30 spot is open? I'm so terrified of therapy I never want to go back I hate it so much

@bagel12

My goodbye thread is hidden now. If it comes back it will be locked. You gave me solace, any advice?

@UltraAlter aw, that's beautiful… people don't want to be realistic about recovery and it feels so good to do so here. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life…

I personally listen to alot of heavy metal, High energy music, Dark music, Jungle music (really gets me going) i use that for energy in the gym. Most days i dont even feel like, but once ur in a gym and see other people trying and going hard it kinda motivates you just being there (ontop of your paying money for it lol)

Also I watch david goggins motatvational videos.... You gotta get out there and just do it, theres no excuses. life and your brain will constantly throw shit at you, its how you react to it Tell Life to fuck off
my motivation is to become so strong mentally and physically that nothing will phase me. Point blank period.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I'm also a fan of non-lyrics, mega upbeat/high energy type music for gymming. Drum and bass is my go to atm. I think I often zone out quite a lot and my sessions are very much autopilot now. I've done the same weights sessions weekly for maybe 4-5 years now. The odd week off. But I know how hard it is to start up those first few weeks again from scratch so thats my main motivator to not allow myself longer than a 1 week 'recovery' break. And I feel so much DOMs if I even have one week off, but at least the numbers are still fairly heavy - I'm not back to feeling super sore after just lifting the bar.

There's so much crap that I feel like I have urges to spam. But I know I can't. Which is part of my isolation. I have it clear in my mind that somethings upset me but the moment I try putting it to words it just doesn't happen/come out right. Or (like this) its skirting around any point and wasting resources/space/words ironically moaning about not being able to moan but wanting to. Urgh. Not practical nor possible. I just get swamped with embarrassment and guilt about wasting good peoples time and being a huge burden. Have learnt that I just have to zone out and ignore it and forget it. It always comes back around, whack-a-mole, but each individual thing isn't 'bad-bad' but its just many. And winds me up so much when its repeated and familiar yet I can't articulate that. I regret cutting off some of the amazing people from my past life 3-4 years ago now, but I was just upsetting and hurting them more and more as I got more and more upset spiralling about trying to open up but failing. And even worse not having a specific 'trauma' nor 'event' nor 'childhood' that warrants any decline nor marks any turning point for 'why'. Therapist also kinda started to 'get it' after a few years and I kinda miss her too, but I just CANNOT seem to cope with sticking to boundaries. Just not fair nor appropriate. CanNOT go back. See even here, typing fecking pointless rambling essays totally unsolicited and blocking out you guys from engaging in actual conversation. Urgh. Sorry.

 

[UltraAlter]

Ok.

I miss getting tagged by usagidrop and highflight. Usagi I hope you're happy and at peace wherever you are.

I've been thinking a lot about how our peers influence us. Wild how usagi leaving killed this thread, and me bumping it is getting people to post. Usagi, you helped so many people, including me. Your positive impact is to not be dismissed.

It's ok to not be ok, and to share that. SaSu exists for a reason. Yet to have different perspectives and experiences and multiple views of thought only keeps the discussion nuanced and less of an echo chamber. Democracy leads to free choice and thought so I'd say this fits well within the ethos of the site, no?

tag game! My favorite:

@Musiclover338

Honestly bland and basic is helpful in terms of recovery. It's having the energy to do the things that is hard. Especially when you're lonely and have no social support. Positive support is motivating, isn't it? If it's not, that's cool, and I'm curious why it isn't for you. I'm a curious creature. ^^ opened minded to difference. Blessing plus curse.

Personally sex helps me recover lol… but we're all different. Sex can turn destructive like anything.

How you feeling today? What motivates you to go to the gym? How do you defeat self-criticism on low energy days?

@OnMyLast Legs

I was originally pinkribbonscars I failed hanging and came back welcomed with open arms. It was amazing.

Pinkribbonscars is a reference to:



I know that feeling… being relieved cuz the pain is ending soon. I didn't want to revive my account. Too triggering. I started fresh with a Kate Bush reference to symbolize recovery, my rebirth. Kate bush is mother. That empathy. She's given me hope in the darkest of places.

Coaching wrestling sounds rewarding.

And all you guys going to gym… create a workout mega thread! That'd be cool

How are you doing now? Glad you were good last time you updated. When the darkness prevails, you always have us for as long as we're here… and new souls that come along the way.

@LRkin

I remember making a thread in recovery and someone said I'm never gonna be whole. Shit like that made me kinda leave this place. I just can't forget because of my torrid ties here. You can't make a goodbye thread like that and just forget it, you know? So instead of fighting it I'm giving the site light. I lost the energy to do that, so I'm glad to bring it back.

It sucks. I used to feel like I could be honest on SaSu. But this place is too anti psychiatry sometimes. I don't fit in many spaces. I'm pro suicide prevention and recovery, but I think the entire system needs serious reform. Instead of giving up, I find another way if I'm not satisfied with what's out there. My greatest strength. Where's the third way, for people who want to recover but hate the recovery culture status quo or don't have glowing reviews about cops, safety plans and the medical establishment/system as a whole.

Honestly I'm tired of being TOLD what to do, whether it's to give up on therapy or meds or trying, or how to feel about treatment and getting judged cuz it's not this rosy experience. I don't seem to get attached to my providers like some do, I dread therapy and fucking hate it, and police should not be involved in care, and I think most hospitalizations are over the top unnecessary. Oh boy… recovery spaces hate me.

Also getting attached to your therapist is unhealthy and imo some ppl are way too attached to it. Not everyone needs it, it's not for everyone, and the goal is to not need it anymore! Also therapy is horrible and painful, stop pressuring ppl to be nothing but overjoyed and grateful, and stop treating therapists like miracle worker angels, they too are human.

Anti authoritarian, free thinking, consensual, pro choice recovery. How do we make this a growing movement?

I read your thing… which country now? And heartbreak… oof. I feel like my boy was sent to me from God too. When he eventually leaves…

And covid has fucked everything up. It is better to die trying than to never find out. Late 20s is young, I'm 32 and can barely keep a job. We're all just trying to survive. Fuck social standards. Achievement is a trap that only leads to pressure and emptiness. I don't care about it anymore. I just do what I want, when I want, under negative utilitarian principles. lol. Suicide is off the table under those principles.

To be listened to and seen for who you are as a person without being idealized or stereotyped or given advice… best feelings in the world. Good luck and we support you no matter what happens.

***

I could tag more but it's not working. I left therapy early. I never want to go back. Horrible. I'm reconciling things I never wanted to know, remembering things I don't want to remember. I hate it. It's from fucking hell. I found a street friend and I wanted to get high with him, this is horrible.

Fuck this stupid boy. Imma kill him so I can kill mysekf cuz if it weren't for him I'd be self destructive still. Get outta my head man.

Should I see if the 11:30 spot is open? I'm so terrified of therapy I never want to go back I hate it so much

@bagel12

My goodbye thread is hidden now. If it comes back it will be locked. You gave me solace, any advice?

@UltraAlter aw, that's beautiful… people don't want to be realistic about recovery and it feels so good to do so here. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life…

Thanks for re-booting the thread Cloud.

Personally, I am a big fan of therapy. Not even necessarily for the purpose of "recovery", but more so personal growth. It's nice to have someone to talk to who has zero bias in the situations being discussed. If I go in saying "I'm having this issue with my partner" I don't get the "yeah fair enough, he's an idiot" that I would from my friends who are always going to be on my side (you know, within reason). It's nice to have an outside point of view. We can get tunnel vision on our own shit and I like being given other views. I guess there are other places people can get that, but I find it helpful for me. Especially when my work can have some very 'sensitive' topics… it's nice to talk to someone who legally can't pass anything that I vent about along haha.

I don't know if any of that made sense or if it's just rambling and repeating because I haven't re-read it. Just kind of voicing thoughts as they come


Anyway… I'm glad you're still with us. You really do seem like a lovely person, and lord knows the world needs more of those. I'm sorry life is still rough for you, and I hope things can get better for you soon.


Hope everyone is doing well today

 

[LRkin]

Hi, folks! Sorry for being late — tried my best to have some rest during the weekend, and kinda abstained from posting on SaSu. I wouldn't call it some sort of recovery per se, but at least it somehow keeps me afloat. So... It's not a win, but at very least I am not losing.
***
@Cloud Busting, yet again, thanks for your reply. Answering your question — I live in Kazakhstan now. It's okay. Has it's own pros and cons, but which country doesn't?
As for the other thing... Yeah, I kinda noticed. Some people (understandably so) are gloomy about the whole recovery stuff. But anti-psychiatry resentment feels forced and cruel nonetheless.
And hearing that you're never going to be whole again is heartbreaking. In my believe, being whole is possible and it can happen in a plethora of different ways. One just needs to find one. Of course, no one can guarantee it, but a chance is still a chance, right? So... Thank you for bringing that light and supporting some of us in buying some time to figure this whole thing out.
***

I'm also a fan of non-lyrics, mega upbeat/high energy type music for gymming. Drum and bass is my go to atm.

@ConfusedClouds, same here. It sets the rhythm and sometimes it helps to clear the mind. Although, for some reason I ended up listening to that sort of music at work when I just type and type and type.
***

Personally, I am a big fan of therapy. Not even necessarily for the purpose of "recovery", but more so personal growth. It's nice to have someone to talk to who has zero bias in the situations being discussed.

@UltraAlter, I am glad that therapy is working at some sense or another. I wish it helped me too, but I feel somewhat disenchanted with it. But then again — to each their own. So as long as it helps... it's nice.
***
And, of course, I wish each and every person in this thread a good day.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I ended up listening to that sort of music at work when I just type and type and type.

Yes!!!! Almost like a white noise effect. An absolute oddball one I've used when working before is having musicals or disney movies playing in the background. I'm far too familiar with their scripts/lyrics so its kinda white noise/I don't need to pay attention to the plot, but I get the upbeat song boosts every few mins!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So my headwreck is coming this week. Over the weekend and today I've had some wobbles, but more like waves of tears rather than anything existential. But I've kinda kept in my bubble doing my routine of gym sessions, walking/cycling lots and hiding in my flat. The next 2 days I have work shifts (12h) so I'll be all functional and sociable and the time will fly by. The mess is likely to come on Thurs. The next (2nd) appt with my rheumatologist. All signs are leading to a possibly grim chronic genetic condition. Except these 'signs' are what my physio has been explaining to me and then dr google. Which is not a great combo. Though the physio has been on the money since session 1 with what exercises I can do to help and what MRI scans to order and what they are/aren't showing. Just with a 5 month wait for the first appt, for the doc to send me away with some Very basic/generic meds and to get another MRI. But thats been a 2 month wait between appts. And she never ordered any diagnostic bloods. So I have all my hopes pinned on getting some form of information/explanation/understanding on Thurs, but in reality she's just gonna send me away for another LONG 2 months and to get some bloods run. I was super spinning and upset and all over the place last time for days. To the point where I took overtime night shifts at work to get me out of my flat and away from the bottle.

I've anticipated this and got 4 night shifts lined up over the weekend (night shifts = sleep deprivation = brain fog = can barely think = can defo not overthink everything any more).

But its so confusing being these few days in a bubble of ignorant bliss and even allowing myself to fantasise about maybe trying to reconnect with people or therapist. But no. Need to wait. I'll be spinning existential whats the point if my spine's gonna be fucked in a few years now anyway. I ran because I was a mental burden, it would be the ultimate dick move to resurface (if they'd even listen to me which likely not) and only be on a fast track conveyor belt to becoming a physical burden. Even more of a headwreck considering I am a late 30s female who is currently squatting and deadlifting 1.5x bodyweight and benching near enough bodyweight. Yet got doc and physio looking at me confused and an MRI scan showing partial fusion of joints and pain coming and going as inconsistently as my emotions. Nothing makes sense. I'm typing this in a kinda chill matter-of-fact/not thinking way this eve. But in a few days the truth will be fresher in my mind again (i've had 2 months to forget it all) and I'll not be calm about it. Sorry for the vent here.

 

[UltraAlter]

@UltraAlter, I am glad that therapy is working at some sense or another. I wish it helped me too, but I feel somewhat disenchanted with it. But then again — to each their own. So as long as it helps... it's nice.
***
And, of course, I wish each and every person in this thread a good day.

I used to be verrrry anti-therapy for a couple reasons, one; I just couldn't find someone suited for me, two; I think I put too much pressure on it. I expected it to make me better, when at the end of the day it's up to me and only me. When I stopped using therapy as some kind of bandage in a sense, and started using it for personal growth, I got a lot more out of it. I wouldn't necessarily use it to "feel better", but more so to learn strategies and more about myself and how I process things and function.
If that makes sense?

I think a lot of people kind of expect to to be a cure of sorts.. but there really is no "cure", is there? We just kind of… learn to see the world differently sometimes?
Idk, I'm rambling.

Glad to see you're holding up

Hope everyone has had a good week

 

[t8129]

I'm no longer in a suicidal state, but I'm not recovered I'm still struggling a lot and still feel like I have no where else to go but here yet I don't want to be here so much anymore…

I remember vein actually made a discord recovery group here for us… he was there for me when I attempted, stood up for me when it was found out I sought out members to goad me into doing it because I was having doubts… they got reported for revealing their motives in my thread like the idiots they are. Of course vein is no longer with us sadly, but what a legacy he left behind. He created the greatest thread on this site. He was a pleasure to know.

The more I think about it what I really want is to expand the narrative of my attempt on SaSu into something ultimately positive rather than a sad story that forever haunts me.

I'm still not ready to leave yet, but I'll be sticking to recovery exclusively for now.

I did turn to discord when this place became too much… and I'm actually running a peer support server right now. It's not as anti humanity and doomerist as here but it still has strong pro-choice values as suicidal and just mentally ill ppl generally aren't getting proper health care and deserve a space where they can talk about their real feelings and their distrust of the mental health system without fear of being pressured or shamed or judged or reported by the police.

It's meant to be feminist and more inclusive/intersectionalist than here.

If anyone wants a link I'll provide it when I feel ready having it fully open (: it's a soft launch rn

Of course if this space is meeting your needs, I'm happy you have it. It's not fully meeting my needs so I'm creating an alternate space.

Yet I do think getting this thread to become active again would be integral to my healing because I was so sad this thread became dead when usagidrop left even if I understand why she did…

I wanna breathe more life to this thread as it was the most helpful space for me when I was completely broken abd alone after my suicide attempt… ugh

Do you still have the link to that discord group

 

[NZkiwi]

kia ora / heyy all

I'm 50/50 about posting, 50/50 about recovering and ctb. I guess sigh.... this can be a brain dump. I guess trying not to use chatgpt and talk to real people

I've had a pretty solid suicde plan for a while
Sold most of my things - was moving country but was a good guise as well i guess
came back, said good bye to my friends
been lurking around this site for a while ... sometimes i feel like a fraud even here where I guess we all have SI
sometimes I feel a fraud cause I guess I live a pretty lucky and privliged life and I hear stories of others and I guess I feel like a baby throwing their toys out of the cot

but I digress

today 2 important things happened
1) i found MiC so (theoretically) I have reduced the barrier to ctb by having a source of SN if I order it
2) i called our countries suicide line (Called lifeline)...

After making sure they wouldn't call the authorities... I kind of told them everything... and it felt cathartic

Maybe that's why im posting here ... just trying to let go

Let's see if this sticks.

anyway... enough about me, maybe I should show I was paying attention to everyone on this page at least. Is this what we do here? idk, but let's see

***

@UltraAlter did you ever feel like you could like fully open up during therapy? Idk, I guess I've "had therapy" for a few years now but I always had to put up a front. I get what you mean by personal growth, it has helped immensely. I'm not sure how to be honest to my therapist fully without being taken to a psych ward :/

I do get what you mean about learning strategies, and learning more about yourself. I guess I often wonder how much more about myself do I learn before I get "Better" and on the other side of it all.

I hope you have a good week too.

***

@ConfusedClouds was reading about the gym session and yeah very proud you keep active. Have you tried running or is that not your thing? I've just moved back to my home countries so been mostly dooing hikes, missing my running. I am not really good at gyming, maybe one day. I hope the appoitnment with your rheumatologist show's it isn't anything sinister.

Also curious if your up beat music is edm/hardstyle/dubstep hahah. I do like music festivals

***
@LRkin wow Kazakhstan. Other side of the world, I can only imagine. I get what you mean about anti psychiatry, thankfully where I'm from they're pretty good people and I trust them. I used to work in health care, and ironically I'm on the other side. I have a bias where I don't trust mental health workers in other countries as they seem more about chemically lobotomising mental health individuals rather than functional recovery or living a normal life. If I'm not prying, what's your experience been like over there?

***

@Musiclover338 haha I feel like we would have similar interest in music, i love heavy metal as it reminds me of EDM
Interesting you bring up old goggins (stay hard!!)
I heard his first book is about no one understanding him, and him pushing himself to the limits
And in second book, after running thousands of miles, his mottos is something like (let me find the quote)
"People understand you more than you think. You live your life believing nobody understands what you're going through"
hmm interesting isn't it

****

@deadanddecomposing i think someone said earlier, this feels like a safe space to really say your thoughts without judgment, and eventually we'll all be off this site, wheather it's ctb or recovering. for those who moved on, I wish them all the best.

***

@OnMyLast Legs last but not least (sorry missed you when writing this initially so had to edit the post!!) // good job on tidying a room. Nice having everything put away nicely (or at least out of sight lol). it's the small things that get to you.

I take you're another gym goer. Have you ever tried running? .>>---<< I guess I'm trying to find one running friend here lol.

anyway that's enough for one night, lovely to meet you all and wish you all the best regardless of the choices you make x

 

[StarsAbove]

@NZkiwi
What made you want to cbt?
I have had passive SI most of my life but only ever got close to actually accepting that I was going to do it and making serious plans a couple times in my life. A couple weeks ago was one of those times. I feel a bit ashamed for this, but it was brought on by what I thought was my best friend started heavily distancing themselves. Why this mattered so much to me is that it feels like confirmation of my un-worthiness, that I am unlovable, and that I will never be able to deeply connect with others.....views of myself I have held forever and what has perpetuated my life long SI.

This time around, I was going to get a get a tent and helium tank and and run it in there or in my car but this forum taught me that is not how it works, that I need to put a bag over my head but that freaks me out. I feel like ive tried pretty damn hard to get better in the past, but I figured my only other option is try harder than I ever have to get better, and if that doesnt work out, suicide will always be there. I feel I need to try to pursue a long held career dream of mine that will being like minded community to me and maybe, just maybe I can have a fulfilling life
Sorry, that was meant to be 2 separate posts but I cannot edit or delete it apparently

 

[Cloud Busting]

Oh my god, how on earth does this thread have life breathed into it I've been way too emotionally distraught to post here but this warms my heart this is magical this is beautiful


Welcome @NZkiwi and @StarsAbove so nice to have u

 

[ConfusedClouds]

@NZkiwi yes I do run, but only really once or twice a week for a steady plod round the local country roads. No targets nor races. Initially I forced myself because I know how hard it is to restart after stopping. And also I've had shin splints a couple times which I don't want again!!! But now I find it resets me, but I prioritise the weights and HIIT classes in the week and plug the gaps with runs so I'm doing something most days. I do a lot of hiking (especially solo backpacking/tramping) too but I've lost interest in it, especially living in a not very interesting area atm (rural but agricultural) and I've explored all the marked trails now. But with the gym/run I can zone out and do them on autopilot with zero decisions required.

I am no DJ so kinda just let spotify do the work and stick to familiar artists to me. On runs atm I'm listening to sigma, the gym is pendulum or deadmau5. Happy to hear artist suggestions along those lines though!

If you said the phoneline was cathartic for you, its a shame you can't be open in therapy. I totally relate to that. Are NZ therapists forced to report like US ones are? I'm a Brit and it seems much less likely you get reported, but I get the impression that thats more to do with the lack of resources and no beds, so I think they might more commonly try opening dialogue/reporting you to emergency contacts and/or gp, but less likely try to get you locked up as such. Thats my experience anyway. But its not that simple!!


@StarsAbove welcome! Yes, its a quirk of this forum that it lumps together posts you make within a certain timeframe (can't remember the specifics), even if you post them separately.


@Cloud Busting thank you for giving it a kick start for sure. It almost feels taboo on this site being able to try saying anything towards recovery. But I think thats also internalised where I know its a mess and I can't allow it. But in the same paragraph then chat about SN or rope or whatever method. And bounce between them.

Sorry to see/hear in various threads that you've been a bit all over the place this week. Have you managed to reach out to your therapist again? (No judgement either way - I had a tantrum and ran from mine 7 months ago now and haven't been able to justify trying again - I'd been with her 3.5years through a lot of messy times). But I partly feel I get too dependent/high expectations so its unrealistic and I'm better just zoning out and trucking on in life flying solo (in every sense).


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Regarding my medical appts last week, they went better than I thought they would. Came out of them not feeling upset or not heard. In fact the consultant saw me nearly getting upset and insisted 'I don't want you to leave here until you understand whats going on'. Its not great news, but nothing urgent either - yea there's probably a chronic mess going on, but its not gonna suddenly wipe me out - there's time between next steps. But I also think feeling calmer is a lot to do with the fact I'm on my 4th (12h) night shift since then. Which works in 2 ways (1 probably ok, 1 probably not ideal) 1. Being kept busy with gym, food prep, napping, back to work. 2. Sleep deprivation = an element of brain fog = less overthinking, so kinda slowing myself down to allow things to digest over time rather than jumping to conclusions and judgements far too quickly. I've got a gp appt lined up for Fri to discuss with him more about what this all is/means and what I should be reporting/being concerned about vs ignoring and pushing on regardless. But I don't think logic brain would have kicked in yet if I was just moping on my own in my flat - there would have been overanalysing and scrolling dr google, so either making drastic decisions too quickly or zoning out and forgetting the whole thing until the autumn when my next consultant appt is.

My brain has also latched onto plans I have now for a trip in late Sept. I'm getting my thigh tattoo extended. And between duty tasks on my N shifts I've been researching travel and accommodation options and got engrossed in the planning. And got a cute cottage with an epic view booked for 4 nights now, and actually kinda keen for it. Which is an odd sensation. 1. That its something so far into the future/2 months and 2. That maybe there is a glimmer of genuine excitement for the actual trip itself. Normally its more to do with logic brain being 'satisfied' that the plans work well, rather than actually been keen for the specifics of what/where


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok thats way too long, sorry I didn't get back to a couple of the posts earlier last week!

 

[NZkiwi]

kia ora koutou / hi all

Just about to start the shift at the bar so will mull over your question/posts while i work


@StarsAbove

i guess that short version is

i feel like when the future is not predictable (bad news happening, dreams falling away, social stuff), my brain seeks certainty
the act of actively, planning to ctb has brought me calm when im in distress, and allows me to ground myself, and regulate myself faster

sorry that you feel shameful when you tried to ctb with helium, you must be very hard on youself
i do get what you mean, if life doesn't get better suicide will always be there



****

@Cloud Busting ahh sorry didn't realise there was more than one cloud person on this thread, will reply more carefully to your posts after my bar shift!

***

@ConfusedClouds you got me confused as with all the clours, again will ready your post after shift. My one suggestion is crystalized (feat. inez) - subtronics remix (or the original song if you don't like the remix) if you like pendulum.

***

sorry got to go to work
it's been cathartic having a place to speak openly without judgement. long time lurker

-- nzkiwi xx

 

[LRkin]

Hi, folks.
It's been a while. I hope everyoune has a good day (or night or any other time of day).

Updates... none. Still doing not so great and not so terrible. It feels like I stuck. Certainly not the first time, and yet it bothers me quite a bit. Although... lately it was kinda hard to cope with it. I've had worse, though. I think I'll survive.

***

@LRkin wow Kazakhstan. Other side of the world, I can only imagine. I get what you mean about anti psychiatry, thankfully where I'm from they're pretty good people and I trust them. I used to work in health care, and ironically I'm on the other side. I have a bias where I don't trust mental health workers in other countries as they seem more about chemically lobotomising mental health individuals rather than functional recovery or living a normal life. If I'm not prying, what's your experience been like over there?

Alright. Long story short — psychology in post-soviet countries is a weird mix of bullshit, cargo cult and mumbo-jumbo. I grew up surrounded by 'therapists' and, probably, I am kinda biassed towards them. However, a couple of years ago I tried therapy after my last breakup and it sucked bad. Different specialists, different methods, no effect and a lot of money spent on basically nothing.
But I am rather curious... how did that catarthic moment feel like? If I'm not prying too much, of course.
***

But I also think feeling calmer is a lot to do with the fact I'm on my 4th (12h) night shift since then.

I loved night shifts. I won't pry into your line of work and I have no idea if there are a lot of people during these shifts, but in my case I was all alone in my office. My shifts were quiet and I could drink some tea or coffe while working on papers.
Sleep deprivation is a bitch, though. Never had troubles with it during night shifts, but absolutely hated it during 24h shifts.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Ah yes, double clouds. As my name says - I'm always confused. But like with any place where theres 2 people with the same name, its easier being one of them than everyone else who has to remember to differentiate!


@NZkiwi
I can massively relate to the idea of CTB being calming and more stable than the chaos of the big wide scary world out there. But then CTB isn't that 'simple' as an act in itself.
Thanks for the recommendation, I've added it and will have a go in the gym shortly. Squats session this morning once I've escaped work in half hour!


@LRkin - I definitely relate to feeling stuck. In limbo between. Sometimes leaning one way or the other, but never far enough, for long enough, and consistently enough to follow through or fully act. Just kinda floating in the middle in a zoned out autopilot with time disappearing around me.

Yea sorry I won't be too detailed as its a fairly niche/identifiable line of work as such, but it does involve regular routine reports and checks from an office type environment 24/7/365. When on duty, its a solo job which is great - the space to manage your time and activities in your own way away from others. It can be busier on weekday dayshifts when management/some office hours staff are kicking about. I'm also lucky that my office has 2 on duty at all times, so on the N shifts, we manage it split half and half so 1 works and the other rests (remaining on site/on call), so I've just had a 3-4h nap on shift! The other offices have just one solo staff member so they do the full 12h without such extended breaks. I do those shifts sometimes to cover and it feels brutal when I get the luxury of so much rest at my office!

24h shifts!!! Thats brutal! I hope you were able to get some rest on those shifts?!

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Post gym music feedback. Liked what I heard on the song you suggested, so whacked on the 'This is Subtronics' playlist (as I said - no music understanding, I just pick an artist and play the generic playlist of their songs). And I defo approve. It'll be my go to for a wee while I reckon until I get bored of it or another artist catches my attention!

Thanks for the recommendation from the other side of this large strange ball of life, death and gravity!

 

[NZkiwi]

I am please to announce, I have discovered how to using the quoting tool on this forum ay lmfao

What made you want to cbt?

i guess that short version is

i feel like when the future is not predictable (bad news happening, dreams falling away, social stuff), my brain seeks certainty
the act of actively, planning to ctb has brought me calm when im in distress, and allows me to ground myself, and regulate myself faster

I guess on reflection... it's easy to confabulate (make up) reasons why i want to ctb. I guess it's a deep emotion that things aren't right, and the idea of ctb calms that feelings down.... emotions are weird.

I have had passive SI most of my life but only ever got close to actually accepting that I was going to do it and making serious plans a couple times in my life. A couple weeks ago was one of those times. I feel a bit ashamed for this,

I am sorry for the situation you're in, it's not nice to suffer having those thoughts.
And I'm sorry you attach shame for having those thoughts.
I can imagine/understand what you mean, for me I feel a little embarrased cause my life on paper probably pretty "fine", and I feel embarassed my brain gives me the experience of wanting to ctb. its tough isn't it

but it was brought on by what I thought was my best friend started heavily distancing themselves. Why this mattered so much to me is that it feels like confirmation of my un-worthiness, that I am unlovable, and that I will never be able to deeply connect with others.....views of myself I have held forever and what has perpetuated my life long SI.

if you feel comfortable sharing, and with anonymity. would you feel comfortable share a little but more about what happened, and how you were feeling going through this. I'd like to understand a little more before commenting. It sounds like a generally shitty place to be in.

Funny thing about mental health is that people are supportive of you going through it, until you "Really" are going through it, and then sometimes people distance themselves from the whole situation.


****

If you said the phoneline was cathartic for you, its a shame you can't be open in therapy. I totally relate to that. Are NZ therapists forced to report like US ones are?

I think if you're in acute danger they have to I guess esculate and report. Unsure how the health services work in the NHS, but in NZ we have wrap around services and I think if you have a good safetynet they won't esculate
I say this and I don't feel comfortable opening up in therapy fully. Have you tried? How did it go?
Maybe I should give it a go...


****

However, a couple of years ago I tried therapy after my last breakup and it sucked bad

funny story, after my last break up
I tried alcohol
i tried pot
i tried porn
i tried vaping
i tried talking to friends

the only thing that stopped my chest hurting was.... running and i guess that's why im an avid supporter of physical activity
back then i was not fit at all... now I run 20-30km a week.

Different specialists, different methods, no effect and a lot of money spent on basically nothing.

sorry about the money spent. how does therapy work in your part of the world? is it structured e.g act, cbt, emdr, dbt etc, are you under a clinical psychologist or social worker
i had poor experiences with therapist that weren't registered and qualified clinical psychologist personally.
but i guess like you said means different things in different parts of the world

But I am rather curious... how did that catarthic moment feel like? If I'm not prying too much, of course.

welcome to pry, i am a open book. Good question, let me reflect upon it and i'll reply later on.
Have you been fully open in the past?
Open meaing open the the outcome
Open meaning emotionally honest and open
Not neccisarily emotionally intensity as in open... idk i've be learning to be open to people without bleeding on them


i didn't want to ctb then 'cause out of respect of the relationship i didn't want to feel that way

Post gym music feedback. Liked what I heard on the song you suggested, so whacked on the 'This is Subtronics' playlist (as I said - no music understanding, I just pick an artist and play the generic playlist of their songs). And I defo approve. It'll be my go to for a wee while I reckon until I get bored of it or another artist catches my attention!

Thanks for the recommendation from the other side of this large strange ball of life, death and gravity!

haha you have made me smile, thank you kind stranger

 

[UltraAlter]

@UltraAlter did you ever feel like you could like fully open up during therapy? Idk, I guess I've "had therapy" for a few years now but I always had to put up a front. I get what you mean by personal growth, it has helped immensely. I'm not sure how to be honest to my therapist fully without being taken to a psych ward :/

I do get what you mean about learning strategies, and learning more about yourself. I guess I often wonder how much more about myself do I learn before I get "Better" and on the other side of it all.

I hope you have a good week too.

I honestly do. But only because I feel comfortable with my therapist. I've been through many and he's the first one I actually feel like I can be honest with, completely. I've been seeing him for years now. Without being able to open up fully, it seems like a waste of money. But it does take time to reach a point of comfort in which you CAN be completely open. For me anyway.
But I understand what you mean.

I feel like it's a bit like going to the doctor and telling them some symptoms but not all… you'll get the wrong treatment. Wrong diagnosis.. you know what I mean?

Hope you had a lovely weekend

 

[LRkin]

how does therapy work in your part of the world? is it structured e.g act, cbt, emdr, dbt etc, are you under a clinical psychologist or social worker

Technically, it's pretty much the same as everywhere else. The trouble itself lies mostly in quality of specialists. And no, currently I am not under any form of care. Neither clinical nor social. I try to cope on my own. Just as always.

Have you been fully open in the past?

I don't believe I was. I mean... My last relationships maybe, but it seems that I wasn't, apparently. Even though I believed I was. To be fair, whenever I try to be fully open people just freak out and call me names, so... I don't think I'll ever experience that kind of catarthis. I can imagine just and only one situation where it will be possible, but after that the show will come to an end.