"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[deadanddecomposing]

Don't we need to make better spaces for ppl so this isn't the only one ppl utilize? I would have never fucking been here in the first place if I had ppl to talk to but I didn't and ppl can certainly get radicalized here it's terrifying it's scary

I felt so refreshed here, so happy to be honest, now I just feel sad and cheated. We deserve better spaces.

I feel guilty for sharing methods with ppl, guilty for making a goodbye thread which was very hurtful for ppl… my god someone said my death would have been traumatizing to them….

My god what have I done

I cannot share this story with most people but does it have to be here

I'm becoming more interested in the peer support non carceral movement…. They don't deny the status quo is harmful to mentally ill ppl but unlike here, they aren't so bleak. They're…. Honest. Life is both good and bad. This place can come across as downright anti recovery at times, though I don't think many users mean to be… the places your mind can take you…

I dunno. I want a better healthier place for ppl like us. Abd I feel like I owe it to the community, but I have to recover to myself. Yet

I think being an active regular member in this thread I can commit to.

My god does it feel good to get this off my chest secrets keep you sick so they say

So let's talk about how much recovery sucks and how hard it is to actually is to receive it. I turned to Reddit cuz I had no where else to go when this place was too triggering… and oh boy did they hate me for being honest

I don't want to be told what to do or how to think or feel. I just want to be fucking listened to and genuinely understood. Why do ppl not understand that. So then I came back here, but was so torn apart, that I relapsed and almost went homeless cuz I didn't want to live but I couldn't do that to my loved ones so I guess drugs it is…

But I think I can actually recover for the first time in my life and I no longer see suicide as a viable option I never want to be that low again. First time I felt that way since I was 13 holy shyte

Let's make this thread regular again. I miss it so much.

Tagging @4colliez @OnMyLast Legs @LostHighway @blepblep @byec560 @UltraAlter @krsm98 @witchcraft @Still.For.A.Minute @Kamaainakupua

There's more

How are you all? How are you feeling about recovery today? If you feel hopeless or tired or like giving up, don't feel guilty. It's ok. Recovery is for you and for you alone and you don't owe it to anyone

I feel like I had to stay here to make up for damage I did when I was posting here while making plans abd shit… and now I just hate I hsce a hostory here I could fucking puke

But wouldn't it be nice… to not be haunted and have to keep my SaSu activity a secret…. To turn this into a story that's layered and complex and a proud part of my history, cuz it pinnacles my growth.

Love to u all

I don't think you owe SaSu anything. Regardless of what happened, if you're in a better place mentally and this place isn't providing what it used to, I really think it might be time to leave. People come here knowing they'll see stuff like what you were mentioning, so I'm not sure it really makes sense to feel guilty about it. You did what you did, you grew, and now it sounds like staying here is stunting your growth and I'm not sure it's really worth it. Obviously, it's your choice, but from the sounds of it, it might be good to consider leaving this site.

For me, the bad of this site doesn't weigh me down nearly as much. While still being in a much better place mentally, having the option of openly discussing this stuff if I change my mind is reassuring and provides a level of control over my life that a lot of mental health services tend to take. I like the supportive atmosphere here. It's one of, if not the only, social media I'm not actively terrified of. I don't feel like I'm on display, awaiting judgment and hatred.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I don't think you owe SaSu anything. Regardless of what happened, if you're in a better place mentally and this place isn't providing what it used to, I really think it might be time to leave. People come here knowing they'll see stuff like what you were mentioning, so I'm not sure it really makes sense to feel guilty about it. You did what you did, you grew, and now it sounds like staying here is stunting your growth and I'm not sure it's really worth it. Obviously, it's your choice, but from the sounds of it, it might be good to consider leaving this site.

For me, the bad of this site doesn't weigh me down nearly as much. While still being in a much better place mentally, having the option of openly discussing this stuff if I change my mind is reassuring and provides a level of control over my life that a lot of mental health services tend to take. I like the supportive atmosphere here. It's one of, if not the only, social media I'm not actively terrified of. I don't feel like I'm on display, awaiting judgment and hatred.

I'm no longer in a suicidal state, but I'm not recovered I'm still struggling a lot and still feel like I have no where else to go but here yet I don't want to be here so much anymore…

I remember vein actually made a discord recovery group here for us… he was there for me when I attempted, stood up for me when it was found out I sought out members to goad me into doing it because I was having doubts… they got reported for revealing their motives in my thread like the idiots they are. Of course vein is no longer with us sadly, but what a legacy he left behind. He created the greatest thread on this site. He was a pleasure to know.

The more I think about it what I really want is to expand the narrative of my attempt on SaSu into something ultimately positive rather than a sad story that forever haunts me.

I'm still not ready to leave yet, but I'll be sticking to recovery exclusively for now.

I did turn to discord when this place became too much… and I'm actually running a peer support server right now. It's not as anti humanity and doomerist as here but it still has strong pro-choice values as suicidal and just mentally ill ppl generally aren't getting proper health care and deserve a space where they can talk about their real feelings and their distrust of the mental health system without fear of being pressured or shamed or judged or reported by the police.

It's meant to be feminist and more inclusive/intersectionalist than here.

If anyone wants a link I'll provide it when I feel ready having it fully open (: it's a soft launch rn

Of course if this space is meeting your needs, I'm happy you have it. It's not fully meeting my needs so I'm creating an alternate space.

Yet I do think getting this thread to become active again would be integral to my healing because I was so sad this thread became dead when usagidrop left even if I understand why she did…

I wanna breathe more life to this thread as it was the most helpful space for me when I was completely broken abd alone after my suicide attempt… ugh

 

[Musiclover338]

The gym has helped me out alot, as bland and basic as that sounds... it really improves my mood when i come out after a hard work out.

also not sure yet but i think quitting porn and excessive masturbation also helps you stay "happy" per say.

CHEERS !

 

[LRkin]

So... Hi, everybody.

I was somewhat suicidal for a very huge part of my life. Ever since I was sixteen, I started to harm myself and thinking about ending it all. Though, I never made an actual move towards catching that bus. I was (and still is) somewhat of a loner. Never got to make any friends at school, and during my university years I only manage to find a couple of friends online and two people back in my uni to talk to. One of those people was my gf, and even though I wasn't physically lonely, I always felt that existential loneliness. My ex-gf is a nice person, but she never understood what I felt and never saw things the way I did. Which led to eventual breakup (though, somehow, we were together for eight years).

A lot of stuff happened during my first relationships. I had to move to Czech Republic for a couple of years to continue my studies, and... it happened right before COVID-19. So, being stuck in a foreign country with no friends or close people messed up my head really hard. Which, in turn, influenced our relationship and, eventually, we grew distant and ended it.

After that I moved to another country yet again, in hopes of starting a new life. I gave myself a chance, but it failed miserably. No matter how I tried, I just ended up even more depressed and empty.

And when I thouht that it can't be worse... I've met my last gf. It felt like she was sent to my by God. Like he found some mercy and decided to give me some hope. But... it didn't last long. And the breakup was so painful that I almost caught the bus. And yet, I managed to stop myself and move on. Not fully, though, as it still hurts like hell.

Now... I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my job, I indulge in SH from time to time (only to distract myself from all those negative thoughts). But still... I decided to give myself the last chance. Another sharp turn. I've gained a lot of weight for the last couple of years, so I started fasting myself (lost about 11-12 kilos or about 25 pounds in a month), and I am thinking about quitting my shitty job and trying to pursue my dream. Although, I am a bit old for that (I'm almost 30) and a tad afraid of making that step — my dreams tend to turn into dust as soon as I approach them.

I have no idea if it will work, but I am willing to try for one last time.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@LRkin

Hey

This thread is so dead since usagi drop left I miss her hope she's well wherever she is

I skimmed this so I'll say this

There is no obligation to recover

It's ok if you decide to recover 8 more times

It's ok to decide you don't want to recover after all

We support u regardless!

I'll read later but

I'd like to tag @ColorlessTrees she used to bring so much light and solace and joy this site could use more of

 

[ColorlessTrees]

@LRkin

Hey

This thread is so dead since usagi drop left I miss her hope she's well wherever she is

I skimmed this so I'll say this

There is no obligation to recover

It's ok if you decide to recover 8 more times

It's ok to decide you don't want to recover after all

We support u regardless!

I'll read later but

I'd like to tag @ColorlessTrees she used to bring so much light and solace and joy this site could use more of

I was barely even on lmao I honestly stopped posting also because I felt very invisible and also like I made things about myself too often but I think that was internal perception probably and the people I hung out with. I'm in a very different place now and it's not that the site is triggering for me more that I dislike the vibe and extremism now but I'd be happy to get more steam going on this thread, I could log in and check just for this.

Anyway, I'm not really recovered and I'm skeptical about the mental health system but I'm more recovery oriented than most since I have people to live for and a decent life overall since I got married.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Fuck it I don't even care.

I can't sleep. Much of it is just shame from the past. It really is hard to be here, and no, I'm not gonna leave. Cuz again, it's hard to find a place to discuss recovery without having to sell a sanitized version.

It's been almost three years since I attempted and broadcasted planning it here, and I just have a lot of feelings, a lot of loneliness, and grief. 2023 was the darkest fucking year of my life and to be able to expand my perspective… that's the goal. I miss heavy, kikoo… vein… kertu… ijustwanttodie… man

God I have had to be fake and play social roles I mean you don't just integrate into society after this… I lived alone, all my items gone…

This three year anniversary is so hard I'm crying right now. But first time in my life OH MAN i want to die is transformed into no I just don't want to have these feelings… this situation…

And I wish I could just wipe the entire existence of this place from memory. But that's impossible. My father dying fucked me up… he wasn't my bio but basically was cuz my "real" sperm donor is a dead beat. And realizing how lucky I was to have a man I could call dad… many girls in my situation never got that. Now I can look back at dad fondly rather than with grief…

So how can I make this experience a complexed layered part of my history… and not a dark shame I dare not ever discuss…

I didn't want to die…. And I almost did…. Ahd the pain it would have caused ppl… and to know other ppl…. Died not wanting to and if circumstances were different would they be around here today?

FUCK

I have so many things about SaSu just nagging at my fucking soul. Who wants to be there for me to try abd process them?

I remember I used to be so happy for ppl here who died abd felt like a sociopath bc I didn't grieve then abd I wanted to be like them… fuck. I was so happy for them… I'd see them soon to grieve them is selfish they did the right thing… Now I feel so differently today. Remember… feelings can always change.

@LRkin sorry I haven't responded to you in depth more directly this hurts too much for words….

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@Cloud Busting first of all, I love that Kate Bush song. You're like my yo-yo that glowed in the dark--what made it special made it dangerous. Glad to hear you're starting to do well ^_^

I'm doing great. I tidied my living space for the first time in my life and I'm maintaining it. Car and 1br apartment fully Marie Kondo-ed. It has given me such peace of mind. I'm also getting back into the gym. My lower back is going to take some time to rehab. I have to squat and deadlift extremely light. But it's getting better. This is gonna be a big year of coaching HS wrestling. I have 5 really good seniors.

 

[LRkin]

sorry I haven't responded to you in depth more directly this hurts too much for words….

It's alright, @Cloud Busting. I am already glad that you nocticed the post. And thank you for sharing your feelings. I mean what's the point of having this place if we can't be honest with ourselves, let alone with other people who might just feel the same?

God I have had to be fake and play social roles I mean you don't just integrate into society after this…

That's, in my opinion, is one of the most discouraging things. Trying to pretend that everything is fine, putting on masks and playing along with people who have no clue that it hurts like hell makes it so much worse.

You mentioned in one of your previous posts that you're not recovering yet and still struggling, so I hope you'll find a spark that will illuminate the way ahead, and you'll find your inner peace. Or at least you'll find a way towards it. And I hope you, and all the folks here, will have a good day (or night).

 

[UltraAlter]

I've tried to get caught up on these posts, but my attention span will unfortunately only get me so far. But it's good to see people here in a 'better' place… and I use the word 'better' instead of 'good' intentionally… there seems to be a lot of improvement which is lovely … there's obviously still room for a lot more improvement amongst most, but that's fine.
I hope everyone is doing well and taking things day by day.