"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[UsagiDrop]

Thank you for understanding me.

I do think we're in a loneliness epidemic right now, for several reasons. Somehow we're all more connected than we have ever been and yet more isolated than we've ever been, too. I'm also curious as to what a loneliness ambassador could do.

On the job situation, any thoughts about taking a seasonal job and pushing the job hunt down the road a little ways. Wondering if that might help financially and remove some of the stress involved with searching. Just thinking out loud.

I have given this some consideration, and since I'm already working, I don't think I want to leave my current position for a temporary position. The hunt is just for a better job, so there's not so much urgency other than my panic about the possibility of me suddenly being fired so that newer employees can get more hours. Even if the seasonal job pays better than my current one, I would still have to search when the season ends, and I don't really want to be in a position where I don't have a job at all. I know that will put me into a crisis.

I'm trying to think of it as being uncomfortable for a while so that I won't have to worry so much later. It's stressful, but everyone who is able has to go through the job hunting hell before they find an opportunity that works out for them, right? I'm just so bad at handling stress right now, I can't depend on the crutches that I used to.

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys. Still currently sick as hell but sending love to the group. (I wanted to reply to everyone but realized I do not have the energy but still wanted to say hi, lol.)

For now I'll just say @lita-lassi fuck yeah, go you and your lawyer– we love a lawyer who is both hilarious and very competent– and also loneliness epidemic is right @UsagiDrop. Sorry that you're feeling alone in life.

 

[HighFlight]

@sadwriter - hope you feel better soon... and as you catch up with the thread, maybe you can set a new record with a quadruple post

 

[HighFlight]

Quick update: Since joining SaSu about 5 months ago, I've gained a new perspective on life and death, humanity, and a new found respect for the different journeys we are all on. I joined searching for answers that would help me determine my own path. As I have vowed earlier in this thread, I still have things to do in this lifetime before I can move on. I updated my profile pic to reflect a new determination. Thank you to all of you for your help and support!

 

[UsagiDrop]

Do you guys consider a new week to start on Sunday, or Monday?

Probably for growing up in a religious country, I'd say Sunday. For many people, it's a day to reset for the new or coming week. Do you guys do that, or are you like me and have to go into work/a class while others are resting?

Either way, it's a new week in my books, and I hope it will be a kind one to you all! Everyone who posts and lurks here deserves at least one wonderful day that makes us want to be alive this week, we've all been through the wringer a little but recently. I really hope that happens for us all. We've got this! I think!

 

[sadwriter]

@HighFlight55 I was surprised to see your profile picture change since I got so used to the sad & wise looking old man made of smoke. (At least the new guy has a beard which makes him also appear wise?!) It's awesome that you've come so far and have a new sense of determination!

@UsagiDrop I always considered Sunday to be the start of the new week when I was younger, but Monday honestly feels more like the beginning to me since that's when the work week begins. Regardless, I hope you're feeling better than you were on Friday, or at least aren't feeling any worse. (Feeling "better" seems like a lot to ask for sometimes, especially for us in this group...) I absolutely hate it when I'm not feeling good enough to clean, and I know that it can be a sort of vicious cycle of not being able to clean because you feel bad making you feel even worse & thus keeping you down. That also really sucks regarding your bills & being the one who gets penalized since they're under your name. But let me second HighFlight in saying that what you're feeling makes perfect sense! You've been going through a lot, and the fact that you're still able to mobilize and work towards finding a new job to put yourself in a better situation is awesome. You definitely should be proud of yourself for it.

I was reading an article about how New York has appointed Dr Ruth Westheimer as the state's honorary ambassador to loneliness. Not sure what she's going to do, but they are referring to it as a loneliness epidemic.

Also, this is wild!! I definitely am feeling the whole loneliness epidemic thing myself, honestly. I'm probably less connected than a lot of other people as well (at least in my generation) since I don't use social media. It does mean that I have to reach out and connect in a more genuine way with my friends vs just superficially following their feeds, but I think it might make people forget about me more easily when we haven't spoken for a while and also just keeps me less in the loop. I used to end up randomly replying to my friends' content back when I did have Instagram and organically connecting with them that way, but since getting rid of it in like 2020 when I learned more about data privacy stuff, I have to just text people out of the blue if I haven't spoken to them for a while but want to reconnect, which doesn't seem to be something that most other people my age really do. Despite all that, though, I think not having social media does me more good than harm.


In other news... I'm pretty much no longer sick, yay! I did have to miss my event on Friday– ie, a reading of a piece that I recently published, which was going to be a major career milestone for me– and that sucked, but I couldn't really do anything about it given how sick I was, and there will (hopefully) be more opportunities like that to come.

I know I've said this a bunch of times on this thread, but I'm doing better and think that I'm finally, FINALLY getting to the point where I'll be able to crawl out of the pit for real and start taking steps to get my life going again. It's taken me way longer than usual to get back on my feet and I don't think I've ever had a depressive/ dissociative episode this bad in my life, but now 36 days after what would have been my CTB attempt, I'm finally feeling somewhat like myself again and am ready to start taking bigger steps towards recovery again instead of sitting around and vowing not to CTB but also not truly wanting to be alive. I'm honestly trying not to be too positive right now, as counter intuitive as it may sound, because I used to be almost blindly optimistic about things for a good portion of my life only to be repeatedly disappointed, but I'm hoping that as the months go by, I'll continue to grow and will find reasons to have a positive attitude again in a more realistic way than I did the past.

Also, unrelated, I was just thinking about how long it's been since we've seen @BurgundySnap around here. If you end up seeing this, Burgundy, I hope you're doing ok!

 

[HighFlight]

Apparently, I'll need to come to work on the profile pic. That's OK. Like me, it's a work in progress...

@UsagiDrop - from a calendar view, I've always looked at Sunday as the start of the week. But from a practical point of view, Monday is the start of the week for me.

@sadwriter - your progress has been incredible, and in a relatively short period of time. While many mental health conditions may not be curable, you've can learn to adapt and overcome, and live a full, happy life. We both know there will be setbacks, but hopefully you have come away from this experience with coping techniques and realize that there are people who care - you are not alone. I truly hope that this trajectory continues for you, and wish you all the best!

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Re: feeling alone/loneliness, I can certainly relate, even when having people who cared for me at points of my life (most no longer do) or my family. I think involving a 'professional' in this way is a step in the right direction. It at least shows that the people in charge are aware of it and looking for solutions. I'm also interested in how this will turn out.
And I feel that the ubiquity of the internet has killed a lot of people's ability to socialize properly irl (or enabled those who struggle with it). That, and the sheer number of people you can talk to now makes you "replaceable" in a sense. None of this bodes well for deeper connections, which is what makes me feel less "disconnected". Then there's also the issue of maintaining the energy and time for all that in the midst of chaos (life).

I wasn't doing well at all, honestly became suicidal again briefly, so it feels like it took me forever to update, but thankfully I recovered on my own, just took a while. I'm left with the periodic shortness of breath, which while I experienced before, seems to be much worse now. Wasn't fun while flying for 10+ hours, on top of my cycle dragging out and continuously wrecking my mental health, compounding with little to no sleep in the last three days. Even after all this, I couldn't sleep last night, but I digress, enough complaining.

I feel very restless and out of sorts still, I chalk that up to hormones, but I'm very grateful to be with my fiancé. It's all I'm living for at this point. Culture shock got me the moment I stepped off the plane, but I have two months to adjust for now. Got a lot of learning to do and big plans to make, but I'm hoping for the best, and looking forward to spending the holdiays with/meeting his family.

I'm hoping to get back on track with studying and self care/domestic skills now, maybe volunteer work if I have the opportunity.

Best wishes to everyone as always

 

[sadwriter]

@HighFlight55 thank you for the kind words :) As much progress as I've made, I definitely still have a ways to go until I'm able to function like I could back in the spring. In the meantime, I'm glad to have the group to celebrate our victories together!

 

[carac]

I've heard venin has left us. I hardly knew him, we didn't interact much but I owe them a great deal. This thread has been a lifeline to me and although I hardly participated in it it has opened doors and led to friends and support I couldnt possibly have imagined.

 

[Sunny13111]

I wish it were that way, honestly

1. If it were easier to CTB, I wouldn't be here in the first place

2. That 0.9 % of me that doesn't wanna give up wants to give it another shot

3. I don't wanna die. I really don't wanna die.
It's just that my situation is so bad that I cannot see another way out besides CTB-ing.

But maybe I'm blind right now. Maybe I can't see the way out that doesn't involve CTB-ing.

I think the other ones that wrote here are in a similar situation.

I'm not encouraging life dude. I hate it.

I just don't wanna give up. Not yet. Albeit I think of just slitting my throat and ending it several times a day.

So trust me, I wish I had that kinda life that would allow me to be a pro-lifer…

Don't think it's so bad to encourage life. It's a choice and those who want to be encouraged will. Those who won't won't. Neither is wrong just different forks in the road x

 

[HighFlight]

As of yesterday, @venin.n was going to take a few days offline preparing for his journey. I don't have any additional information.

Venin was the founder of this thread and it has grown to be very active, and a major support tool for many of us. He would want all of us to recover and live, even as he struggled with his own demons.

While personally saddened by the news of his pending departure, I respect his decision and hope that he will finally find the peace he's been searching for.

Be at peace, my friend.

 

[carac]

As of yesterday, @venin.n was going to take a few days offline preparing for his journey. I don't have any additional information.

Venin was the founder of this thread and it has grown to be very active, and a major support tool for many of us. He would want all of us to recover and live, even as he struggled with his own demons.

While personally saddened by the news of his pending departure, I respect his decision and hope that he will finally find the peace he's been searching for.

Be at peace, my friend.

Yea I only have second hand information, maybe some mixed messages so can't confirm anything. Sorry if I have dragged anything up, just wanted to post that venin means a lot to me even though I hardly know him.

 

[HighFlight]

@carac - venin meant a lot to many of us, and it's great that you feel comfortable sharing here. I am saddened by every goodbye thread, but Venin's was very difficult for me. He really tried to recover, but ulimately decided that wasn't his path.

I don't have any first-hand knowledge, but have been keeping an eye on his Discord server. Venin has handed that over to Devnull to run. You may also have noticed that venin his SaSu account was deleted as of early this morning per his request.

If I hear anything else verifiable, I will let the thread know.

 

[D1byRam3n]

Im joined

Well then

Let's see how many of us agree on doing it

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome to our support group @D1byRam3n!

Feel free to participate or watch based on how comfortable you feel. While things have been a bit slow the past few days, there are quite a few of us who post updates and replies on a fairly regular basis.

Posts can be anything from a good or bad updates, venting, or just a rambling stream of consciousness. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out.

Welcome!

 

[HighFlight]

I've been pretty busy the past few days, and just noticed a new thread started by our friend, @carac . If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest check out the Weekly Challenge thread now pinned in the Recovery Forum.

@carac, Thank you for taking the time and effort to organize that thread! Let me know if you need any help.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Regardless, I hope you're feeling better than you were on Friday, or at least aren't feeling any worse.

I feel a lot worse actually! Lol, I'm just trying to stay neutral. I agree that "better" is a large ask for people like us, so that's why I'm trying my best to just exist

I think that is all I can do right now.

I used this box to type out a really long vent and then deleted it. I'm really not doing well right now but I'm still holding onto the idea of better days. Every day, the light at the end of the tunnel feels like it's getting further and further away from me, like I'll never even reach it. Yesterday on the radio I heard some guy talking about how his wife had a stroke and a brain aneurysm, and said out loud that that's where I feel like my life is headed. I'm just working, and stressing, and drinking myself into a grave, it feels like.

I'm sorry I can't reply to people again, I really want to. I might come back later if I start to feel better and do that. I feel like I'm actually going crazy right now.

 

[UsagiDrop]

there will (hopefully) be more opportunities like that to come.

Getting published is a huge deal, congratulations!! It is sad that you had to miss the event, but I hope that you were able to be proud of yourself regardless. Did you do anything to celebrate? There will definitely be many other opportunities, I believe in your talent and I'm sure that others do, too!

It's also inspiring to hear that you're coming up on the other side of a horrible time, and that you're ready to take bigger steps. I also hope that progress continues!

Despite all that, though, I think not having social media does me more good than harm.

I bet it does. A few years ago I actually started to delete/stop posting on my social medias gradually. Partially because of a stalking situation and partially because I was enacting my exit plan. What I have planned would take me a while to accomplish before I could actually exit and part of it was trying to make people forget about my existence. The funny thing is that it mostly worked lol, though I'm sure that's due to other natural reasons, too.

I still have just one account left on one of the platforms and I want to delete it a lot. While I'm always genuinely happy for my friends' milestones and accomplishments, and despite knowing that social media is a highlight reel of everyone's highs without all of the lows, I'm still very stupid, and I compare myself to everyone and feel like I'm a failure. But I think I'm afraid of being disconnected now. What else will I do to pass the time if it's not doomscrolling and typing silly little jokes to make my acquaintances laugh?

And I feel that the ubiquity of the internet has killed a lot of people's ability to socialize properly irl (or enabled those who struggle with it).

I saw a video once where somebody said something along the lines of "as a human being, I was never supposed to know what some girl in Australia is eating for breakfast and how it looks so much better than my lunch." I was never able to get that out of my mind, haha. One of the problems, too, is how overloaded on information we are. Before, most of us really only knew so much, and ignorance is a blessing and a curse. I think it's a little impossible for people to be very happy when they know so much about the world, in a way it makes us feel a little powerless. And yes, the endless options of people to "connect" with online is disconnecting us in real life. A lot of people don't realize that on the internet there is only the illusion of options.

I'm so happy that you were able to travel, though, and that you made it to your destination safely. Enjoy the holidays with your future family! And I hope that in time you feel better physically, breathing some new (and maybe cleaner) air is always good on the body and on the mind. I hope that you can get lots of rest, too!

Im joined

Welcome to the thread! I hope that we'll be able to hear from you more, but there is no pressure to post often. Share with us only what you feel like, when you feel like it. Your username reminded me to eat today, btw.

Not to retype what I had earlier, but now that I feel a little more calm, I kind of wanted to vent a little bit. Today my partner received some bad news. I had to stay home for unrelated reasons and he told me that if that didn't happen, he would have killed himself if I wasn't home.

I don't really know how to feel because that gutted me. I don't know how to help or what to say or what to do. I know so many words but none of them ever come out when it comes to him. This week I wished for a day that made me want to be alive but I've only been getting days that make me want to off myself more. How unlucky, but sometimes it's just like that. I'm also probably going to have to get married this week or the next and I don't know how to feel about that. I kind of feel like a rag doll being dragged around lately, tbh.

 

[sadwriter]

And I feel that the ubiquity of the internet has killed a lot of people's ability to socialize properly irl (or enabled those who struggle with it). That, and the sheer number of people you can talk to now makes you "replaceable" in a sense. None of this bodes well for deeper connections, which is what makes me feel less "disconnected". Then there's also the issue of maintaining the energy and time for all that in the midst of chaos (life).

Very true... I especially feel this way living in a city re: the feeling of everyone being "replaceable," on top of the internet factor.

@ColorlessTrees I'm sorry that you were feeling so bad before, but I was glad to hear that you were able to go on your trip and see your fiancé after all. I hope you continue to feel better and have a good time on the trip!

@carac - venin meant a lot to many of us, and it's great that you feel comfortable sharing here. I am saddened by every goodbye thread, but Venin's was very difficult for me. He really tried to recover, but ulimately decided that wasn't his path.

I don't have any first-hand knowledge, but have been keeping an eye on his Discord server. Venin has handed that over to Devnull to run. You may also have noticed that venin his SaSu account was deleted as of early this morning per his request.

If I hear anything else verifiable, I will let the thread know.

Thank you for updating us. Believe it or not, venin will be the first person I actually knew on here in some capacity to end up CTB'ing. I didn't get to know him particularly well, but I always though that he gave off a great energy and wished he hadn't left the site right after I joined. It is really sad to see him go.

It's such a strange feeling to see someone CTB on this site. It's the end goal for so many on this forum, and the fact that they're able to choose not to suffer anymore is a positive, but it's a horrible thing that people reach that level of agony in the first place– or have always had to experience it– and difficult to have someone that you've connected with just cease to exist.

Not to retype what I had earlier, but now that I feel a little more calm, I kind of wanted to vent a little bit. Today my partner received some bad news. I had to stay home for unrelated reasons and he told me that if that didn't happen, he would have killed himself if I wasn't home.

I don't really know how to feel because that gutted me. I don't know how to help or what to say or what to do. I know so many words but none of them ever come out when it comes to him. This week I wished for a day that made me want to be alive but I've only been getting days that make me want to off myself more. How unlucky, but sometimes it's just like that. I'm also probably going to have to get married this week or the next and I don't know how to feel about that. I kind of feel like a rag doll being dragged around lately, tbh.

@UsagiDrop that's such an incredibly difficult position to be in. I'm so sorry that your partner is in so much pain– it must have been scary to hear that he was at that point, especially given how much you've been suffering yourself to begin with. And even if you've been/ are suicidal yourself, it can be so hard to know what to say when it comes to supporting people that you're close with, especially because of the added pressure of wanting really badly to be able to say the right thing because you care and want to make things better. I'm sure the mere fact that you're with him right now and that he has you as a form of support means a lot to him, though. If he was able to trust you enough to be completely truthful about the state that he's in, I think that means that you're doing a good job of being there for him. That being said, I hope that he's able to stabilize in the upcoming days. Is there someone that he can be with so that he doesn't have to be alone in the house next time you have work or need to go out?

I'm sorry I can't reply to people again, I really want to. I might come back later if I start to feel better and do that. I feel like I'm actually going crazy right now.

I think I've said it before, but I wanted to say it again: it's totally fine to have days where you're not in the place to reply to people and just need to post about your own stuff. You're always great at being supportive to everyone else here, but everyone needs a moment to be the one recieving rather than just giving all the time.

Getting published is a huge deal, congratulations!! It is sad that you had to miss the event, but I hope that you were able to be proud of yourself regardless. Did you do anything to celebrate? There will definitely be many other opportunities, I believe in your talent and I'm sure that others do, too!

It's also inspiring to hear that you're coming up on the other side of a horrible time, and that you're ready to take bigger steps. I also hope that progress continues!

Thank you for this as well! I honestly haven't done much to celebrate because of how depressed I've been for the past month since the book was published. I almost feel like I've lost the capacity to celebrate things for the time being, lol...

That being said, I'm definitely still on the right track and feeling better. I'm remembering why I (and my mental health team) used to think that I had bipolar II, because a lot of the time when I come out of a depressive episode, I immediately do a complete 180 and swing to feeling overly positive, feeling really mentally energetic & motivated, wanting to do all the things ever and thinking my life is fixed & everything is going to be great. I'm very much not doing that this time, thankfully, but my mind is still doing that abrupt shift thing. The difference is that I know better and am able to remind myself that everything is the same as it was before other than how I'm feeling, and I'm not compelled to switch to crazily going full speed ahead like I used to only to crash again in like two weeks. It's really made me realize how this state of exitence is just as harmful in its own way as being depressed & dissociative, and can actually be unpleasant when I don't blindly let myself get caught up in it. (Don't get me wrong, though– I'm definitely not complaining about no longer being depressed!)

 

[UsagiDrop]

If he was able to trust you enough to be completely truthful about the state that he's in, I think that means that you're doing a good job of being there for him.

Thank you. I hope that's what it means, honestly. He goes through a lot of things by himself because he doesn't want to stress me out more than I already am. I wish I was a better partner but I've been trying my best. I could see when he's upset or when he's not doing well mentally but most of the time he just flat out rejects talking about it with me. Unfortunately he doesn't have anyone to be with physically while I'm gone, if I could have stayed home with him today I would have. But he does have friends that can keep him company via voice calls if he wants to talk to them. I trust that he won't do anything to hurt himself for now. It definitely makes me want to learn more about what to do when others are in crisis, because I only really know what works for me and how to help myself.

Thank you for understanding and for your kind words. I don't really need him to stabilize soon; that would be nice but I want him to know it's okay to feel how he feels and I'll be here for him. I want him to feel better but I don't want him to suppress his feelings and suck it up like he usually does, as I'm seeing that's a major issue for men especially. Seeing as he's usually the strong one, I can stand in his shoes for a while until he gets back on his feet.

I almost feel like I've lost the capacity to celebrate things for the time being, lol...

I know the feeling so I'm going to give hypocrite advice again, but I hope that you will celebrate yourself when you're ready to and able to! Getting published is seriously a big deal. When I first got published I was in the middle of a very long hypomanic episode I believe, so I didn't think it was anything special myself, but I did treat myself to chicken and waffles from a food truck I really liked that day. It doesn't have to be something big and flashy, a little private treat for yourself is just as good too! And you deserve to be celebrated for your milestones, progress and accomplishments.

Was there ever a time where you did things to celebrate yourself? If so, what kinds of things did you do?

 

[D1byRam3n]

So,uh... everybody is still here?

 

[cactusflower]

Hi everyone. Long time since I've posted here I think. I've been feeling a lot better lately. I guess my biggest concern is just the inevitable sadness to come once the holidays roll around. My dad passed away last year on Christmas Day so I know this anniversary is going to be tough. My therapist suggested I not be alone that day but I'm unsure how possible that will be to be honest. I guess we'll see ..

My SO had a nightmare about me taking my own life. He called me immediately after he woke from this dream. The sadness in his voice... And the tears... I can't believe someone could care so much if I were to depart. I know a hallmark of this site is to not let others sway you so easily into not doing what you truly want to do, but after his reaction to something that didn't even really happen, I'm just extremely moved by it...it's given me some things to think about.

I've been trying to go on this site less as I feel it has hindered my progress in some ways, but as always, it's comforting knowing that there is a community here that I can turn to... I just don't know anymore really. I'm really wanting to fully recover, for myself. I feel this year has zipped by and I've done nothing of note except become a shell of my former self. I want to work harder on building myself back up.

I hope you all are well. Be well. And know that you have a place here always.

 

[UsagiDrop]

So,uh... everybody is still here?

Yes, we are! Sometimes this thread is super active and other times, it's really quiet. But we're mostly here and still fighting, I think, or I hope!

How are you doing? I hope that you've been well, or at least okay.

Long time since I've posted here I think.

Welcome back! And thank you for updating us. It's a relief to hear that you've been feeling better lately, that is really awesome news. Although I'm sorry about the passing of your dad, and I offer my condolences. I would imagine that's super hard to deal with, especially during a season that is supposed to be happy and all about family.

I'm happy that you have your SO at this time, though. Hopefully you won't have to be alone even if you have to be physically alone. I know a lot of people have gripes with it and even I don't always like that I'm deciding to live for others, in a perfect world we could probably all get to be selfish with our decisions. Ultimately though it is just that, our decision to make, so there's no judgement here. And the truth is that it can really be considered a blessing to mean something to anybody, many people wish for that.

At the end of the day you are making a decision to do what you want to do all on your own, not being swayed by others. There is no choice but to respect it, and it's a wonderful decision, anyway. I wish you the best of luck with your recovery, and I believe that you can make progress and begin the process of gathering yourself up again and making something new out of all the old pieces! That being said, if it means we have to hear from you less because this space isn't good for your recovery, that's totally understandable. We'll be rooting for you, still, and this thread will still be here if you ever need it.

I hope that you'll be well, too!

 

[sadwriter]

I know the feeling so I'm going to give hypocrite advice again, but I hope that you will celebrate yourself when you're ready to and able to! Getting published is seriously a big deal. When I first got published I was in the middle of a very long hypomanic episode I believe, so I didn't think it was anything special myself, but I did treat myself to chicken and waffles from a food truck I really liked that day. It doesn't have to be something big and flashy, a little private treat for yourself is just as good too! And you deserve to be celebrated for your milestones, progress and accomplishments.

Was there ever a time where you did things to celebrate yourself? If so, what kinds of things did you do?

Thank you for being the one to remind me to do this. I really should do something for myself given what a big accomplishment it was, and how anticlimactic it ended up feeling because of how depressed I've been & the fact that I had to miss the reading. I don't even remember if and/or what I used to do to celebrate my accomplishments. Maybe I'll buy myself something nice. That would be pretty fun, honestly.


@cactusflower Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear about your dad. There are so many reasons that the holidays can be hard for people, with all the societal expectations surrounding the occasion, and an anniversary like that is especially difficult.

Regarding your SO's dream and the vibe on the site of not letting other people sway you, I agree with what UsagiDrop said. I don't vibe with the whole "existence is by definition a horrible thing" viewpoint throughout a lot of this site, to be honest, and I think that it makes perfect sense for you to reconsider CTB after seeing how much your partner cares about you in that way. Factoring in other people doesn't mean that you're not still making your own decision.

I also feel you regarding not being sure about going on this site since you're trying to fully recover now. I myself have decided that I'm not going to CTB and have considered leaving because of that. I'm pretty much only still here to check this thread, and occasionally look at other threads in the recovery section. For me, I feel like if I just stay out of the suicide section and don't look past this thread too often, I'm pretty much fine. But it's good to be aware of how the site affects you and do what's best for your personal growth!


On my end, I had a good day today overall, which I'm happy to be able to say. It's been a really long time since I've actually felt ok and calm for even a few hours. I had a productive therapy session and my therapist said that I did a really good job, which was nice to hear since she only says that when she means it. There's still a long road ahead, and I'm not naive enough anymore to think that this is the end of my depressive episode, sunshine and rainbows, but I'm really glad that I have a little bit of a sense of hope again and can actually enjoy things.

I hope everyone has an ok end of the week!

Oh, and PS! I wanted to mention that I'm reading this cool book called How Not To Kill Yourself, written by Clancy Martin. So far it seems to largely be a mix of memoir-y stuff and philosophy, so if that's up your alley I definitely recommend it to everyone on the thread. The guy has attempted suicide a bunch of times himself. There's also a section of interviews in the appendix, and one person mentioned how they thought that a pro-choice system should be put in place and how it could actually help save lives to give people the option of a peaceful exit. It was cool to see that viewpoint in a book that appears to be doing pretty well commercially.

 

[HighFlight]

@UsagiDrop & @sadwriter, thank you for being here and helping us with your kind words and support. There are so many people active or lurking in the thread, that it's great when we can acknowledge what each of us are going through. Personal, I've gotten really far behind in posting here and my apologies to all for that.

@cactusflower , glad to hear that things are going well for you. The holiday season can be tough under normal circumstances, but I'm sorry that you have such a sad anniversary on Christmas. I hope you can find a way not to be alone.

Regarding the site vibe, you do have the ability to hide the Suicide Forum and ignore people if that would be helpful. If you focus on the Recovery forum, maybe that would allow you to participate in this thread more often. But please do whatever you're comfortable with and helps with your recovery, even if that means staying away.

So,uh... everybody is still here?

UsagiDrop is totally correct - the thread can run fast or slow. One way I've found to wake the thread up when it's a little slow - post a quick personal update. If you're comfortable, feel free to share what brings you here. Trust me, I know how hard that first post can be.

@sadwriter - I glad to hear that you are continuing to make progress. And you do need to make an effort to celebrate! Getting published is a big deal, and I'm sorry you had to miss the event.

@UsagiDrop - so much has happened since I had a chance to reply to one of your posts. You've been on my mind, and I can feel your pain each time you post an update. SadWriter has done a great job in his responses, and would just echo what he has already said. But I truly hope that things will begin to turn around for you in the near future. I know you are strong enough to gat through this, your strength shows every time you respond to another member. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us.

As for myself, I've begun to bury myself in work again. Ever since my therapist stated that something major would have to happen to break me out of the run I'm in, I've begun to simply accept my situation. As she describe it, I need the equivalent of a personal 9/11. Since I don't see that happening, I'm not sure anything going to change.

Acceptance isn't recovery, but it might allow me to focus on other things. And maybe once the boys' lives are in better positions, I'll figure the next steps in my personal journey. Until then, if I can help others, I will do what I can.

Peace to all

 

[sadwriter]

As for myself, I've begun to bury myself in work again. Ever since my therapist stated that something major would have to happen to break me out of the run I'm in, I've begun to simply accept my situation. As she describe it, I need the equivalent of a personal 9/11. Since I don't see that happening, I'm not sure anything going to change.

Acceptance isn't recovery, but it might allow me to focus on other things. And maybe once the boys' lives are in better positions, I'll figure the next steps in my personal journey. Until then, if I can help others, I will do what I can.

That sounds like a really hard position to be in, having to put feeling better on a shelf in order to look out for your family's well being. Although I've never been a parent myself, I understand why you'd decide to accept things as they are to put your children first– it definitely shows that you're a good father– especially since they're still in that emerging adult phase. You're kind of reminding me of my own dad in that way: he always makes sure to look out for our (his family's) needs, sometimes more than is probably healthy, honestly. Though I guess it's not completely a choice considering the fact that you can't just manifest a "personal 9/11" to get you out of your rut. Regardless, I hope that you're in a position to make things better for yourself soon, or as "soon" as is realistic at least.


On my end, I've had another pretty good day, though I started to feel deeply sad in the later afternoon. I just picked up an artistic hobby* of mine again for the first time in ages, and it reminded me of how happy and filled with hope I used to be when I was doing it regularly and was a part of that community. I felt this huge wave of grief wash over me knowing everything that I've lost since then and all the pain that I've been through verses how much brightness I used to feel. It honestly reminded me of why I wanted to CTB before, because it just feels impossible to deal with all this sadness that comes with trying to do the things that have always brought my life meaning. The good news is that I'm learning to handle the feeling better, though, and I don't give in to my frantic, panicked desire to fix things and get rid of the feeling.

*(I'm being vague about it because I feel like I'm gonna dox myself to anyone who knows me IRL if I mention too many more specific things that I like, haha.)

Oh, and in case people weren't aware, I saw venin back on the forum again. He's going by the username ve.nin now.

Best wishes to all. We made it to the weekend!

PS: woah, it's my 100th post! Yay!

 

[D1byRam3n]

I...dont know why im still being here and im not really good with my communication skill too...so all I can do is just wishing everyone have nice day at least when we're still been in here...there I said it...

 

[RenaSrar]

I don't know where to go or who to see... I'm at work so I'm trying to keep it together... I'm trying to not go with the urge to jump off the helipad. I want to go...

 

[UsagiDrop]

I don't know where to go or who to see... I'm at work so I'm trying to keep it together... I'm trying to not go with the urge to jump off the helipad. I want to go...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Do you need someone to talk to? And will you be at work for much longer? I hope that the feeling you're having passes, or that you can find the strength to keep it together for a little while longer, although it is completely fine to not be okay. But being in distress at work especially is really difficult, I know.

I...dont know why im still being here and im not really good with my communication skill too...so all I can do is just wishing everyone have nice day at least when we're still been in here...there I said it...

I think you're communication skill is just fine! Thank you for wishing us well, I had a pretty nice day today. I got to try a new coffee place and what I had was actually really good, I just wish it was closer to my house, haha.

Did you also have a nice day today? I hope that you did, and that you'll have a better one tomorrow, too.

Maybe I'll buy myself something nice. That would be pretty fun, honestly.

I hope that you will! You definitely deserve it.

It's good that you've been having good days lately, and that you've been getting back into some old hobbies of yours. I know what you mean about the sadness that you feel when engaging in them, though. I think it's okay to grieve the things you've lost to your depression, though. I hope you can find some hope as you continue to explore your old pastimes and passions; whenever things are lost, it just makes room for the new things we will find in the future!

I know you are strong enough to gat through this, your strength shows every time you respond to another member. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us.

Thank you all for listening to me!

Acceptance isn't recovery, but it might allow me to focus on other things.

Acceptance may not be recovery, but I think for certain intents and purposes, it can be. I'm sorry about that realization that you and your therapist have had, but I still have hope. If nothing else, acceptance means that you are in a place where you can learn how to cope so that you can endure things for a while longer. That would be a lot harder to do if you were in denial, probably.

If it helps, until you can put yourself first, you certainly are helping all of us all you're helping your family every day with your sacrifices.