I am aware that my home environment contributes to my negative mental health. It is evident in my posts and and times where I have lashed out. However, leaving is not an option at the moment. Mainly due to finances, I am unable to leave my home right now. My goal is to get a job, start earning money, and do what I need to to leave. For now, I can only do the best I can. And hope I don't end up dying in the process. I hope you can understand.
I feel like I wrote this. All of this. Everything you've said. The only part that differs is that I am not diagnosed with anything yet. But how you feel, what you described, what youve done - I thought I was looking at a post I wrote.
I dont want to dash your hopes (since we both hate hope yet cling to it knowing it will fail us), but moving out wont help. I mean it will help some things, but it wont help the ultimate problem. I moved out. I left. I moved across the country and made my own way. What they've done to you wont go away just because you left them.
I'm abusive, manipulative, rude, mean, toxic, selfish. I chose this path of destruction and like you I dont want to get better. The world is SO much better off with me gone. Its like you said - if we're gone, we stop being hurt and we stop hurting others. It's a win-win situation in our life of exclusive losses.
I wish I had encouragement for you. I've never seen a post lay out words I've said so exact before. There is no hope for the future for me. My time to get better was back when I was a child. My parents should have helped me instead of hurt me. But they didnt and I know blaming is also wrong, but its true sometimes. They started it. They (among others) made us this way before we even realized we chose to be this way. And too late we understand so that the time to get better and change has already past...
Honestly I can say I'm very sorry you feel this way. It hurts. It's hell. You dont want to hurt others except you know that you can't help it, and if you can't get better then really did you ever want to in the first place? Its not that hard if we even tried the tiniest bit. We just dont want to. Sometimes I feel like I am just a sociopath. I just received all my materials necessary this past weekend. I just need to find a time...
I hope you feel better. I know there are rare moments where it happens - it happens to me too. What I wouldn't give to just make that our permanent state of being... hope I haven't offended you or anything. I just really resonated with what you said.