I have to die

[Water-Lily]

Everyone can say that I am a good person, but I know myself. I know my my behaviors. I know what I am. I am an abusive person. I hate this darkness that I carry for who I am. I hate how I hurt people. Hate how I verbally abuse people. Hate how god damn manipulative I am.

this world, I feel, is genuinely better off without me. My actions have hurt others and ruined relationships. Even though I am in therapy, it doesn't change a damn thing. I am convinced that suicide is something I have to do. Because I am a lost cause. I am just like my abusive mom who drove me to suicide. I am just like her. This way nobody gets hurt. Everyone will be protected. It's for the best.

 

[Intotheoblivion]

You still deserve to be understood and loved. I don't know how to help you see the sense of that message or how it's supposed to help except the ideology I have of always understanding people and judging everyone to be human, because judging others to be bad or so on won't help them.or change them.

You probably do what's wrong because wrong has been done to you, you still deserve to be understood and loved no matter what. At least that's what I try to give to myself and others, by accepting we can do wrong but it's always for a reason and it's sometimes and mostly always more than just being 'bad', and with some love or lots of it we could break the cycle.

Just my thoughts on being "bad"

 

[Water-Lily]

You still deserve to be understood and loved. I don't know how to help you see the sense of that message or how it's supposed to help except the ideology I have of always understanding people and judging everyone to be human, because judging others to be bad or so on won't help them.or change them.

You probably do what's wrong because wrong has been done to you, you still deserve to be understood and loved no matter what. At least that's what I try to give to myself and others, by accepting we can do wrong but it's always for a reason and it's sometimes and mostly always more than just being 'bad', and with some love or lots of it we could break the cycle.

Just my thoughts on being "bad"

At one point in my life I believed I could "break the cycle" but who the hell was I kidding. I can't do that. I always fuck up. I lashed out at a bunch of people the last few days. I just, wish I was gone. Gone = no abuse = no pain to other people = everyone happier

 

[Intotheoblivion]

At one point in my life I believed I could "break the cycle" but who the hell was I kidding. I can't do that. I always fuck up. I lashed out at a bunch of people the last few days. I just, wish I was gone. Gone = no abuse = no pain to other people = everyone happier

I know the feeling of wanting to be gone, that's why I am here too.

And I know the part of breaking the cycle isn't easy either. I am sorry it didn't work out.
My point is that you aren't supposed to be perfect in times that aren't perfect. It's difficult and of course you will lash out and unfortunately people do get hurt, so it's ok to lash out, you are human and it's natural.

I just believe that knowing it can sometimes help us break the cycle. That's all

 

[Water-Lily]

I dont know
I think a part of me knows I will Never get better because I chose this path
I chose the path of self destruction and suicide
why am I even asking this post then? I if I know the answer I made for myself already? Is it hope? No I dont deserve to feel hope. Its never gonna amount to anything. I am just gonna waste everyones time

 

[jesse]

I can't speak about how you feel, because I'm not you. I can only speak to my own experience knowing I'm often the bad guy.

I do bad things sometimes. I do things that hurt people's feelings. I do things that push people out of my life. I do things to manipulate, to distort, to draw attention, to hurt. I am ashamed and humiliated by the things I have done. I feel deep guilt to the people I have hurt most. I am not fully in control of myself at all times, but I acknowledge that my continued existence has real consequences. I don't expect someday to have these issues just go away. I doubt any amount of therapy will change who I am.

Yet... I will not fall on my sword for the greater good. I will not die for society, because there are no good guys. There are only people... and we are all deeply flawed. And, we all hurt each other... Not everyone can understand or deal with my issues. I get that. That's okay. However, I do make sure the people I care about know how I really feel when I am of a sound mind. If those people can't look past my episodic issues given prior warning and clear boundaries, then that is a failing of them, not of me. I will not let my worst moments define me. I am more than my deepest pain. I didn't ask to be this way, and I deserve this life as much as anyone else. My recovery journey is to reduce pain and enrich my life. It has nothing to do with my right to live. I was born into that right, and no one can take it away from me. This is how I feel, as the "bad guy" of the story.

 

[Water-Lily]

Interesting. Especially this part

. If those people can't look past my episodic issues given prior warning and clear boundaries, then that is a failing of them, not of me.

I am mot sure how to feel about this. In my cases, I have had people know of my BPD and when I have had an episode, deemed me too "problematic". I am unable to separate them into people who arent worth having in my life, but rather a definitive reflection of who I am.

 

[summers]

None of us are perfect. I've hurt people, and I wish I could take that back. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs in life. Now that I have an expiration date, I'm trying to be a better person. It won't change my decision, but hopefully I can do right by the good people in my life with the time I have left.

It's hard to change if you're a reactive person. I'm also not saying you need to change, maybe you're being too hard on yourself - maybe those people deserved you lashing out at them. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Wish you all the best.

 

[signifying nothing]

I

 

[aneurysm]

all victims of victims.

 

[Barteljaap]

Yet... I will not fall on my sword for the greater good. I will not die for society, because there are no good guys. There are only people... and we are all deeply flawed. And, we all hurt each other... Not everyone can understand or deal with my issues. I get that. That's okay. However, I do make sure the people I care about know how I really feel when I am of a sound mind. If those people can't look past my episodic issues given prior warning and clear boundaries, then that is a failing of them, not of me. I will not let my worst moments define me. I am more than my deepest pain. I didn't ask to be this way, and I deserve this life as much as anyone else. My recovery journey is to reduce pain and enrich my life. It has nothing to do with my right to live. I was born into that right, and no one can take it away from me. This is how I feel, as the "bad guy" of the story.

Why are you on this site so if you don't mind me asking?

 

[jesse]

Why are you on this site so if you don't mind me asking?

I joined after a failed suicide attempt. I still struggle off and on with the idea of wither the scales in my life are tipped too far toward pain and lonliness to stick around. While no one can take my right to live, that does not mean I must live.

 

[AnnonyBox]

I identify with this post so much. I wish I had some advice. For what little it's worth, I hope you find peace, ideally in some form of recovery.

 

[Nexey]

If your previous posts are anything to go off of, I can basically guarantee you that the amount of lashing out you do would decrease exponentially in a less toxic environment. That was how things worked out for me, anyways. I tend to be a lot angrier and unhinged when living with my parents, due to how fucked up they were and still are.

 

[wanttodie]

me to i have to die

 

[Water-Lily]

If your previous posts are anything to go off of, I can basically guarantee you that the amount of lashing out you do would decrease exponentially in a less toxic environment. That was how things worked out for me, anyways. I tend to be a lot angrier and unhinged when living with my parents, due to how fucked up they were and still are.

I am aware that my home environment contributes to my negative mental health. It is evident in my posts and and times where I have lashed out. However, leaving is not an option at the moment. Mainly due to finances, I am unable to leave my home right now. My goal is to get a job, start earning money, and do what I need to to leave. For now, I can only do the best I can. And hope I don't end up dying in the process. I hope you can understand.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I am aware that my home environment contributes to my negative mental health. It is evident in my posts and and times where I have lashed out. However, leaving is not an option at the moment. Mainly due to finances, I am unable to leave my home right now. My goal is to get a job, start earning money, and do what I need to to leave. For now, I can only do the best I can. And hope I don't end up dying in the process. I hope you can understand.

I feel like I wrote this. All of this. Everything you've said. The only part that differs is that I am not diagnosed with anything yet. But how you feel, what you described, what youve done - I thought I was looking at a post I wrote.

I dont want to dash your hopes (since we both hate hope yet cling to it knowing it will fail us), but moving out wont help. I mean it will help some things, but it wont help the ultimate problem. I moved out. I left. I moved across the country and made my own way. What they've done to you wont go away just because you left them.

I'm abusive, manipulative, rude, mean, toxic, selfish. I chose this path of destruction and like you I dont want to get better. The world is SO much better off with me gone. Its like you said - if we're gone, we stop being hurt and we stop hurting others. It's a win-win situation in our life of exclusive losses.

I wish I had encouragement for you. I've never seen a post lay out words I've said so exact before. There is no hope for the future for me. My time to get better was back when I was a child. My parents should have helped me instead of hurt me. But they didnt and I know blaming is also wrong, but its true sometimes. They started it. They (among others) made us this way before we even realized we chose to be this way. And too late we understand so that the time to get better and change has already past...

Honestly I can say I'm very sorry you feel this way. It hurts. It's hell. You dont want to hurt others except you know that you can't help it, and if you can't get better then really did you ever want to in the first place? Its not that hard if we even tried the tiniest bit. We just dont want to. Sometimes I feel like I am just a sociopath. I just received all my materials necessary this past weekend. I just need to find a time...

I hope you feel better. I know there are rare moments where it happens - it happens to me too. What I wouldn't give to just make that our permanent state of being... hope I haven't offended you or anything. I just really resonated with what you said.

 

[Water-Lily]

I feel like I wrote this. All of this. Everything you've said. The only part that differs is that I am not diagnosed with anything yet. But how you feel, what you described, what youve done - I thought I was looking at a post I wrote.

I dont want to dash your hopes (since we both hate hope yet cling to it knowing it will fail us), but moving out wont help. I mean it will help some things, but it wont help the ultimate problem. I moved out. I left. I moved across the country and made my own way. What they've done to you wont go away just because you left them.

I'm abusive, manipulative, rude, mean, toxic, selfish. I chose this path of destruction and like you I dont want to get better. The world is SO much better off with me gone. Its like you said - if we're gone, we stop being hurt and we stop hurting others. It's a win-win situation in our life of exclusive losses.

I wish I had encouragement for you. I've never seen a post lay out words I've said so exact before. There is no hope for the future for me. My time to get better was back when I was a child. My parents should have helped me instead of hurt me. But they didnt and I know blaming is also wrong, but its true sometimes. They started it. They (among others) made us this way before we even realized we chose to be this way. And too late we understand so that the time to get better and change has already past...

Honestly I can say I'm very sorry you feel this way. It hurts. It's hell. You dont want to hurt others except you know that you can't help it, and if you can't get better then really did you ever want to in the first place? Its not that hard if we even tried the tiniest bit. We just dont want to. Sometimes I feel like I am just a sociopath. I just received all my materials necessary this past weekend. I just need to find a time...

I hope you feel better. I know there are rare moments where it happens - it happens to me too. What I wouldn't give to just make that our permanent state of being... hope I haven't offended you or anything. I just really resonated with what you said.

Thank you. I am glad you were able to relate to me

I agree with what you are saying. Yes, being on my own and having my own independence I feel would be so much better if I wasnt with my toxic/abusive family. My feelings about them go back and forth. Times where days are ok, vs times when they make me want to CTB. Though they don't try to make me CTB intentionally, their actions affect me and is valid. However, moving out is one part of the puzzle. The truam and the urges will remain. So it's work even after moving out and its work I don't know if I am capable of doing.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Thank you. I am glad you were able to relate to me

I agree with what you are saying. Yes, being on my own and having my own independence I feel would be so much better if I wasnt with my toxic/abusive family. My feelings about them go back and forth. Times where days are ok, vs times when they make me want to CTB. Though they don't try to make me CTB intentionally, their actions affect me and is valid. However, moving out is one part of the puzzle. The truam and the urges will remain. So it's work even after moving out and its work I don't know if I am capable of doing.

I dont know how old you are or anything really about your life, but if its any consolation it can be okay to move out. I wanted to get out so badly I lived in the dorms for my university even tho it was in the same city as my house. My senior year of college I moved out with the money I had saved to an apartment with roommates. But I worked full time through college and end of high school. My parents knew and understood I wanted to move out so it wasnt a big deal for them which helped, even tho I just moved across the block.

I'm originally from the West Coast of America but had been living in the Midwest due to my family moving there and I always wanted to go back. This was no secret so when I decided to move my parents were not that shocked either which was again helpful. I was trying to save up money to do so tho which was hard, but after my first suicide attempt I realized I was either going to die there or try leaving. I just quit my job and left in 30 days.

I know you didnt ask for my story and honestly, my circumstances were unique just like everyone's. I had some savings, I had habits due to how I was raised, I have certain preferences and people I knew on the West Coast to help me leave. But the toxicity of family does fade from the limelight. I was angry all the time at home. Now I'm just sad or hopeless. Maybe for you it could get better. If you wanted to try. There is hope in change, despite the hardships. But I kind of like that sort of thrill, so it buffered my feelings a bit for awhile. I've been here 1.5 years now. I dont know if things will really ever get better for me but I thought maybe id tell you if you wanted to give it a go. =)

 

[NodusTollens]

@NomoreNormalcyHere :
It hurts to read what you're going through, honestly, you're deserving of much more than you're receiving. I understand & appreciate your thoughts about CTB, HUGS. I hope you're able to complete your goal of moving out, because I understand how much environment can supremely tank one's mood/motivation. Moving out didn't solve much for me, as I was naive & clueless about the real world/people, but it was a start. :)

I dont want to dash your hopes (since we both hate hope yet cling to it knowing it will fail us), but moving out wont help. I mean it will help some things, but it wont help the ultimate problem. I moved out. I left. I moved across the country and made my own way. What they've done to you wont go away just because you left them.

I understand what you're saying. I was so incredibly naive when I left home, but I just needed to leave. Felt like living at home was literally going to kill me. I moved away and I realized my social ineptitude, personality deficits, & general lack of preparation for the world. Hit like a brick, woefully underprepared.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

@NomoreNormalcyHere :
It hurts to read what you're going through, honestly, you're deserving of much more than you're receiving. I understand & appreciate your thoughts about CTB, HUGS. I hope you're able to complete your goal of moving out, because I understand how much environment can supremely tank one's mood/motivation. Moving out didn't solve much for me, as I was naive & clueless about the real world/people, but it was a start. :)

I understand what you're saying. I was so incredibly naive when I left home, but I just needed to leave. Felt like living at home was literally going to kill me. I moved away and I realized my social ineptitude, personality deficits, & general lack of preparation for the world. Hit like a brick, woefully underprepared.

I completely understand. I am also glad on some level that I left. Staying at home was destroying me. But the longer I'm away the more I realize the damage wasnt tied to that house. The damage is just me unfortunately. I'm just a terrible person and it would be a net positive to the world to leave it.

 

[NodusTollens]

I completely understand. I am also glad on some level that I left. Staying at home was destroying me. But the longer I'm away the more I realize the damage wasnt tied to that house. The damage is just me unfortunately. I'm just a terrible person and it would be a net positive to the world to leave it.

HUGS. It's a chilling realization.

 

[Water-Lily]

Ah...I sort of experienced that when I stayed with some roomates at college. They were all real sweet, but despite being away from my family I still struggled with my BPD. So obviously the problem runs deeper. Nonetheless though, I know I will miss my family when I do leave